Emotionally and intellectually exhausted

[mitti]

I have been 4 months NC, my decision, and even though I miss him (who I thought he was and who he was some of the time) I don't want him back. I have finally accepted that he can't be different, his BPD will always resurface no matter how hard he tries and I will never have my needs considered. But I am so tired. I have no energy for anything. Even writing this feels absolutely draining of every ounce of energy that I possess. All I want is to have somebody else in my life, because I have been on my own most of my life and for many years before meeting my ex. I was fine with it at the time but when I met him I realized how much I had missed a r/s, giving and receiving love - part of the meaning of life for me. I don't believe people are meant to be alone even though some obviously choose that for themselves and are fine with it. I'm not. I feel starved of love and being in a r/s with a pwBPD seriously didn't help.

The dilemma is that nobody compares to him, for some reason in my head. I can't make myself interested in somebody else when I am not. Not that I know how to or where to meet men. And even if I did I am too tired to do anything about it. I have been out, meeting friends, going to new places since the breakup. The people I met just made me miss him more. It all feels hopeless, as if there's no point to life any more. I don't want to give it time. The wait makes me angry. What's the point when there's so little left to life.

Sorry for such a gloomy post but I have nobody to talk to.

[VeryFree]

  I think you need this 

I too think people aren't meant to be alone, but... . to be in a healthy r/s and to give and recieve the love that we want, I think we first should love ourselves. A good way to get to know ourselves is by being alone. Looking at ourselves. Looking at our pasts. Thinking about our futures. Often in a r/s that's very difficult to do. I see the time alone as time investing in myself.

My goal: growing, become more healthy, to finally can attach to a worthwhile partner again with whom I'm going to spend a lot of fun years.

In other words: be gentle on yourself, become friends with yourself. Your new partner will arrive soon enough!

[mitti]

Thanks for your response VeryScared, and big   to you

Of course we should love ourselves but that's not the problem. We don't automatically become content being by ourselves because we learn to love ourselves. What I mean is this: it is human need to have others around you, to form an attachment to other human beings and for most of us to be in a loving r/s. Whether I love myself or not isn't changing this need. So not loving myself is not the problem. I am also healing from this past r/s, I have been in T for some time now I am coming back to my true self, no longer walking on egg shells, no longer feeling I need somebody who will treat me with disrespect. The problem is that I have been alone most of my life and I am now middle aged. I don't want to be alone any more, not because I don't love me but because life is for sharing and there's hardly any left to share and nobody to share it with. I have no idea how to meet anybody else. And I am too tired and angry. Everything feels pointless.  :'(

[VeryFree]

I quickly read through your posts from the last days and I understand you're going through some very rough times.

I'm not professionally into this, so I'm just giving my $ 0.02 as an innocent bystander. I think your excessive working-hours in combination with the broken r/s is playing tricks on you. I can imagine it's difficult to see the sun behind the clouds if you don't have time to look... . Is it possible to get some more free time? It would be good to relax and easier to meet other people.

Be carefull Mitti. There's only one you. And that one is worth to be taken care off, wether you're alone or not.

For all of us somewhere out there is mr/ms Perfect. Take the time to meet yours!

[mitti]

You are probably right that my crazy work schedule is part of why I feeling so exhausted. But it feels as though the only thing that could give me any energy is to have somebody to share my life. And mr right was my ex, the illusion of him though of course. But even the part that was real was to a great extent perfect for me - we shared so many things, all of our interests, most of our values and tastes, dreams bla bla. He destroyed it, but I still compare everybody to him. I am so disappointed in life, and angry. I don't want to do any more of this life alone. I don't want to wait any longer. And I am almost 50.

[catsprt]

Hi mitt,

I used to long for the idea of a family until a friend commented that most families are a mess and cumbersome ties. Reality stands somewhere in the middle   and it is up to us to accept the one we are experiencing. Sometimes it is hard work as we are tempted to think that things should be different. At times I too can be feeling down as I start thinking that humans are meant to belong to a tribe... . but most often I am just accepting the fact. Take care. C

[VeryFree]

Almost 50? Your age isn't the reason you should hurry I think! You're young and have a whole life before you!

Just try to relax (in work and in private) and take things slowly. By forcing yourself to a new r/s the chances are you'll get hurt again.

Go out, do things you like, find some new activities, make some new friends, look up old friends. Get busy!

But most of all: be gentle on yourself.

Take care.

[Cumulus]

Hi mitti, it is a lonely world going solo. I understand what you are saying, everything seems designed for two. Except my one person kayak. I was out today watching couples as they walked on the trail as I kayaked up the river. And,was thinking how great it would be to be in a two person kayak sharing this wonderful life. Where do we go from here. From understanding what they were, to understanding what we are to finally finding an emotionally available person where there is mutual attraction. Do you mind me asking why nobody else compares to him? What was special about him that you don't think you can find in someone else?

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, the right relationship feels great, and it's tempting to see a couple out walking in the park or whatever and assume they're perpetually blissful, but relationships are work and require maintenance, the best kind of work mind you, but work nonetheless.  And of course our relationships with our BPD exes were massive amounts of work with no payback except pain and abuse.

I'm in a place where I'm alone but only lonely sometimes, although I have a new-found love of other people's company, a drive that wan't really that strong in me prior to BPD hell; I consider it a blessing.  So I'm having a barbecue on Thursday, just a few friends, which is what I want and need to be doing right now, as I practice maintaining boundaries and focusing on my needs, partly in prep for the stellar healthy relationship that is in my future.

[almost789]

I only read your first post because I'm short on time. I feel exactly the same and I am way farther out than 4 months. Course I'm not NC. But we are not a couple anymore, I only talk on occassion. I am able to date but I can't!  I have no desire to. And if I force myself to try, it makes me cry! How can I date someone when I feel like this. It sucks. I feel as if I will never date another again and I used to think, oh sure you will, now I'm starting to think, no, maybe I won't. It sucks. None compares, no one looks the way he does, no one acts the way he does it's like I am waiting for his carbon copy to arrive. I still love him I guess.

[livednlearned]

Sorry to be the cliche, but the month I felt really good about being alone and filling myself up with riches of my own making, whether it was my son, my dog, my friends, job, career, school, or health, I met someone. He's the first healthy guy I've ever dated. We're six months in and so far, so good. I'm 43.

I hope I'm not being too jerky by saying this, but my two cents is that if you're still thinking your ex was Mr. Right, even if you're rationalizing that he isn't, you're still giving off a vibe that doesn't invite people in. I can feel the yearning in your post. When you're really ready -- really, truly ready -- for someone to be in your life, the right person at the right time, you won't be thinking your ex was Mr. Right.

[mitti]

Thanks everybody who responded in this thread. I really appreciate your support. So sorry I haven't responded but I have been so super busy I basically haven't had a life. Things at work have finally calmed down though and everything is moving at a slower pace but I am just feeling worse. Idk if this is because I basically had no time to grieve before, but I feel awful, really really awful. I am away at the moment, visiting my family in another city. I have no space to myself, which is just making this worse. I miss my ex so much I feel I am breaking. I have no energy for anything, just tired. I have no energy to talk to anybody, nothing is fun, I don't want to do anything. I even left my family and went out on my own for a walk to have beer, but even that doesn't offer any pain relief.

I have been out to meet new people but it only makes me feel disappointed. I don't meet anybody I find interesting and nobody seems to find me interesting either. Men my age seem to expect to meet somebody younger. I feel as if women my age are supposed to be content that romantic life and sex is a thing of the past. I just feel miserable. And I wish my ex would contact me. I can't contact him because I am too scared I might still be black to him. And what is the point anyway? Even if I am back to white, going back would just mean another go on the BPD-roller coaster.

[livednlearned]

I have no space to myself, which is just making this worse. I miss my ex so much I feel I am breaking. I have no energy for anything, just tired. I have no energy to talk to anybody, nothing is fun, I don't want to do anything. I even left my family and went out on my own for a walk to have beer, but even that doesn't offer any pain relief.

Those two things go together, I think. Feeling awful, and at the same time missing your ex. They're connected. When I felt awful, that's when I craved the fantasy the most.

I think what I was craving was me, the complete set. That's what the pain was about -- thinking the completeness existed in him, when it was really the complete me I was craving.

[seeking balance]

I have been so super busy I basically haven't had a life.

sounds like the BPD relationship kinda gave you a life outside of work - so of course you miss that element.

in my "need" to understand, I learned a bunch about BPD which led to learning about DBT and Linehan.  One of the books that I read was The Buddha and The Borderline - and a phrase stood out for me, that might actually resonate with you.

The goal of DBT was to be able to have, "A life worth living".

What makes you happy Mitti?  Have you volunteered?  Done something for your soul?

Of course you are exhausted if all you do is work - a full life, one that is lived fully has elements in it that nourish your mind, body, spirit - all of them are necessary.

The only way things change is when we change - it isn't easy - but this is our life, as far as we know - the only one we get.

What do you need to do to have " A Live Worth Living"?

Yep, I was scared when I went to my first yoga class or my first painting class and I still wonder if adopting by myself is wise - but you know what, this is my life and there is more to it than having a partner and a job.  I am happy and content more than I am not - but it came when I decided to create my life worth living with the things that I could do rather than the things that I cannot have.

Hang in there Mitti!

Peace,

SB

[Blazing Star]

... . I am just feeling worse. Idk if this is because I basically had no time to grieve before, but I feel awful, really really awful... .

To me it sounds like the grief has come to the surface.

I am sorry, I know how tough this can be, how your heart feels crushed, and you don't know when the tears or the pain will stop.

   

How would it feel to surrender to this grief, by allowing yourself to feel it you will move through it and come out the other side.

Could you set aside a couple of days, stock the fridge with easy to eat comfort food, soups, soft fruits, custard. Make a nest in your bed, or another cosy space in your house. Have some tools to hand, a journal, a sketch pad and crayons, pillows to punch and cry into, some things that remind you of him.

And let go.

Cry. Mourn. Grieve.

Take breaks to eat, to shower, to drink water.

In the spaces between the grief journal or draw/doodle. Maybe watch some feelgood movies.

And just really look after yourself, really hold the space for your grief.

What do you think?

Love Blazing Star

[mitti]

Thanks for caring everybody who has responded. I still feel so worn out and I still feel so bad. I can't seem to retain info any more. I have always been absent-minded though but the rate at which I forget things these days is just ridiculous. And I feel depressed. I have tried for so long to look ahead and not back, to create new opportunities for myself, to be active, to stay fit, to keep in touch with friends and even make new ones, as much as has been possible with the little time I have had available. But I have lost interest in everything. I just see no future and if the future means being alone then I really feel life is pointless. I have been single most of my life and I have had enough of doing everything alone. Life is just better when you can share it.

[mitti]

Hi SB,

Thanks for your response.

What makes you happy?

This is not so easy to answer because although I enjoy lots of things and I lead a very active life I feel very lonely. Being a part of a family has always been at the top of my wish list. But I am a very independent woman, single-minded and thrifty with lots of interests. So I have a past full of experiences - good and bad, but after years of being on my own I want and need to have love in my life. Both to give and receive. Sharing my life with my ex made me happy. The things I did before, and still do, just cannot fill the void of a partner any more.

A life on my own without a partner is just meaningless regardless of what else is in it. I have lived like that for years before meeting my ex, and feeling OK with it, but it was just an avoidant attitude to try and deal with the sorrow of being single for years. Now I have nothing to hide behind anymore.

I am sorry I sound so down. I am just depressed. I am just sick of my life.

[mitti]

Hi Blazing Star,

Thank you so much for your advice to take some time to myself. I suffer from PTSD due to what I have been through with my ex. Certain things trigger me really badly and I am scared to go there because of fear of panic attacks. He left me for over 6 months, now 2 years ago. It was without warning, brutal and left me in a state of panic every single day for almost the total duration of that break. I was suicidal. Although I am now not in that place any more, I do avoid anything that will trigger a panic attack. The pain is too excruciating and totally debilitating.

[seeking balance]

Hi SB,

Thanks for your response.

What makes you happy?

This is not so easy to answer because although I enjoy lots of things and I lead a very active life I feel very lonely. Being a part of a family has always been at the top of my wish list. But I am a very independent woman, single-minded and thrifty with lots of interests. So I have a past full of experiences - good and bad, but after years of being on my own I want and need to have love in my life. Both to give and receive. Sharing my life with my ex made me happy. The things I did before, and still do, just cannot fill the void of a partner any more.

A life on my own without a partner is just meaningless regardless of what else is in it. I have lived like that for years before meeting my ex, and feeling OK with it, but it was just an avoidant attitude to try and deal with the sorrow of being single for years. Now I have nothing to hide behind anymore.

I am sorry I sound so down. I am just depressed. I am just sick of my life.

I do understand that lonely feeling ... . It is hard when it is so present and tangible.

Many things could be at play, including your physical health.  When was the last time you had a physical and bloodwork?  Are you taking vitamins, etc?

Also, you might be at the true depth of grief... . this is hard, lonely, exhausting and really only time gets us out of it.   Grieving our lost dream is very sad.  When I was here, I did just give myself permission to be alone and sad... . lean into the pain was the advice I was given and I was miserable enough to do it.   The tears do stop and there will be calmness and the heavy depression does pass.

PTSD is exhausting too.  What treatment did you receive? EMDR?

Ultimately, we can do all the "right" things, then it is simply time and tears until the weight of grief passes.

Peace,

SB

[mitti]

PTSD is exhausting too.  What treatment did you receive? EMDR?

I am in T but not sure it is helping specifically with my PTSD. It is quite strange how it affects me. There have been other people very closely involved in our r/s, doing their best to destroy it. This particular person, a male "friend" is in the same line business as me, for me it is something I work with on the side. Due to his dominance over my ex, his refusal to accept me and the smear campaign I have been a victim of, my world, as it was, has been greatly reduced. I fear going to certain places, just seeing this man, or hearing of him, can trigger my PTSD. So basically I avoid everything that might have that effect on me. The fact that my ex never defended me, never took my side and in effect chose this friend over me is so painful I can't even bear to think of it. I don't think I will ever be able to get over it. It will always be painful.

I don't know what EMDR is.

[seeking balance]

EMDR is a specific treatment for PTSD.   It basically reboots the brain.

My T was trained in it and used techniques with me and it really did do wonders.

[patientandclear]

Just dropping in to say that I feel very much as  you do, Mitti.  When I first started seeing my ex, I'd been alone for 5 years.  I was 45 but I never thought about that.  I was done with relationships -- I'd left a long horrible marriage and was so happy to be myself and not be undermined by another person -- and I was super happy.

Then I got involved with my ex, and felt that I hadn't known or I had forgotten what happiness was.  It IS sharing life with someone else.  I completely relate to everything you write about that.

And since it ended, I haven't been able to transition back to an appreciation of life on my own.  It has felt like going through the motions.  Maybe a little easier for me because I have a kid I like a lot & I love my work, and some of that good feeling has returned.  But at a basic level, I have felt so empty and like life is meant to be shared and I am going to be alone.  Loving myself, reading good books, etc. -- it's not enough.  In fact I barely read anymore, when I used to devour the chance, but it feels like reading mocks me.  I want to be reading in bed next to my partner & sharing observations about our books, like my ex and I did.

I also totally understand the feeling that no one else is interesting compared to him.  I do try to bear in mind that that feeling was the result of him presenting himself to me as someone I could trust, with whom I could be myself, who adored me, who had so much in common with me.  Not all of that was a true picture.

I think the truth is, we just don't know.  But whatever is available to happen, is only going to happen if we are in a position to see and respond to it.  If we are, something different from these partnerships but still good may happen.  It may.

Finally, you're right that you're recovering from trauma.  My T has finally identified my "stuckness" as similar to the feeling a kid has who is abandoned by someone who appeared to be a loving parent.  It's devastating and goes to a very deep place about whether we are safe, whether we will be loved, whether we can trust love, whether there is something wrong with us.  In my case, this is not a FOO issue but seems to have originated in this r/s.  It's super tough.

I told my ex before we started dating that I was the happiest person I know. I guess I am just unwilling to allow this tragically messed up r/s that had so much unrealized potential to completely wreck my talent for happiness.  But I so agree with you that "learn to be alone," for those of us who have spent many years happily alone, is not grappling with the damage that occurred here or the real need we have for connection and partnership.

[mitti]

Thank you patientandclear, 

It feels so much better to hear that there are others who get all this, who can relate totally. But I am sorry you have had to go through the same as me.

Your r/s sounds a lot like mine. We also used to read together in bed and talk about what we read. We used to do everything together. Like you I felt fine before I met him after having been single for over 10 years, I had also come out of a dysfunctional marriage – but nothing like the r/s with my BPDex. When I met him I felt as though all those lonely years had been made up for. The day he told me he loved me was one of the happiest days of my life.

When we broke up 4 months ago I felt I was ready for it. T had helped me with my codependency and I had learnt to better enforce my boundaries. Not sure how to combat my PTSD though. Most of these issues, especially PTSD, originate from this r/s. Just like you I was a happy person before I met him. I still am but I feel damaged, insecure and unsure of myself around others. It is getting better. The worst part is that it feels as if I have to spend the rest of my life by myself.

I wanted to meet somebody 4 months ago and I was really looking forward to meeting a healthy person. I would even imagine situations where a new healthy man would do the opposite to my ex , and I longed for that. As soon as I went for one first date I was disillusioned and started missing my ex. And I seem stuck there.

Today I actually sent him a text. I just let him know that I have a book that belongs to him. I know this book is special to him. I have held onto it for the longest time, mostly because I haven't known how to return it without him thinking I wanted contact. In the past I used to try so hard to keep the lines of communication open that he reads everything I do as an attempt on my part to get back together. I have also been soo angry with him for such a long time, that I just didn't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I couldn't let go. We have been NC for 4 months.

The text I wrote was simple, not friendly but not un-friendly either, just a simple note to let him know I have found this book and does he want it.

I expected him to tell me drop in the mail box but I just got a text back ”absolutely”. It seem he is throwing the ball back into my court. Idk, and now I feel I am just rambling and getting off topic. Perhaps I should start a new thread about this cos I would really want some input as to what could possibly be going on and advice as to what I should respond. I realise I do want to see him... .

[patientandclear]

Argh.  We should "talk."  I'm just re-establishing communication w/my ex, with whom I had what I considered a worthwhile & healing friendship this past year. But as I've written about elsewhere, he moved away to parts unknown out of the blue a few months ago, & he didn't take kindly to my objecting that that would mean a loss for us & for me, setting aside whether he experienced it that way.  He stopped talking to me for a couple months, which -- as I know you will relate to -- stirs up all kinds of traumatic associations for me. We're doing some basic repair work now. Not sure what we'll have at this point.

But all that to say: I have done some healing by association w/my ex.  All those qujalities you miss--I enjoyed having most of them (not sex or reading in bed, but the rest) back in my life. It also let me get to know him in a different way w/o the pressure of trying to sustain a romance.  I experienced his BPD-ness, especially push-pull, with slightly lower stakes.

But just like yours, it sounds like, my ex is constantly on guard for attempts to "capture" him (a term he used yesterday).  He is constantly thinking that if I say anything nice about him, it must mean I want to get back together. *Shrug*

I would just caution that contact w/o clarity about where you are could be a mess.  When you ended things, it was b/c of a boundary that was at odds with how he acted. If nothing there has changed, but you still feel this degree of longing--watch out!

Just like you, my ex made me feel that all my years of being alone & before that, pain in other relationships, were finally going to be washed away, & amazingly, I was going to end up in love with & loved by this amazing person.  I thought I was the luckiest person ever (& that he was, too ).  If you reconnect, that's a powerful drug you are addicted to, like I am/was. Make sure it doesn't distort your decison-making.

Let us know how it goes ... .

[Suzn]

The things I did before, and still do, just cannot fill the void of a partner any more.

Could this be because you are becoming more aware? What you did before was to cope with loneliness by being more of a workaholic, this is a distraction. This keeps us busy and keeps us from focusing on ourselves and our pain. Once we start focusing on the pain it hurts and it's hard. Hard is hard, it's not one step above easy mitti. Feel this pain all the way through, allow yourself to cry, you will find yourself on the other side. This doesn't necessarily mean you don't love yourself but it does say you aren't giving yourself and your emotions due diligence. You are worth this healing process.

A partner will never fill the void. You have to learn fill this void. It takes time to get through this, a few weeks or months may not be enough and what you're feeling is a normal part of this process even though it doesn't feel good. The good news is you're feeling.

It will get better if you allow yourself the time alone. Really being OK with being alone doesn't lend itself to "needing" a partner. Nothing wrong with wanting a partner, we rarely plan on being single forever, it's human nature to want to share our lives with someone. Building a life to "share" is the goal. Being OK with being alone first looks more like truly enjoying and finding joy in your interests and that's not only spending time with friends, unless it's something like being on a softball team because you truly love softball. Does that make sense? What do you enjoy doing that you wouldn't give up for anyone because it's yours? Is there an answer for yourself to that question yet? For me, growing the answers to that question has helped me build my life up around me and has brought me contentment.

[mitti]

Hi suzn,

I have been alone most of my life. First I wasn't fine with it, then I learned to cope, I dated but was mostly alone, then I met my xH which btw is not the BPD in my life, then I was alone for years and years and then I had CBT and started to feel better, still alone, and then I met my xBPD. I have never had problems being alone but I just don't want to live my life alone and - I am sorry but I am really rally upset today - if that is the rest of my life I'd rather not live it.

A partner does fill that void because it isn't that I don't feel like a complete human being, it is that I want love in my life. I want to love and be loved.

Every day is painful and boring and dull and I can't stand another day of just responsibilities. I am soo sick of this.

[Suzn]

mitti I've read your entire thread and a few things stood out. First your marriage prior to your exBPD was dysfunctional. You compare your exBPD to everyone you meet, is this your only point of reference in the past 15 years since you say you were single for 10 years prior? How emotionally available do you see yourself while you are comparing everyone else to your ex? You are depressed mitti, have you discussed your feelings of not wanting to go on if this is how your life will be with your T? Have you considered meds to help you with these lows?

I am concerned about you feeling this way. These feelings are temporary and being exhausted does not help. Taking care of you physically and mentally first is priority number one. Will you consider reaching out to your T or doctor about these feelings specifically?

[mitti]

I have a child so I will not harm myself. But no I am not interested in meds. I know about the side effects etc. I don't see the purpose of life if nobody will love me, that is it. And waiting is starting to feel ridiculous. There's nothing more to it. I know I compare everybody to my ex. I can't help it. It's paradox I know. I have worked and struggled for years and now I am sick of it. If I meet anybody it will just be another idiot who is going to mistreat me. Any more shame and humiliation I cannot cope with.

Sorry but I am just so sick of it  :'(

[Suzn]

I understand how you feel about meds. I didn't want to take them either, I also feared the side effects. That was over 2 years ago. Since then however, I've seen some pretty amazing results here from others who decided to look further into them. I can honestly say I probably should have given them a try back when I was deeply depressed. I exercised instead and worked on getting sleep, that did help a lot.

There is a welcome side effect to working on me I found. The more I worked on me and my own issues the more I could recognize them in others. I have no fear of someone I meet ending up mistreating me anymore. You may not realize it but you are doing the work, feeling these emotions and talking about them honestly here and with your T is doing the work.

You had a really bad couple of days. You hadn't had contact in 4 months with your ex, you likely needed some comfort from your exhaustion and of course looking to him for that comfort is not out of the norm, and he didn't respond in a way that offered you any comfort. This is a blow to your emotional well being. You will likely recover a little more quickly this time since you are working through it here. This will pass, I'm sorry you're hurting right now.