Any stories about how you confronted your SO with uPBD about having BPD?

[Rainyren]

Im tempted to tell him I believe he has it.  About 6 month ago i left him for a week to go "clear my mind" and wrote him a letter. Figure he cant argue with a letter. I said i loved him, but he needs to work on his anger and i think he would benefit from anger management,. 

It didnt work. but he did agree to go for a smoke outside when i told him to, when i felt his rage is building up. but he never did once the time came. I didnt know about BPD then.

Anywho. Anybody tried confronted their SO? how did it go?

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[Rainyren]

And i m also wondering if maybe i should tell his parents about my feeling? any thought?

[Surnia]

Hi Rainyren

Your question is a frequent one, for both aspects, telling the partner and the relatives. I understand your intent to be helpful and supportive. We recommend not to tell.

It can be too hurting or it can be seen as stigmatizing or labeling which is not your intent. Some members get confronted with the same as backlash... .  Relatives like parents are taking sometimes side with her SO.

We have a Workshop here about it: PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD.

I hope this helps a little bit.

[Rainyren]

I am reading it at the moment! this website is amazing. I think i will find opinions, answers to all my questions... .    I just need to navigate through it properly  

[Surnia]

Oh, yes, when I was new here, I had the same, I clicked a link and there were other links and I spent hours with reading... .  



and should you get lost there are on Staying always the Lessons on the right navigation bar ---------->

[waverider]

General advice as Surnia states is dont. Unless they are already in a position of wanting to work out what their issues are (rather than denying it) and then ready to do something positive about it, it can have devestatingly negative results.

I started off by discussing various components and how they may be linked when she was in an insightful mode long before the title of "disorder" came up. That started the ball rolling in her own mind that something might be amiss. As I was able to say do you find in ABC circumstances you start thing along the lines of DEF, and could this be somehow linked to the way you respond with GHI, which is similar to how JKL  makes you do MNO... . etc makes you sound like a mind reading and is very validating.

In any case it is better YOU learn about it and how to manage it way before they ever have to deal with it

To tell someone that their lifelong history of dramas is actually down to them is about as invalidating as you can get, then follow that up with there is no quick fix magic pills to stop it. They will hear "you are a loser, always have been and always will be"... . Their response will not be "OK fair call"... .

[bruceli]

I did, she got upset, did'nt rage, brings it up now during her disregulated days.  I know she has looked into it... .  She just is in denial about the depth of her issues.  At 50, she is just tiring of the BPD life style it seems... .  but as we all know... .  she could be gone tomorrow... .  

[Grey Kitty]

My wife has always been on the high functioning side of things. Sometimes I thought it was on the edge between milder BPD and major co-dependence-from-hell on her side.

I didn't really confront my wife about BPD. She actually heard about it through another friend who knew what was going on... .  and mentioned that DBT might help her.

She read about DBT... .  then read about what DBT is used for, and found BPD out about BPD that way.

During some really rough times I did tell a few friends about the possibility of BPD for her, for what seemed like "good reasons at the time... .  " If nothing else, these people all had some understanding of mental health issues, and were reasonably sympathetic about it.

She also had a couple people say that she absolutely didn't have BPD in their opinions. (It was reassuring to her. By that time I knew better than to argue / check / debate this)

This all happened during dark days where she was targeting a LOT of BPD behaviors at me. Things did start changing.

I found bpdfamily.com. I started enforcing boundaries. That was huge. She did some T and other personal growth work. (Not DBT, or anything specifically for BPD, though) And along the way, she found a way to let go of her own self-hatred, recognize how horrible her treatment of me was, and even forgive herself and move on. There was an amazing turning point where things really felt different.

I believe that she was "cured" of BPD last summer. She no longer blames me for her own feelings. It is an amazing difference.

HOWEVER, I believe it was within the last month that she said something about that "time that you thought I was crazy". Even after she has gotten better, she still feels hurt by the label and the accusation. I stopped using the label BPD with her soon after it came up because it only brought up bad feelings.

So I can't say anything good about telling a partner that they have BPD from my experiences... .  which are much better than many on these boards!

At some level, I would love to have a more open discussion with her about BPD, and even the support I've found here... .  mostly because I hate having secrets from her. I have no plans though--it just seems like a bad risk.

GK

[Rainyren]

The past 2 days were hell. Fighting yelling name calling you name it. I could literaly pin point all the `traditional`BPD response so to speak.

Yesterday morning i broke down. I could no longuer pretend I was strong. Went to ask my father if i could borrow his jeep to bring baby at the daycare and asked why i coulndt use my car, I have a flat. Asked why uBPDbf did not fix it yet. And i juste started bawling like a child. It just all came out... . all the stress the fear the pain of it all. Then i went back home and hid in the bathroom to cry and my spouse walks in sees me criying and says, well what the ~ is wrong now? and he just rants and rants... .  

Fast forward to this morning. Im ok this time. Im strong not engaging. But when he walks up to me and gives me the finger in my face, calls my a f** B** awfull mom . again. woo enough. I pack up my things and I decide to spend my days off at my moms 2 hours away. hes threatning to call the cops and bla bla, finaly comes with me i drop him off at his parents and leave him there. Now he is of course btchin and deflecting and splitting. I told him.

You need help controlling your emotions. As long as this is not happening, this seperation is permanent. I will no longuer be your punching bag. You need to control your rage and temper or you will keep loosing your loved ones.

I did not talk of BPD to him but i did hint that there was somethign wrong. Im not sur how he responded cuz he hung up on me but he did try to talk to me after. He texted that he was stressed out bu the sees it might get better someday. He said he did not know if the seperation is just a break or what but until he has his live in ordrer and not dependant of anyone we can talk again? He says he is moving out as soon as he gets a job but he is working on it... .  

But I already kicked him out? Im not sure if he means working on himself or he is juste telling me what he thinks i want to hear?

I did not answer his text.  God i hope he took it seriously but i seriously doubt it. I figure its a start and probably all i can do . At least i tried.

[waverider]

The past 2 days were hell. Fighting yelling name calling you name it. I could literaly pin point all the `traditional`BPD response so to speak.

Yesterday morning i broke down. I could no longuer pretend I was strong. Went to ask my father if i could borrow his jeep to bring baby at the daycare and asked why i coulndt use my car, I have a flat. Asked why uBPDbf did not fix it yet. And i juste started bawling like a child. It just all came out... . all the stress the fear the pain of it all. Then i went back home and hid in the bathroom to cry and my spouse walks in sees me criying and says, well what the  is wrong now? and he just rants and rants... .  

Fast forward to this morning. Im ok this time. Im strong not engaging. But when he walks up to me and gives me the finger in my face, calls my a f** B** awfull mom . again. woo enough. I pack up my things and I decide to spend my days off at my moms 2 hours away. hes threatning to call the cops and bla bla, finaly comes with me i drop him off at his parents and leave him there. Now he is of course btchin and deflecting and splitting. I told him.

You need help controlling your emotions. As long as this is not happening, this seperation is permanent. I will no longuer be your punching bag. You need to control your rage and temper or you will keep loosing your loved ones.

I did not talk of BPD to him but i did hint that there was somethign wrong. Im not sur how he responded cuz he hung up on me but he did try to talk to me after. He texted that he was stressed out bu the sees it might get better someday. He said he did not know if the seperation is just a break or what but until he has his live in ordrer and not dependant of anyone we can talk again? He says he is moving out as soon as he gets a job but he is working on it... .  

But I already kicked him out? Im not sure if he means working on himself or he is juste telling me what he thinks i want to hear?

I did not answer his text.  God i hope he took it seriously but i seriously doubt it. I figure its a start and probably all i can do . At least i tried.

You are enacting the first principle boundary of not sticking around for abuse, verbal, mental or physical. No need to explain or justify it to him. Just enact it and stick to it each and everytime. Cause and effect will be obvious.

Look after yourself