Stuck

[real lady]

This is a vent and I preface it with: I love this man, I have been deeply hurt by this man to great shame, I am living with this man and doing all that I can and even taking care of myself and it is not helping him at all. Daily I face his anger. Daily I face how it is affecting my health. Blood pressure and atrial fib is a problem. I need to keep stress low.

I was in the undecided and then moved to the leaving boards but I am no longer fooling myself... .  I would love to leave... .    :'( ... .  I have no means to do so... . he has tried to throw me out several times, today was a new level of totally dysregulated behavior, full blown denial, black and white extreme thinking and catastrophizing my behavior to justify his anger. I understand his pain, but it seems that there is nothing that I can do to avoid his dysregulation, his BPD thinking and his anger, always directed at me for the most petty things that you can imagine. We can't even talk about the news without me giving a simple, "I heard you, you are right" sort of answer. ANY and I mean any thought of mine, that adds to but not even contrary to his, is blamed for being interrupting and disrespecting him and manipulating and abusing him. I am not kidding.

He says that he is "done". I have loved this man, take care of him, his pets and every little thing that the sees to blame upon me is "example" of how bad I am to him. I am painted so black that I don't think that he will ever see me in the light of day again. He sleeps during the day while I try to keep two birds, a cat (which is the least of them all) and two large breed puppies quiet... .  when he doesn't get his sleep, someone is in the dog house.

Any thing I do, is usually wrong in his eyes. He asked me why I was crying one day and when I said that he was on his way to bed and it wasn't a good time to answer that question, he said that "we can talk about it when I get up" and when he got up, he started on saying "what an attitude that I had that I did not follow up with talking about it. He put me on the defensive and that tells me that he does not want to try to care for me. Why I was crying and hurting was not as important as his evading his own pain. Trumped. Something is always more important to a person with BPD than us. I apologized for assuming that he would follow up with it, asked him if he expected me to ask him and told him that I needed for him to initiate the conversation so it did not seem like I was badgering him.

I have been working on myself and trying to get things together to leave. I am totally unsupported in many ways and feel so overwhelmed with betrayal, broken promises and accusations and his daily "dysregulation" that I am totally shutting down to him. I sit and cry. I have only one outlet and that is counseling, once a week. I sing two nights a week and have time with my son and the puppies but there is no (good) relationship between my uBPDso and me... .  He called be a B**** on mother's day, no dinner, no special help to son to make a nice day for me and then he said "well, I was trying to make it a nice mother's day for you UNTIL YOU... .  " then accusation.

I am done. I am stuck. Thankfully, I am not into self-harm or injurying others but I don't know what to do or where to turn next. He will not go to counseling now, so deep in denial that I am the one who must leave. He is ready to take me and my son to the "homeless" shelter... .  I told him that if we leave that he himself, his pets, all household duties would have to be done by him. I will not argue with him... .  if he throws us out on the street today... .  we will have to celebrate my son's birthday from an homeless shelter.

Any words would be greatly appreciated... .  at this point, I have detached greatly and just trying to survive each day. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[arabella]

This is such a heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry you feel stuck in this awful r/s!

I understand that you have no means to leave. I take it that he controls all of the finances? I don't know where you are located but are there no laws in place that you can leverage for support (i.e. to get emergency support payments)? I'm sure you must have been over all of this on the other boards, I'm sorry I'm not more familiar with your story. I guess I just want to believe, for your sake, that there is a way out!

Of course, if you can't leave right now, then we'll do all we can to help you cope with staying. Is there anything you can think of that might help you right now?

[almost789]

Hi Real Lady,

Sorry you are in this position and having to having to deal with this. As you probably know BPD people almost always take their frustrations out on the people closest to them and most times unjustifiably. They don't like their feelings, they don't like to deal with them so they throw them out onto others as an immature coping mechanism. There's not a whole lot you can do to stop this short from following the recommended tools to make it easier for you to cope. Get away as often as you can. Utilize mindfulness technique, im learning it myself and I've heard from MANY it helps alot! Also, make a workable plan to get out if thats what you want, whatever plan that may be.

[real lady]

This is such a heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry you feel stuck in this awful r/s!  

thank you arabella... .  it is awful.

I understand that you have no means to leave. I take it that he controls all of the finances?

I gave up job, insurance, security and self-support means, car and totally relied upon him when I moved in, with promise of marriage, two years ago... .  nothing. He owns his own, this is my place of residence but I understand that according to the state that I do not have to live here, can leave any time and really have no recourse to all his promises short of filing domestic violence charges if he would, and I neither want him to nor want to file charges against him for physical abuse. I would say that throwing me onto the street, kicking and screaming would be cause for the police to come and see but I am afraid of that, for so many reasons.

I don't know where you are located but are there no laws in place that you can leverage for support (i.e. to get emergency support payments)? I'm sure you must have been over all of this on the other boards, I'm sorry I'm not more familiar with your story. I guess I just want to believe, for your sake, that there is a way out!

I didn't expect to have to find a "way out" when I moved in with him. It has been a BPD nightmare for over a year and a half. He says he is miserable all the time, he seems to be having too much fun on his computer game, addicted, 14 hours or more each day, every day to convince me that he doesn't have "some" fun, he is certainly not spending time with me and I am not asking for time from him.

Of course, if you can't leave right now, then we'll do all we can to help you cope with staying. Is there anything you can think of that might help you right now?

Keep myself from losing my mind by believing his blaming on me for the pettiest of things and being called "evil" and a "b****" for... .  are you ready? interrupting him... .  for interjecting a thought of my own, about any little fn thing. no kidding. Taking care of myself, our pets, house, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and treating myself when I run errands for him by buying myself something: soap, lipstick, stuffed grape leaves, etc... .  something JUST for me.    Thanks for asking, suggestions are welcome.

[real lady]

Hi Real Lady,

Sorry you are in this position and having to having to deal with this. As you probably know BPD people almost always take their frustrations out on the people closest to them and most times unjustifiably. They don't like their feelings, they don't like to deal with them so they throw them out onto others as an immature coping mechanism.

It has helped me to understand his pain. I feel for him, really. I wish he were mentally healthy and I realize that he is only doing what he knows to do to try to not be in constant pain... .  my mere presence is painful to him.

There's not a whole lot you can do to stop this short from following the recommended tools to make it easier for you to cope.

I am  working on myself and trying to follow "how to" communicate with him. It is just so tiring.

Get away as often as you can. Utilize mindfulness technique, im learning it myself and I've heard from MANY it helps alot! Also, make a workable plan to get out if thats what you want, whatever plan that may be.

I have learned alot about mindfulness to the point that I can clearly see that he is not 'in the moment' with me. Focusing on some gardening and talking about doing some "work in the house" that has been needing it for a very long time. He will not help. Broken toilet and kitchen sink sprayer... .  moving things out of the living and dining rooms so I can redecorate. He has "talked a good talk" to get me here and now I have to live with the broken promises, daily and it hurts... .  just plain hurts.

[WillSurvive420]

look into a CODA meeting. keep posting on these boards... .  excercise, eat well. Do things that made you happy as a kid.(this has been a big help to me in being comfortable with being alone, not an easy thing to do as a human let alone a codependent.) Maybe, your not codependent, but you might not be? Worth looking into for your "personal inventory" phase. you deserve better than to have your buttons pushed and to be walking on eggshells. Try to treat yourself with something each day even if its something small like buying a DVD, or a piece of cheesecake... .