Do you ask them to do things for you?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It is getting to the point where I feel like I am walking a fine line.  I am trying to treat him as normal as I can and not be codependant but its hard.

I forgot something at the store and he offered to get it while he was inbetween driving (he drives taxi part time for retirement job) but then he got calls and it made him all nervous and feeling out of control that he couldn't bring me what he promised.

I said its okay but he was a wreck by the time he got home.  This has happened many times with other things. I am afraid to ask him to do anything for fear it adds to much to what he can handle.

But then again, I don't want to treat him like a baby either. What do you all do?

[nodoover]

It is getting to the point where I feel like I am walking a fine line.  I am trying to treat him as normal as I can and not be codependant but its hard.

I forgot something at the store and he offered to get it while he was inbetween driving (he drives taxi part time for retirement job) but then he got calls and it made him all nervous and feeling out of control that he couldn't bring me what he promised.

I said its okay but he was a wreck by the time he got home.  This has happened many times with other things. I am afraid to ask him to do anything for fear it adds to much to what he can handle.

But then again, I don't want to treat him like a baby either. What do you all do?

[simplyasiam]

ive seen the same thing. alot of times it would be me that ened up feeling that way for forgeting something or being late.

[HoldingAHurricane]

My husband is similar but also gets very oppositional when asked to do things because it seems to him that it is a very controlling act on my behalf. Equally, not being asked seems to him to be very rejecting and excluding. Its a catch 22 that doesn't belong to me and I am fortunate in that he sees a therapist so I feel able to let it be someone else's problem.

I do ask but I have little expectation that he will follow through anymore. Anything I do ask I make sure isn't going to cause a major disruption if he decided to play silly buggers with it or not do it or forget to do it. If it doesn't get done, I make it happen with minimal fuss and if he has a problem with that (which he usually does), its his problem and he can talk to his therapist about it.

I don't know whether this is the right or wrong approach but it is the one I can live with at present.

[bruceli]

Catch 22 indeed... . Never know what reaction you will get when you ask them to do something... . Just gotta take a chance and hope for the best.

[nodoover]

The other thing that is happening is him asking me to do something and if it's not done his perfect way, it can set him off on a miny rage.

Or I should say if I choose to do something my own way, watch out! 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I have learnt over 3 and a half years, not to ask him to do anything for me. The huge price I must pay is too exacting on me.

It does not matter that my support in all ways has been consistent, through his frequent abuse, dumping and recycling, I have always been there reliably.

Now he has taken to not asking/hinting at me for any money, where before he had no problem with it, now he refuses to, and would rather starve, (this is my fault and his parents fault allegedly, he flips between saying it isn't my fault, to blaming his involvement with me and all the scum I introduced him to). It does not matter that I end up dealing with his inability to take responsibility for his choices, (listening to the effect his choices have on his body and mind) he sees himself as totally independent, (in reality he is far from it).

The guy is 46 this year, and lives board/rent/utilities free in a shed outside at his elderly parents house. He has been unemployed now for 5 years, his car has fallen apart, he cannot meet his financial obligations, kept making excuses not to find work and improve matters for himself, now he has run himself so low to the ground that I fear he may never recover. There is absolutely nothing I can do, and it is so painful and frustrating to watch the absolute demise of this man, but the rage and abuse and assaults on me because of his own stupid choices financially over the time he has been back staying with his parents, is astounding.

For the first few months I knew him, he slept on my lounge, (apparently in need of temporary accommodation until he found a job). We were friends, then friends with benefits, then in a relationship. He stayed at my house for two years, but his rage, abuse, provocations, assaults, property damages, threats, attempted murders etc, took their toll, and when he instigated more physical confrontations with members of my family, that was the end of him staying here. He expected me to take his side over it all, so basically, he expected to stay at my house, and it be like a war zone and let him away with that on a permanent basis. He called it 'getting upset', I called it disgusting violence, and I said NO MORE AT THIS HOUSE.

This house is a house of peace, if you cannot sit down like an adult and resolve your differences in a peaceful way, then you cannot stay here, because I do not wish to live this way every week of life.

I believe he has guilt left over from our recent separation (long distance relationship) of two weeks or so. His parents had said things that led me to believe he had been seeing someone else over that period, but they said they could not elaborate as they didn't want to cause trouble (for themselves) or get involved.

I believe it may even still be happening, (which is another reason why he is coping well with not seeing much of me in person). I have heard 3 different stories about some female neighbour, and where she lives, since she decided to try and wake him or his parents in the middle of the night 6 months ago.

She was supposedly having troubles with her own partner, he was smashing up the house whilst her Mother was out of town for the weekend, and being frightened for her life etc, she had to escape and try calling the police to remove him from her Mother's house.

She could not wake BP's elderly parents, (she knows BP's Father) because BP heard her knocking on their door at 2 am, and came out to stop her, getting involved himself. There were two different stories about what took place that night, the latter one, was that he took her to the petrol station to use the public phone nearby, but he had to ask her for money for petrol first, (because he had almost none left).

He says they talked, and he told her about me and my living circumstances, how I live with another man etc.

I could not believe that he told her this, and made me out to look like a total ****. The truth is, my daughter and her partner board with me, and BP really has it in for my son in law to be, (always did from the first day he moved in here two years ago).

When BP rung me later that morning, to tell me about his night, (being woken by this neighbour and her life story) he then picked a fight with me, and abused me verbally and dumped me, hanging up. He did not want me to call him back on his mobile that morning, like he normally would if he felt guilty using his parents phone.

The neighbour apparently came back down later that morning, (when his Father was home) and spoke with him. But I know for sure that his parents did not arrive home until later that afternoon, so I realised BP had lied to me about the female neighbour again.

This causes me great concern.

Sorry for going on folks, life is a rollercoaster from one drama he creates until the next.

For the last 3 weeks, since the 3/7 when he turned up out of the blue to recycle, (after his 2 weeks of NC for his longest ever) I have mostly only spoken on the phone with him each day. Last Sunday I was conned into going to see him for cuddles and time together, and I was subjected to a 7 hour rant, damages to my car, verbal abuse, which ended in my driving off, for an hour or so, returning, and being subjected to more verbal abuse in the morning, when I got up to go to work, and rocks thrown at my car because I left, (after he abused me and told me to *****Off anyway!).  I keep being told that we are not together, and not in a relationship but he wants to talk on the phone every day? This is confusing to me, that if I confront him about what he says about us not having a relationship since I 'kicked him out' 15 months ago, and we still don't now, he doesn't like me repeating back what he tells me himself! Confused! You bet... . what about all those times over the last 15 months that he openly benefited from our 'non relationship' and was treated as a partner with all the privileges of that title?

I still don't get it.

Can anybody tell me what the hell is going on here? He tells me he loves me, and talks of me as his partner, then splits to saying we aren't in a relationship! Well, why call me your partner then?

[nodoover]

Rollercoaster I am working on this myself but it sounds like you need to set more boundaries. You started with having him leave but I think you need more.

The biggest thing is to step far enough away from the push pull and see what you are getting from the relationship.  If I wasn't married to my husband I would break it off.  We have been married 13 yrs and been together 14.

[Suzn]

Catch 22 indeed... . Never know what reaction you will get when you ask them to do something... . Just gotta take a chance and hope for the best.

Take a chance and hope for the best? We have tools and communication skills here that work my good man!

Ever heard of the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique ?

And you have to practice these skills for them to work for you. You don't want to try to dig a hole with a toothpick when you need a shovel. You get the right tool for the job!  

nodoover, maybe a list would help? Unless it's a situation like this where he was out already. You could text him what you need that way he has a list to look at on his phone. We all need a list to remember things from the grocery store sometime, this may empower him to feel more confident about forgetting something.  

[Southern_Belle]

rollercoaster24 - you said some things I found very troublesome... .

assaults, property damages, threats, attempted murders etc

Really? I don't mean to be so nosey, however, this is upsetting to read. I hope you, your daughter, and future son-in-law have the ability to defend yourselves if something were to happen.

Yeah, there are the mental techniques that are shared on the website, though, I think you need to have some physical abilities to use if you find yourself in a dangerous situation. I've studied martial arts and its great! It keeps you in shape, strong, helps with focus/concentration, and most importantly (in your situation) you can snap someone's arms or neck if you are being physically attacked.

Again, sorry to speak so boldly. I know we don't know each other, but, I'd still feel awful if I heard he did something to you. Be safe!