Missing him

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm missing my ex today, and I need some help around retraining my thoughts.  I've thought of him every day since the break up a month and a half ago.  I need to reclaim MY life.  I just want to know what everyone else does when you miss your ex?  Thanks for any suggestions

[leftbehind]

I'm missing my ex today, and I need some help around retraining my thoughts.  I've thought of him every day since the break up a month and a half ago.  I need to reclaim MY life.  I just want to know what everyone else does when you miss your ex?  Thanks for any suggestions

[hithere]

get busy and stay busy... .  do stuff you couldn't do before.  Take up a new hobby or go back to an old one, call up and visit family or old friends.  Start a project at home, go to therapy, join a sports team, start working out... .  so stuff for you.

[costadelmar]

For me I didn't even know what BPD was until last week.  my exBPDgf and I had our final recycle this past september.  When I found myself missing her I would write down all of the bad things that happened in our relationship the ways she treated me.  I would then go back and read and re-read.  I was astonished when I found out what BPD was and compared all of my notes what I learned about the disorder.  I had my own theories that she was the most selfish person I ever met and how could she do this to us after all the love we shared etc etc I know it's all BS now.  Anyway that helped me by writing the bad stuff down, it's kept me strong and NC for over 2.5 months now.  Today has been the roughest in a while because in another post on the message boards I relieved the end of our relationship, but I've since re-read and I know being without her is the best thing to ever happen to me.     

[Billa]

I think of him all the time so I understand perfectly. For me in certain days it is very difficult to stop obsessing myself and nothing works. Some other time I feel a bit better, so the thought is less centered on him and more on the fact that leaving was for me best thing to do, but, but in both cases, my thoughts are struck in this sort of swamp of my mind

[laelle]

I know how you feel leftbehind,

I miss my ex so very much sometimes.  Our emotions are like clouds passing by.  One moment a cloud passes that is sad, and the next there is one that is happy, etc etc

I have found this to be a continual process while grieving. 

Suffering is caused by emotions that we create.  If I sit and think about my ex, the pain will be unbearable.  Focus on you for a while.

What can you do to get yourself to a healthy place.  What do you enjoy doing?  I like taking a walk through town.  It may sound weird but I enjoy sitting back and just watching people.  It brings me a sense of peace.  All that movement going on.  A woman and her child, a police man directing traffic, the guy in the coffee shop purchasing a lotto ticket... .  and I am sitting very quiet and very still.

[seeking balance]

I'm missing my ex today, and I need some help around retraining my thoughts.  I've thought of him every day since the break up a month and a half ago.  I need to reclaim MY life.  I just want to know what everyone else does when you miss your ex?  Thanks for any suggestions

Of course you miss him - you loved him.  This is normal in any breakup, but because the bond with BPD is so intense, even moreso now.

I give myself permission to cry over it for a certain period of time (you get to determine that).  After that, I go change my energy by getting active physically.  A walk, run, yoga - something to get my energy flowing.

Hang in there, it will get better!

SB

[leftbehind]

Thank you everyone for responding   I had been doing a whole lot of yoga, and that was helping until I had a hamstring tear and can't do anything physical until it heals.  It's a real bummer, but I know time will heal it, like time will heal the emotional stuff too.

One thing that I'm even afraid to address is that I had a really good sexual connection with my ex.  He was beautiful, and the sex was the best ever.  Especially since I loved him so much.  I don't see how I could date someone who I didn't feel that strongly about in the future. 

It wasn't just sex, either.  He was the sweetest man I've ever went out with, till he broke it off abruptly like we were never more than the most casual of aquaintances.  Since we had an amazing time the whole 8 months we were together, there are no bad memories to focus on, except how he ended it like I was an annoying stranger. 

I guess what I can focus on is how this is his pattern.  He gets to a certain point in the relationship where the glitter wears off, and then he jets.  I would like to have a love in my life that's more grounded, centered and consistent than that.  Someone who isn't looking for the "perfect fantasy" of love.  I think this is something I need to shift inside myself, so I don't attract another person who's only in it for as long as the sparkle of Idealization lasts... .  

[Hurt llama]

sorry for how you feel. we all know how you feel.

You have to experience it to understand.

Do what I do, read eat drink and sleep thinking about it and post 10x a day... .



No, don't be like Llama but it is helpful to write.

Hang in there. You will be stronger than ever.

[seeking balance]

One thing that I'm even afraid to address is that I had a really good sexual connection with my ex.  He was beautiful, and the sex was the best ever.  Especially since I loved him so much.  I don't see how I could date someone who I didn't feel that strongly about in the future. 

That's ok - you don't even need to think about that right now, let yourself heal.

It wasn't just sex, either.  He was the sweetest man I've ever went out with, till he broke it off abruptly like we were never more than the most casual of aquaintances.  Since we had an amazing time the whole 8 months we were together, there are no bad memories to focus on, except how he ended it like I was an annoying stranger. 

Read and reread this sentence - he was sweet when it was convenient, not when true kindness should be shown.  When a person shows you in their actions who they are - believe them!

I guess what I can focus on is how this is his pattern.  He gets to a certain point in the relationship where the glitter wears off, and then he jets.  I would like to have a love in my life that's more grounded, centered and consistent than that.  Someone who isn't looking for the "perfect fantasy" of love.  I think this is something I need to shift inside myself, so I don't attract another person who's only in it for as long as the sparkle of Idealization lasts... .  

Disney relationships belong on the big screen.  In the real world, love is a verb - not a fleeting feeling.

Use this time to dig deep into who you are and what you want - next time (there will be a next time with someone new) when someone seems to good to be true - give it some time to let them show themselves... .  it is ok that relationships take time - this is healthy.

[LetItBe]

I understand about missing him. 

I was thinking of my ex last night -- how we'd cook dinner on an evening like that with the window open, and how we could just talk and talk about feelings, spirituality, philosophy (he's unlike most guys I know in that regard), and how we'd make love.  I know that afterward, though, he'd disappear, and I'd feel more alone than in the time leading up to that. 

It's very helpful for me to remind myself what a future with my ex would really look like.  It's easy to get lost in fantasies.  I think I was lost in a fantasy, actually. 

Any relief I'd get from re-engaging with him would be temporary, and then there would just be more pain.  So, it's best to protect myself, to take care of ME.  The truth is that he isn't available for the kind of r/s I want.  It sucks.

[Mightyhammers]

its been almost 2 months to the day since I last saw her, and a few days after that when I spoke to her last - I miss her like Ive never missed anyone in my entire life. It has got better week by week, and it does get better, but I would literally give anything to be sitting by her on that train again waiting to send her off as I had no idea it would be the last time I would see her. Like I said it does get better, just try and get your head stuck into something else - something to better yourself is probably best imo.

Just take it day by day, and week by week it gets better I promise you