Unconditional Love

[dharmagems]

I am feeling overwhelmed today.  I talked with my T yesterday about how my xBPDh gave me a feeling of unconditional love.  In his mirroring phases my xBPDh looked in my eyes, stared into them and told me I'm OK and he kept saying I love you.  He would hold me like a baby.  I never got that since I was 3 when my dad used to hold me.  My mom never did that.  She was a NPD/abuser.  That is why it was so hard for me to let go and still today I still panic even after months leaving my xBPDh.  

My T said that my BPD's love had conditions.  Unconditional love does not happen with adult to adult.  Adults are in a relationship.  If one adult friend yells or hits another person, then logically any person wouldn't stay friends with that person.  Unconditional love can only happen from parent to baby or child.  It can happen from human to pets.  I told her that is why I thought when I met my BPDh I felt his love and attention filled up the hole I had that my abusive mother did not provide.  She never mirrored me when I was a baby.  Thankfully, I had a bit with my dad.  Still, that is why I am in constant panic over loosing a parent figure (my BPDx).  I am panicking if I could survive.  That is why I am so nervous and shaking these months.  I feel I can't make it on my own without my BPDx.  That is how codependent I am.  I am not supposed to seek filling this hole up from another partner/friend/family member, my T said.  Hearing that sobering and frightening.

My T said that my time to get that mirroring is over, and I have to be my own mother.   That is the only way I can get the unconditional love.   I have to ask myself what is wrong, and say to myself "I'm here for you and I won't ever leave you and what ever you say or feel, you won't get hurt because I am here to protect you."  So I could feel safe and OK in the world.

All this is too overwhelming in realization of the truth.  I am realizing so much, how I was attached to the BPDx because I didn't get that unconditional love from my mother.

My T said to try to be kind and gentle on myself because this is a lot and to take it small bits and slow down.  She reminds me that I have skills to get a job, have a car, and, that I can survive.  

Do any of you understand this?

Wishing you all well  

[pallavirajsinghani]

Another perspective:

The love may be unconditional, but the expression of love cannot be unconditional nor infinite nor without limits and boundaries.  For, the former is an emotion, an imagination, a feeling, a thought, a hope.

It's translation into action has to be limited and conditional and bound and discliplined because we are carbon based organisms.  We are bound by the limitations of our brains, minds, social norms, body needs, economic factors etc. etc.

So, let us not confused the feeling of "unconditional love" with the ability or the desire to express love unconditionally.

With this perspective, even a loving parent will sometimes get annoyed, tired, irritable, sleepless, stressed out... .

[Whatwasthat]

Hi dharmagems.

I just wanted to say that while I'm so sorry that you're having to face this very frightening realisation that I'm very admiring of the work that you must have done in T to get to this point.

I think many people who need to reach this realisation never do - and so do not have the opportunity for growth.

One thing that might help is a free online course that was linked to from the PI board recently  - but which has been moved to a different board now. It's called 'The Self Acceptance Project' and is available on the website of an organisation called 'Sounds True'. There's quite a lot in the course about self compassion.

I find that I need to work on this area too. To offer myself comfort and love. In the first talk in the course they explain some practical ways to do this.

Wishing you well. WWT.

[Diligence]

Dear dharmagems,

I can relate to feeling like I have holes in who I am.  I hoped that my xNPDh would fill those holes.  At the beginning of our relationship I truly felt completed.  Well, except for those troublesome times when my needs were ignored by him.

Now I am trying to develop unconditional love for myself since I did not get it while I was growing up.

Warm regards!

[dharmagems]

Thank you all for the understanding comments.  I don't feel alone.

So, let us not confused the feeling of "unconditional love" with the ability or the desire to express love unconditionally.

With this perspective, even a loving parent will sometimes get annoyed, tired, irritable, sleepless, stressed out... .

Now I can concieve my mom had to have some unconditional love for me. Yet, with all the years of no tenderness or no mirroring as a baby and the plain abuse as a child, I realize I was helpless.  I didn't also have someone to confide in to help me out during this time.  So, now I am learning how to keep her and even my father (who did not protect me from her) to keep a safe boundary around me.  I don't open my inner life to them. 

[Hurt llama]

I am feeling overwhelmed today.  I talked with my T yesterday about how my xBPDh gave me a feeling of unconditional love.  In his mirroring phases my xBPDh looked in my eyes, stared into them and told me I'm OK and he kept saying I love you.  He would hold me like a baby.  I never got that since I was 3 when my dad used to hold me.  My mom never did that.  She was a NPD/abuser.  That is why it was so hard for me to let go and still today I still panic even after months leaving my xBPDh.  

My T said that my BPD's love had conditions.  Unconditional love does not happen with adult to adult.  Adults are in a relationship.  If one adult friend yells or hits another person, then logically any person wouldn't stay friends with that person.  Unconditional love can only happen from parent to baby or child.  It can happen from human to pets.  I told her that is why I thought when I met my BPDh I felt his love and attention filled up the hole I had that my abusive mother did not provide.  She never mirrored me when I was a baby.  Thankfully, I had a bit with my dad.  Still, that is why I am in constant panic over loosing a parent figure (my BPDx).  I am panicking if I could survive.  That is why I am so nervous and shaking these months.  I feel I can't make it on my own without my BPDx.  That is how codependent I am.  I am not supposed to seek filling this hole up from another partner/friend/family member, my T said.  Hearing that sobering and frightening.

My T said that my time to get that mirroring is over, and I have to be my own mother.   That is the only way I can get the unconditional love.   I have to ask myself what is wrong, and say to myself "I'm here for you and I won't ever leave you and what ever you say or feel, you won't get hurt because I am here to protect you."  So I could feel safe and OK in the world.

All this is too overwhelming in realization of the truth.  I am realizing so much, how I was attached to the BPDx because I didn't get that unconditional love from my mother.

My T said to try to be kind and gentle on myself because this is a lot and to take it small bits and slow down.  She reminds me that I have skills to get a job, have a car, and, that I can survive.  

Do any of you understand this?

Wishing you all well  

This is my first post in this area. Starting in Leaving then Undecided, Staying and back to  Leaving. I've written and posted so much it's as if I am writting a book in a matter of days. It's come to the point quickly that I am ready or close to be in the place I probably have the most difficulty and that's taking personal inventory.

I only really learned the obvious clear answer to my ex's behavior was that she is BPD, not the Sociopath I suspected early on (and why would I stay with a suspected Sociopath anyway? )

When I read your post and how your ex would hold you and speak of unconditional love I got chills as my ex would repeat certain things as almost a mantra... . in a calm monotone and pleasing voice... . "I love you unconditionally llama" " I love the romantic man you are and you love me, you really love me" None of these and other similar compliments (that never ceased.not once even after I broke off the engagement!) She believes them as much as she is capable. the whole thing is a trainwreck but I am starting to distance myself and accept it's just not possible for me to change anything, fix anything other than myself.

I had a sudden and odd connection to reading the words of your therapist and I have only shared this with my ex wife, whose reaction was disgust and making fun of me. (and she's my friend )

I told her that sometimes when I would go to sleep I would kiss my own hand. (this is extremely embarrassing to be sharing) and say out loud "I love you" to myself.

And I have a bit of tears welling up as I write this as somehow I knew I needed to love myself.

ohh... . that really hurt to share and thank you for posting and providing a place to share something I never realized the real meaning of.

[dharmagems]

I told her that sometimes when I would go to sleep I would kiss my own hand. (this is extremely embarrassing to be sharing) and say out loud "I love you" to myself.

And I have a bit of tears welling up as I write this as somehow I knew I needed to love myself.

ohh... . that really hurt to share and thank you for posting and providing a place to share something I never realized the real meaning of.

Thank you llama for your truth.  I admit I was welling up from YOUR comment.  This is very hard work in realization and you revealing something so vulnerable is touching.  Keep well my friend.

dharmagems