I'm just now reading a wonderful book called "Codependent No More". There is a great sentence in there stating that codependents rarely ACT, they mostly spend life in a state of REACTION - reacting to other people's emotions, actions, etc. How true is this? I've been practicing mindfulness exercises suggested in another great book, "The High Conflict Couple" the last week or so and the results have been great.
Last night I got home and dBPDh was grumbling about a work issue that clearly had him upset and anxious. I noticed my physical reactions were anxiety-driven: throat, neck, shoulders tensing, heart beating faster, etc. Just noticing them helped ratchet my emotions down and I was able to validate him by saying "that really sucks!" He started talking about the decision he had to make, and immediately I formed an opinion about what I wanted him to do - but again, noticed how quick my reaction happened. I chose to not mention what I wanted and he made his own decision, imagine that! He chose what I didn't want him to do, and I actually decided to express my disappointment (since he seemed to also reach emotional equilibrium at that point), but it was not emotionally charged at all. “Aw, I was looking forward to you staying home tonight.” I’m not sure why exactly, but he actually handled that well! Said something about how he would try to take a day off in the next few weeks, and I appreciated that. It felt like he got some satisfaction out of making his own choices without any outside input, which makes sense given who he is and where his issues are.
Just now, he asked me for advice on a different work issue and when I gave it, he was upset. He’s really anxious about the whole thing, so this particular instance was a double bind – I haven’t yet reached the point where I decide to not give any more advice on the topic when he asks, not sure if it will come to that or not. Sometimes he takes the advice well and appreciates it, sometimes not. Regardless, as soon as I finished talking I realized the situation was a double bind and accepted that! I “allowed” him to be upset and hang up quickly (in the past I would’ve tried to talk him out of being upset), and sent a short text that just said “I love you and support whatever you decide to do 100%” So this is what it feels like to be normal! Choosing to act based on what I want to do, and not being pushed around by his emotions or mine! I love glimpses into the world of emotional health like this. It really encourages me on this road of recovery which can seem very long and treacherous (impossible) sometimes, and I thought it might encourage some of you
