Why do they accuse you of cheating?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm sure it will never make any rational sense to me, but why do they accuse you of cheating? I've read so many posts here about the same thing. Not only did my ex make up a story about me cheating, he actually tried to tell me that someone sent him messages telling him I was seeing someone else. This is after of course, I had to tell him it was over because of his continued drug abuse. He had to come up with some crazy story to tell people or what? I knew he was FOS as soon as he started telling me this stuff.

The worse part is that I have heard him tell me that pretty much all of his ex girlfriends cheated on him, were dating someone else, etc. When I confronted him about the fact I knew his ex wife wasn't dating a dermatologist that removed a mole from her skin, he got so angry and made the story even crazier... .  his ex wifes brother told him.

Truth: his ex wife never even visited a dermatologist while married to him. Her brother hated him and didn't even talk to him period and much less tell him something like that. Yes, she has a mole on her breast that is still there to this day because she never had it removed.

My god! What is wrong with these people? Someone please shed some light on this.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I'm sure it will never make any rational sense to me, but why do they accuse you of cheating? I've read so many posts here about the same thing. Not only did my ex make up a story about me cheating, he actually tried to tell me that someone sent him messages telling him I was seeing someone else. This is after of course, I had to tell him it was over because of his continued drug abuse. He had to come up with some crazy story to tell people or what? I knew he was FOS as soon as he started telling me this stuff.

The worse part is that I have heard him tell me that pretty much all of his ex girlfriends cheated on him, were dating someone else, etc. When I confronted him about the fact I knew his ex wife wasn't dating a dermatologist that removed a mole from her skin, he got so angry and made the story even crazier... .  his ex wifes brother told him.

Truth: his ex wife never even visited a dermatologist while married to him. Her brother hated him and didn't even talk to him period and much less tell him something like that. Yes, she has a mole on her breast that is still there to this day because she never had it removed.

My god! What is wrong with these people? Someone please shed some light on this.

[motherof1yearold]

Pure projection. It is the same way how they accuse you of lying when they may be lying. However , hear me out. Just because he is accusing you of cheating doesn't mean necessarily that he is cheating ( though he very well could be!) it just may mean he is afraid that he may make a mistake and cheat, and it also plays into his fear of abandonment (because most people leave when cheated on)

[motherof1yearold]

PS- about him making up the messages, I think that was his ploy to 'trick' you and get you to admit something that never actually occurred.

[marbleloser]

Sometimes it's projection and sometimes it's insecurity.It's part of the abandonment fear.

[lhd981]

That's the thing about so-called "confirmation bias". Rather than having a hypothesis and proving/disproving it based on logic and empirical evidence, you selectively look for evidence to back it up. There's no logic involved and the entire process is flawed, but you feel like all the pieces are falling together because of that confirmation bias.

Much like I, as a CD, made certain assumptions about my BPD exgf and her feelings at the beginning of the relationship and used confirmation bias to ignore all of her red flags and explain away all the rage and bizarre quirks along the way; she, on the other hand, made an assumption as well: that I would abandon/betray her somewhere along the way. The accusations of cheating were more "proof" fed by the confirmation bias.

I've heard many people say or otherwise imply that those who accuse the most often have the most to hide - as if to say that they're almost always cheating if they accuse others of it, but I'm not sure it necessarily has to work that way - especially within the BPD mind. Cheating may very well be the ultimate act of abandonment/betrayal, especially for a pwBPD, so it's a particularly ingrained fear in their psyche. It's not only the abandonment of them for another person, but the ensuing implied comparison between them and that person; as if their ego isn't fragile enough as it is.

The final breakup with my BPDexgf happened because she supposedly found "evidence" that I was cheating - which was preposterous - until I realized just how serious she was with her accusations. Let's just say she believed in "shooting first and asking questions later". Though I never had reason to believe she cheated on me, I did catch her heavily flirting with a coworker (who was goading her on) at a party - for which she had a "perfectly valid" excuse in her mind, that being that I was "pulling away from her" while she was in a busy three month period at work. She also admitted to having had a two+ year emotional affair with a much older and married man right before we met.

So, yes, a guilty conscience may influence these accusations, but I think the core goes deeper - to that fear of ultimate and absolute abandonment.

[feelingcrazy7832]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm mentally exhausted right now and want to post but need to go to bed. This has been a tough week of me wondering if my ex was really cheating or if he really had that much of a fear. I wouldn't put a whole lot past him as far as what he's capable of but this one just blew my mind. He made so many weird comments like "if either one of us decides to see someone else, please promise me we will tell each other". What the heck? I started a huge argument after that comment because all I could think is obviously he is thinking about cheating on me? Urgh, too much mental exhaustion trying to figure this out.

He also said "well I believed when I did hear this about you seeing another man, I had it coming to me". Again, it's exhausting defending yourself to an imaginary person calling my ex and talking about my imaginary boyfriend on the side. Crazy.

For a long time, I felt bad for my ex. He grew up in a house with a father that basically didn't come home for days on end, stayed out drinking and did god knows what, left his wife home to raise two babies and when he did come home, my ex had to watch him abuse his mother and his brother and himself. He was abandoned and neglected. However, I got to the point with him, that he treated me so badly, that I just didn't care anymore to figure it out or be empathetic to it. Maybe this all is an abandonment issue but it's not mine to own. I never deserved this. I didn't cause it. I'm just the target for his fears.

[Lady31]

I have to say given your circumstances I do not believe that this has anything to do with any perceived fear on his part.  I believe it is a DELIBERATE LIE that he knows is a deliberate lie and is just using this as an avenue to engage you, take all the focus off of himself, make you the bad guy and get you defending yourself.  That's it.  He doesn't really believe this AT ALL.  I believe it is purposeful and calculated.

[Siamese Rescue]

My ex constantly accused me of cheating.  It was terrible.  I agree with the above poster. I think it's a way to distract from himself and put the focus on you and put you on the defense. I've lived it. It's exhausting. It's terrifying and you're always in a panic trying to prove you're not cheating... .  It truly sucks.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I agree with Lady. I was thinking this morning on my way to work that it's sad that my four year old has more of an emotional IQ than this jack a--s.

[Vegasskydiver]

My ex constantly accused me of cheating.  It was terrible.  I agree with the above poster. I think it's a way to distract from himself and put the focus on you and put you on the defense. I've lived it. It's exhausting. It's terrifying and you're always in a panic trying to prove you're not cheating... .  It truly sucks.

The same thing happened to me.  I couldn't have been more loyal, yet he kept saying that he knew that I was going to cheat on him... .  in the end he said that he was miserable with me because he agonized over the thought of me cheating on him.  So very sad.

[MockingbirdHL]

My ex constantly accused me of cheating.  It was terrible.  I agree with the above poster. I think it's a way to distract from himself and put the focus on you and put you on the defense. I've lived it. It's exhausting. It's terrifying and you're always in a panic trying to prove you're not cheating... .  It truly sucks.

The same thing happened to me.  I couldn't have been more loyal, yet he kept saying that he knew that I was going to cheat on him... .  in the end he said that he was miserable with me because he agonized over the thought of me cheating on him.  So very sad.

EXACT SAME situation I am in now ... .  my dBPDh is convinced that I have cheated on him, or that I am going to -because his first wife did.  Now he looks for "proof" all the time.  Reads my email, goes through my phone, constantly scours our bank account and credit card records, questions charges that are obviously innocent, scruitnizes every post I put on Facebook ro Instagram (I have stopped completely now) ... .  

Its even more exhausting that walking on eggshells, because to him, ANYTHING can serve as proof.

When we married a year ago, I thought that the commitment we had made to one another would lessen his fear, ow that I am his wife, not just a gf.  But honestly, he did not really start accusing me of cheating until AFTER the wedding.  I think now that I am his wife, it seems like a whole lot more to lose, and thus has heightened his fear.  Plus he cannot get past projecting the fact that he ex-wife cheated on him ALMOST FIFTEEN YEARS AGO and that I might do the same thing.

[confetti]

 i have never once replied to any of these topics, just lurked... .

this~i had to reply. this seems really suspicious to me no matter what.

my exBPD would always say "what would you do if I cheated on you?"

(naturally you'd think, how do i answer that?

there is a right and wrong answer most likely (to the disordered))

not answering, he goes "you're supposed to leave me"


... . this was a question that sprouted during white.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I completely agree to Lady's post that yes, he did this deliberately to take the focus off of all the things he had been doing.

Vegas-do you even know for sure his ex wife cheated on him? I only ask becasue my ex made up a story about his ex wife in GREAT detail about how she started dating this dermatologist after she moved out before their divorce was final. The same dermatologist who removed a mole from her chest. I would months later talk to his ex wife who told me she never knew any dermatologists, never even saw a dermatologist for any reason while they were married and guess what? That same mole is still on her body.

So very frustrating to try and figure this all out. I seriously thought he was a sociopath at one point. I couldn't make stories like this up if I tried!

[AJwhatThe]

My exBPD used "my Cheating" as a reason for justifying why she ended the relationship. She accused me of cheating on her while I was on vacation in Italy last year. The only problem with her accusation is that she was with me every moment of the trip. She concluded that when she looked at my emails a month before the trip, I had received spam emails from various dating sites and generic Viagra sites. She said I needed the Viagra to keep up with all the women I was meeting.

[bewildered2]

i used to get that all the time.

she'd go through my phone while i was asleep and then try and find proof that i had cheated on her. there was none. i hadnt cheated.

but she sure had!

i think that in most cases the accusations of cheating are pure projection.

sick. sick. sick.

b2 

[crashintome]

My ex only accused me of cheating when SHE was cheating.  I don't know if it justified it to her, or if she wanted to take the "heat" off of her own infidelity.

[fromheeltoheal]

Remember two traits of BPD are intense jealousy and impulsive behavior.  I say the jealousy stemmed from the fear of abandonment and the impulsive behavior stemmed from living in perpetual chaos and looking for temporary relief.  I was 100% faithful to her, but was always being accused of infidelities, while she 'enjoyed the company' of several suitors during our alleged 'monogamous' relationship.  Never heard that story before, have you folks.

But now that it no longer matters to me, I've developed sympathy and compassion for her.  What a continuous hell she lives in, no wonder she frequently mentioned killing herself.  And people like her will never get to enjoy people like me in her life long-term, which sucks for them, because it could have been awesome.

[GreenMango]

What I noticed from much of the accusations whether about cheating or other things was it was fear based or had some paranoia in it.  Sometimes it was what he was doing or would do.

It became clear that there was a lot of insecurity and it would generate some wacky thoughts.  This was difficult for me to understand and cope with.  I had heard of people having minor trust issues but I realized that this was different.  Feelings were facts.  

If the person had BPD those insecurities are deep rooted.  They don't get alleviated by a loving partner.  They getting exacerbated easily.  The script is everyone leaves them or betrays them or abandons them.  It's not really about the partner its the relationship.  The fears are overwhelming and it could be any relationship.  It's not personal in that respect.

[Mr Bean]

My exBPD used "my Cheating" as a reason for justifying why she ended the relationship. She accused me of cheating on her while I was on vacation in Italy last year. The only problem with her accusation is that she was with me every moment of the trip. She concluded that when she looked at my emails a month before the trip, I had received spam emails from various dating sites and generic Viagra sites. She said I needed the Viagra to keep up with all the women I was meeting.

Hahaha, I can relate your story to mine. Stupid excuses that she accused us of cheating. These BPD are all the same in the end.

[MockingbirdHL]

My exBPD used "my Cheating" as a reason for justifying why she ended the relationship. She accused me of cheating on her while I was on vacation in Italy last year. The only problem with her accusation is that she was with me every moment of the trip. She concluded that when she looked at my emails a month before the trip, I had received spam emails from various dating sites and generic Viagra sites. She said I needed the Viagra to keep up with all the women I was meeting.

Same thing here - went through my phone and found unread spam emails from dating sites which "proved" I was cheating.  Now I am wondering if he is (has been) ... .