My kids' mom still lies about her boyfriend -so it's hard to renegotiate the R.

[Vinnie]

I've accepted that she left me for another man, and that the marriage is over. We have five grown children with grandchildren, and a S9, so we have to relate on almost a daily basis.

My question is, how do I renegotiate a relationship with my stbxW when she keeps insisting that her bf is "just a friend?" She wants everybody to believe they're platonic, yet she stays nights at his house (my S9 tells me), travels out of town with him, etc. She wrote my mom this week: "Why is everyone judging me, when I've committed NO adultery?" and her daughter: "He's just a male friend, like your dad has female friends! Why won't you believe me?"  She just sounds nuts to everyone.

It's clear that BPD creates room for the fantasy that says if you keep repeating it, people will believe your story. The alternative is for her to own forever the stigma of being an adulterer who chose to break up the family. That would mean she did something wrong, which is as bad as death. She can't live with that, even if she has to stick with a ridiculous story for the rest of her life. It's very sad.

[mrclear]

Don't get me started... .  

BPD's are notorious liars... . They need to keep up the pretense of sanity. My exBPDw had a new boyfriend 3 weeks after our marriage of 15 years! Said it was just sex... .  Then she invited him for my daughters birthday a week later. She's on her 3rd now in one year. While I am watching my children right now, she said she would be available anytime. My kids just informed me she's on a trip to Milan with her new bf... .  Go figure... .  

Don't get hung up on what they say... .  Stay true to yourself, it's the only way out... .  

mrclear

[Vinnie]

I had lunch with our D23 (her bio daughter) today.  She shared how we could all get past the affair and the marriage breakup IF SHE WOULD JUST STOP LYING ABOUT IT.  Are they that, well... .  stupid that they can't see that?  I guess I know the answer - it's a matter of life and death to them how they're perceived, even by themselves, and lying to themselves and the world is sometimes the only tool they have.

[marbleloser]

I don't have an answer for you,but some people will deny the truth,even when presented with overwhelming evidence.It definately has to do with self protection.Like a child caught doing something they aren't supposed to and then denying it to stay out of trouble.It's difficult for me to grasp,because I've always taken responsability for my actions.Some people just simply don't do that.

The only advice I can give is to focus on yourself and the truth you know.Stop worrying about her admitting the truth or taking responsability.That's something she'll have to do on her own.

As far as having a RS with her,you may have to maintain low contact.For your own peace of mind and sanity.Staying engaged with her,while she's gaslighting,is only going to confuse you more.