This morning while having a soul soothing hot shower I had a
moment.
As a recovering codependent I am always second guessing my feelings, reactions choices, beliefs and sanity when it comes to my BPDh. So, in yet another marathon self analyses session it came to me that I am beating myself up for no good reason at all.
In my fear of proving my husband correct in his belief that I clawed my way up from hell just to torment him I have never set any boundaries with him. IMO there are certain unspoken rules that ALL of us live by but a pwBPD it seems they live by no rules at all and we just make allowances for them. But then I thought "Wait a minute!" "They know the difference between right and wrong so why should I make allowances for his behaviors?" He does things that he KNOWS are illegal but he CHOOSES to do them anyway. He does things that he KNOWS will hurt me but he does them anyway. He may not choose to feel the way he does but his actions ARE a choice.
When he threatens me he knows it's wrong, when he has hit me he knows it's wrong, when he trolls craigslist for "casual encounters" he knows it's wrong, when he looks at child porn on the internet HE KNOWS IT'S WRONG! If a pwBPD had no idea that their actions were wrong then why does my H go to such great lengths to hide them from me and the rest of the world?
I am sick to death of being his mother, his nurse, his punching bag and his psychiatrist. I am now at the point where I will NOT be tolerating his misbehavior any longer. Because he insists on continuing to do things that he knows are wrong I refuse to be a part of his life. That's MY choice.
