Daughter of a uBPDm

[BeachChick]

I have to say I have never been a member of a message board but there's always a first. My mother has never been diagnosed as BPD but I have always known something wasn't right. After my father passed away a few years ago, my mom's behavior became even more erratic than usual. I stumbled across the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' at the bookstore one day. I wasn't even looking for a self help book but the title immediately caught my attention. As I read the first few pages, I was amazed at how familiar it all sounded. The descriptions provided of BPD in this book helped me to finally put a name to the strange relationship I had lived with all my life with my mom. Since my father passed away, my relationship with my mother has been more volatile than ever. I call it a roller coaster.

I live in a different city than my mom does, which was my choice 25 years ago. I knew I would never be able to live my life for myself with her being close by so I moved away. I have an older sister who also moved away shortly after I did. My mom always idolized me and my sister was the evil/bad daughter. As a result, my sister grew to resent me although I never did anything to her. As we got older, we drifted apart. I was always sad that I didn't have the 'sister relationship' that I wanted but I always felt my sister just tolerated me. She did not want me to be her friend. I was the good child because I watched the fights my mom and my sister had and I didn't want to be on the receiving end of my mothers rages (I watched her rage against my dad all the time). I was always the shy and timid one. I think my personality is a lot like my dad. He was a good man and a good father. I still miss him terribly. I feel like I was never able to mourn my father's death because my mother went to pieces when he died. My whole life blew up when he died because my sister had the worst fight ever with my mother the day after we buried my father. She left me to deal with our distraught mother.

The last few years have been the most difficult of my life. My sister has cycled in and out with her relationship with my mom (more off than on). I have not spoken to my sister since that fateful day when she left me with my mother. I, too, have cycled in and out with my relationship with my mom. What is interesting is that my mom only seems to be able to carrying on a relationship with me or my sister separately. If she is talking to my sister, then she is not talking to me. I have not spoken to my mother on the phone since last summer when she got mad at me and did not return a phone call. There have been a few emails here and there, always short and to the point. I started to have feelings in the last few months that I wanted to reconcile with my mom because she is elderly and I hate the idea of her living (and dying) alone. I decided that maybe I would try to reconcile over Mother's day. I sent a gift (I always do) and had planned to call that day. The package was delivered before mother's day but she did not let me know that she received it (she usually does let me know when she receives a gift). On mother's day, I couldn't bring myself to make the phone call because I feared her raging. If I called her, I knew it would ruin my day so I decided to wait. My email went unanswered so I did some searches on the internet (google is great) and I learned that my childhood home had been sold the week before. I picked up the phone to call my mom and her home number was disconnected (with no forwarding number). I tried her cell and that was also disconnected. My mother had moved and left me no contact information! I called one of her friends to learn that she had moved in with my sister and that the friend was not supposed to tell me that. It was my mom's ultimate revenge. So now my sister is the good one and I am the bad one.

I am trying to heal from this hurtful, spiteful event but it will take some time. I have no desire to have any contact with my mother right now although I have learned that she has contacted my daughter (13yo) and given her the new email and cell number. She told my daughter that she could share it with her older brother... . and that was it. I fear my mom will now try to manipulate my daughter and put her into the middle of this mess. I don't want to forbid my daughter to have contact with her grandmother but I also don't want my mother to play the mind games with my daughter. She told my daughter that I won't call her because her dad (my husband) won't let me! Here come the lies! I have fought hard all these years to shelter my children from this woman.

Well, this turned out to be a lot longer than I expected. Hopefully, someone here has some insights and suggestions.

Thanks for listening.

[whereisthezen]

Hi Beach chick!



I am glad you found us! I know that others on the board with more experience with family members that are BPD will soon reach out to you with support, just wanted to say hello and let you know that once you find your way around the boards and get through the welcome information to the right ->, the parents with BPD board may be of help to any specific questions you have with your mom. You can view it at https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0 .

I know you are struggling like many of us to protect your family from the behaviors and backlash that come from these r/s's, being here will certainly give you the tools and insight to keep moving forward and making the right decisions for you.

[Being Mindful]

Hello BeachChick,



I'm glad you found us and so sorry to hear how you are suffering. BPD can be a very difficult journey and causes much pain and chaos to relationships. There is hope here! We have a ton of information and support from caring people who know and understand how hard, how complicated this can be.

Here are a few links to get you started:

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

Why we stay:Traumatic Bonding,Intermittent Reinforcement,Stockholm Syndrome

COMMUNICATION: Medium Chill - respond, don't react

Those links are just three great places to start. There is so much more and I don't want to overwhelm you. Take a look at those and come back to ask questions. We want to help and can also direct you to other resources that will help you specifically in your relationship with your mom and sister.

You are correct, your healing will take time. How are your kids handling the issue of your mom contacting them directly? Do they have information such that they know she is not well?

In the mean time, take good care of yourself. Not having contact with your mom right now gives you some distance to focus on you and your family. This is a healthy boundary for now.

I look forward to hearing back from you and learning how we can help.

Being Mindful

[zone out]

Hi Beach Chick

I am also new to the site and I can really identify with you.  I was always the good child, would go to any lengths to avoid upsetting mum - although I cannot remember that far back I evidently never even had a tantrum as a toddler, I remember her complaining when my young children had the odd tantrum that it was my bad management.  My father was a nice character who died way too young when I was in my teens.  I just abandoned my own feelings of grief - her grief was all consuming and one of the ways she dealt with it was to rubbish my father's memory but of course I never challenged it - I wouldn't dare. I received my copy of Walking on Eggshells this morning and have read it right through... . I think it is really going to help me get some perspective on things - my mum could tick every box for the high functioning BPD - although it will never be diagnosed. Recently I have discovered a few things about myself that I was not aware of before - I am always reading facial expressions waiting for any sign of anger or disapproval ... . I do that all the time, when I am with my family I am asking if everything is ok.

My mother is very elderly now and my own children are grown up.  For years I knew there must be something wrong with her.  It wasn't until I filled in a personality disorder test online that BPD came out loud and clear. I did one for myself and came out with doormat tendencies.  No surprise there - Mum and I are some combination.  I am really going to try and make some changes, I will have to tread carefully due to her age.

I wish you well Beach Chick

Zone Out

[Eureka1]

Welcome Beach Chick

I have an uBPD sister and a Mom that had uBPD traits.  But Mom was afraid of my sister.  When my Dad died in 2003, my sister tried to turn Mom against me.  So I know what it is like to feel alone, befuddled and confused.  I too found the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and it described my family life.

I am sorry that you have been painted black.  Nothing you can do to change that.  Your husband and children are a gift and enjoy provided a healthy family relationship for your children.  It will a gift that you did not receive from your own mother.

I found a support group via NAMI.  Look for a support group in your area.  www.nami.org

It gets tiresome to hear people say be thankful for your current family when you are mourning the stable childhood you never had, and a relationship with your sister that you never had.  For me personally, focusing on what was good kept me from being swallowed up by BPD hell.

Good luck!

Eureka