Writing a letter to vent

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Earlier tonight I listened to a recording I had made for him a couple of weeks before he left the country.  It was a cover of one of my favorite songs, and I made it just for him because he had found out I liked to sing and he wanted to hear me.  It was the first time I ever let any guy or romantic partner of mine hear me singing.  After I sent it to him, he listened to it and responded by saying "It brought tears to my eyes.  You sound great and the lyrics fit us perfectly."  Tonight, that song brought tears to my eyes.  I don't miss him.  I miss who I thought he was

"Lately I've been wanting to reach out to him and, to put it mildly, curse him out.  I've been wanting to tell him just how much damage he has done to my life, but I know it wouldn't do any good.  I'm not willing to break this period of no contact either.  I'm proud of myself for making it this far and I don't want to ruin that.  Anyway, I figured if I let it all out here, I'll feel better.  Here it goes.

I've always been pretty open with you about the things you do/say, and the negative effects that they have on me.  I told you and you wrote me off as "too sensitive," and said that I was trying to change you.  Maybe I was trying to change you, but I only wanted to help you become a better person because the way you treated me was not okay.  It got to the point where I couldn't say certain things because you'd get upset or you'd make me feel bad about it.  I couldn't mention you drinking because you'd snap.  In retrospect, that should've been my first red flag.  That day I asked you "no bar hopping tonight?"  You told me "If you mention drinking one more time, I'm going to fhit__g snap."  You texted me that and I was scared of you, so I can't imagine how it would've been if we had more face-to-face interaction.  I wish I could go back to that night and tell myself to run for the hills.

With you, I could feel myself slowly becoming depressed.  I remember the first time I skipped class.  We had argued the night before because I wouldn't send you those pictures.  I had no motivation, hadn't done my homework, and I couldn’t bring myself to go to school.  I sat up and tried to force myself out of bed, but to no avail.  That was the start of a terrible habit. 

Then there's the last day we talked.  I was on my way to class when you began spewing hateful words…saying anything you could think of to hurt me.  I was almost at my classroom door when I burst into tears.  "I can't go in there.  I can't be around people.  Not like this."  I couldn't believe the things you were saying, and to be honest I still can't today.  Telling me that I'm going to "face your wrath" and "see how you can really be when you're mad" was too much for me to handle.  You were downright evil. 

Telling me I look fat or that you don't like my hair, that was just downright rude and hurtful, especially since you knew how I felt about my weight and hair.  Telling me that you didn't like my "random stories," or that you were embarrassed by the way I looked the first time we went somewhere together, it was just mean.  You even said that if I ever got pregnant, you'd drag me to the gym after I had the baby because you didn't want me to get fat.  You admitted that you're shallow.  How could you be so awful?  How would you like it if someone said those things to your mother or your sister?  Sometimes I think your father did say those types of things to your mother.  Maybe that's why you treat women the way you do.  I don't know, and I never will. 

During the last couple of times that we talked, I really wanted to Skype so you could see my face or hear my voice.  I thought if we did, you'd see how much I was suffering, and I could get through to you.  I noticed that you cannot handle the effects that your actions have on me.  You hated to see me cry.  You said it "made you feel like a bad person."  Sometimes I think that's why you reacted the way you did when I told you we couldn't talk anymore and that you needed help.  I tried to force you to face issues that you weren't ready to address.

I see that you’ve mentioned being with someone else, or at least dating someone new.  You met her when you were drunk.  It figures.  I still wonder if you've thought about me.  I still wonder if you care.  I can't wait until the day I can wake up and not think about you.  I can't wait until I can stop caring like you did.  Sometimes I ask God to give me the chance to talk to you, so I can finally stand up for myself the way I should have before.  I wish that you would text or e-mail me, and tell me that you miss me or you were wondering how I'm doing, just so I can tell you that you're an abuser and I don't want you in my life anymore.  I don't think I'll ever get that chance though."

I started writing this last night and fell asleep, and then I finished it this morning.  Unfortunately this morning I woke up and looked at his sites again.  Apparently his new "girlfriend" cooked for him and he thought it was very sweet.  My heart hurts a little but I am going to try my best not to let it bring me down.  I always do that to myself.  I snoop and when I find something, I get upset.  I think deep down, it hurts to know that he isn't miserable, or that he hasn't realized what he missed out on.

[Sango216]

Earlier tonight I listened to a recording I had made for him a couple of weeks before he left the country.  It was a cover of one of my favorite songs, and I made it just for him because he had found out I liked to sing and he wanted to hear me.  It was the first time I ever let any guy or romantic partner of mine hear me singing.  After I sent it to him, he listened to it and responded by saying "It brought tears to my eyes.  You sound great and the lyrics fit us perfectly."  Tonight, that song brought tears to my eyes.  I don't miss him.  I miss who I thought he was

"Lately I've been wanting to reach out to him and, to put it mildly, curse him out.  I've been wanting to tell him just how much damage he has done to my life, but I know it wouldn't do any good.  I'm not willing to break this period of no contact either.  I'm proud of myself for making it this far and I don't want to ruin that.  Anyway, I figured if I let it all out here, I'll feel better.  Here it goes.

I've always been pretty open with you about the things you do/say, and the negative effects that they have on me.  I told you and you wrote me off as "too sensitive," and said that I was trying to change you.  Maybe I was trying to change you, but I only wanted to help you become a better person because the way you treated me was not okay.  It got to the point where I couldn't say certain things because you'd get upset or you'd make me feel bad about it.  I couldn't mention you drinking because you'd snap.  In retrospect, that should've been my first red flag.  That day I asked you "no bar hopping tonight?"  You told me "If you mention drinking one more time, I'm going to fhit__g snap."  You texted me that and I was scared of you, so I can't imagine how it would've been if we had more face-to-face interaction.  I wish I could go back to that night and tell myself to run for the hills.

With you, I could feel myself slowly becoming depressed.  I remember the first time I skipped class.  We had argued the night before because I wouldn't send you those pictures.  I had no motivation, hadn't done my homework, and I couldn’t bring myself to go to school.  I sat up and tried to force myself out of bed, but to no avail.  That was the start of a terrible habit. 

Then there's the last day we talked.  I was on my way to class when you began spewing hateful words…saying anything you could think of to hurt me.  I was almost at my classroom door when I burst into tears.  "I can't go in there.  I can't be around people.  Not like this."  I couldn't believe the things you were saying, and to be honest I still can't today.  Telling me that I'm going to "face your wrath" and "see how you can really be when you're mad" was too much for me to handle.  You were downright evil. 

Telling me I look fat or that you don't like my hair, that was just downright rude and hurtful, especially since you knew how I felt about my weight and hair.  Telling me that you didn't like my "random stories," or that you were embarrassed by the way I looked the first time we went somewhere together, it was just mean.  You even said that if I ever got pregnant, you'd drag me to the gym after I had the baby because you didn't want me to get fat.  You admitted that you're shallow.  How could you be so awful?  How would you like it if someone said those things to your mother or your sister?  Sometimes I think your father did say those types of things to your mother.  Maybe that's why you treat women the way you do.  I don't know, and I never will. 

During the last couple of times that we talked, I really wanted to Skype so you could see my face or hear my voice.  I thought if we did, you'd see how much I was suffering, and I could get through to you.  I noticed that you cannot handle the effects that your actions have on me.  You hated to see me cry.  You said it "made you feel like a bad person."  Sometimes I think that's why you reacted the way you did when I told you we couldn't talk anymore and that you needed help.  I tried to force you to face issues that you weren't ready to address.

I see that you’ve mentioned being with someone else, or at least dating someone new.  You met her when you were drunk.  It figures.  I still wonder if you've thought about me.  I still wonder if you care.  I can't wait until the day I can wake up and not think about you.  I can't wait until I can stop caring like you did.  Sometimes I ask God to give me the chance to talk to you, so I can finally stand up for myself the way I should have before.  I wish that you would text or e-mail me, and tell me that you miss me or you were wondering how I'm doing, just so I can tell you that you're an abuser and I don't want you in my life anymore.  I don't think I'll ever get that chance though."

I started writing this last night and fell asleep, and then I finished it this morning.  Unfortunately this morning I woke up and looked at his sites again.  Apparently his new "girlfriend" cooked for him and he thought it was very sweet.  My heart hurts a little but I am going to try my best not to let it bring me down.  I always do that to myself.  I snoop and when I find something, I get upset.  I think deep down, it hurts to know that he isn't miserable, or that he hasn't realized what he missed out on.

[Validation78]

Hi Sango!

Sorry you are feeling sad and going through the grieving process! The fact that you are though,  is positive. It means that you are moving, going through, and ultimately, will reach an end!

Do you think it serves you well to check up on him and to see what he is doing? You have control over what you do, and to do only things that help you in your healing. Allowing yourself to feel sad isn't a bad thing. I believe we should acknowledge what we feel. The thing is, it may not be a good thing for you to add to it by seeing what he's up to.

What do you think?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Sango216]

Hi Validation78!

Thank you.  No, I do not think it helps me at all.  If anything, it only exposes me to things that cause even more pain.  Knowing he's with another girl and that she's cooking for him, things are going well for him, etc. hurts me.  Even when we were together I would look because I knew he was being dishonest with me and would post things on girls' pictures that were disrespectful to me as his girlfriend. 

I need to stop.  The only time I was successful at it was the first time we officially broke up.  I went a week without looking and he popped up asking how I was doing.  I wish I could be that strong again.  I don't know why I care, or why I want to see what he's doing.  I want to stop hurting myself this way.

[Validation78]

It's totally normal to feel the way you do. Don't beat yourself up about it! Just make up your mind that you will do whatever it takes to stop doing to yourself what doesn't help to make you better.

It's discipline

It's determination

It's hard

It's healthy

When you feel like you want to check up on him, take yourself away from the computer. Call a friend, go for a walk, hug the dog. You know what I mean!

Let us know how you are doing, one day at a time friend!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Sango216]

Validation78,

Will do!  I know that if I did it before, I can do it again.  It'll take a lot of discipline, and I'll have to remind myself of how it feels whenever I see something like what I saw this morning.

[confetti]

sangoo

reading all your other posts (our stories being almost 100% alike only material differences) ... . this makes me want to write a letter too. i was really proud of you while i read that! but then, at the end... . what happened?

i want to share, that in my first stages of this i can say i caved in with that too.

it seems you know the consequences behind this, and maybe part of you wants to know so its easier to see the reason you shouldn't still be thinking about him.

you should try put making a fake email account and pretend its his, sending all of these letters and thoughts to it.

[Sango216]

Hi Confetti! 

I know, the ending was a little... .  yeah.  I woke up and he was on my mind, so I looked at his social networking site and saw what he had been up to.  I cried.  Then I did something I never do... .  I went and talked to my Dad.  I haven't mentioned it much up here but my relationship with my father is very strange.  He pretty much treated my mother the way my ex treated me, which caused me to harbor a lot of feelings of hatred towards him.  I often compared my ex to him and my ex hated it.  "I'm not your father.  Stop saying that!"  You know... .  Anyway, I could tell that my Dad was shocked.  He was unaware that I had been in a relationship, or that my boyfriend had been abusive towards me.  The hardest part about talking to him was that I had to stop myself from saying "He reminds me so much of you, Dad."  I really didn't need to though because he said himself "I used to be like him.  I was a knucklehead."  He told me what everyone else had been telling me:  you don't need him, he's no good for you, I wish you had talked to me sooner, etc.   

It is disappointing that I keep caving like this.  I want to stop.  I need to.  There is no need for me to know what he is doing, who he's with, etc.  He doesn't care about me and what I'm doing.  A fake e-mail account?  That is a great idea!  I just might try that.  Thanks!

[itd1959]

I think it's normal to want to know what they are doing. Who doesn't want to know? Are they hurting as much as we are? Are they as sad as we are? Or how they having the time of their lives now that they've moved on? I think it's normal to want to know these things but at the same time whatever we find out and more often than not, they are doing just fine, it just causes us more pain.

I too, want to curse my ex out. I want to let her know the pain and grief she caused me all of those years and is causing me now but I've realized this would fit right in with what they would love to hear. So I went to google and opened an account there and wrote a blog about my life with her. It get's it out there without her knowing who wrote it and how I really feel about her. Sending a letter, I think, would not help.

[Billa]

 

[Sango216]

itd1959,

I think it's normal to want to know these things too, and yes, looking does cause more pain.  That is why I get so upset with myself for doing it.  Today I woke up and didn't look, and I don't plan to do it again for as long as I can stand it.  I already have an idea of what he's doing over there, and I don't need confirmation because that will only break my heart even more.

Blogging sounds like an interesting outlet.

[Sango216]

Billa,

Thank you.