"You never understood me"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Short: divorced from ex-wife with BPD. Have a child w/her. Mother's Day was always a treat during the 10 years of our marriage, and remains so today, because she wants so badly to be loved and get affirmation. When I didn't exactly reach out in the proper fashion today -- although I did get her a present and a nice card -- I heard this: "you don't understand me, you don't understand my needs, and you never did."

Was furthermore told that New Guy she's dating is the person who's REALLY helped her FINALLY feel loved. Of course he is.

Since the divorce, all of our old friends have remained close to me. She has distanced herself, and now actively criticizes them as "betraying" her ... .  even though she couldn't be bothered to do anything but talk about herself to these people while we were married. Now she's lumped us all into one hateful bundle -- with herself as the poor misunderstood victim, of course -- and only New Guy has the emotional depth to see what a joy she really is. 

Not quite sure why I'm posting this, other than just to vent a little bit. Have you had similar recurrences? NC is not a possibility because of custody. But this was getting pulled back into an old, ugly, familiar fight, and I was mad at myself for letting myself get sucked back into it after months of progress.

Any tips on letting annoyance at dealing with the same, tired arguments -- and the jabs at my ego, with how wonderful New Guy is?

[Mothra2012]

Short: divorced from ex-wife with BPD. Have a child w/her. Mother's Day was always a treat during the 10 years of our marriage, and remains so today, because she wants so badly to be loved and get affirmation. When I didn't exactly reach out in the proper fashion today -- although I did get her a present and a nice card -- I heard this: "you don't understand me, you don't understand my needs, and you never did."

Was furthermore told that New Guy she's dating is the person who's REALLY helped her FINALLY feel loved. Of course he is.

Since the divorce, all of our old friends have remained close to me. She has distanced herself, and now actively criticizes them as "betraying" her ... .  even though she couldn't be bothered to do anything but talk about herself to these people while we were married. Now she's lumped us all into one hateful bundle -- with herself as the poor misunderstood victim, of course -- and only New Guy has the emotional depth to see what a joy she really is. 

Not quite sure why I'm posting this, other than just to vent a little bit. Have you had similar recurrences? NC is not a possibility because of custody. But this was getting pulled back into an old, ugly, familiar fight, and I was mad at myself for letting myself get sucked back into it after months of progress.

Any tips on letting annoyance at dealing with the same, tired arguments -- and the jabs at my ego, with how wonderful New Guy is?

[BlushAndBashful]

I don't have any advice, except to say that I've been there... .  and it is what it is. During our frequent breakups, he mentioned "you just don't understand me"- although that was never a problem when we were getting along and I was perfect.  He also clung to the other woman because "she understands me, so I don't need you." A year or two later, he stated that I understood him better than anyone else ever could.

In some ways, I DID understand him- better than he did himself. Long before I knew about BPD, triggers, smear campaigns, etc. Long before I knew anything was "off" about him. I knew if X happened, then Y and Z would follow. I would see triggers before he did. I saw patterns happening that he didn't.   In other ways, I would be perplexed, sad, angry or hurt at the things he did and didn't understand what caused him to behave certain ways.

New guy? Of course he understands her. Today he's better than perfect. When he is chewed up and discarded, he will be horrible and full of flaws. It is what it is.

[heyhey]

Hi Mothra,

I didn't have kids with my ex but from what I've read on these forums is when kids are involved, keep contact strictly about the kids.  Don't let your ex pull you into an argument.  Let her know that your communication with her will be only about your kids.  If she tries to pull you into other matters end the conversation.  I think everyone on here has taken a blow to the ego, don't let her remarks about new guy get to you cause sooner or later he will be the old guy.

Take care

[doubleAries]

Hi mothra,

you might check out this article--it's pretty good How to stop circular arguments

Sometimes I have to bite my tongue with my stbx, but not as much anymore (practise really does work!). JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) didn't work before, and it's not going to work now. But sometimes I have to almost drown out what he is carping about with the voice in my head shouting "I don't have to defend myself against these ludicrous charges! REALLY!"

I think sometimes we got caught in the trap of thinking if we don't defend ourselves, then we are allowing ourselves to be walked all over. Which is not necessarily true.

[hithere]

how wonderful New Guy is?

The simplest way of dealing with this is too just remember this is for now... .  if she has BPD then it is just a matter of time.

[marbleloser]

New Guy is a temporary fix to a permanent problem.When he falls off the pedestal,there'll be another,or she'll try to recycle you.You're still "bad" right now,so nothing you do will ever be "right" or "good".

I have to ask,why did you get her a Mothers Day card and gift?Were you hoping she would appreciate the gesture?

[apple]

Short: divorced from ex-wife with BPD. Have a child w/her. Mother's Day was always a treat during the 10 years of our marriage, and remains so today, because she wants so badly to be loved and get affirmation. When I didn't exactly reach out in the proper fashion today -- although I did get her a present and a nice card -- I heard this: "you don't understand me, you don't understand my needs, and you never did."

Was furthermore told that New Guy she's dating is the person who's REALLY helped her FINALLY feel loved. Of course he is.

Since the divorce, all of our old friends have remained close to me. She has distanced herself, and now actively criticizes them as "betraying" her ... .  even though she couldn't be bothered to do anything but talk about herself to these people while we were married. Now she's lumped us all into one hateful bundle -- with herself as the poor misunderstood victim, of course -- and only New Guy has the emotional depth to see what a joy she really is. 

Not quite sure why I'm posting this, other than just to vent a little bit. Have you had similar recurrences? NC is not a possibility because of custody. But this was getting pulled back into an old, ugly, familiar fight, and I was mad at myself for letting myself get sucked back into it after months of progress.

Any tips on letting annoyance at dealing with the same, tired arguments -- and the jabs at my ego, with how wonderful New Guy is?

Hey Mothra, I have experienced something similar. My exw told me "I don't feel like you know who I am"  "we don't have the connection that we should" 

I will tell you this... . Its all a fabrication of what suits them at that point in time and is "TOTAL BULLhit". She is idealizing him and will eventually devalue him. My exw went from idealizing her 4th husband to devaluing him and divorcing him followed by re-cycling me with love bombing and when she went black on me, she idealized her 4th husband again to me.

Don't give it another thought as she's emotionally unstable and will eventually devalue the new "love OBJECT"

[Mothra2012]

Thanks, all of you. As always, this board excels at getting to the real heart of the issue.

Marbleloser, that's a good question, re. gift and card. Simple answer: I appreciate what she did for me in giving me our daughter, who has been (so far) largely unaffected and unaware. Longer answer: Sure, I was trying to be the good guy, even though I know how fruitless and self-defeating it ultimately is. We are tightly woven by our daughter's schedule; I'm hoping those bonds weaken over time.

I can already see how much stronger I am now than a few months ago... .  friends who are in deep, I can tell you with certainty: it does get better!

[marbleloser]

"I'm hoping those bonds weaken over time. "

They will.It'll be up to you as to when that happens.I just got called a "fool" and told "I can't stand you",so I'm a bit beyond the cards and gifts at this point.