DD15 coming home for the weekend

[jellibeans]

DD15 has been in a RTC for the past month after two suicide attempts and a general total breakdown. She ran away 3 weekends ago from the center causing a lot of worry for us all. Tuesday I received a note from her T saying the insurance company had requested a Doc to Doc meeting with the P at the RTC... .  her T tell us when this usually happens the insurance company is getting ready to stop authorization for services. The result of the meeting gave my dd services for another week but that it is not sure if they will continue after next week. Her T has arranged for dd15 to come home for a visit this weekend (Saturday to Sunday).

It seems my H is really nervous about her visit and wants to put a lot of restriction on her. My dd had asked her sister if they could go to the mall to shop and buy some new things. My H is wound so tight he doesn't think this is a good idea at all. He keeps going over "what If" situations in his head... .  he is getting on my last nerve right now... .  I don't think there is any problem with her going out with her sister 18 for a short shopping trip. Feedback here... .  

My dd15 T is looking into an out patient program near by that DD will go to when she gets out along with starting up with her old T etc... .  The out patient thing is school for 4 hours then therapy for the rest of the day... .  This has come as a bit of a shock to us. I thought I had more time but I think this is a good transition. I am always in this state... .  just trying to get through what ever problem is present and not really planning for the future... .  but it is hard to see what to do for the future... .  

I am going to a new T tomorrow and will try to get some guidance from her... .  she has been trained in Family to Family and I hope we can use her during the summer and we can all go to her. My h and I disgree about everything... .  it is exhausting and it is not helping the situation at all... .  how do I get my H on the right page with the rest of us... .  this has put a real strain on our marriage... .  

I am looking forward to having my dd home for the weekend because I think it will be a good indicator of how she will behave in the future... .  besides I miss her... .  even with all her drama... .  wish me luck!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Oh jellibeans:  Good luck and I hope this weekend goes well. I am sure you miss her terribly, I know I would feel the same way.  Can yu and your dh come to a compromise that might make him feel more comfortable.  Maybe setting a time limit on how long they are gone. Is you older daughter able to handle DD.  Maybe she could even send you periodic text messges letting you know how their trip is going. 

I hope your new T will be able to give you guidance.  Does your dh go to therapy with you.  Maybe that might help .

Griz

[lbjnltx]

What kind of rules does the rtc have about home visits?

When my d would come home for home visits or even off campus the rule was that she has to be within my sight at all times when away from home... .  she had to remind me several times to stop walking away from her in Walmart   

Given that she ran just a few weeks ago I would err on the side of caution and talk to her t.  See if the t will help you implement this rule.

Has the t been talking to her about taking this opportunity to build trust? 

Just what worked for us and my opinion.

Hope it goes well.

[jellibeans]

griz

I am hoping my h will come to therapy with me... .  he suffers from depression and I really feel he has a drinking problem as well. He has not done well through all of this but who am I to talk... .  it has been very trying at times.

lbj

I have not been given any rules... .  there was no handbook for when we checked her it as well... .  this RTC is so unorganized... .  it goes against my grain a lot... .  we still don't have all of our answers from when she ran away... .  

I think I will talk with my h tonight and set down a list of rules and expectations for dd for when she comes home... .  that should help everyone step back from the ledge a bit... .  My dd18 is really responsible and my dd15 listens to her so I don't feel like it would be a risk for her to go with her shopping or to get ice cream... .  short trips... .  I feel like I want to give her some freedom to see what she wil do with it... .  this is her time to fail... .  if she does then she will stay longer at the RCT... .  test the waters so to speak and let her know we are willing to give her a chance... .  

I will ask her T for some guidelines as well... .  and I will be putting away all meds and sharp objects... .  I am hoping when I pick her up the will be some kind of list of do's and don'ts... .  

[lbjnltx]

... .  this is her time to fail... .  if she does then she will stay longer at the RCT... .  test the waters so to speak and let her know we are willing to give her a chance... .  

I will ask her T for some guidelines as well... .  and I will be putting away all meds and sharp objects... .  I am hoping when I pick her up the will be some kind of list of do's and don'ts... .  

This is also a time to set her up for success.  Giving kids more freedom than they can handle sets them up for failure. 

How much freedom can she handle?  Given the fact that she knows she will be returning to the RTC and has proven that she doesn't want to be there and is willing to run away she is telling you how much freedom she can handle.  Will the temptation be too much for her? 

Hope not.

[jellibeans]

Okay you have given me something to think about... .  I don't want to set her up to fail but I was hoping to let her have at least a small amount of freedom but you may be right... .  how easy I am fooled... .  how much I want to beleive things will be different... .  I don't think I my hopes are too high... .  I know there will be times of conflict... .  I am prepared for that... .  I am not blind to all of our short comings... .  but you are right... .  we need to spellout to her very clearly what the boundaries are... .  

How do I know how much she can handle until I give it to her? At some point we will have to give her some freedom... .  

She called here last night and was very upset and crying on the phone to my h and dd18... .  I called her later when I got home to see what was wrong... .  she had told me a friend of hers had left that day very unepectedly and another friend is going Friday... .  she had said to my dd18 that she didn't know why she was coming home because she didn't have any friends etc... .  she was really feeling down... .  which brings me to another thing I found out yesterday... .  they have take her off of the prozac... .  no one told me this so I was surprised... .  the dx says she is severely depressed... .  they say the lamictal will help with depression... .  

thank you lbj... .  I will really think over what you have said... .  

[BioAdoptMom3]

I agree with your decision to speak with the therapist and get her take on all of this, including the shopping trip.  Maybe that could happen if you were at the mall or shopping center, just in another nearby location with texts from your other DD now and then.  I have not been in your specific situation so I have no other advice other than to say I also think checking into family therapy is a good idea.  It could strengthen your marriage because Lord knows, having a child with BPD sure does put a strain on it in the best of situations! 

I would call the doctor or charge nurse at the RTC and find out why they took her off the Prozac.  Did they think it was contributing to her problems?  Some people don't do well with it.  Personally, that in combination with a mood stabilizer has been a Godsend to us with our DD!  You might want to ask the therapist about the medication change as well.

[jellibeans]

my h talked to the P and he said he felt the prozac was making dd irritable... .  I know prozac can make people more aggressive etc... .  I really have not seen any benefits from it but I was surprised her meds were changed and no one told us.

My H and I have gone over a list of dos and don'ts... .  which i think is good... .  waiting to hear from T with guidelines and help on what she thinks we should do.

I go to a new therapist tomorrow and I hope she will be our family therapist... .  lord know we need one!

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: My dd is home... .  I picked her up this morning from RTC... .  they didn't have the paperwork ready and after waiting an hour the nurse finally brought the paperwork for me to sign... .  she then tried to give me her meds but it seems the bootless were empty... .  i guess she was suppose to fill them before coming to see me... .  I tell her i Have her meds at home and I will give her them... .  I still have to wait for someone to bring her... .  really this RTC is so disorganized... .  the whole time I guess my dd was begging the nurse to get the paperwork together... .  the nurse slammed the door in her face... .  I am surprised she was able to keep it together and not flip out on her... .  

We had a good day at home... .  first thing she did was take a shower and changed... .  she looked good for the first time is weeks... .  her sister took her out to shop for few things near by... .  then they had lunch... .  we hung out int he afternoon and then we all went to the movies... .  she was pretty good. She did get annoyed at times but later apologized to me... .  came home and all went pretty good... .  she talk to me about how nervous her father is behaving... .  I told her that is is just worried and not to make anything of it... .  

tomorrow I am highlighting her hair... .  and hopefully laying by the pool and getting a tan... .  it is good having her home... . I missed her. Tonight I will sleep well knowing she is here. I am going to drinking in this moment and be happy... .  truly happy to have my dd home.

[lbjnltx]

Sounds like you are having a nice visit.

Were there any therapy goals for this visit?

[jellibeans]

Therapy goals? Well I wasn't given any but maybe she was... .  her T told her this is a time to spend with family and that is what we have been doing. She is doing laundry and I am going to high light her hair soon. If my husband would stop pacing the house like a caged animal there might be a bit less tension.

It is a beautiful day and my two girls are going to tan by the pool... .  all is good in the world... .  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[muffetbuffet]

WOW... .  emotionally charged weekend for your family.  If I can add a few things to the conversation as our family has been there done that with an RTF placement and eventual return home.  First question I have to ask is how involved are you as a family (mom, dad, sister) in the therapy your DD is receiving while in placement?  We all know too well that mental illness has an effect on the whole family.  While our daughter was in placement at least one member of our family was required to participate in family therapy once a week with our daughter.  Usually it was both my husband and I but there were other times that there were mother/daughter or father/daughter issues to discuss.  When we started talking and planning for visits home, we started small.  We had written rules and visits were short to begin.  Rules were like curfew, time permitted on phone or computer, etc.  Visits started out as a few hours off campus to a whole day to an overnight to a weekend to a three or four day home visit.  We always had contact with RTF staff prior to home stays and we were always asked for a follow up to how things went while daughter was at home.  Once daughter was discharged, we immediately went into family based services who provided therapy to the family in our home.  We just recently finished family based and our daughter is now doing outpatient therapy.  I remember being so scared when daughter came home the first few times and the thought of her coming home full time was too much to even think about.  You really need to make sure that you have a strong support system to be there to "hold your hand" as you make it through the initial stage of daughter coming home.  I won't lie, there was a honeymoon phase and we have had some rocky times along the way, but having been so involved in therapy ourselves while daughter was in placement has made all the difference in how my husband and I deal with things on a daily basis.  Best of luck and keep us updated.   

[jellibeans]

Thank you muffet for your insight... .  it is good to see how others have dealt with RCT... .  

My h and I attend family therapy on Mondays with DD15... .  we really didn't receive any advise from her T before dd visit home so I did ask... .  the only thing she said was to make it a family weekend and that is what we have done. IT is the plan that when she is released she will attend an out patient program where she will continue to attend therapy and school. I have found a new family therapist that I went to last week. My husband and I will attend to work on our problems then hopefully dd will join in and this will help us all. She will return to her T she had before and since it is summer she might attend more than once a week.

I am not fooling myself... .  I know things will be up and down... .  we have a long road a head of us all but for one fleeting moment I have some peace and a I sit here by the pool with my family I am happy for the first time in a long time... .  it is important to realize and acknowledge the good times... .  I don't want to focus on the bad... .  that is all have done in the last few months... .  

thank you muffet... .  you really made she good points I need to consider... .  I hope the sun is shining in your world today... .  

[griz]

jellibeans:  Sounds like such a lovely weekend.  I have a vision of you all sitting outside around the pool working on your tans.  I am glad that you had the chance to have DD home and it working out so well.  I can understand a little of what your dh is going through.  I find myself often feeling like I am one moment away from everything going all wrong.  Things have been better with my DD lately but even just this morning she came downstairs and wasn't in a great mood and I found my stomach knotting up and my nervousness and anxiety kicking in.  I kept reminding myself that it is okay for her to be in a not great mood, that a bad mood doesn't mean the end of the world but this is very hard for me.  I have been trying to explore this with my own T and trying to find ways to not have so much anxiety.

Well, glad your weekend went well.  It most have been wonderful to have her home.

Griz

[muffetbuffet]

Griz:  It is so hard to let go of the past.  It is ok for our kids to have bad days (we all do) but it is also hard to let go of the past and imagine that we can get through those tough times a little easier than we did before. 

Hope everyone has an uneventful Monday.  No sun shining here all rain for the last two days  Daughter did get up and go to school this AM without too much drama so that counts for a little bit of sunshine.

[Being Mindful]

Hi jellibeans,

I'm glad your weekend visit went well.

Some thoughts I'm having regarding this RTC and discharge. It sounds like you haven't been pleased with the place and so it might be better to have her discharged, although I wonder how much change actually occured since she hasn't been there very long. However, I'd ask questions of both the insurance company and the RTC about looking at the therapy goals at the time of  placement and what of those goals have been achieved. Even if you are going to support the discharge plan, these are questions to consider for a future placement... .  in patient, out-patient, returning to previous therapist. Understanding therapy goals, what is the treatment plan, how does the therapy support the plan, how will goals be measured. What is the role of parents and family? What is the communication plan? The RTC that we had was excellent in working and fighting with our insurance company for more time when our d. had not met therapy goals. They worked in the best interest of our d. rather than just accepting what the insurance company said.

I don't know that this helps your current situation but those thoughts came to mind in reading your posts.

Being Mindful

[jellibeans]

thank you everyone... .  I have family therapy today with dd and I plan on bringing up some of these questions with her. I have told her T that I do not think she is ready to come home but it seems they are planning for her release ready or not. I don't want to think that she has learn nothing at the RTC because I have to beleive she has to some level. My dd doesn't know our displeasure with this RTC. I have been happy with her T but she seems young and inexperienced and doesn't always have an answer to my questions.

I one thing that happened that made me very disappointed last night... .  was my older daughter told me my dd was on my phone reading my private texts and emails. This is really my fault... .  I had let her text her friend a couple of times this weekend and yesterday let her do it again but instead of waiting for her to give me my phone back I got busy with something. She took advantage of that time to search my phone. Made me mad at myself that I trusted her when I know she is not to be trusted. I won't make that mistake again.

Today's meeting I hope will give us some guidance going forward... .  she will going into out patient program... .  and I will try to see where she will go this coming fall. Do you think I should involve her in the search? I am not sure what to do... .  I guess I am hoping she will come home and be able to cope better but I really don't know... .  I am feeling a bit lost.

[muffetbuffet]

I hope that you were able to get some answers to your questions today.  My husband and I found that we really had to become advocates for our daughter.  You know the squeaky wheel gets the oil.  Well, when daughter was in placement, we were "squeaky wheels".  We called everyday (sometimes daughter refused to talk) and made sure that we were there and a part of every decision that was made regarding medications, therapy goals, etc.  Our daughter was in placement for 7 months and it was a long 7 months going back and forth for appts, but it was worth it.  We found that the more we acted interested and involved, the more we were made to feel a part of the team.  There were some points along the way that there were meetings that were held without our daughter because either the family or individual therapist requested it to be that way or my husband and I requested for her to not be there.  Yes, she is of age to say yes or no to treatment, but she was not in a "healthy" place in her life to make appropriate decisions at that time.  Hang in there.

[lbjnltx]

She is not healthy nor able to make these decisions for her own benefit.  It is up to you and your dh to  make the best decisions you can on her behalf. 

Sorry that it is this way.  Hope that in the future she will be able to be an active participant in her own recovery.

 

[jellibeans]

Well we had our family therapy and talked about the visit and how it went. We started talking about how my husband was on edge for a lot of it and that made everyone a bit annoyed but that we realize he is just worried about her etc... .  

Then the talk turns to respecting each other and I bring up the I think she has taken advantage of having my phone on sunday. I say that I noticed things were changed and that she had tried to go on instangram etc... .  she denied this... .  I told her three more times that I knew she was lying and that this was her time to make it right and admit to it. I told her to look me in the eye and tell me the truth and I was only inches away from her. She denied it repeatedly and got angier and angier. Insulted that I would accuse of such a thing. She went on and on saying how badly she was treated by me and how dare I say these hurtful things to her... .  that is when I told her that her sister had told me everything... .  she stopped and looked blankly at me and said... .  now why would she do that? She then wanted to focus on her sister... .  we kept bringing the conversation back to her and asked that she didn't try to divert attention away from what she did. then she says to my husband that he should read my texts I made to a friend about him. Threatening the whole time to reveal my private conversation. Once again we try to redirect her back to what she had done and why she chose to tell the lie and why she didn't take advantage of telling the truth when she had the chance... .  

She starts verbally abusing me and starts swearing... .  I tell her T that I am not interested in continuing this conversation with her if she is going to be allowed to talk with me this way. DD gets more and more upset at being caught in her lie she gets up and wants to leave... .  she takes off and I tell her T that she is going to run. They call security and T runs after her.

We talk after with her T and tell her we do not think dd is ready to be released home. We tell her she has just been playing games and has no interest in trying to change her behavior etc... .  

That night she calls and says she is sorry but then quickly turns to her anger against her sister for telling me... .  I once again try to direct her back to what she did... .  I also tell her how disappointed I was she was trying to bully and threaten me with telling H about my private text... .  she gets angry and starts swearing at me again... .  I hang up

She calls back and talks with her dad and proceeds to tell him about my private conversation with my friend... .  he stops her and tries to direct her back once again. Her time runs out and the call is over.

I am so disappointed... .  until Sunday I felt she was trying but after reading my text and seeing that insurance was running out her whole attitude changed. she became defiant and cocky... .  I really don't know what to do... .  her T really is of no help... .  she just says that dd has been given the tools to control her emotions but that until she choses to use them there will be more of the same. She really is of no help at all.

We told her very clearly that she is not ready to come home and that I would have a hard time getting her to her outpatient program. We go week by week right now to see if insurance will provide services. I really don't know what to do... .  I could send her to another RTC but she will just waste our money. She doesn't want to get better. Until she can admit to her problems she will continue to struggle and continue to be defiant.

[lbjnltx]

There are no guarantees with anything!

Minimize risk by being informed, wise minded, hopeful, forgiving, fully invested, nonjudgmental (as possible) and confident.

Then choose a path.

You won't know if you don't try.

Everyone will have to live with the consequences of the choices made, yours and theirs.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

lbj

Did I handle that meeting wrong? What should I have done? I just feel like I don't know any more... .  it is hard to be confident when I question everything I say and do.

How do you handle someone lying straight to your face? Should I have ignore it? I wonder about that now... .  maybe i just should have let her stew on it a while and see if she would come around and tell the truth.

Today I am pretty down... .  disappointed in my dd and myself... .  I really think I have tried to educate myself... .  I have read the books and tried to validate but I know I am failing at this... .  I can forgive her... .  I know she was worried about when she would come home... .  I can understand that she needed to know but I can't accept lying... .  to me that sends a clear message she is not trying... .  she wants to continue down the same path.

What do you mean by fully invested?

I am going back to my T on Friday and hopefully she will give me some guidance... .  I feel lost and so sad... .  and it is hard because I really was very hopeful... .  how to go forward from here... .  I will need to really think about this... .  I have just been in tears this whole month that she has been gone... .  

[lbjnltx]

lbj

Did I handle that meeting wrong?

It was the t's job to guide this discussion, to enforce boundaries.  She didn't... .  you did!  Good for you.

How do you handle someone lying straight to your face? Should I have ignore it?

I wonder about that now... .  maybe i just should have let her stew on it a while and see if she would come around and tell the truth.

Making I statements and giving her time (if she will take it) can work sometimes.

"I have a difficult time accepting that as truth based on my experience"

"I would like to table this for discussion another time".

That is the agreement we had in rtc and still have at home.  If a resolution is not immediately forthcoming we "table it" to discuss later.  Her t should know this!

Today I am pretty down... .  disappointed in my dd and myself... .  I really think I have tried to educate myself... .  I have read the books and tried to validate but I know I am failing at this... .  I can forgive her... .  I know she was worried about when she would come home... .  I can understand that she needed to know but I can't accept lying... .  to me that sends a clear message she is not trying... .  she wants to continue down the same path.

How long have you been at this jellibeans?  How many months?  5-6 maybe.  This is a long and arduous process.  Your d didn't get this way over night and neither did the family dynamic.  It will take time, commitment, patience, and effort to make lasting positive change.

What do you mean by fully invested?

Fully invested: believing in your knowledge, skills, informed choices,  daughter, and positive attitude that recovery will come.

I am going back to my T on Friday and hopefully she will give me some guidance... .  I feel lost and so sad... .  and it is hard because I really was very hopeful... .  how to go forward from here... .  I will need to really think about this... .  I have just been in tears this whole month that she has been gone... .  

Do you think that if you had your daughter in a place you researched, visited, chose, participated in that you would be in tears constantly?  I don't mean the missing her aspect of it... .  I mean the tears that come from fear.

[jellibeans]

Thank you lbj... .  I will regroup and try again... .  I hope one day I have the insight you have... .  I really appreciate your help.

[Being Mindful]

lbj

Did I handle that meeting wrong? What should I have done? I just feel like I don't know any more... .  it is hard to be confident when I question everything I say and do.

How do you handle someone lying straight to your face? Should I have ignore it? I wonder about that now... .  maybe i just should have let her stew on it a while and see if she would come around and tell the truth.

Today I am pretty down... .  disappointed in my dd and myself... .  I really think I have tried to educate myself... .  I have read the books and tried to validate but I know I am failing at this... .  I can forgive her... .  I know she was worried about when she would come home... .  I can understand that she needed to know but I can't accept lying... .  to me that sends a clear message she is not trying... .  she wants to continue down the same path.

What do you mean by fully invested?

I am going back to my T on Friday and hopefully she will give me some guidance... .  I feel lost and so sad... .  and it is hard because I really was very hopeful... .  how to go forward from here... .  I will need to really think about this... .  I have just been in tears this whole month that she has been gone... .  

jellibeans,

Can you challenge yourself a bit here, to think a bit differently?

Can you accept that she is ill?

Can you accept that lying is part of her illness, her instability.

Can you accept that she doesn't have skills to say, Yeah, I really messed up and crossed boundaries with your phone?

Does lying really mean that she is not trying?

How do you know that she wants to continue down the same path?

Can you accept that a month or two of RTC will mostly likely not equate to long term change.

Some DBT assumptions:

1. Teens are doing the best they can.

2. Teens want to improve.

3. Teens need to be willing to improve, try harder, and be motivated to change.

4. Teens may not have caused all of their own problems and they still have to solve them anyway.

5. The lives of our teens are painful as they are currently being lived.

6. Teens must learn new behaviors in all important situations.

7. There is no absolute truth.

8. Teens and their families should take things in a well meaning way rather than assuming the worst.

9. Teens cannot fail in DBT.

I hope it helps to understand the very first and basic DBT traits.

One more, can you accept that change needs to start with you? This was the hardest one for me!

Being Mindful

[muffetbuffet]

jellibeans... . so sorry it went so badly for you.  I can feel your pain in what you are writing.  Is there anyone else at the RTF that you can speak with to voice your concerns?  A social worker perhaps?  Is there someone in charge of the floor or building where your daughter is residing?  It sounds like behaviors have not changed and the problems that you had before will continue and likely be more intense because you now have anger for being in placement. 

Best advice I can give it to keep your other child out of the conversations as daughter will play one against the other.  Also it gives them an "out" to divert the attention if there is another sibling to blame.  Also, you and your husband need to have a serious talk about where you both are with all of this.  You need to present a united front with your daughter.  I know our daughter has tried to play my husband and I against each other many of times.  She now knows that is it is anything other than a normal everyday question that we have to discuss it first.  She is not given the opportunity to play us against each other. 

I applaud you for hanging up on the phone call.  Sometimes you have to be a bit harsh to get your feelings heard.  While our daughter was in placement I had to write one of the most difficult letters I have ever had to write.  Daughter was being horrible and mean to me.  I hate you,etc.  I had enough and when she sent me a nasty letter I had to reply.  Had therapist read letter before sending it to her.  Anyhow, I made sure to address my anger towards her and how much I have given up to deal with her behaviors.  Did not change things over night but she has commented on the letter a few times in passing so I know it meant something to her.  Sending out hugs as you sound like you really need one right now  

[jellibeans]

Can you accept that she is ill?

Yes, I know this... .  I accept this and it has helped with the anger I felt when she did things. I can see this now... .  this is her illness lying to me.

Can you accept that lying is part of her illness, her instability.

Yes I see that... .  but I could not stop my disappointment coming to the surface.

Can you accept that she doesn't have skills to say, Yeah, I really messed up and crossed boundaries with your phone? Yes but I thought this was her opportunity to show us her new skills... .  

Does lying really mean that she is not  She is trying the best she can but still with defiance.

How do you know that she wants to continue down the same path? I don't... .  you are right... .  she wants things to be different but she doesn't know how to make that happen. I don't think she has been given any real skills to do so at this RTC.

Can you accept that a month or two of RTC will mostly likely not equate to long term change. At this point lbj I question if any length of stay will benefit her... .  I am living in the past too much probably at times like this... .  I stop believing things will get better... .  I know that is wrong.

I believe yes the change starts with me but if only I change then I am still left with a very ill dd.

I am spending the day rereading Overcoming Borderline and refreshing my memory... .  it is one thing to read it but another to practice it... .  she has not been home for sometime now and I feel I have lost some of these skills... .  it does take practice and I have not had a whole bunch lately... . if all I can do is to change myself then that will have to do... .  I am not sure how to go forward with dd now... .  

Her T emailed me and told me the insurance has requests that we have another family visit this coming weekend... .  it doesn't have to be at our home but I am thinking now that she should come home again and hopefully she will see that we believe in her and have the confidence in her to use her skills. Maybe this is what she has to see from us... .  the unconditional love... .  the acceptance... .  what do you think?

[jellibeans]

being mindful... .  thank you for your reply... . I misread who the post was from... .  I just wanted you to know I appreciate your input and suggestions.

muffet.... . I did write one letter to my dd while she has been in RTC and I do think it made her think. I felt like she heard me and she took in what I told her... .  it was a letter about the swimming quote and her drowning... .  i think the story helped her understand how I feel.  Maybe I should write another note... .  

[sunshineplease]

Hey, jellibeans,

I haven't been on in a few days and am just now catching up a bit. So sorry to hear about your challenges. I really hate it when insurance -- not health -- drives decisions.

We, like you, had a rather precipitous home visit, and we had similar results: Ud18 thinking she had enough new coping skills to handle basic freedoms, with the expected (by us, not her) backsliding. I have to say I concur with lbj... .  : ":)o you think that if you had your daughter in a place you researched, visited, chose, participated in that you would be in tears constantly?  I don't mean the missing her aspect of it... .  I mean the tears that come from fear."

When DD was in wilderness, I hardly cried at all. I really felt it was the right place for her at the time, and I knew she was as safe as she could be to begin the healing part of her journey, if she chose. I feel much the same now that she's in an RTC we chose specifically for their empathy-based approach, small size, personalized program, and overall flexibility. Yes, I have my moments (and she does, too!) but overall I feel the program has done a good job prepping all of us for pre- and post-visit issues, and helping us process them. They're great learning opportunities, and help point the way forward, for all of us.

These programs have already eaten up a large chunk of our college savings, but this learning is 100X more important than anything she'd learn in an academic classroom.

At the same time, we are doing as others have suggested and working on our issues -- which seem similar to yours: Dealing with (what we consider very reasonable) fears around our child's safety, with the help of our family therapist; better defining our family values and boundaries; working to understand and regulate our feelings; examining our own coping strategies and refining as necessary; learning from our mistakes (!). I love how you're going back to your reading and practicing the communication skills that will help keep you connected with your daughter. I find it very hard to keep my heart open when DD's struggles take the form of blaming us/being unkind to us. It blew me away how well you and your H were able to keep bringing your daughter back to her behavior when she tried to split you.

I'm going to take BeingMindful's DBT assumptions and print them out now. My daughter can look and sound like your average teen, and these will help me remember what she -- and we -- are dealing with.

It helps me to realize that it's normal for us to backslide, too. My emotional life derailed at about the same time my daughter's did (due to her life-threatening childhood illness), and we both have learning to do. It helps when I tell me daughter I need her to be patient with me!

Hugs.

[jellibeans]

thank you sunshine... .  I really appreciate your insight... .  can you tell what RTC your dd is at? You can send me a message if you want to keep that private. I am taking in everything everyone is saying... .  I really feel like I would be lost without this group of understanding and knowledgeable people... .  thank you for your kind words... .  I have read all day and I feel like I have refreshed my skills and am ready for her call tonight. I mustn't let this one thing derail everything... .  stay positive and put plan B together... .  you are right I do think there are better places for her and that is something I have struggled with... .  I have tried to keep an open mind but I really don't have a lot of hope for this RTC... .  thanks again... .  

[jellibeans]

DD is coming home again this weekend... .  we pick her up Friday night and will go back Sunday night. I have spent a lot of time reading this week and I realize I really pushed my dd too hard. I talked with her and told her how sorry I was for pushing her so hard.

I am hoping this weekend will go good. We don't have much planned. Just going to relax and do work around the house. Dinner out on Saturday and maybe bowling.

She will not be using my phone or computers while here for the weekend. I am going maybe make some cheat notes so I have some good responses if things get tense.

Would welcome any advise for this weekend... .  

[lbjnltx]

Maybe as the t for a family assignment that works towards a therapy goal?

One of the thinking errors  my d had at your d's age was that her life was terrible and always had been  (b/w thinking).

On her first home visit we were given a family assignment to do.  We were to take strips of colored construction paper and write on each strip a favorite memory that involved daughter.  We were to  join them all together when finished and make a "memory chain".  You know... .  like we did in grade school to decorate the Christmas tree.  The exercise was to serve as a bonding exercise as well as a  physical item in full view that she was engaging in a thinking error.  This memory chain (done in the favorite colors that also coordinate w/her bathroom decor ) is still strung from corner to corner in her bathroom to this day.

Just a suggestion.  Hope your t will give you some kind of direction.

[sunshineplease]

Best of luck today, jellibeans. May the bpdfamily force be with you!

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans ,  Thinking of you and praying weekend with d is a sucess .  Try and remember one minute at a time.     

[jellibeans]

Thanks Mggt and sunshine... .  I hope things go well too. My H and I are going to our new T today so that might helps us prepare for her visit better.

Lbj... .  we were not given any exercises to do while she is home but I love your suggestion and I think we should try to do that. Does DD also put her own memories down as well? Are these memories when she did something like score a goal or just funny kind of memories from when she was younger?

I wish her T would give us things like this to do together... .  maybe our new T we are seeing today will do this once dd comes home.

[lbjnltx]

Lbj... .  we were not given any exercises to do while she is home but I love your suggestion and I think we should try to do that. Does DD also put her own memories down as well? Are these memories when she did something like score a goal or just funny kind of memories from when she was younger?

All members of the family are to participate.  Any positive memory is good from any time in her life.

As we wrote down the memories we would all talk about them, there were a lot of "oh yeah! I remember that" from my d... .  we would laugh and sometimes that memory would lead to another memory for someone else to write down.  All of the memories don't have to be centered around daughter.  Sometimes they are centered around another family member and daughter was present, the funny things kept us laughing.

[jellibeans]

I just wanted to update everyone... .  my dd is scheduled to come home Wednesday... .  She then has an intake appointment Thursday morning at an out patient program.

We had our family therapy today at the center... .  dd was pretty upset through a lot of it... .  swearing and really angry with the list of house rules we presented to her to discuss. We had a level system where level one was no cell phone, computer etc... .  level two some cell phone use,  bedtime etc... .  third level had a lot of freedoms... .  my husband had put a time frame beside each level and this just enraged her so much because it reminder her of the level system she had at the Center... .  well we all rode the roller coster for a while but she was able to bring herself down and discuss calmly. I am hoping the out patient program will help us with the tranisition home.

I really don't see a whole lot of change in dd... .  she seems more intense and angry. We remained calm and that helped her come down but it is unfortunate she really showed no self control at all. I feel she is afriad to come home... .  she is worried about making poor choices. I told her we all have a lot of work to do still... .  we are all not perfect so don't stress on that so much. I told her I am going to try and worry less about her and let her learn from her mistakes instead. There are consequences to her actions and I think she is well aware what those are.

The weekend went okay while she was home but I thought she was very sad and lost. Afraid to make a wrong move. Keeping to herself so not to have conflict. Over the next few months I hope to have a better plan in place for her. I am not sure what that is yet but it will depend on her behavior. I need to get a plan in place so we are not in crisis again. Thank you everyone for your support. It really has meant a lot to me to have this resource with so much knowledge and insight.

[lbjnltx]

Best wishes to you and your family jellibeans.

 

lbj

[jellibeans]

One more update: last night my dd called to talk with her sister. We found out that she had been in a fight at the center and punched a girl. My husband called staff later to see how she was because she was complaining her wrist hurt. Today we got an email from her T asking us if we still want to go ahead with the release home... .  why do I think this kind of email is totally wrong? I have been very disappointed in her care while at this RTC and the longer she is there the less confident I am but I am wondering if she punched this girl so she would stay longer? she has done this often in the past to get treatment... .  I see it as a cry for help. she knew she was coming home Wednesday and her behavior had to remain good leading up to release so why now? She tells me there are fights there daily but she has not been involved in any... .  so why now?

We are waiting to hear from her T... .  she is going to look into the matter more but it made me wonder if my husband hadn't called would we have been told about this incident? I don't think so... .  so maybe she has been punching kids the whole time she has been there?

so what to do... .  leave her another week or bring her home as scheduled? I just don't feel she had any consequences for what she did... .  she was dropped a level but she is coming home so the impact is very little. I am really torn by this especailly since I have no faith in this place at all.

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi jellibeans,

Sorry you are having to deal with all this confusion!  I wonder what good it would be to leave her there another week?  What difference would it make in her treatment progression?  Have you spoken with the insurance?  Are they willing to continue to provide coverage so you can look for another facility?  I found the facility my dd is by asking one of her old case managers of a list of facilities she would recommend.  She went to her colleagues and they made a top 10 list for me to look at.   

My (and I'm sure yours too) biggest concern is her suicidal ideation.  Everything else you could work with a therapist and read books and try your best to help her.

Personally, I would either pursue treatment at another facility (because you seem so dissatisfied with the current facility) or bring her home. 

[sunshineplease]

Hey, jellibeans. Hard to know what the punch signifies. Since you can't read her mind and the RTC doesn't seem able to help you make sense of it, it sounds to me as if you'll just want to follow your own heart here in terms of what you're willing and able to try.

Regardless of which direction you go, I hope you find a treatment plan/place that you're all comfortable with. That's a big part of the battle!

[jellibeans]

She is coming home tomorrow... .  I really don't think another week will help her where she is... .  I have been looking at long term places. I talked to one place today that I liked. They don't allow a lot of communiction with family which is something I am not thrilled about but I do feel like it is a place where she can get help and stablized. Anyone heard of Turning Winds? in Montana

I am hoping her tranisition home is not a bumpy one... .  she seems so on edge and irritable. I can feel the knot in my stomach forming as I type this... .  

[Being Mindful]

Hi jellibeans,

Tell us what you like about this new facility. What do they do there to make you feel that she can get help there?

Being Mindful

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans,  Wishing you much luck and hope on this new adventure.  (all adventures with our d) My only advice is follow your gut instinct and investigate new place and possibly ask for some other parents that kids were there that maybe you could talk to.  Not sure if they would allow this but you could always ask.  PRIVACY LAWS AHHHHHHHH.     

[lbjnltx]

Dear jellibeans,  Wishing you much luck and hope on this new adventure.  (all adventures with our d) My only advice is follow your gut instinct and investigate new place and possibly ask for some other parents that kids were there that maybe you could talk to.  Not sure if they would allow this but you could always ask.  PRIVACY LAWS AHHHHHHHH.     

Of the several rtc's I contacted while looking for a place for my d all were willing to supply references and contact info for past/current placements.

[jellibeans]

Well my dd is home. She seem very happy and is settling in okay. We go tomorrow for the intake meeting at the out patient place and I hope that goes well.

I further investigated the New RTC and found some very unfavorable reviews. After requesting the parent handbook I also am not sure their approach is one that would suit my dd and BPD well. I will keep looking and would love any recommendations. They did give me referrences to call and they were very nice to talk with but I think they are all nice especially when you are looking to give them a large amount of money. Really have to do your homework and look deep into these places.

Friday I have my session with our new T and will be taking dd to meet her. She doesn't know this yet but will try and break it to her gently tomorrow. so far so good... .  wish me luck

[mggt]

Dear jellibeans, So glad to hear your d is home.  I wish you so much luck in finding the right fit for your d keep up the good fight and everyone here is praying hoping and sending good thoughts your way keep in touch mggt    

[jellibeans]