Hi All,
First off I'd like to say “Hi”, and secondly, apologize for the length of what I hope to be a rather cathartic post for myself.
Here's a little of my background. I always thought my FOO was "normal" but wow... . was I wrong. I know that no family is "perfect", and as far as mine goes, I know I had it WAY better than many families out there that were more dysfunctional, but it’s still painful when reality slaps you upside the head.
My parents were married for 47 years until my father, who I believe possessed many BPD traits, passed away last year. Growing up, my dad was away a lot traveling for work and my mom was a stay-at-home mom. I am the oldest sibling of two, with a uBPD sister four years younger. As far back as I can remember, my family role has always been the "easy-going, never give a moment's trouble, care giving, always taking back seat” to my attention
seeking DEMANDING sister. It was the three of us (mom, sis, and I) for the majority of the time. Mom has always been the proverbial “ostrich with her head stuck in the sand” type when it comes to any kind of conflict, confrontation, or important decision making. She always deferred to my dad. What he said went. He was never mean or intentionally abusive to her, but in allowing him to make ALL decisions; they both did her a HUGE disservice by leaving her completely lost now that he’s gone. She didn’t even know how to use an ATM Machine until I showed her last year.
Dad was always financially irresponsible, very erratic in his behavior, i.e. getting upset at work, quitting on the spot, and then moving the family clear across the country with little notice once he had a lead on a new job. He was STILL working almost full time when he passed away at age 78 because he had never secured any type of retirement plan for himself or my mother. From the time I started kindergarten until 10th grade, I had been to 9 different schools in almost as many different states. Once I was old enough to get a job, I became Dad’s sounding board for all of his financial woes (emotional incest?). He would come to me with “Don’t tell your mother, I don’t want to worry her, but…I don’t know how I’m going to pay for rent this month.” Or “I don’t know HOW we are going to be able to give your sister a good Christmas/Birthday. I don’t have enough $$$.” (Yes, sis was born 3 months premature on Christmas Day. I like to half jokingly say that she’s such an attention *****, she couldn’t even let Jesus Christ himself have a day all to himself.) She’s always played the “poor me, I get gypped every year on presents!” card, although we celebrated the two events at separate times. How noble to protect your wife from any problems or worries but put adult issues and problems on your daughter, Dad. I always came to his monetary rescue, as much as a TEENAGER who was still in high school and working part time could. I have worked consistently for 30 years without collecting one day of unemployment. I made sure I had a job already secured before I left the previous one. I’ve been at my current job for 24 years and have ensured that I WILL be able to retire comfortably when the time comes. My sister, unfortunately, has not. She and my dad are cut from the same cloth. She hasn’t held a job for longer than 2 years at a time, and always finds something wrong so she quits, collects unemployment when she can, and now lives off of her fiancé and child support from her ex-husband. Bottom line…she flat out admits she doesn’t want to ever work and yet she considers herself the more financially responsible one of the two of us. Ummm…okaaaay… ?
I was also responsible for “fixing” any problems caused by my sis as well as any disagreements or fights between us. Mom had her head stuck permanently in the sand so she could never be counted on for any kind of discipline. Very “wait til your father gets home.” Dad would then tell ME to fix it even though sis would go off into a rage at the slightest provocation, imagined or otherwise. The reason I had to fix it, although she caused the majority of chaos? Because “…it’s killing your mother to see you two fight like this!” (Again…nice guilt card, Dad), so I did. The pattern always went like this. It still does. Something or someone in my sister’s life, sets her off. She unleashes her venom on me. I’ll try to reason or calm her down but she always hangs up or stalks away before I can get a word out. I sit back and wait for her to calm down. She does…eventually… yet never apologizes with anything more than a “You know how I am. Lol” She feels better, acts like nothing ever happened, while I’m left feeling drained and exhausted. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. It never changes.
The latest episode happened a week ago, which is a separate novel in itself. Long story longer, she FINALLY went out and got a job. She was there for only six weeks, but unlike every other job she’s had where SHE’S been the one to control her leaving, this time she was fired without any clue it was coming. She flipped OUT! Called me and started projecting BIG time. She yells that I’M a horrible person who doesn’t take care of my responsibilities…blah blah blah blah blah….I blow all of my $$$, etc etc etc…and then hangs up on me before I could say anything.
THIS WAS THE LIGHTBULB MOMENT FOR ME. I decided then and there, to go NC with the temper tantrum throwing child. When she calms down and comes back for a refill on her “emotional” gas tank, this station will be “CLOSED”. I’m done. I think the reason I feel so sure about my decision this time, is that I don’t have my dad yelling in my other ear to “fix” it so “it won’t kill your mother…” thus adding to the toxic confusion. Blech. That guilt card died when he did.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and I’m so happy to find a community that understands and one where I’m sure I’ll be able to learn more about myself and healthier relationships.
