Out-growing Your Friends

[bb12]

So delving deep into myself to recover from BPD abuse led me to a point of amazing self-knowledge. As I continue to recover, one of the confusing side-effects is recognising my emotional immaturity in my longer-standing friendships.

Anyone else at a cross-roads with some friends?

Many of mine seem to be operating to values and behaviours that have no truth for me anymore. I find myself impatient with them as I see some narcissistic behaviours and attitudes that remind my of where I used to be at... .  And of my ex

Ultimately I feel a bit lost... .  I have survived great pain but in doing so, don't belong to my old world anymore... .  

Bb12

[Want2know]

Yes, absolutely!

After my ex and I split, I started slowly removing myself from a group that I felt was no longer healthy for me.  Their unhealthy behaviors became so apparent as I started feeling stronger about what I valued in a person.  It got down to having only one true friend, who in the end, was not the healthiest of people either, and so I moved to a new city.  It wasn't the only reason I moved, but it was definitely one of the main reasons.

[marbleloser]

Definately.After taking a good look at ourselves,we change.Our values change.Life changes.

[bb12]

Thanks guys. Relieved to know it's not just me!

It is indeed a values shift. On the up side, we attract more emotionally mature people

One of my new friends recited the 5 stages of grief and also the steps to creative freedom... .  He's ahold soul and a big thinker. And my values or respect are very much aligned to people like that now!

Bb12

[Wooddragon]

I have changed my attitude to some of my friends. I expect much less of my friendships these days and tend to enjoy the company of my friends without expecting anything from them in terms of genuine emotional support etc. I have more tolerance for letting go without hurt or disappointment. Some are simply on a different path without being deliberately selfish - this can include various substance addictions which they manage but which still affects them in a way that makes it impossible to consider them as reliable or "having my back".

Apart from those I am far more alert to narcissistic traits and I am not going to end friendships when I see these but at the same time I am setting much more specific boundaries (in my own mind) about my limits in these types of relationships. I think as I get older the feeling that I should have a "best friend" is fading. I think it makes me less needy as well in looking for another romantic "best friend"

Needy people generally are now a huge turn off to me

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, when you draw boundaries around unacceptable behavior, there are very close friends and family you have to distance or even cut ties with because of noxious behavior. I have a dear friend who let herself being eat up with a 500 lb narc psycho, and knowing he was bad for her, continued with it. I was ready to put some real distance, because I just got tired of listening to her tell me over and over what evil things he had done. She has a dying father and a speacil Needs daughter. So I was getting very irritated at this wonderful woman having screwed up priorities. She is letting him go, thank god.

I had to go nc with all sorts of really, really stupid people in my life. Most of these people have had much more stable circumstances and better opportunities than me, and frankly, I get tired of the trailer trash jerry springer drama and taking things for granted behavior. So nc for me.

And for narcs, I have nothing to do with them, unless I get somthing out of it during idealization and can maintain far, far distance. The guy I bought my car from gave me a killer deal because he is a narc and I purposely maintained a very cool distance.

[maria1]

Yes absolutely. Not sure i have any true friends left. I mean I do but I would really like to meet people who get it like people on these boards do.

My former best friends are living in deluded depressed states or utterly narcissistic. One real friend is an ex coke addict who recognises she has problems and is waiting for therapy. I like her because she knows she has issues.

I'd love to start again in a new town tight now but I stay where my kids need to stay. Part of my dating sites stuff is a search for 'healthy' people who get it. I think I just really need to know they are out there. People on here keep telling me healthy attracts healthy but I see disorder everywhere. I really don't think I'm that disordered or that I'm that much in denial. I know I have work to do.

Feeling for you x

[Cumulus]

I could never part with my two longest and dearest friendships. I love them just for who they are and because I know they love me. No, they don't get it. They don't understand the depths of darkness dealing with BPD has taken me to and I sense them tune me out now if I begin to talk about personal growth or disordered people. But they listened when I was first dealing with it, when I was in shock and felt as though I was only connected to this world with the thinnest of threads. They brought me food, they mowed my yard, they took me out, they cared. When I could give nothing in return, they cared for me. So, you know it's been two years now. Should I expect hem to keep on listening to my story. Not when they aren't in this same place. So, I will keep them as my friends and talk to you, my fellows in understanding.

[Suzn]

See? This is what happens when you opt for the blue pill instead of the red one.    Your eyes are opened to behaviors AND what they tell you about someone. I went through the same thing bb, I think most of us do once we make the decision to focus on recovery. I had to learn where to put people, how much distance there needed to be and vice versa. I've been working on accepting people for who they are for a while now, not perfect at that but that's ok. People can change up their behaviors and either surprise you or disappoint. I just try to keep my boundaries, try not to trample other people's boundaries and work to keep my expectations in check. It was quite the juggling act at first but it's gotten much easier. I have some really great new friends now, it was worth the change.

[sheepdog]

So delving deep into myself to recover from BPD abuse led me to a point of amazing self-knowledge. As I continue to recover, one of the confusing side-effects is recognising my emotional immaturity in my longer-standing friendships.

Anyone else at a cross-roads with some friends?

Many of mine seem to be operating to values and behaviours that have no truth for me anymore. I find myself impatient with them as I see some narcissistic behaviours and attitudes that remind my of where I used to be at... .  And of my ex

Ultimately I feel a bit lost... .  I have survived great pain but in doing so, don't belong to my old world anymore... .  

Bb12

bb12, yes, a thousand times yes!  This was written so perfectly.

[bb12]

Your eyes are opened to behaviors AND what they tell you about someone. I went through the same thing bb, I think most of us do once we make the decision to focus on recovery. I had to learn where to put people, how much distance there needed to be and vice versa. I've been working on accepting people for who they are for a while now, not perfect at that but that's ok. People can change up their behaviors and either surprise you or disappoint. I just try to keep my boundaries, try not to trample other people's boundaries and work to keep my expectations in check. It was quite the juggling act at first but it's gotten much easier. I have some really great new friends now, it was worth the change.

Thanks everyone. It really does seem that I am on a journey without end now. And that's a good thing.

I appreciate all of your advice and won't do anything drastic. The biggest lesson in this has been acceptance, so I now need to accept my longer-standing friendships for what they have now become. I have some amazing new friends who I can talk with on a very spiritual level... .  and my older ones who don't really fit me on that level, will fit on another level I am sure.

I am looking after myself first... .  and that is new and will take all of these things where they need to go

; )

bb12