Are folks with BPD able to hide it from most people?

[elusivebpd]

Are folks with BPD able to hide it from a lot of people?

I ask because it seems that a potential BPD girl I know is able to carry on long-term friendships and not let these people and acquaintances or colleagues see a certain side of her.

Her friends have said that she is "bossy" and can be manipulative though. She does not talk about past relationships with guys much at all. She has always broken up with the guy and it's always just that they did not get along.

Any insights?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[anuoldman]

Having been married to someone with BPD and known two others, my opinion would be that they are usually very successful at maintaining a idealistic face to the outside world while cycling between abuse and idealism in their close family / mates.  There's a lot more going on of course, but that's the basic theme.

What you describe seems to me to be far short of being able to say she is BPD.  One thing that stands out to me is that people with BPD tend to be terrible mates, but select nurturing people who are unlikely to impulsively end the relationship.  The BPD person wants to avoid abandonment so they will turn on the extreme love very effectively to keep their mates from leaving.   As such, at least with the BPD people I've been exposed to, they don't tend to cycle through relationships a lot as you describe.  They get a nice, responsible, nurturing mate... .  and alternate the love and abuse forever.

Just my experience.

[MockingbirdHL]

My dBPDh is very good at hiding it from other people.  Actually I don't think he even has to hide it, I don't believe it is triggered by anyone but me, or the person he is most close to at that given time.  I know hsi D13 has never seen it, but she is only with us a day a week.  His parents have seen glimpses, and although not a lot of the behavior, they do acknowledge and agree with my assessment of a lot of his issues and thinking patterns and what not.

He doesn't really have friends ... .  he has acquaintances, he has friends through me (but we only see when I am seeing my friend and he is there and her husband is there), he has FB friends who he can chat with, but there is no intimacy or emotional involvement there.

In the 13 years since his first wife, I believe there were two short-term girlfriends and me (we have been together 3 years).  His parents doubt the existence of the two girlfriends.  I have seen photos of both, but know little about his relationship with either except that he decided each was not the right one for him and simply stopped calling.  When he told me this very early into the relationship he said "after a while they stop trying to call back too."     But I guess I was swept up in the idealization phase; they weren't right for him, but I was so he would never do that to me ... .   

[BlushAndBashful]

My ex was well liked in our community, at his job, at church, etc. He's known as having the patience of a saint and stable as a rock. (Yes, you can laugh).  Even one of his closest friends who has known him for 15 years said he was quite the catch- in fact, she was the one to set us up on our first date and pushed us to get together.  Also, (not trying to stir up issues), I was honestly surprised to come here and find out that so many people with BPD parents had horrible childhoods and ongoing problems- my ex has very strong bonds with all his children and they even prefer him to their mother.

Every now and then, I will see just a slight hint that people know he's a bit "off", but they think it's just more of a personality quirk. They will say things like "It's a bit strange, he's all about wanting to date a woman, but then once he has her, he just loses interest" or "He gets a bit bristly at work- if someone irritates him, he gets a bit snarly to them."

I do have to add, since he probably isolates every single love interest, all they do is hear his side of the story. Poor baby has such a difficult time and only seems to attract crazy women who make his life Hell.   If only he could meet a decent, stable woman who is worthy of the prize that he is... .  

[Cumulus]

I think it really depends on the pwBPD and their comorbidities, alcohol or drug use, other psychiatric issues, and their intelligence, education and professional levels. I think we as a society are much more likely to excuse odd behaviour in the pharmacist at our drug store then we might the person picking up our garbage. I think this is a really good question, one I have struggled to answer in my own case. I didn't realize there was something so terribly wrong with him. I thought he was eccentric at times and had poor social skills, (and I could fix that!). I also was used to give him an appearance of acceptability. I do think he is having a harder time maintaining normalcy since we split, but that is just my own biased and now very educated opinion.

[nonidentifyingname]

My BPDbf is scary good at hiding it from everybody except me and his mom. He is the nicest, quietest, shyest person in front of everybody else. Except, of course, when he wants something. Then the manipulative side comes out and he can pretend to be way more confident and whatnot than he actually is, but the BPD is still definitely well hidden. He's had multiple girlfriends/partners in the past and none of them had a clue about the BPD.

[Vivgood]

Well, since BPD is a disorder of attachment and emotional regulation, it makes sense that the sxs are seen most clearly in the context of an intimate relationship. Someone who is "high-functioning" may be someone who has a responsible career, supports themselves, has friends ("friends", and does not overtly self-harm... .  but has extreme difficulty functioning well within a very close relationship. Which may mean FOO and/or romantic partners, children. People like this, I think, may also be self-harming via covert mechanisms that are not as obvious as cutting, such as a sub-clinical addiction, gambling, chronic promiscuity, or chronic financial woes... .  or compulsive cosmetic surgery! the better you know someone with BPD, the more hinky things come up, even if you personally never experience the rage or despair, but they are VERY good at maintaining a facade, as that is how they survive. IMO

vivgood

[Undone123]

My high functioning ex is able mask it from pretty much everyone except those she is in a relationship with! And from what I gather although her exes new "things weren't right" and have said things like "you can't go on like this", I'm the only one who has actually reflected on our relationship, her traits etc. and found this... .  

Due to her amazing projection skills, and ability to distort truths very subtly, her own mother, although recognises she "could do with some therapy", doesn't understand the severity. Her mother enables her, by validating her smear campaigns of those she is with... .  and says things like "you just haven't met the right one yet" or just gets full on recruited!

[GreenMango]

The disorder or traits are usually tied to intimate relationships or when a level of intimacy is gained.  

Is the gas station cashier going to see it? Probably not.

Same probably goes for passing acquaintances.

Look at the other close relationships the person has.  :)o they have stability?  Or is there chronic conflict cycles? Mood and perception towards others fluctuating between good and bad - little consistent middle ground?

[Iced]

My last encounter with a pwBPD (clinically diagnosed) showed a very stable pattern of instability within close general interpersonal relationships... .  something they at first took great care to hide from me when I first got to know them.

The whole, 'I am a Victim, They are my Rescuer, They have stepped on my Trigger and now they are a Horrible Persecutor, Now I am a Victim Again, Now I need a New Rescuer Again... .  ' cycle was repeated over and over and over and over with my former friend.

When I first got to know them, though I knew there was some instability in relation to attachment issues, it was not nearly 'as bad' as what I eventually witnessed happening.

Once I had been friends with them for a while, I started hearing it - the 'They/He/She hurt me so badly in ABC and XYZ way and now I hate them so much!' laments.

The fact that I never really knew some of these people (and hated gossip and drama besides) put a veil between actual reality and what I was being told was reality by my former fwBPD.  According to my fwBPD, all the people who hurt them had done some really bad things and so of course, upon simply hearing these things (most of which I later learned was UNtrue), I tended to be sympathetic to the hurt and validating.

Later as my friend and I grew to have our own conflicts, little did I know that though they expressed little anger or even any sense of conflict towards me, behind my back, they were doing the whole, 'They hurt me so badly in ABC and XYZ way and now I hate them so much, HELP ME!' thing at our mutual friends.

Word eventually got around to me - people who knew me better went What the heck - and it was during this time that we finally learned that our friend had been doing this sort of thing a LOT.

'Best friends' cycled in and out of their life on a monthly basis and they 'fell in love' with this, that, and the other thing at around the same pace.  We knew each other for a few years; that's... .  a lot of 'very important people' who were cycled in and out of their life.

But being that they spread out these bits of knowledge to all different people (telling different people about different 'best friend breakups' and sharing with each person a different piece of drama and when angry, triangulating between their friends to try and get a friend on their side to side against the one whom they were angry with), nobody knew any better... .  until the end when we came together and shared our stories together.

Smart, charming, capable.

And very very manipulative and smart... .  in the wrong ways.

They were able to divide us all up by keeping each of us separate in the dark in regards to certain classic BPD behaviors and I am sure that if we hadn't touched bases in the end, we never would have realized and learned the Truth to all of our former friend's behaviors.

Yes, BPD behaviors can go unnoticed - especially if the pwBPD is doing their best to hide them.

[MaybeSo]

In some ways, a high functioning pwBPD traits describes current western culture and values.

Almost everyone I know has had some attachment issues (divorce, multiple relationships) but does well in work and friendships.

Including me!

Hmmm... .  

[Vivgood]

In some ways, a high functioning pwBPD traits describes current western culture and values.

Almost everyone I know has had some attachment issues (divorce, multiple relationships) but does well in work and friendships.

Veeeery interesting point! I think I agree. Shallowness is preferred in our society, in many ways, depth or intensity is devalued: better to have 26, 000 FB "friends" than 1 close true friend.

Interesting especially to me as someone on the autism spectrum. As an aspy, I do fine at work (highly technical), and have a wonderful marriage and relationship with my daughter... .  but the lighter social relationships leave me puzzled. My FOO relationships are pretty poor, but  that's mostly because aspy's have a hard time walking on eggshells.


vivgood

[Wanda]

HEllo.

My husband is high functioning  Has had long time emplyments , we have been married 15 years he is pretty stable ,and he doesn't act out to where anyone would notice it, you have to really noticed the signs to pick it up... .  Someone who doesn't really notice or know about BPD wouldn't think of him having an issue of any sorts... .  I had to be told that he could have a personality disorder, and i had to really pay attention to the signs before i even figured things out. and the   went on

/the Higher functioning i beleive the better they can hide any problem.

[Undone123]

HEllo.

My husband is high functioning  Has had long time emplyments , we have been married 15 years he is pretty stable ,and he doesn't act out to where anyone would notice it, you have to really noticed the signs to pick it up... .  Someone who doesn't really notice or know about BPD wouldn't think of him having an issue of any sorts... .  I had to be told that he could have a personality disorder, and i had to really pay attention to the signs before i even figured things out. and the   went on

/the Higher functioning i beleive the better they can hide any problem.

My BPD ex is exactly the same. Really driven, and successful. Her projection and manipulation skills are outstanding... . She is a really amazing person, but this is hidden from everyone except those she has been in a relationship with. And then, she admits, she normally goes for loosers who are punching above their weight, so they stick around, and are normally too dense to pick it up... . Unfortunately she went against the grain with me, her and I are of equal intelligence, drive and success (if you want to call it that), and after the split I had the light bulb too!

She is soo good, she has been able to twist it round so I look like I'm crazy!

[Chosen]

My uBPDh hides extremely well.  So much so that he could be blaming and shaming me with words via text and at the same time sending texts to somebody from church, helping them out with certain issues.  I don't think anybody else sense that he has any problem (aside from less than 5 people I know that know this situation, who would not suspect if I had kept silent), although his close family may think he is "difficult" sometimes... . but that's it.

I suppose nobody would believe the sort of things he is capable of saying/ doing to me.

[empathic]

My uBPDw is very good at hiding it - I've heard from some acquantancies "you are so lucky to have such a _wonderful_ wife". It's only at home (or on vacation with me) that her BPD side surfaces. She can be in a really grumpy mood at home, then she'll get a phone call from a friend and be all cheerful.

She doesn't let any friends get _too_ close, she has a handful that she meets once in a while, sometimes up to a year since they last met. And she has a lot of acquantancies. She will tell me if she thinks one of her friends has done something wrong, but she will not tell the friend.

When we shopped for a house several years ago the most important feature according to her was for it to have a guest room, in case one of her friends wanted to stay over. Ironically, the guest room is now my bedroom... .

[Chosen]

It is sad that most people around them never get the idea who they can be... . our pwBPDs are in equal parts good people that the others see and the irrational, raging creature we face. 

Sometimes I wish H would lose control and act out on me in front of his family or my family... . so at least people KNOW! 

[nomoremommyfood]

I was really surprised to read these responses; looks like I'm the first person with a low functioning partner. People don't necessarily know the illness is BPD but it's clear there's something wrong with him, displayed by public outbursts, pathological gambling, disability checks, talking about suicide constantly, etc. He doesn't really make any attempts to hide it and actually sort of revels being such a strange character. Of course, the acquaintances get "quirky unemployed gambling addict" and those closest get "depressed raging maniac."

[Rocknut]

100% my BPD boyfriend only raged, acted out BEHIND closed doors.

His parents and I were the only ones to see this behavior. I told people the way my ex was acting. Then he told them I was crazy... . I actually appeared crazy for a while trying to get help... .

However... . I don't care how high functioning they are, they will eventually break. My ex recently lost his job after having a massive rage outburst at work. He cursed his boss and stormed out. My ex told me he did this at a job he had last year. The face will eventually break.

[Wahg]

After moving in with our mother, my only sibling subjected me and our mother to a living hell for over five years. To the causal observer and to people who would not spend much time with her and/or only had 'low-impact' contact, she came across as completely normal, rational, friendly, reasonable, smart, charming, etc.  A Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. 
It was awful becasue my lmother and i were the only ones subjected to the outrageous behaviors, and, because we became freighted, we cow-towed and towed the line, and said nothing to anyone else.
I am still experiencing severe metal health problems a year after severing all contact,  in the form of major depression, anxiety disorder and even PTSD, due to the way I was treated.