A hello and an urgent need of help (BPD partner)

[crawler]

Hello to everyone, this is my first post and I'll get right to the point  

This could be a long one, so brace yourselves. I'm writing here because of my girlfriend. We've been together for well over a year and during that time I've noticed that something is really far off on the radar, if you know what I mean. I mainly contributed this to her eating disorder (Anorexic thoughts/Bulimic behavior), but I couldn't figure out the other part which was more hidden. She always had aggression problems, her mood would swing in a second from super high to extremely low. She had a history of self-harm and mostly when she is feeling down she threatens that she will hurt herself. Also, she reacts extremely to any sort of sudden or unexpected change of plans, whether with sadness or rage.

Now the main trigger for me coming here is something that happened only recently. This event has been building up ever since last year due to her projection (if I understood the term correctly)

Long story short, she managed to evade certain words/manipulate me/lie to me about a certain upcoming event at that time, which made me interact with an ex partner (just saying hi and talking to her, although we were together shortly once, she is a sort of friend since we just parted ways in a healthy manner) under the guise that my own partner was ok with that and even supporting me in such a thing. I saw my ex three times (once just saying hi and introducing her to my partner/other time a brief conversation of five minutes/third time also just saying hi) and only after the second interaction did my partner start objecting, on the grounds that I do not have self-respect because I'm talking to a person who hurt me, which is obviously untrue. My partner was well aware that if she was bothered by me talking to the ex, I would just simply not do that and she'd only need to tell me. But she didn't, she only encouraged it.

Cutting it shorter, that whole thing with the ex decayed our relationship completely. My partner started blaming me for the fact that I ruined her trust in me with such behavior. She began thinking that I'm watching other girls now. That I don't love her enough anymore, although I do everything in my might to make her feel it. She knows that I want to marry her, but that doesn't matter. She thinks now that I find other girls prettier and that I'm with her for some other, unknown reason. She's feeling hate for herself now because "I made her hate herself".

On top of all that, she expects me to ALWAYS manage to be good for her, which can be nigh impossible due to her anger problems and ups/lows, since I simply cannot succeed in cheering her up always. She grew up with a narcissistic mother and a really disturbed family environment where she is still living and that greatly affects her, which is something that I can't control or mend. The worst in all that is the fact that no matter how tiny our fight can be, she keeps draining that "trust" which she is losing in me. The best part is yet to come... .  it's a long distance relationship.

At the moment, we are apparently breaking up. Her call, because "I keep breaking promises that things will get better". Because "I broke her and destroyed a person that I love". She is threatening to self-harm again, drop out of school, start smoking again. All because of those "trust issues" and me "not loving her enough", which I find as a projection onto me. (please correct me if I'm wrong)

I'm sorry for the wall of text, I am just desperate. I love her. She is a beautiful person aside of these problems and I consider her to be the love of my life, so backing out of this and abandoning her is not an option. I was contemplating to book a plane ticket to her, but sadly I have almost no money for a 100 Euro plane ticket and I just feel without options at the moment. Thanks for taking the time to read and maybe offer some advice. If anyone wants to know more, I'll additionally write, and sorry for the possible typos. Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi cr@wler, welcome to this site, I'm glad you found us!  I'm sorry that your girlfriend is pulling away and wanting to breakup over seemingly nothing.  Unfortunately, for a person with BPD, being close to someone can be very, very difficult and can trigger a lot of behavior that seems irrational to us.  I've been there, and I know how desperate I felt when my romantic interest pulled away from me so suddenly when we were so incredibly close and in love.

How long have you been together with your girlfriend?  Is she diagnosed and in any kind of treatment?

Here are some links that might help:

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

Here is one about projection: BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

This site is loaded with tools to help things get better.  There really is hope for you and your girlfriend.  

Keep posting and let us know how we can support you.

heartandwhole

[crawler]

Thanks so much for the warm welcome, greatly appreciated!:)

We are together for almost a year and a half. Before that time we got to know each other really well (or, not well enough apparently) and everything was a fairy-tale basically.

Sadly she is not diagnosed and not in treatment. A long while ago she was in therapy for Anorexia, when she dropped to the bed due to being extremely underweight. Afterwards she was shortly going to a therapist who suspected Manic Depression, but no treatment or solid diagnosis came out of it. She has been in a research clinic (applied for one of those tests for which you can get paid to participate in) regarding Manic Depression, but after an interview they rejected her because they signaled a possibility of BPD. She didn't look further into it.

One problem is that she only discovered her mother's mental illness through reading about Narcissism, so now she thinks that she herself has no mental problems (aside of the E.D.) and that it's all her mother.

At times my partner mentioned that she wants to go to therapy (for her E.D. at least), but she has no money for a proper therapy and she doesn't want to do anything about it until she moves out of her family home. Which at this point, can mean a further 2 or so years.

Thanks for the interest! I'm trying to read as much as I can from all the resources found on the site!

[heartandwhole]

Hi again cr@wler,

I hope your gf will go into treatment for the eating disorder, that could help a lot.  So, are you two communicating?  Seeing each other?  :)o you think there may be a chance you both could work on the relationship?

The questions will help me to point you to the best community here to support you  

Hang in there, and keep writing!

heartandwhole

[crawler]

Hey again heartandwhole!

Sadly I think that treatment won't happen any time soon. Aside of the mentioned money issues, she thinks that she would go to E.D. therapy only AFTER she has again went underweight and falls into bed, which is a thought that frightens me to death to say the least.

As I said, we are in the midst of a break-up. She completely blocked me, both on her phone and over the internet (mail, websites, etc), since as I said we are long-distance. She set up an ultimatum for me: that I should learn from my mistakes, that I need to acknowledge that I broke her and that I stop breaking promises. She is guilt-tripping me to the maximum and basically she threw all the weight of the relationship on me. She will "wait for me", but won't talk to me until I "understand what I did".

So is there a chance? I guess so, but only if I play her game, which I am trying to avoid and I think would be healthy for the both of us somehow. I just feel at a loss what to do at this point.

Thanks for the feedback!

[crawler]

So is there a chance? I guess so, but only if I play her game, which I am trying to avoid and I think would be healthy for the both of us somehow. I just feel at a loss what to do at this point.

By this I meant that I don't feel like I should play along with this whole projection of hers. I don't want to back out on her and leave her hanging there alone. I want to stick around and help her in any way I can.

[heartandwhole]

Hi cr@wler,

Okay, I'm getting the picture, and yet, I still have some questions!  I hope you don't mind 

How long have you been "blocked" and not had contact with her?  If you are blocked, how can you reach her when you've "seen the light?"

[crawler]

Of course I don't mind, heartandwhole, I really appreciate your effort!

The explosion of all this happened a couple of days ago... .  I think last Wednesday night. Her ultimatum was set yesterday.

There is a hole in the blockage, so I can contact her via her secondary tumblr page, as I managed to do yesterday. Other, more direct means of contact are gone. E-mail/chat blocked, phone number blocked, main tumblr page unfollowed and blocked.

I just have one more question for you, now that we are talking more. Is my course of action here, as well as my perception on this whole situation, justified and "right"? From all the guilt-tripping and solid argumentation from her she made me feel like the worst boyfriend on the planet and made me doubt my own actions. I guess that because of that desperation I have turned to post here, to get some sort of approval and someone telling me that it's not me who is wrong :/ And of course, to show me the next step to mend this whole mess.

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi cr@wler, thanks for the additional information.  I'm going to recommend that you post on the Staying board, even though your gf is blocking you right now.

 

There are specific tools (communication, validation, boundaries, timeout) that everyone in a relationship with a person suffering from borderline personality disorder needs to master. People with this disorder tend to perceive the world differently than you and I.  That is why her reality seems so "right" to her.  But you have a different experience and reality of the relationship.

These tools will help you a lot in understanding her behavior.  Her behavior is not personal, the disorder is very powerful.  Our senior members on [L4] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner have a lot of experience with this and can help a lot. 

I commend you for your compassion and willingness to make things better.  Your gf is lucky to have you!

Keep writing, it helps us support you better.

heartandwhole

[crawler]

Thank you so much!

I will make a new topic on that sub-forum and give a link to this topic.

And thank you for your praise. I just hope that both me and her will endure through this Hell, this has really been crushing. I will keep my next topic updated.

[WillSurvive420]

my gf said the exact same thing to me... .  that i wasnt doing enough to make our relationship better when in reality i was doing everything i could atm, but she wasnt. she also started smoking cigs after we broke up. she also said she was thinking of cutting herself... .  you cant control their thoughts or behaviors... .  All you can say is that it hurts you to see them hurt themselves. you were me a lil less than 3 weeks ago... .  i know you love her, but you CAN and YOU WILL FIND better. if you can just LET GO. you're looking at a life time of therapy just to keep things balanced... .  if shes not willing to comitt to that than it will never work... .  no matter how much you "love" them... .  i suggest going to co dependency meetings... .  you will gain inner strength from these meetings... .  maybe after  awhile she might see you act differently, and "mirror" you... .  if her "mirroring" process makes her feel good than you have a chance to get your foot in the door, but id suggest getting out while you can my friend. Dont' walk, RUN! thats what my psychologist told me last week when i told her my story... .  just look at Jodi Arias trial!  BPD is not to be messed with... .  Do you really want those genes being passed down to your offspring? social darwinism

[naloorider]

i know you love her, but you CAN and YOU WILL FIND better. if you can just LET GO. you're looking at a life time of therapy just to keep things balanced... .  if shes not willing to comitt to that than it will never work... .  no matter how much you "love" them... .  

Hi crawler - I'm new too    just posted the other day. 

I can relate to what Will is saying here - especially the part about "just let go."

I'll share my story - and please realize I don't mean to generalize, that this is just my own experience with this beautiful person that I love and adore very much, and who I realize is and has been an incredible gift to me in my life.

I've been having issues with my dBPDgf of 5 years lately.  The difference is I'm actually now able to see it as another growth opportunity for us both, at least for today.

She's relatively healthy now, compared to where she was when I first met her 7 years ago:     when I first met her and was dazzled by her, I managed to find out by gently interogating her on the phone with direct questions (before we'd slept together, thank goodness) that I was her new attraction, that in her little dance with me she was sort of "cheating" on a married guy that she'd been having an affair with for two years, all the while lying to and still living with her female partner of 15 years!  When I discovered this, I was like "whoa!" - I like you ALOT, and I totally don't judge you, but that is WAY OVER my head.  I told her gently and kindly, thanks but no thanks.

Two years later she sends me an email.  Turns out she  left the married guy, gone into therapy (with a great therapist who worked pro bono with her for nearly 2 years), was on medication that worked wonders, was in the process of moving out on her own from her 15-year relationship, a person who had loved and supported her through hell and back, and with whom she is still very close friends.

She tells me all this, and asks if we could be friends?  Sure, I say.  Shortly thereafter we are sleeping together and I am the greatest thing EVER!  (Ha! I most definitely am not, and I know it.)  Fortunately, I was unemployed and a few months into it a road trip back to colorado to see my family and visit my sick grandfather was in order, and I was away from her and with my family for a few weeks.  She called and texted me all the time.  It bothered me, and I'm 40 years old, old enough to know that I don't want a relationship with a needy person, no matter how cute they are.   When I got back, I broke up with her, told her I really liked her (ALOT), but that I just knew she wasn't the one for me.  It devastated her, she told me later, and she raged and cried for days.

Two months later, she emails again wondering if I want to hang out on Halloween day.  Sure, I said.  She shows up in her skin tight catsuit carrying a pumpkin, looking adorable and sexy as hell.  Of course we had a great time, and had sex that night.  And I was now all in. Head over Heels. Six months of bliss, followed by that sickening, frustrating push/pull routine.  I was 41, a couple of long-terms r'ships but never married, alone for a few years, and wanting a serious, adult relationship.

She was newly experiencing being a relatively sane person for the first time in 20 years and didn't know what she wanted.  She was still way too attached to her ex partner, wanted to have sex with an old HS classmate, afraid of intimacy, couldn't commit, hiding emotional online affairs.  Still exhibited much typical borderline behavior, although on a much less extreme level.  It still made me crazy, because I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship.  We broke up a few more times (I kept dumping her).  Once I got so mad I even threw a glass that tore a hole in the front door and came perilously close to hitting her in the head.  At that moment I realized I was becoming something I didn't want to be. 

So I sold my house and moved an hour away, closer to my job.  I realized the only reason I was staying in the town and commuted an hour each way to work was because of her.  We'd been together nearly two years and she wasn't ready for a commitment, but I was and I wasn't getting any younger, so I did what made sense for me. I moved.  I told her I wasn't leaving her,  exactly, but I was arranging my life in a way that worked for me.  I loved her, and she could come with me if she wanted.  Of course she was very upset. I let her be upset.

And do you know, for the next 9 months she bought and paid for her own bus ticket to come up and stay with me every weekend. Which is a really big deal, because she worked part-time at a fairly low-paying job and paid her own rent.  She had the time to be on her own that she needed, and she had enough distance from me to focus on what she wanted.  She then quit her job (where she'd worked for 7 years!), and moved away from her friends to a new town to be with me.  We got along great and were pretty darn happy together for about two years - and basically we still are.

But I found out about an affair about a month ago.  I posted about that on my intro page. And like life in general, it's To Be Continued... .  

Anyway, my point in all this is: it's been a long journey for her and for me, and I have had to learn a lot about myself in what I am willing to give up and accept and what I can't/won't accept.  Taken a lot of soul searching.  And although I love her much, I won't accept being miserable, being treated badly and being lied to.  I'm still learning ways at more effectively responding to this, but the most powerfully effective way to respond has been to, without anger and judgement, JUST LET GO.  I don't let go in order to get what I want from her, I just let go and do what I need to do for me.  And darn it all, so far she seems to respond to that in a really constructive way for her, and I seem to end up getting much of what I want.   

I should add that NOT having kids makes the option of LETTING GO possible for me.  If she or we had kids, it would probably be a totally different story.

The pwBPD that I have known (2 to be precise) is that they are very vulnerable and needy, and at the same time they are VERY good at getting other people to take care of them.  For me and my relationship, the secret has been to realize ( and keep reminding myself, because it's hard to do)  that I do not need to take care of her - and in fact taking care of her actually helps keep her in her illness.  That's the paradox.  pwBPD are needy and vulnerable, but taking care of them doesn't actually help them, not really. 

Crawler and all - I wish you the best with your girl, and hope my story helps you and/or others to see some aspect of their relationship past or present, more clearly.  I've learned ALOT from folks here already in the couple of days I've been here.  So thanks!

naloorider