To block emails or not...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have heard 2 different POV on the topic of NC and cyber blocking.  If you do, the BPD/NPD thinks your just punishing... .  if you don't and not respond you get stuff like this... .  

Hi XXXX,

I hope this letter finds you well.   I have wanted to write you for a few days.   I wrote some words on paper but I don't know where they are.   So this is ad lib.   

I am sorry for the pain I have caused you.   I will miss you and did love you deeply.   I'm glad I had the experience of love.    I know, as you have said, that we have been over for a long time.    You know all the dates, not sure I did because I still loved you.   I will always remember our sweet times together.   I often think of nice things like kissing in all the parking lots and stuff like that.   Just the simpler things.

I do know that you have reached out to certain people while in your pain... .     I always remember you telling me... . "XXXX, when did you realize not everyone is going to like you"   or care in different degrees.   XXXX, I am telling you that too,   and I'm not speaking of me.   I do care about you and want to, in some weird way, protect you.   

If you don't understand this, let me know.   I did have so many other things I wanted to say... .  but most importantly, the above.

truly,

XXXX

Just started detaching and feels good... .  first time that when I got communication from her... .  it did not feel good!

I've been focusing on my soul mate who I lost to Ovarian Cancer 3 years ago... .  she has always watched over me.  It was her spiritual touch that got me to investigate my suspicions and stop me from making a terrible mistake... .  marrying this woman... .  If anyone wants to see what I went through... .  i wrote a short story of my experiences.  Put excerpts in my introduction as a neewbie under flynavy!   

[flynavy]

I have heard 2 different POV on the topic of NC and cyber blocking.  If you do, the BPD/NPD thinks your just punishing... .  if you don't and not respond you get stuff like this... .  

Hi XXXX,

I hope this letter finds you well.   I have wanted to write you for a few days.   I wrote some words on paper but I don't know where they are.   So this is ad lib.   

I am sorry for the pain I have caused you.   I will miss you and did love you deeply.   I'm glad I had the experience of love.    I know, as you have said, that we have been over for a long time.    You know all the dates, not sure I did because I still loved you.   I will always remember our sweet times together.   I often think of nice things like kissing in all the parking lots and stuff like that.   Just the simpler things.

I do know that you have reached out to certain people while in your pain... .     I always remember you telling me... . "XXXX, when did you realize not everyone is going to like you"   or care in different degrees.   XXXX, I am telling you that too,   and I'm not speaking of me.   I do care about you and want to, in some weird way, protect you.   

If you don't understand this, let me know.   I did have so many other things I wanted to say... .  but most importantly, the above.

truly,

XXXX

Just started detaching and feels good... .  first time that when I got communication from her... .  it did not feel good!

I've been focusing on my soul mate who I lost to Ovarian Cancer 3 years ago... .  she has always watched over me.  It was her spiritual touch that got me to investigate my suspicions and stop me from making a terrible mistake... .  marrying this woman... .  If anyone wants to see what I went through... .  i wrote a short story of my experiences.  Put excerpts in my introduction as a neewbie under flynavy!   

[Validation78]

Hi Fly!

I can only speak from my own experience, and since you are still trying to figure things out, maybe this will help.

That looks much like an email(s) I have received. IMHO it is an attempt to real you back in and to engage you. If you respond, you will be sending a message that you probably don't want to send. That being, you are still within her reach. If you're sure that you want the relationship to be over, ignore it. Yes, it sounds cruel. She's pouring out her heart, expressing feelings that are real. If she's BPD, she's in pull mode, and once she pulls you in, she'll push you out all over again. It's a cycle, bound to repeat over and over.

I am not cold and cruel. I have been accused of punishing too. I know in my heart of hearts that the only punishing going on is that which I subject myself to when I open myself up to the effects of BPD. The only way for me to break free of the hold is to cut myself off completely. He doesn't understand, and never will. If all the years of struggle, strife, and therapy,  didn't help, no further discussion is warranted. It will lead to nothing good for me, and it is now up to me to do what I must to protect myself, and so should you. No matter what we do, the perception of our actions to the disordered pwBPD is never right, so we must put what they think aside, and look out for ourselves.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[flynavy]

Thanks Val... .  yes she is a BPD/NPD combo... .  her sister who is a psych nurse in NYC thinks also Histrionic?  I know the NPD side cannot let go of relationships... .  For me, I have blocked her 5-6 times before when we/I thought we could reconcile after I called off the wedding 3 weeks before so she would think ... .  there he is playing his games again.  I think I should not read them though.  Her sister thinks I should because she actually told me that she would stalk me if I left her once... .  funny how projection works because her sister said she was with her once when she tried to find out if her boyfriend was with anyone.  It is getting easier to not take what she says as having any truth... .  although her sister did say I was the one she thought she actually loved... .  but still didn't change.  I guess that says enough about the credence of her capability to love.  It is hard to envision someone who can do these things to sooth their pain!

[Validation78]

I know it may feel somewhat ego boosting to think that you may be the one that she actually loves, and how alluring that must be. However, it doesn't change the facts. A pwBPD is very ill, and cannot control the behaviors that cause pain for themselves and us without very specific types of therapy. Even then, it takes years, and true commitment. Many pwBPD cannot and will not follow through with what's necessary to make changes. Unless we can learn how to manage the disorder, without letting it effect our wellbeing, there isn't much chance of a healthy relationship. We end up settling for less than what we want and deserve, and the fact that we make a conscious decison to do so certainly gave me some food for thought.

Do you think you are really ready to move on? What steps are you taking to put this behind you?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[PM10]

I think it is different (but similar!) for everybody.  I tried not blocking.  I tried blocking.  Either way, he gets angry, and he gets an email or message through.  This time I got the police involved.  He STILL made up a fake Facebook account and contacted me after 6 weeks.

So, for ME what is most important is that I work on myself and fortify myself against any attempt he makes.  It is really hard, because for me this is an addiction, and I only feel good when I am hearing from him.

[turtle]

I am not cold and cruel. I have been accused of punishing too. I know in my heart of hearts that the only punishing going on is that which I subject myself to when I open myself up to the effects of BPD. The only way for me to break free of the hold is to cut myself off completely. He doesn't understand, and never will. If all the years of struggle, strife, and therapy,  didn't help, no further discussion is warranted. It will lead to nothing good for me, and it is now up to me to do what I must to protect myself, and so should you. No matter what we do, the perception of our actions to the disordered pwBPD is never right, so we must put what they think aside, and look out for ourselves.

Best Wishes,

Val78

Val78 said it perfecly.

No Contact isn't about punishing them.  It's about protecting ourselves.  It's not something we do TO them, we do it FOR ourselves.

In my deepest moments of fear and despair, I truly never wanted to punish crazyx. 

Even after all of the horrible things he did to me, I NEVER wanted to hurt him. It was clear to me that  anyone that behaved the way he did had to be hurt enough already.  And... .  HIS pain actually made it much harder to actually say "I cannot speak to you anymore."  I knew that this crushed him, yet I also knew that staying connected to him meant CERTAIN devastation and destruction for ME. 

No one can tell you what to do flynavy, but not reading/hearing the things like her email really will help you move on. And blocking her is the easiest way to do it.  If you block, it doesn't even show up, so you're not tempted to read, and then respond.

turtle

[flynavy]

Val and the last 2 posts... .  Thanks... .  I see a therapist regularly... .  he believes I may have got involved too soon with her without properly grieving for my wife... .  guess i needed to fill a huge void having been loved deeply for 32 years... .  I was easy prey... .  I'm also an ACOA and have co dependent tendencies and an addictive gene.  :)efinitely was addicted to the sex (like everyone else here, it was over the top) and the things she said.  I am aware now... .  I am in the process of selling my house... .  lots of good memories but the house is just a thing which is standing in the way of me creating new memories like my wife made me promise before she died(Ovarian Cancer 7 years survivor).  I rekindled my love affair with the guitar after not playing for 30 years... .  I know she is sick... .  its hard to believe but I am there... .  I know what she says and does/did was never about me... .  Not reading seems to be the key... .  I agree... .  reading just re-creates old pathways of pain, codependency

[LetItBe]

That looks much like an email(s) I have received. IMHO it is an attempt to real you back in and to engage you. If you respond, you will be sending a message that you probably don't want to send. That being, you are still within her reach. If you're sure that you want the relationship to be over, ignore it. Yes, it sounds cruel. She's pouring out her heart, expressing feelings that are real. If she's BPD, she's in pull mode, and once she pulls you in, she'll push you out all over again. It's a cycle, bound to repeat over and over.

I am not cold and cruel. I have been accused of punishing too. I know in my heart of hearts that the only punishing going on is that which I subject myself to when I open myself up to the effects of BPD. The only way for me to break free of the hold is to cut myself off completely. He doesn't understand, and never will. If all the years of struggle, strife, and therapy,  didn't help, no further discussion is warranted. It will lead to nothing good for me, and it is now up to me to do what I must to protect myself, and so should you. No matter what we do, the perception of our actions to the disordered pwBPD is never right, so we must put what they think aside, and look out for ourselves.

I agree with Val.  That email reminds me of a couple of notes I received after I requested NC last year.  When I eventually responded to him, I was convinced we'd both grown and learned enough to try again.  After a few weeks, the push cycle began again, with him triangulating (read definition), accusing me of "trying to trick him," silent treatment, push-pull, etc.  It was the same cycle as the first time we were together.  Even with all of his efforts in T and my use of the Tools I learned here, BPD took over again.

I am being faced with the choice to respond to a recent letter from him.  Our r/s ended after he broke an agreement about 6 weeks ago.  I made it clear in some emails that his behavior had been hurtful and damaging.  I let him know that I only saw harm in putting myself in the position to be ignored once again, and I asked him what was going on for him.  Instead of answering my question or responding with concern about my hurt feelings, he responded with a very smug, patronizing email that didn't really answer my question, didn't acknowledge his broken agreement, and expressed no concern about why I was upset.  So, I got a letter from him the other day, again acknowledging NOTHING, blame-shifting, and offering his "friendship and support."  I know that he can't truly offer either on a consistent basis, and that this is all about him.  I'm tempted to respond and include a request that he not contact me again, however, I'm sure he'll ignore that as he did last year.  I believe he is looking for a reaction -- any reaction, positive or negative.  So, I've been trying to discern if there is any benefit to sending him a final message, or if I should just leave it as it is and ignore/tear up any letters he sends.  As you said, Val, any response will only reinforce what they want to believe.

It doesn't matter if the pwBPD thinks we're punishing or not.  They're going to believe that no matter how kind we are.  We can't control their feelings.  The only thing we can do -- as the the other members here have said -- is to look after ourselves and do what we need to do for our own well-being and healing.

[LetItBe]

Val and the last 2 posts... .  Thanks... .  I see a therapist regularly... .  he believes I may have got involved too soon with her without properly grieving for my wife... .  guess i needed to fill a huge void having been loved deeply for 32 years... .  I was easy prey... .  I'm also an ACOA and have co dependent tendencies and an addictive gene.  :)efinitely was addicted to the sex (like everyone else here, it was over the top) and the things she said.  I am aware now... .  I am in the process of selling my house... .  lots of good memories but the house is just a thing which is standing in the way of me creating new memories like my wife made me promise before she died(Ovarian Cancer 7 years survivor).  I rekindled my love affair with the guitar after not playing for 30 years... .  I know she is sick... .  its hard to believe but I am there... .  I know what she says and does/did was never about me... .  Not reading seems to be the key... .  I agree... .  reading just re-creates old pathways of pain, codependency

Losing your wife was a huge loss, flynavy.  I'm so sorry you went through that.  I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and have a therapist to help with your healing. 

I think reading my ex's letter the other day was a mistake.  What you said makes sense -- reading recreates old pathways.  I've thought of giving any future letters he sends, unopened, to a good friend who happens to be a therapist.  Or -- I can just destroy them.

Be prepared for another letter or some other attempt to reel you back in. 

[LetItBe]

.

[oletimefeelin]

Flynavy,

My had an hpd streak as well.  I blocked her phone number, and she eventually reached out to me through her best friend.  She assumed I blocked her email as well.  I tossed it around for an hour or two and ultimately decided to respond in a way that implied I didn't give a crap.  In the end, with that kind of woman, I think it's best to give no reaction rather than an extreme reaction one way or the other.  I have not heard from her or anyone else close to her since. 

[oletimefeelin]

Val and the last 2 posts... .  Thanks... .  I see a therapist regularly... .  he believes I may have got involved too soon with her without properly grieving for my wife... .  guess i needed to fill a huge void having been loved deeply for 32 years... .  I was easy prey... .  I'm also an ACOA and have co dependent tendencies and an addictive gene.  :)efinitely was addicted to the sex (like everyone else here, it was over the top) and the things she said.  I am aware now... .  I am in the process of selling my house... .  lots of good memories but the house is just a thing which is standing in the way of me creating new memories like my wife made me promise before she died(Ovarian Cancer 7 years survivor).  I rekindled my love affair with the guitar after not playing for 30 years... .  I know she is sick... .  its hard to believe but I am there... .  I know what she says and does/did was never about me... .  Not reading seems to be the key... .  I agree... .  reading just re-creates old pathways of pain, codependency

Losing your wife was a huge loss, flynavy.  I'm so sorry you went through that.  I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and have a therapist to help with your healing. 

I think reading my ex's letter the other day was a mistake.  What you said makes sense -- reading recreates old pathways.  I've thought of giving any future letters he sends, unopened, to a good friend who happens to be a therapist.  Or -- I can just destroy them.

Be prepared for another letter or some other attempt to reel you back in. 

I had to delete everything.  I was analyzing things to a ridiculous degree.  One reason I respond was that I wanted to stop her from stepping up her efforts to get my attention.

[flynavy]

NonGF... .  thanks for the last post... .  I know i over analyze everything too... .  know I'm a type A personality... .  as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA) everything I have done in life was to prove that i am worthwhile, not worthless, thus the Navy Pilot.  I had to show my father and everyone else I WAS gonna make something of myself... .  that was his favorite thing... .  you'll never amount to anything.  Anyway, ACOA also have codependent tendencies... .  always looking for affirmation and most importantly... .  Love.  I was easy prey. 

The brain is an amazing thing. The pathways we created with the wonderful things our BPD/NPD SO are there for a reason.  We want to remember the good things that made us feel so over the top... .  couple that with the over the top sex for a man.  Its almost like being in a cult... .  you have to be de-programmed... .  so even though I know who she is and what she says is not real, it still triggers the brain "pathway" that used to be the pathway to feeling good.