therapist session today

[Depression = 72% of members]

Speaking to my therapist today, we discovered that my fears and insecurity are based on the fact that I have no emotional relationship with either of my parents.

I had no one to show me boundaries, or even to teach me how to protect myself emotionally or physically.  I went to my mom once that someone was bullying me and she told me to ask that other person what I did wrong to that person.

I dont believe I have ever heard either of them say a validating word to me.  I dont even remember a hug.

I was pretty much flying blind my entire childhood.  I remember walking down the halls of my school so petrified that someone might say something to hurt my feelings because I had no way to fight back.  I was empty.  I feared walking into class last, I feared eating in the lunch room.  I feared to sleep alone.  Just in the past couple of years I have learned to sleep by myself.

I remember being 2 years old and my mom leaving me at daycare the first time.  I felt so alone in a room full of people.

I feared everything.  I wanted so much to be loved and accepted, but I never found it until I became an adult.

I carry that fear and inadequacy with me.

[laelle]

Speaking to my therapist today, we discovered that my fears and insecurity are based on the fact that I have no emotional relationship with either of my parents.

I had no one to show me boundaries, or even to teach me how to protect myself emotionally or physically.  I went to my mom once that someone was bullying me and she told me to ask that other person what I did wrong to that person.

I dont believe I have ever heard either of them say a validating word to me.  I dont even remember a hug.

I was pretty much flying blind my entire childhood.  I remember walking down the halls of my school so petrified that someone might say something to hurt my feelings because I had no way to fight back.  I was empty.  I feared walking into class last, I feared eating in the lunch room.  I feared to sleep alone.  Just in the past couple of years I have learned to sleep by myself.

I remember being 2 years old and my mom leaving me at daycare the first time.  I felt so alone in a room full of people.

I feared everything.  I wanted so much to be loved and accepted, but I never found it until I became an adult.

I carry that fear and inadequacy with me.

[Hurt llama]

sounds like a significant awareness in therapy. here's a hug for you! 

[laelle]

Im really triggered at the moment.  It makes me want to contact my ex.  I heard someone else say once when they were having a hard time emotionally they had the need to contact their ex.

Regardless of how screwed up I am, it doesnt change who he is and his illness.  It makes no sense to turn back to hurt when your hurting.

[P.F.Change]

 I am sad for the way your parents treated you and how isolated and afraid you felt. I understand how hard it is to re-experience the memories of those old painful feelings. It sounds like you need love and nurturing, maybe some sense of grounding and security as well. Do you think that is why you are thinking about your ex right now? Maybe during the good times he helped you feel secure? There may be someone safer in your life who could help you feel loved and secure, someone who does not also re-injure your old wounds. Can you think of any other friends or older ladies you could call up and chat with about what you are feeling?

There may also be some ways you can nurture yourself. What would you as an adult say to the little you who felt so lost and afraid?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[LetItBe]

Oh, laelle, I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting right now.  I can relate SO much to what you said about your lack of healthy bonding with your parents and how that has translated into your feelings of fear and insecurity.  My mom also failed to protect me.  I, too, felt so alone as a child, and I was terrified of being dropped off at daycare and kindergarten.  It was hard to sleep alone.  I still put pillows all around my body.  I basically raised myself (with the help of my grandmother and great-grandmother, but they couldn't be there all the time).

I read recently that when children are abused or neglected by their parents, they can learn to "split" the bad parts of their parents away so that they can remain attached to them, which is necessary for survival at the time.  I can see how I hung onto my uBPDxb too long, and I "split" away the parts that would prevent me from staying attached to him.  It seems I split away the bad, and he split away the good.  So, we were both splitting.  It's beneficial to see this pattern as it's one that I certainly don't want to repeat!

I can also relate to the urge to contact your ex.  The anniversary of my mom's death hit me hard this year, and I had a recent breakup.  I was craving love and security, and my uBPDxbf had been trying to contact me for several months.  After doing so well without him for awhile, I was suddenly overcome with feelings of missing him.  I replayed all of our good times in my head, missed him more and more, and contacted him.  I was convinced that we had both learned enough in our time apart to try again.  That began a 2+ month recycle that seemed to start beautifully -- but ended painfully.  Oh, I must mention that my uBPDxbf was a mirror of my mom, so I think that played a large part in why I longed for him when my "mom stuff" came up.

This is some tough stuff that these r/s's unearth, but it's necessary for our self-awareness and healing.  I am thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.  

[Hurt llama]

Im really triggered at the moment.  It makes me want to contact my ex.  I heard someone else say once when they were having a hard time emotionally they had the need to contact their ex.

Regardless of how screwed up I am, it doesnt change who he is and his illness.  It makes no sense to turn back to hurt when your hurting.

against any logic, I want to reach out to my ex when I read or learn something that 'explains' our dynamics so perfectly... .  Or better said, I felt that way very strongly when I first started posting. Less and less every day.

But I do think of her many times as tiny triggers i associate with thinking of her... .  I just got Chinese food delivered and immediately thought of her love of the dish I got.

No, not calling to tell her how delicious the steamed shrimp dumplings are, I'd at least try to wait till I was intoxicated before doing something so stupid. 

My eye is on the prize. I have tiny momentum even though it's the longest, by far of no contact since I met her almost 6 years ago.

[Diligence]

Im really triggered at the moment.  It makes me want to contact my ex.  I heard someone else say once when they were having a hard time emotionally they had the need to contact their ex.

Hi, laelle.  When my triggers are hit I feel agitation!  What you say in this quote resonates with my behavior.  When I am triggered I want someone to soothe me as quickly as possible.  I, too, think of reaching out to people I know are not safe.  I do not know why I think I should seek help from unsafe people.  But, I know the outcome will not be good.

How have you handled your feelings?

Warm regards!

[Cardinals in Flight]

I can also relate laelle!

My mom was super critical, and didn't take up for me when bullied at school. A family member made inappropriate contact when i was 9, she said I must have misunderstood.

M dad was good at leaving me in the car while he visited with friends or ran errands.  I crid everyday in first grade the teacher would rock me in the rocking chair and sing to me.

My abondonment issues came raging to the forefront when I became involved with my pwBPD, also my trust issues.

CiF

[Mountaineagle]

Speaking to my therapist today, we discovered that my fears and insecurity are based on the fact that I have no emotional relationship with either of my parents.

I had no one to show me boundaries, or even to teach me how to protect myself emotionally or physically.  I went to my mom once that someone was bullying me and she told me to ask that other person what I did wrong to that person.

I dont believe I have ever heard either of them say a validating word to me.  I dont even remember a hug.

I was pretty much flying blind my entire childhood.  I remember walking down the halls of my school so petrified that someone might say something to hurt my feelings because I had no way to fight back.  I was empty.  I feared walking into class last, I feared eating in the lunch room.  I feared to sleep alone.  Just in the past couple of years I have learned to sleep by myself.

I remember being 2 years old and my mom leaving me at daycare the first time.  I felt so alone in a room full of people.

I feared everything.  I wanted so much to be loved and accepted, but I never found it until I became an adult.

I carry that fear and inadequacy with me.

I can totally relate to your experiences in childhood. My mother was emotionally not there for me. And every time I came to her with something I left with the feeling that I had done something wrong. Her first reaction is still today to invalidate my feelings and my experiences. So I guess that was happening then as well. I ended up not going to my parents with anything anymore. Not having boundaries or defense against anything. My solution was to shut off my feelings. I remember a diary note I found from when I was 17. "Where are my feelings? I don't feel anything." As a child my safe place was with my grandmother. I also struggled in daycare. We spoke our native language at home, so that was the only language I knew. When they dropped me in daycare in very early age, I did not understand anything anyone said. I basically learned the main language by myself by necessity. My biggest victory I remember was when I was about 4 years old, and I felt so frustrated that I wanted to call her. My mother refused to dial the number for me. I concentrated on remembering the finger patterns she had used over the dialer when she had called her before, and tried it. On the other end she answered and two days later she was at our door having traveled half the country for me and picked me up and we left the ~ city, for the mountains. I now find myself over 30 years old living at my mothers house unable to properly take care of myself, because of my recent collapse. So I depend on her now. We are slowly healing some wounds and now I "force" her to listen to me. I can see she has difficulties with it and it is not easy for me either. Anyway I can now see a lot of the dysfunction and somehow understand her as an individual person. She have had similar experiences with language and school, and I have heard her telling someone what a painful experience that was. She let that happen to me to.

Oh, laelle, I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting right now.  I can relate SO much to what you said about your lack of healthy bonding with your parents and how that has translated into your feelings of fear and insecurity.  My mom also failed to protect me.  I, too, felt so alone as a child, and I was terrified of being dropped off at daycare and kindergarten.  It was hard to sleep alone.  I still put pillows all around my body.  I basically raised myself (with the help of my grandmother and great-grandmother, but they couldn't be there all the time).

I read recently that when children are abused or neglected by their parents, they can learn to "split" the bad parts of their parents away so that they can remain attached to them, which is necessary for survival at the time.  I can see how I hung onto my uBPDxb too long, and I "split" away the parts that would prevent me from staying attached to him.  It seems I split away the bad, and he split away the good.  So, we were both splitting.  It's beneficial to see this pattern as it's one that I certainly don't want to repeat!

I can also relate to the urge to contact your ex.  The anniversary of my mom's death hit me hard this year, and I had a recent breakup.  I was craving love and security, and my uBPDxbf had been trying to contact me for several months.  After doing so well without him for awhile, I was suddenly overcome with feelings of missing him.  I replayed all of our good times in my head, missed him more and more, and contacted him.  I was convinced that we had both learned enough in our time apart to try again.  That began a 2+ month recycle that seemed to start beautifully -- but ended painfully.  Oh, I must mention that my uBPDxbf was a mirror of my mom, so I think that played a large part in why I longed for him when my "mom stuff" came up.

This is some tough stuff that these r/s's unearth, but it's necessary for our self-awareness and healing.  I am thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.  

I believe I have split my parents, so I could cope. I definitely split my feelings off. All the pain from then has risen up now as the child within can not cope anymore. In my previous post about "missing" the drama. A dream I had made me realize that I was triggered with a super strong feeling of inadequacy. Thus having a need to contact her. maybe it is like Charred posted on this forum "The only thing that explains the obsession/pain/longing... . to me is the mistaking their love for the love of the parent you never had and giving them the reaction a perfectly unconditional loving parent would deserve... . then having the rug pulled out from you... . so it seems like you lost what you love most... . "  

[arabella]

 

There was a discussion, on another thread, about how pwBPD will reach out to their dysfunctional FOO when they are dysregulated. No, I'm not suggesting you have BPD! But I am considering the connection between emotional instability/upheaval and the instinct to reach out to those who have hurt us in the past. Do you think it is perhaps an attempt to 'heal' by going back to try to have a different experience? i.e. A last ditch attempt to 'fix' things as a method of self-soothing?

[Mountaineagle]

Scary thought. Maybe it applies to co-dependents as well? I have been here for 5 months now. I was so wrecked from the relationship that I had nowhere else to go. I am slowly starting to function now, more or less. But in the beginning I was just trashed with anxiety and depression. I was not fully aware I had these FOO issues and how deep they were. By analyzing the exBPD relationship and it's issues and myself and my role in it, I have started to open my eyes now about how dysfunctional I really am. This hurts a lot but I am now committed to do my work, and yes this is probably an attempt to heal. I feel I am making huge progress. For the first time in my life I am communicating with my parents on an emotional level. And for the first time setting firm boundaries in my relationship with them. It feels healing. I know I have to leave soon and will when I recover more

[maria1]

Me too Laelle. My parents didn't really parent me. They just let me do it myself. Occasionally they jumped in if I did something they didn't like but there was nothing positive handed down, no example set. Maybe a little from my mum but I'm not sure.

It's hard. 

I found a parent in bands, weirdly. Left wing, mod bands with strong messages about life is where I found rules and parental messages. And in literature. At 16 I read about absurdism and I didn't look back! I didn't fear in the way you describe. I felt lonely.

But I had no idea about personal boundaries or how to deal with relationships, other than with a moral response. Poor partners.

I think I have found a parent with these boards in a way. I think I'm looking to myself to parent myself and that's getting easier. A while ago I started reading 'Home coming' by John Bradshaw.  I need to finish it as I think it's incredibly valuable for people like us.

I can see you finding your own place in the world. Knowing that you don't want your BPDex even though you feel tempted to contact him is a huge step. What you want is the illusion of safety he provided. You can get to that place if safety with yourself so you have your own certainty to cling to in moments of distress. 

[Suzn]

Be kind to yourself during your discoveries laelle.    Recovery is hard work sometimes. It is perfectly normal human behavior to seek comfort when we feel sad. What self soothing techniques are you using? What are you doing for you?

[Surnia]

Yes this is so hurting, Laelle. Its brave to let it come, recognize it, share it.

A big big 

Be gentle with yourself.

[laelle]

Wow, thank you so much everyone.  I havent really had the time to reply to this today, but really guys, thank you so much.

I went to my psychiatrist tonite and I talked to him about what the psychologist had discovered.  No clue what he thought about it.  He just wrote mysterious things

on his notepad

I wanted to contact my ex last nite because I felt that since my thinking was damaged, (the cod article and my therapy session) then he must have been right.

That I was the problem.  I didnt contact him.  I cried my little heart out and went to bed.  I was pretty much back to normal this morning.  It was just a bad moment.

Making contact with the child inside of us isnt easy.  Feeling the pain and fear of my childhood all over again was tough.

I cant begin to imagine how painful it must be for someone with BPD to relive theirs in therapy.  I have all new respect for those who do.  It speaks volumes of what they are made of.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Laelle, Your sadness resonates with me.  I am sorry for your childhood loss.  :'( 

But I am glad you making some discoveries, albeit painful.  It's good you cried.  Keep crying and the heaviness will begin to lift.  I also understand wanting to contact your ex.  I've felt that way lately myself, but I have not contacted her.  It would only be more of the same, but probably worse.

My father left my family when I was probably 8, and I hardly ever remember him being there before that.  He worked all the time and was having an affair.  I've recently come to the very hard realization that my mother most likely has BPD.  I did not want to see this, but it is becoming clear with the help of some therapists and my own work.  Needless to say, she was not often emotionally present, if ever.  I took the emotional caretaker role when I was just a kid.  I still kind of play that role with her.  It's sad, but that's the way it is.  I do have better boundaries with her now.  I went for about 4 years with no contact with her at one point.  It's been quite a journey.

I applaud you for being vulnerable with others on this site.  That gives people the courage to share their stories.  It shows great strength, Laelle.  You are worthy of love and deserving of emotional support.  I support you.

Big  !


And, oh yeah, I don't have stinky feet today!  But I want to go run around in the mud in my bare feet!   

[Surnia]

I didnt contact him.  I cried my little heart out and went to bed.  I was pretty much back to normal this morning.  It was just a bad moment.

Great, Laelle.

And I agree with you, coming in contact with the inner child is painful. Once the contact is established, you will be rewarded. 

[laelle]

I am looking forward to the moment when I can emotionally kick the ass of anyone who every hurt her. To protect her, I have to reach her.

[doubleAries]

laelle--

I have recenlty gone through something pretty similar.

It was weird--I started waking up with pain in my neck and upper back. Wasn't sure why. Started blaming my new memory foam mattress pad. Was thinking about taking it off my bed. Then started crying--for no discernible reason. Couldn't stop. FINALLY occured to me that I was having feelings. But for me, I understood that it was because I was finally safe--away from my stbx husband. i did not want to contact him or talk to him about it. I knew it was something he would try to manipulate and take advantage of.

I also realized something that was totally obvious--never once, not one single time when I was growing up did my mom ever tell me she loved me. She DID, however, tell me she hated me, wished she'd never had me, wished I'd die, wished I'd just go away. And these weren't just words--her actions and behavior all pointed to the same thing. I also didn't learn boundaries. I also turned to people I shouldn't have trusted to share my innermost vulnerabilities (so I could continue the cycle of rejection).

I think the first breakthrough is the hardest. Once nothing really bad happens when you experience what you were too numb and scared to experience when you were a kid, it becomes easier.