It makes sense now...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I spent the better part of Sunday texting back and forth with my wife. I initiated the texting. I actually called her and left a VM asking to talk. This week I am able to file for divorce finally. We have a one year wait period in my state and the time is up.

She is fighting against me doing this tooth and nail. The only requirement is we are legally separated for year. That's it. It's a no fault state.

I wanted to talk about the past 6 months and why we split to begin with. I learned a lot after reading her texts. I can sum it up like this. She has every email/text I sent after she went NC on me. She saved everyone and started texting them back to me, to point out how horrible I am as a human being. Some of them are very one sided, and will not make sense without the whole conversation. As I read the texts she was sending me, the light bulb went on. She is in court battle mode and she believes she needs these texts to prove something to the courts. She said as much. Again, circle back to the state law. This is a no fault state. The judge is not going to care or ask why we are divorcing. The judge will want to know, has it been a year. I will say yes, she will say no. I will inform the court that she wants me to continue to pay for numerous bills I currently pay and she has threatened me all along if I don't, she will file abuse charges against me, she has threatened police intervention, so forth and so on. I will also present a simple email she sent back a year ago to confirm we were no longer living together, by her own words. Case closed, divorced. She thinks she will get the chance to lament on and on about all sorts of emails/texts and the courts don't care.

I feel sorry for her. I feel bad that she is where she is. I started to think, just for a moment, maybe we can end this amiably. As I wrote very conciliatory texts to her, I started to worry, maybe she will take all of this the wrong way and think I am trying to engage in a reconciliation. So, I wrote a text being very clear, that was not my intention. I merely wanted to see if we could end on a note of positive exchanges and not this absolute hatred she has for me. Then another thought came to mind. I cannot control what she thinks. This whole exercise of trying to communicate with her is futile.

I made a final statement to her and let it go. I told her, it's as if she set her house on fire, and now there is nothing but ashes and a mess of unusable items scattered all over, and the only thing she can focus on is the items. She cannot accept and see, she started the fire.

Am I healed by this cathartic exercise? Not really... .  Did I send her horrible, angry emails and texts over the last 6 months? Yes... . I did. Is there an excuse why I did this? No... . I should not have done it. Is it possible when faced with the end of a marriage with no explanation, no understanding and NC for 6 months, your mind will go wild with thoughts and self control will be lost? I am proof of that. Does any of it matter anymore? Not that I can see. I will not get a resolution as to why she ended it one warm sunny day back in November while we walked the dog. I will never get closure, why she kicked me and my kids out of the house back in May 2012. She cannot face it and answer a thing for me. It's just not within her to do.

So, at the end of the day... . I need to back off... . and let go... . and not look to her for any answers. And I have to keep that feeling I felt during those scant few moments, the feeling that what if she decides to reconcile, what do I do then? And realize, I do not want back on the merry go round. Whatever I am feeling and why I am trying to reconnect with her has nothing to do with her. It is all about me. And that is the work I need to concentrate on.

[spaceace]

I spent the better part of Sunday texting back and forth with my wife. I initiated the texting. I actually called her and left a VM asking to talk. This week I am able to file for divorce finally. We have a one year wait period in my state and the time is up.

She is fighting against me doing this tooth and nail. The only requirement is we are legally separated for year. That's it. It's a no fault state.

I wanted to talk about the past 6 months and why we split to begin with. I learned a lot after reading her texts. I can sum it up like this. She has every email/text I sent after she went NC on me. She saved everyone and started texting them back to me, to point out how horrible I am as a human being. Some of them are very one sided, and will not make sense without the whole conversation. As I read the texts she was sending me, the light bulb went on. She is in court battle mode and she believes she needs these texts to prove something to the courts. She said as much. Again, circle back to the state law. This is a no fault state. The judge is not going to care or ask why we are divorcing. The judge will want to know, has it been a year. I will say yes, she will say no. I will inform the court that she wants me to continue to pay for numerous bills I currently pay and she has threatened me all along if I don't, she will file abuse charges against me, she has threatened police intervention, so forth and so on. I will also present a simple email she sent back a year ago to confirm we were no longer living together, by her own words. Case closed, divorced. She thinks she will get the chance to lament on and on about all sorts of emails/texts and the courts don't care.

I feel sorry for her. I feel bad that she is where she is. I started to think, just for a moment, maybe we can end this amiably. As I wrote very conciliatory texts to her, I started to worry, maybe she will take all of this the wrong way and think I am trying to engage in a reconciliation. So, I wrote a text being very clear, that was not my intention. I merely wanted to see if we could end on a note of positive exchanges and not this absolute hatred she has for me. Then another thought came to mind. I cannot control what she thinks. This whole exercise of trying to communicate with her is futile.

I made a final statement to her and let it go. I told her, it's as if she set her house on fire, and now there is nothing but ashes and a mess of unusable items scattered all over, and the only thing she can focus on is the items. She cannot accept and see, she started the fire.

Am I healed by this cathartic exercise? Not really... .  Did I send her horrible, angry emails and texts over the last 6 months? Yes... . I did. Is there an excuse why I did this? No... . I should not have done it. Is it possible when faced with the end of a marriage with no explanation, no understanding and NC for 6 months, your mind will go wild with thoughts and self control will be lost? I am proof of that. Does any of it matter anymore? Not that I can see. I will not get a resolution as to why she ended it one warm sunny day back in November while we walked the dog. I will never get closure, why she kicked me and my kids out of the house back in May 2012. She cannot face it and answer a thing for me. It's just not within her to do.

So, at the end of the day... . I need to back off... . and let go... . and not look to her for any answers. And I have to keep that feeling I felt during those scant few moments, the feeling that what if she decides to reconcile, what do I do then? And realize, I do not want back on the merry go round. Whatever I am feeling and why I am trying to reconnect with her has nothing to do with her. It is all about me. And that is the work I need to concentrate on.

[heartandwhole]

So, at the end of the day... . I need to back off... . and let go... . and not look to her for any answers. And I have to keep that feeling I felt during those scant few moments, the feeling that what if she decides to reconcile, what do I do then? And realize, I do not want back on the merry go round. Whatever I am feeling and why I am trying to reconnect with her has nothing to do with her. It is all about me. And that is the work I need to concentrate on.

Wonderful, wise words, spaceace.  You sound strong.  The gift of the r/s with pwBPD is the better person that comes out of the FOG.  Best wishes on your journey, and thanks for the inspiration!  

[spaceace]

Stronger maybe... . not really strong... .  more sad than anything.