Hurt and broken

[Tkwoody]

Today I was told at my job (school) that I have no right to tell people I Hate my sd9 with bps. I have NEVER said or thought this. I was told that I am cruel to her and I never give her positive self esteem behaviors. I work so hard to help her ( tutors in school, endless drs and counselors), I bend over backwards to help her. She is such a totally different child in school, she is a chameleon and I am blamed for abusing HER!

My heard is broken, I am in tears and totally deflated.

Does this ever stop? How could anyone think I would EVER say my child is stupid or I Hate them?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

tkwoody:  Who in the world would say something so hurtful to you. Even if your daughter is a totally different child in school, there is no one that has the right to say that to a parent.  It is quite clear that this person needs some therapy themselves.  I am sure you are doing everything you can.  I know how your heart must be breaking.  I once had a parent leave a message on my machine that told me if I stayed home from work and parented my child better, she wouldn't be the "way" she is.  I was heartbroken also.  I work because I have to and until DD was in 10th grade I drove her to school and picked her up at the end of the day.  Does it ever stop? Probably not.  I try to remind myself that many people are ignorant and have no idea of what I am dealing with.  How hard my life has been  but I also don't owe them an explanation.

Griz

[Tkwoody]

Oh thank you Griz,

You are right, I don't owe an explanation but I can't help but feel I have to defend myself. It hurts so badly when I try so hard to help my sd9 as I swim upstream only to be run over by a steam roller telling me it is my fault.

[jellibeans]

tkwoody

I can certainly relate to this... . I have had CPS at my door from the claims of abuse from my husband against my dd. The pwBPD needs to put blame on someone and that is usually who they are close with... . their family. Try to distance yourself from this... . don't take it personally. Your sd goes to the same school you work at? This makes things hard for you for sure. Is there a way to transfer to a different school?

What did you say to this person that told you this? Who exact told you this? and what busines is it of theirs?

[Tkwoody]

jellibeans,

I did attempt to find a job at a new school for next year, leaving my sd9 here with her help and services already in place. They actually used that against me! They said I was leaving because I don't like her! I can't win for losing. The people saying ugly things are a, from what I gather, a handful of women I work with who are taking a morsel of info and creating a story. But it is wrong info and hurts so badly. My sd9 only has 2 more years at this school. Maybe then it will stop. But it is just so hurtful when we try SO hard to love and help and people say we are mean and bad parents

[jellibeans]

What a terrible position to be in... . it there a way to complain to the head person about your mistreatment? This is just not right! Try to distance yourself from these women.

[mamachelle]

What a terrible position to be in... . it there a way to complain to the head person about your mistreatment? This is just not right! Try to distance yourself from these women.

I am so sorry to hear all this.  I am not dealing with this on the same level at all... . but my SIL who is a social worker turned SAHM did not believe my SS10 was capable of what he is for many years. Did not believe he could possibly have Asperger's either.

These folks just stand in the way. Go around them as much as you can. Sometimes, like my SIL, they are embarrassed deep down that even though they are trained pros they just completely missed the point.

Please know we are here for you.

 

mamachelle

[Tkwoody]

Mamachelle and jellibeans,

You don't know how much your support means.

So exhausted trying to defend myself. Then to come home to my sd9 plucking the other two children's nerve one minute and then having this face of innocence the next, I agree with the Cybill analogy.

[vivekananda]

yep, I have a good friend who is a social worker and who thinks she knows it all. She is a warm, kind and generous woman and she rubs me the wrong way so much! ... . and I value her friendship too! I practise restraint so much with her. I hold my tongue but speak up when it is important enough. I think the point is not to be defensive and pick the times I will speak up.

There is no need to engage with people who don't want to understand. That's what I came to learn. What is happening is that they are projecting their personal concerns for themselves onto you. When someone tells me I have done wrong I have learnt to look at them and understand that this is just their projection onto me.

Nevertheless, there is something to be learned from the experience. Can I recommend to you to get the Lundberg's book "I don't have to make everything all better" if you haven't already. Take it into the staff room and read it at lunchtime. That will stop them talking to you (because you are reading), the title of the book should give them pause. If you leave it lying around, they might pick it up and open the pages and learn something for themselves! 

take care Tkwoody,

Vivek      

[jellibeans]

vive

I love the idea read the book and laving it out... .

tkwoody... . don't waste your energy not these people... . save it for you sd.

[peaceandhope]

Tkw,

I feel for you. Especially if work place does it to you.

Is there a chance to take this matter to human resources  and try to shut their mouths this way?

Dont pay any attention to what other people say. Thye dont live with BPD's like we do.

My best friend stopped talking to me because of lies my dd said to them.

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

I'm so sorry.

We had similar issues with our son when he was at school, he is very charismatic and turned all the support staff against us. At 16, when we were seriously concerned that he was going to loose it big time, we even went in to warn them and came out clutching books about how to deal with our Anger Issues and How To Be Better Parents... .

of course they never replied to my letter the next week when he tried to stab me, assaulted his brother, threatened to kill himself and ended up in the County Mental Health hospital. I bet that was all my fault too... .

I've learned that people like this don't deserve an explanation.

[Tkwoody]

Vivek , Peaceandhope, jellibeans and K4queen,

Thank you all for your support. Times like now when it means so much, it is truly priceless.

To respond... . I have no human resources to help me due to the fact that I live in a small town where everyone lives in a fish bowl. I love the idea of reading a book about BPD out in the open where they can all see me. Great advice. It has worked well with my hubby. He is now getting more involved with HIS daughter by seeing me read about her BPD.

I agree I should learn how to let it go, not to waste my time, I am just not very good at this ... . yet. I am working on it though

I have only ONE more day of school then summer. Granted this summer I am home with all three girls, at least I won't be under that judge mental microscope at work.

Thank you all again for all your support. It helped me get thru the night.

[MammaMia]

TKWoody

I assume your child attends the school where you work, is that correct?  Did you ask where people are getting their information?  Could it be from your daughter?  Or perhaps things she is telling her friends?  Others do not understand that pwBPD cannot always be believed.  She may be saying nasty things about you just to get attention from her friends and they are passing that misinformation to their parents.

With one day left, I do not know if it would be worthwhile to explain to them that she has BPD and often creates stories that are not true.  They should really mind their own business... . maybe you should tell them that as well.  They have no idea what you are dealing with and no right to confront you about how you raise your child. 

[Tkwoody]

Mammamia,

I agree that my sd9 can not be trusted... . but this is new info to me. I always thought she was honest to a fault but lately I have seen that is not the case. Although I do not think my sd9 is saying these things, I totally agree with you that my BPD sd9 might be more sneaky than I originally thought her capable of. She does attend the same school where I teach, but only for two more years. I am hoping and praying I can survive that long! Someways, more than I care to admit, I feel like I am just swimming upstream!

[vivekananda]

tkwoody, the lies our children tell us always contain a kernel of truth I think. What they are doing is using those tools that have worked for them in the past. It helps them get what they want. When we use the word lies or manipulation we do need to be conscious that what we are doing is placing our moral judgement on what they are doing. That is not helpful for our relationship with them. Really we need to be accepting them and validating their emotions - when we tell them what to do, it is counter productive, we need to teach them how to make their own decisions instead... . and that doesn't mean we accept their versions of the truth either.

It's can be murky waters understanding why our kids 'lie and manipulate' but these words we use to describe the effect of them on us, are not necessarily helpful... . but we do use them, because we know what we are talking about here... . gee I hope that makes sense, it sounds confusing 

Vivek    

[Kate4queen]

My son would disagree that he lies and manipulates the truth to suit his worldview because I really don't think he sees it like that. He has to believe those things in order to preserve his view of himself as a victim and prevent his fears of abandonment, rage and self-hatred from spilling out of him.

But outside the BPD thinking, he has always twisted the truth to make himself look better and throw blame on others, especially us, his parents.

I used to rush into school to complain about things he'd told me had happened only to find they were complete fabrications (and this started when he was 4), so I learned not to believe everything he told me. At your SD's age he wasn't above trying to threaten or blackmail me either in the nicest calmest tone.

So just be aware of that, I hate to say it but the information could definitely be coming from your SD.

[mamachelle]

Tkwoody,

Like me, you are dealing with a Step child. In my case, BPD BioMom lives in another state and has had almost 0 contact with the school for years.

In your case, you may dealing with BPD BioMom perhaps saying things to these women?

I know over on the Parenting Board Parenting after the Split-- there are a number of Step Moms and SO's dealing with or having dealt with BioMom spreading false claims of DV against them or their H's (the biodad's) at the schools.

I think if you step back you will see these other women are also concerned about your SD.

You have the summer to think of ways you can bypass or possibly include them in helping your SD. Perhaps the Neuropsych report will help.

I would just say to stop referring to her as BPD (except here maybe as uBPD  ) unless she actually gets the diagnosis. I have experienced mostly hostility even when I refer to my step kids biomom as BPD. Even though she has the DX, the stigma is there with many professionals unfortunately.

  mamachelle

[enough abuse]

I am so sorry to hear this and I totally feel for you.  My sister does this to my mother and I.  I sure wish I had the answer for you.  It is so devistating how BPD's try to destroy others who work so hard to try to help them.  No words can explain the pain.  My heart goes out to you.

[Tkwoody]

Enough abuse... . your words are so encouraging. Tank you. Such comfort knowing I am not alone.

Mammachelle, the biomom is out of town, just not out of sd9s life. No one around here would speak to her. Good thought though. Se would certainly do it if she had access.

I had no idea there was a stigma with BPD? I will definitely use uBPD here and keep it on the down low at school. Good info to have.

I am extremely anxious about getting the neuropsych report. I am glad to know that some therapists tend to steer clear of labels so I will not get frustrated when I go. All I want is for her to get help and for our family to be able to be in the same house without this walking on eggshells vibe from my sd9.

Thanks again

[lauradbl]

I feel your pain because unless people are in your situation and know of this disorder the non BPD person sometimes appears as the uncaring factor in the relationship. You really should stand up for yourself but people can be so ignorant and insensitive. I too hurt from a daughter who can be around certain people in my life and appear totally different. Then I get the opinions from some family members that makes no sense and makes me feel so distraught. Hang in there and know that we all know what you are dealing with but they have no idea of what you go through.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders