how to transition home from RTC

[jellibeans]

My dd has been home for 24 hours and she is very unhappy. She says she doesn't feel welcomed here and that one no cares she is home. She is having one crying spell after another. We had a list of expectations that we discussed at our last family therapy before she was released. One of the things was no phone at first. We want her to settle in and adjust but this is something she is having a hard time accepting. She is extremely emotional... .  I am wondering if she will make it through the weekend.

We went early this morning for her intake meeting at the out patient program. she could have started today but once again was crying and crying and begging to start next week. I talked privately with the therapist there and her thought after being away at the RTC she can have a few days to adjust home so I did not have her start today. We went to lunch at a nice restaurant by the lake and she told me she was very tired so we came home after.

She has done nothing but ask for her phone all day and I have tried one million times to tell her we do not think she is ready for her phone right now. This is not the answer she wants so she is crying with the odd swear word thrown in.

So here is my question... . .how can we help her adjust?

UPDATE:  She just came in and hugged me like nothing happened and has been watching TV with me since... .  help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceandhope]

jellibeans do you have a written contract with your dd?

[jellibeans]

We had a behavioral contract some time ago but it really didn't help... .  we now have a written lists of values... .  respect for self... .  respect for home and respect family... .  each has a natural consequence... .  we also had a level system of sorts for when she came home... .  this started with no phone and no away sleepovers... .  stuff like that... .  she gains more freedom with behavior... .  We went over all this at our meeting but she seems to be unhappy with the restrictions.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, jellibeans... .  I know that my dBPDs36 is in a different place than your daughter (older, tired of his low functioning life so ready for therapy and willing to get "better", but have you thought of seeing if she would want to try Neurofeedback Therapy?  My son recently got out from a 21-day Dual Diagnosis program (he was just diagnosed with the BPD at that treatment center; his other diagnoses are ADD, Depression, Anxiety, and he went into the center because of SA and SI issues).

Along with his Outpatient Therapy and Psych Therapy, part of his ongoing treatment now is Neurofeedback Therapy, which he just started 3 weeks ago. It has changed him into a new person! Honest to God, he's back to being the kid I knew before he started being traumatized by a world and school/teachers/fellow students who didn't understand him and tortured his soul and self-esteem. He is doing it intensively; started out almost every other day for sessions, and now he goes up to 4 days in a row at a time since it is doing him so much good. He's signed up for 20 sessions (he's done maybe 12 so far?) but we will be signing up for another 20 as soon as this set is completed.

Of course, his insurance does not cover it, but we get a bit of a discount by signing up for 20 at a time. And the Certified Neurofeedback Therapist is a wonderful, compassionate woman passionate about her field, who is only 15 minutes away from our house. Our family (including my son) feels like it was a miracle we found her, and for the first time since he was a young boy he sees light at the end of his cognitive tunnel. I learned about this Therapy by reading lbjnltx's story here about her daughter, about a week after my son was discharged by the Dual Diagnosis Center which included info about this website in their discharge papers (!).

I can never thank this site enough for helping him (and my husband and me) with his recovery. I know that there is a long road ahead before dBPDs36 will be--hopefully--able to live a full life with a real job and income, maybe even a wife and family... .  Or, even just the means to become self-sufficient and be able to move out and be on his own. But, the sullen, angry, self-medicating, depressed, curled-up-in-a-ball-in-his-bed character that he was for more than 15 years is gone now. And a smiling, happy, helpful, productive and loving real-live-human being has taken his place. My son is back    I never could've predicted that  

[cleanandsober]

We just finished 1 year of intensive in home therapy with our daughter.  Now I am finding she is "testing" our rules/boundaries to see how consistent and firm we will be.  Stay strong, firm and consistent with house rules.  I am sure she will feel more secure with the routine in a few days.  I know how difficult it is when they plead for something they can't have.  We have a rule that if our daughter misses school, she has no computer that day.  We took phone away for 3 months last year after she got arrested for shoplifting.  She screamed and begged for 2-3 days but calmed down when she finally realized that we meant business and would not "bend" for her.  Peace to you and your family, stay strong, and don't give in!

[lbjnltx]

 1~Giving her more freedom than she can handle sets her up for failure.

2~Trust is built over time through consistent responsible behaviors.

3~Consistency is highly important.

4~Giving in will create an extinction burst.

5~She is feeling an overwhelming compulsive need.

6~She is pushing limits and testing boundaries.

7~She needs to know you will not give in order for her to feel secure.

8~Having a phone is a privilege that needs to be earned.

9~Give privileges in increments (let her use your phone initially).

10~Keep your fears in check for her own well being.

[jellibeans]

Thanks again everyone... .  it was a rough day yesterday. The nonstop crying was just hard to take. lbj... .  thanks for the list... .  I can see after she came back she was fine but I was really afraid she was heading for the ER... .  I am glad we didn't give in to her.

clean... .  I will try and stay the course

Rapt... .  I am very interested is what you posted... .  I might start a new topic with that and see if other have had success.

thanks again... .  today is another day and we are heading to new family therapist... .  

[Being Mindful]

So here is my question... . .how can we help her adjust?

Transistions are hard. Getting her phone back only temporarily relieves her pain. She's looking for anything to get rid of the pain. We know that a phone does not soothe the real pain... .  it is a temporary fix, not a long time fix. The long time fix is allowing her to be in this pain, having her feel the pain, learning it is ok to be in pain, validate her pain... .  sad, anger what ever it is, validate it. She has a good opportunity to learn here. Don't give her the phone, don't feed her with the message that a phone takes everything away and makes it all better. Let her feel the natural consequences of this situation either by that she gets through it or things ramp up for the worse.

While in the RT, did she learn coping skills or self-soothing skills? See if she can use some of those.

Being Mindful

[jellibeans]

Today was a bit better for dd. We went to meet our new family family therapist that we just started with two weeks ago. She is in the same office as dd's therapist and dd's T was able to sit with her first for 30 minutes and talk while I talked with the Family T privately so that all worked out great. So she got two therapy sessions today! She had a better day and there was less crying. She has a friend over tonight and she is very happy. I hope the rest of the weekend goes well... .