No Contact with BPD Wife - But she's very sick Help

[lifesentence]

I left my BPD wife a few weeks ago. I'm trying my best to maintain NC as much as possible.

Unfortunately, she has a lifelong illness and goes through periods where she is very sick, at least once every month or two where she's in severe pain and fatigued.

Sometimes it gets to the point where she faints or has to go to hospital. She wants me to be available to help her if this happens (e.g. send her to hospital) despite the fact that we are separated.

This has put me in a really difficult position as I cannot let another human being, let alone my wife, suffer.

I am trying to stop being such a caretaker but it seems like this is just going to be a life sentence for me and I'm never going to be able to live my own life free of this.

[Murbay]

lifesentence, it is a very difficult position to be in and I admire your qualities and compassion.

However, it is a debate I have had with my T for some time now because my ex wife is in a similar disposition in terms of illness and injury. As my T put it, she knows you are compassionate and a failsafe but there comes a point where you have to make a stand, because she is a grown woman and the longer you keep giving in to that suffering, the longer you leave yourself open to the abuse that also follows.

Sometimes stepping away to allow them to deal with their own issues is far more help than stepping in to deal with them. It is still a control element on their behalf and unfortunately, only a cycle that you can break.

I hate to see others suffering too and that is what kept me the the BPD loop. Sometimes, you have to let them figure it out for themselves and concentrate on getting yourself healthy.

[wanttoknowmore]

So  what about humanity in we, Nons... . If it's my wife and I will help her if she is really very sick... . I don't care if she calls me names, rages or threatens .

One has to rise above, at times, for the sake of kindness and compassion.

We get caught away too much in BPD bashing and anger and hatred on these board sometimes further provoke our negative emotions.

My humble opinion is go help your sick wife and don't expect anything in return. This is hard to do though.

[Murbay]

That's just it wanttoknowmore, there is nothing at all wrong with kindness and compassion. It's the same debate with my Therapist.

The key factor here is the separation and the reasons behind the separation. How can you help someone if you are not in a position to even help yourself?

In the case of my ex, I had to go back to my own country because my daughter in a previous relationship almost died. Despite that, my ex didn't want to go so she stayed behind. Not long after getting there, I got a call from my ex to say my baby daughter almost died and was being rushed to hospital. I flew back only to find she had a chest infection and some very annoyed doctors because ex accused them of not being able to do their job. Flew back again to be with other daughter while she recovered, ex didn't bother to come that time either, only to get a call that ex had pulled a muscle in her back. I didn't fly back immediately because we didn't have the money for a flight. During that time, I went to see a doctor about me and had a cancer scare. Ex still didn't want to come over, instead she was angry because I didn't drop everything to fly back and see if she was OK so why should she worry about me?

She does have some legitimate health concerns, such as an operation could kill her since she is high risk. However, even with things such as her back, she chooses to have it operated on rather than the prescribed rest. It's the same with anything, last week had an e-mail that daughter almost choked to death but she saved her life, injuring herself in the process.

I'm not for one minute saying that lifesentence's wife is anything like that but that kindness and compassion, once it becomes a hook is very difficult to escape from because they know you will come running every time. There is more chance of this being abused.

[ScotisGone74]

Honestly the way to show her compassion and true caring is finding it in yourself to allow her to do it on her own.  Truly you are not her guardian or caretaker, she is responsible for herself now.   BPD's have a hard time taking responsibility and being accountable, us Non's have trouble enjoying things for ourselves and not worrying about others'.  Work on you and let her work on her, and let the rest play out as it may. 

[marbleloser]

lifesentence,Do you have children with her? There's another thing to look at here.Since you left,you've abandoned the marital home and her.This will play big in court if you decide to get divorced.I'm sure you're at your wits end and have had enough,but there's a proper way to do things.I'm thinking of you here.

I agree she needs to take care of herself.That may mean a little down the road though.Does she have family that can help her? Is it possible to go back home,deal with it a little while longer,while talking to an attorney and getting the divorce in gear?

[lifesentence]

My humble opinion is go help your sick wife and don't expect anything in return. This is hard to do though.

My problem is not expecting anything in return. I never expected anything in return in our 10 years of marriage. That's what being a caretaker essentially is, giving all the time and rarely receiving anything in return.

My problem is that having to see her again would be upsetting and traumatic for me as it would constantly reawaken the caretaker feelings of guilt and being responsible for her. Something which I'm trying to let go off. She has an uncanny ability to play the victim to trigger these feelings in me.

lifesentence,Do you have children with her? There's another thing to look at here.Since you left,you've abandoned the marital home and her.This will play big in court if you decide to get divorced.I'm sure you're at your wits end and have had enough,but there's a proper way to do things.I'm thinking of you here.

I agree she needs to take care of herself.That may mean a little down the road though.Does she have family that can help her? Is it possible to go back home,deal with it a little while longer,while talking to an attorney and getting the divorce in gear?

No we don't have kids. And her family is miles away. That's the problem. I'm pretty much the only "family" she has and that's why I'm feeling like it's my responsibility to take care of her.

I'm not really worried about divorce right now. Whatever happens, happens. You can't put a price on freedom and emotional/mental wellbeing. I'd happily give everything I have right now to be free of this life sentence, but it just seems like a pipe dream at the moment. It just feels like I'll be burdened with being the caretaker of a BPD for life.

[Iced]

At the end all be all, she's an adult and if she needs help managing certain aspects of her life, she can make arrangements for that herself... . without involving you.

This is coming from someone who manages chronic and sometimes violent illness... . on their own for the most part.

Helping someone is good and all... . but only if it isn't because you're trying to "rescue" them out of a sense of "responsibility".

Helping someone is good and all... . but only if you're healthy enough to do any helping without getting yourself hurt all over again.

[Validation78]

Hi Life!

I have to say, this is a tough question. It's hard to turn your back on someone you care about, and until you described how you feel when you see her, I wasn't sure how to answer you. If you continue to help her, I think you will be turning your back on the person you need to love above all others, yourself! I agree that we as compassionate caring human beings want to do for others what we can, however, if the cost of doing so damages us, I think it's where we have to draw the line. Let's face it, if you were not around, she'd have to figure it out herself wouldn't she? It's so sad that anyone could put us in a position to feel such a dilemma, however, that's what these relationships sometimes come to. Taking care of your feelings and needs before others is not selfish, it's self preservation, and dare I say survival.

Best Wishes,

Val78 

[marbleloser]

"I'd happily give everything I have right now to be free of this life sentence,"

If you're in the US,you'll get that chance to give her everything and lifetime alimony for leaving a disabled spouse.Plus,covering her medical expenses,keeping her insurance paid,half of your retirement,etc.,,

Can you be happy doing that?Where are you living now?

[wanttoknowmore]

I would like to clarify my earlier statement. Yes, I agree you deserve to be free . But, at this time, you are in a commitment bond with her... . she is still, your wife and she needs you right now because she is very sick.

Once you are divorced ,it's no more expected from you to help her.

Let's assume, you have a 13 years son who gets '"psychotic" will you say

I want to leave him alone because I want my freedom right now?

You suffered and tolerated the pain with her for 10 years ,you can do it a little bit more until you are divorced and have no more commitment to her.

You survived 10 years ... . will you perish in next few weeks?  I know she is toxic but not toxic enough to destroy you in a few weeks. Just my point of view. I might be wrong.

[MaybeSo]

Your responsibilities to a child are different than to an adult.

If we use the rule of not doing for another what they could do for themselves ... .

How truly debilitating is her condition?

What prevents her from getting help from others?

What steps or planning could she do in anticipation of chronic cycles that would lessen her reliance on you or others when she isn't well?

What other connections is she cultivating so that she isn't relying only on one person for all her needs?

Ill people sometimes have to relocate to where there is help from family or friends.

I divorced my husband 15 years ago, I do not rely on him to assist me when I am ill. In an emergency, I'm sure he'd be there if he was needed, but he has a whole life separate from me, if he jumped everytime I had a need, I think it would diminish his ability to have a life of his own... . his current girlfriend certainly wouldn't appreciate it.

Finally, don't do things that feel like " a life sentence". When we get into that codependent

thinking... . there is something we are gaining from being in a martyr role... . usually some kind

of avoidance of ourselves and our own lives.  Figure out what that is, that has to do with

you, not her or anyone else.

[recoil]

Perhaps slowly start weaning yourself away instead of abruptly removing all support or committing to a lifetime of it?

We're the nons - it doesn't have to be all/nothing or black/white.

[lifesentence]

"I'd happily give everything I have right now to be free of this life sentence,"

If you're in the US,you'll get that chance to give her everything and lifetime alimony for leaving a disabled spouse.Plus,covering her medical expenses,keeping her insurance paid,half of your retirement,etc.,,

Can you be happy doing that?Where are you living now?

I live in Australia, and I've worked pretty hard to be fairly well off financially, which in a way is amazing given the amount of destructive comments my lovely wife has dished out to me in the past e.g. "Trust me. You will NEVER be successful!" Thanks honey! Of course, that never stopped her from asking, no demanding, me to buy her luxury bags and watches.

Back on topic, I would happily help her out financially as long as I still have enough left for myself. Like I've said. You can't put a price on your mental/emotional health or freedom.

And I doubt divorce is going to end up with me giving away 100% of everything I own and leaving me on the streets with absolutely nothing, surely.

[lifesentence]

By the way, thanks to everyone who responded to this thread. I really appreciate the feedback.