Would like advice - detailed story

Well, it's been a while since I posted, so I guess that's a good thing. But we (uBPDw and dSD14) had a major blowup last night and I need some support.

It started with dSD14 texting inappropriate pics of herself to a guy friend. This was one of the major issues that caused her to spiral into depression and cutting and ultimately be admitted into a mental hospital. She hasn't done this nor cut for approx 3 months which is a loong time for her so it really caught my uBPDw and I by surprise. We thought she had learned a tough lesson and was over it. We were wrong. We asked her to explain why she would go down that route again when she has been hurt by it before. And this is where things started to go south. I was trying to be as neutral as I could be with her. Validating her efforts throughout the months that she has not "sexted". But also explaining that the house of trust she built day by day over the past few months can be so easily toppled by one wrong move. It takes a lot of work to build that house but it crumbles very easily. My uBPDw on the other hand was more on the attack mode. "And this is why people think you're a whore/tramp/etc... . ". There was more said but it was all basically screaming and yelling and fist-tightening and over-the-top huffing and puffing. Stuff that a teenage girl with low self esteem would view as a personal attack.

After enough of this I dismissed dSD14 to her room. I attempted to start a conversation with uBPDw in a very low tone of voice so SD14 wouldn’t have to hear any more of it but uBPDw just kept on screaming and yelling about how stupid sd14 is. I asked her to lower her voice and when she would not comply, I tried to take a time-out. I told her I want to have a conversation about this but not in the state that she is. I retreated into our room and she comes barging in, in a full rage at this point. Things get heated, d8 comes in crying and gets in bed with me and ducks under the covers. I try again to retreat and go into d8’s room and lock the door. After a few minutes of repeating myself through the door that I will talk to her when she calms down there’s some silence outside the door. I tell d8 I’ll be back, thinking that uBPDw was a bit calmer and also trying not to make things worse. Well, when I open the door I realize the reason why there’s silence is because she’s just outside the door huffing and puffing, fists clenched like it’s all she can do to control herself. I walk by her and ask her to come to the room so we can talk. Well, now she doesn’t want to talk and she goes straight for her closet and starts to pack up as if to leave. I don’t say anything and just watch; I didn’t think she would go through with it but regardless of that as she’s putting the last few things in her bag I say “you don’t have to go”. This opens up the floodgates and we’re now “talking” albeit loudly which I wanted to avoid in the first place.

During a break in the “talking” I notice my dSD14 dash from the bathroom to her room and locks the door. Now suspicious I unlock her door which she immediately tries to close and ask her to show me her arms. Sure enough, she was in the bathroom, up to her old tricks. uBPDw now focuses her attention on her, we once again have the trust conversation, and for the rest of the night the tension just simmers.

If you read through all that, thank you. I went into a lot more detail than I meant to but I kind of want to lay it all out there and see where I made mistakes. Whether I should have validated more (and when?), whether I buckled in trying to set limits by taking a time out. Even IF it was the right time to take a time out. I know setting limits is hard, and things will get worse before they get better (extinction bursts) but damn it, it hurts so much to see my kids exposed to the rages… Overall I’m just doubting myself. Should I have had the conversation in ear shot of my dSD14?

Oh, and last point that I was trying to get across to her; she’s blaming ME for causing her to blow up. I instigated and I could have made it better, and I disrespected her by walking away. I adamantly stood my ground and told her I will not take ownership of her rage. She is the one that needs to control her emotions. Not me.

So there it is. Any advice? Thanks in advance.



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