Testing You

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I think most of us were tested all the time during our relationship, sometimes not even knowing that they were doing it. However, did any of your Exes tell you that they were testing you? My Ex Boyfriend told me close to the end of our relationship that after he had been treating me badly that he was testing me. He told me that his behavior was bad but me letting him do it was even worse. Yes, I am upset that I let him behave that way around me but it still doesn't make it any less wrong on his part!

I also remember him saying that he never treated anyone as bad as he had with me, I'm not sure if that's true or not. By the end I started to hear more about his past issues with his past girlfriends and yelling at each other sometimes etc. He grew up in an abusive home when he was young, his Dad was abusive to his Mom and he saw this when he was very young. I think that what made our relationship harder on him maybe, was that I didn't go along with the yelling back. I think the other girlfriends that would yell back and call him names back etc, made him feel like what he did was normal. I admit I stuck up for myself at times, when his specific behavior wasn't fair but I never behaved like he did ever.

I'm thinking that he might of denied behaving like he did with me with anyone else, but maybe there was truth to what he said because before me he might of always had a "boxing opponent," and I stayed on the sidelines and he only heard from me from the sidelines when he was out of line at times!

[Findingmysong723]

I think most of us were tested all the time during our relationship, sometimes not even knowing that they were doing it. However, did any of your Exes tell you that they were testing you? My Ex Boyfriend told me close to the end of our relationship that after he had been treating me badly that he was testing me. He told me that his behavior was bad but me letting him do it was even worse. Yes, I am upset that I let him behave that way around me but it still doesn't make it any less wrong on his part!

I also remember him saying that he never treated anyone as bad as he had with me, I'm not sure if that's true or not. By the end I started to hear more about his past issues with his past girlfriends and yelling at each other sometimes etc. He grew up in an abusive home when he was young, his Dad was abusive to his Mom and he saw this when he was very young. I think that what made our relationship harder on him maybe, was that I didn't go along with the yelling back. I think the other girlfriends that would yell back and call him names back etc, made him feel like what he did was normal. I admit I stuck up for myself at times, when his specific behavior wasn't fair but I never behaved like he did ever.

I'm thinking that he might of denied behaving like he did with me with anyone else, but maybe there was truth to what he said because before me he might of always had a "boxing opponent," and I stayed on the sidelines and he only heard from me from the sidelines when he was out of line at times!

[schwing]

Hi Findingmysong723

I think most of us were tested all the time during our relationship, sometimes not even knowing that they were doing it. However, did any of your Exes tell you that they were testing you?

I think that if you have a disorder which causes you to often imagine your loved one is going to abandon you, it would be a reasonable behavior to "test" your loved one whenever you needed.  In the mind of the disordered person, the "test" is a fleeting attempt to counter to growing disordered belief that your loved one is going to abandon you.  Sure, once they pass the test, you have your evidence that your feelings are unfounded.  But that doesn't really get to the bottom of why you have these disordered feelings in the first place.  In the end, you don't want to believe your feelings are unfounded because that would mean you have a mental problem and not that your loved one is a untrustworthy person -- then again some people's level of denial are greater (or less) than other's.

My Ex Boyfriend told me close to the end of our relationship that after he had been treating me badly that he was testing me. He told me that his behavior was bad but me letting him do it was even worse. Yes, I am upset that I let him behave that way around me but it still doesn't make it any less wrong on his part!

As I see it, he's putting you in another catch-22 (un-winable) situation.  He tests you and you put up with it and pass his test: you shouldn't have put up with the test.  He tests you and you refuse to take his test: you see, he was right in the first place, you never wanted to be with him, you always planned on abandoning him.

Either way, he's not the one with the problem, you are... .  in his mind.

I also remember him saying that he never treated anyone as bad as he had with me, I'm not sure if that's true or not.

It is difficult to test the recollection abilities of people with BPD who can not regulate their own emotions because when they are in the throes of one emotion, they cannot recall ever having other emotions towards you.  When they love you, they can't ever recall (or imagine) hating you.  And when they hate you, they can't imagine ever loving you.

He's never treated anyone as badly as he has treated you, until he denies he's never treated you badly ever.  Or until he treats someone else worse.  His emotional state at that time, blinds him to his past.  He just sees what's right in front of him (with respect to emotional states).

By the end I started to hear more about his past issues with his past girlfriends and yelling at each other sometimes etc. He grew up in an abusive home when he was young, his Dad was abusive to his Mom and he saw this when he was very young. I think that what made our relationship harder on him maybe, was that I didn't go along with the yelling back.

I think relationships where people are "yelling" at each other by definition, makes it "harder" in general.

What are you suggesting?  That in order to make him feel more at home, you put up with (or instigate) abusive behavior?  Just like when he was young?  As an adult, it is his prerogative to come to terms with his childhood.  Or else he will be motivated to recreate (subconsciously) the kind of family life that he finds most familiar (familial).

If he wants to form a relationship different from the kind he's familiar with in his past, then he will have to do what is hard for him.

I think the other girlfriends that would yell back and call him names back etc, made him feel like what he did was normal. I admit I stuck up for myself at times, when his specific behavior wasn't fair but I never behaved like he did ever.

That's awfully convenient for him.  If it makes him feel "normal" when his other girlfriends yell back and call him names, then what motive does he have to address *why* they are yelling at him and calling him names in the first place?  Seems like it would give him the motivation to continue to behave in a manner which induces his girlfriends to yell at him and call him names.

I'm thinking that he might of denied behaving like he did with me with anyone else, but maybe there was truth to what he said because before me he might of always had a "boxing opponent," and I stayed on the sidelines and he only heard from me from the sidelines when he was out of line at times!

This may be the case.  Then it would be up to you to decide for yourself if this is the kind of relationship you would choose for yourself.

Best wishes, Schwing

[lhd981]

My BPD exgf constantly tested me. Constantly. Everything was a catch 22 of sorts.

A classic example:

Me: "I miss you and I'd really like to see you tonight."

Her (stressed): "I have a lot of work to do, then I have errands to run. I'd just be too stressed with you here and wouldn't get my errands done."

Me: "Well, alright. If anything changes, please let me know and I'll be up at a moment's notice"  (Yes, I'm a quintessential CD/people pleaser - this was a 60 mile drive)

Her (much later, still stressed): "I'm finishing work, finally. Not going to run errands tonight after all, but going to go to the library instead to do some research on my final grad school project."

Me: "Awww, I'm sorry! Sounds like you've had a long day and it's only going to get longer at the library. If I can do anything for you, let me know, otherwise I hope you have a productive night of research. I love you "

Her (later, very upset): "You said you'd come up if I wasn't running errands, and now that I told you I'm not, you're contradicting yourself. Just tell me that you don't want to se me."

Me (confused): "WHAT?"

... .  and it only got uglier than that.

[Findingmysong723]

Thanks for the insightful comments Schwing, much appreciated!


(What are you suggesting?  That in order to make him feel more at home, you put up with (or instigate) abusive behavior?  )

To answer your question, no I didn't put up with it because I was trying to make him feel more comfortable. Unfortunately, my self esteem became so low, that I put up with things I shouldn't have! I just think that maybe one of the reasons my Ex boyfriend felt that he treated me worse than past girlfriends is because I didn't go along with the fighting and yelling Since in his past dysfunction relationships they seemed to willingly participate in the dysfunction.  I admit ignoring it or not sticking up for myself enough, wasn't healthy either but I feel him seeing himself out of control and being calm might of freaked him out?

He is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, which is another reason for his impulsivity, anger, not being to deal with stress. I started dating him after 6 months in recovery, he had relapsed. He was going to AA and was talking to someone when we first met, and I thought he was working on himself, but he stopped after a few months. The only time he went back to therapy was after we broke up the first time, I hope he is going now so maybe he can get some help and continue working on himself! Also one of his past relationships they were both doing drugs, so of course that was part of why it was so unhealthy. His relationship after that and before me, was with someone who he describes as being very cold. Then I came along, someone who never did any drugs or didn't drink and he told me after we broke up that I was the nicest and most caring. His first relationship before all of us, was his longest and maybe the only time he felt like he might of been in love, however I found out later they broke up many times. He told that he wanted to fall in love with me so badly but hadn't, of course that hurt a lot. However, I don't think he knows what real love is so maybe I should be happy he doesn't feel it for me because it would definitely be unhealthy. Although, in the idealization time, he said he was falling for me, but that of course is different.

My Ex didn't like quiet  for too long, he also had really bad anxiety. He enjoyed chaos, I remember he got all excited when he heard some neighbors fighting or arguing with each other, smiling like a little kid. One time he wanted us to pretend we were fighting or something, so the neighbors could hear, I played a long by pretending to yell at him a little but was like "what?" when it was over. He used to always say that he always dated "bhites," my friend who's a high school psychologist said that it's his way of never having to have real intimacy. It makes sense to me. He sent me an email telling me how he was sad that he finally had a nice, sweet girlfriend but who had such trouble with communication. I admit I've always had issues with communicating, but it was really hard to get better with someone who was always pulling the rug right out from under me. I do need to work on getting better, that is true! I remember my Ex also saying that, I was a "good girl," I didn't drink or do drugs, something that he needed. Of course that makes me feel  like it wasn't me it was just what I represented... .  whatever. We aren't together now, he wanted to continue to be friends, but I told him it didn't work last time. We had stayed friends after we broke up after 5 months, then stayed "friends" but it was just a slow progression back to being together. We got back together for 8 months, but the four months we were apart were more than friends. So, when he said he wanted to stay friends and how we should go out that Friday to dinner, I said no. Round and round we go, not this time, can't take the ride anymore!

Wow, this got a lot longer than I thought it would. By the way, I've read many comments from you Shwing to others and they are very well written, helpful and very much appreciated!

[Findingmysong723]

This is what I meant to type.

I admit ignoring it or not sticking up for myself enough, wasn't healthy either but I feel him seeing himself out of control and me being calm might of freaked him out?

Also, I'm even more sure it bothered him, because he had some much anger and he wanted me to be angry with him. For example, he got upset when I didn't get upset like he did when one of his pets got sick. I didn't see the reason for me to get angry too, especially since I had time to clean it up because I didn't have work that day or was working later in the day. Yes, I understand he was frustrated because he was trying to get to work, but I told him I would finish cleaning it up, so he didn't have to get so upset and just go to work. He texted me later that he got upset because he wanted me react or something, I think for him showing you "care," must be done with some big reaction. Funny thing is he seems to like how patient I am with him etc, but then it seemed to bother him well I am patient with other things! Oh well, that's not what kind of person I am.

[Findingmysong723]

when I am patient with other things... .  man I keep spelling things wrong.

[schwing]

I admit ignoring it or not sticking up for myself enough, wasn't healthy either but I feel him seeing himself out of control and me being calm might of freaked him out?

This makes sense to me.  My understanding of pwBPD, is sometimes they get a "pay-off" when they see (or provoke) their loved ones act out: it's a bit like projection.  For example, they are raging and would be upset later that they acted out in anger, but if they can provoke us into being angry, then they can "project" that behavior (which may later cause them shame) onto us.  Now we are the one who is too angry or acting out in rage.

He texted me later that he got upset because he wanted me react or something, I think for him showing you "care," must be done with some big reaction. Funny thing is he seems to like how patient I am with him etc, but then it seemed to bother him well I am patient with other things!

I don't think he can have it both ways.  He either appreciates the way you are or else he cannot.  He cannot have you behaving one way in one context and behaving another way in another context.  Unless that is what he expects (perhaps of himself?).

Oh well, that's not what kind of person I am.

You be the person you are.  And I hope you can choose to be around people who can appreciate that.

He is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, which is another reason for his impulsivity, anger, not being to deal with stress. I started dating him after 6 months in recovery, he had relapsed. He was going to AA and was talking to someone when we first met, and I thought he was working on himself, but he stopped after a few months.

That's rough.  Seems like he has multiple things to recover from.

However, I don't think he knows what real love is so maybe I should be happy he doesn't feel it for me because it would definitely be unhealthy. Although, in the idealization time, he said he was falling for me, but that of course is different.

It is different.  I think you should stick to your notion of what love means to you and only engage with those who have similar or compatible notions.

He enjoyed chaos, I remember he got all excited when he heard some neighbors fighting or arguing with each other, smiling like a little kid.

Again, I think this is a kind of dissociation.  Like if we see other people miserable, then we can convince ourselves that we feel a little less miserable.  Not a great personal characteristic, but a common one.

[Findingmysong723]

Thanks for all the feedback Schwing!

Yea, I agree, finding someone who's idea of love is compatible to mine is the thing that will make me the happiest!

I did love him and will probably always love him, I admit that it wasn't always a healthy love but the love that came from me overall was from a healthy place, something that I meant wholeheartedly, I was there to be of support, best friend and to be his partner. I admit that I went into a relationship that even with or without an emotional disorder, it would of been very hard! I guess I jumped right in to dealing with someone who was recovering from alcohol, drugs and an abusive childhood.I admit I might of left  in the future if it ended up being too hard, but I would of did my best to work on our relationship as long as I could. However, I couldn't do it alone. My Ex Boyfriend wrote me a letter once, which he talked about things he needed help with in the relationship from me, but overall it was about stuff he knew that he had issues with and knew that it was making our relationship harder. He even admitted that he was taking his own issues out on me sometimes, he didn't say projecting but he admitted to it all the same. That is the last time I really thought he was trying to help us, and really meant it. I might be wrong about that, but to me it sounded like he was telling the truth, and I hope he was! I saw him doing some of the things he wanted to work on but then he didn't continue to do the most important things. Then everything was my fault, even when he apologized, he would say it was my fault though. He just withdrew from me, affection etc, he was gone before he really left. I just held on for too long!  He is a self saboteur, because he doesn't love or respect himself enough.  

I do know that I loved him and I supported him, and I was a good girlfriend so can look back and say that I  did the best that I could with someone who's issues wouldn't allow us to really be together in an intimate way and definitely not for the long hall! Very sad indeed, because I believe he's a good person, he's a scared child in an adult body, that can't get past his issues unless he gets real therapy! I wish he had grown up in a loving home, with a father who wasn't an alcoholic and made his childhood fearful and left scars on him and the rest of his family! Unfortunately, there is no magic wand, so just have to move on and meet someone who knows how to love someone in a healthy way!

[Findingmysong723]

lhd981,

Yea, testing really stinks, and isn't something you do to someone your supposed to love or care about! I'm thinking that in our next relationships we won't have to deal with that and it'll be such a relief!