Grief stalled by fear of opening heart

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm starting to realize that I'm becoming a bit fearful of going through the grieving process, because when I feel sad and miss parts of him, or really the dreams of what I thought he would/could be, those moments are not balanced with all that was real.  And my heart opens a bit towards him, and then I feel inclined to see him... . which is part of how the whole pattern set itself up over all these years.

Having not really gotten angry enough to leave in the past, I am now finding it much easier just to stay mad.  To ensure that I don't go back into the circle that was our relationship.  How can we be sad but not completely stupid about it?     

[Healing4Ever]

I'm starting to realize that I'm becoming a bit fearful of going through the grieving process, because when I feel sad and miss parts of him, or really the dreams of what I thought he would/could be, those moments are not balanced with all that was real.  And my heart opens a bit towards him, and then I feel inclined to see him... . which is part of how the whole pattern set itself up over all these years.

Having not really gotten angry enough to leave in the past, I am now finding it much easier just to stay mad.  To ensure that I don't go back into the circle that was our relationship.  How can we be sad but not completely stupid about it?     

[TippyTwo]

Healing,

For what it worth, I found grieving or feeling the sadness became easier when I was clear on what I was really grieving.

Once I understood what BPD was all about, once I could stop focusing on the fantasy of what I thought our relationship was, once I understood how a pwBPD thinks and operates, I discovered what I needed to be grieving was not the loss of them or of us. I needed to grieve the loss of me.

When the focus was back on me, the grieving made sense, the feelings were tolerable, and it was ok.

Be gentle with yourself.

[seeking balance]

I'm starting to realize that I'm becoming a bit fearful of going through the grieving process, because when I feel sad and miss parts of him, or really the dreams of what I thought he would/could be, those moments are not balanced with all that was real.  And my heart opens a bit towards him, and then I feel inclined to see him... . which is part of how the whole pattern set itself up over all these years.

For me, I so wanted to "do it right" - the grief, detachment, etc that many times I acted the way I should rather than how I felt.  Eventually, my feelings and actions caught up with each other and were aligned. 

The fact you are aware of this patter is great - awareness is the first step in changing patterns.

Having not really gotten angry enough to leave in the past, I am now finding it much easier just to stay mad.  To ensure that I don't go back into the circle that was our relationship.  How can we be sad but not completely stupid about it?     

Anger does serve a purpose - a valuable purpose.  If it is helping you stay detached so that you have more time to get out of the FOG, that is great. 

A long time ago, I heard the phrase - "anger is a mask for hurt".  Sadness will happen.  For me, I had to stay fact based and I grieved my version of the dream and not the reality of my BPD relationship.  Reality and facts kept me from "acting" on my sad feelings.

It is a process - give yourself some time to sort it all out - eventually, you will have the confidence to cry and know you are not going to pick up the phone and call him.

Peace,

SB

[Billa]

One of my biggest problems is that I'm totally lacking the anger stage, that is to say that, for much as I try (focusing on all the bad things he made), I can't manage to feel really angry with him. I feel very angry with his recycled ex, but not with him. I know that's bad, but I can't help it. Me and her knew each other and I understand that it was him who put the one against the other but, as she made a fool of me in order to help and "protect" him, I can't forgive her. While, on the other hand, it seems to me that I could forgive him for everything he did, is doing and would do... . it's insane, I'm counscious of it... .

[seeking balance]

One of my biggest problems is that I'm totally lacking the anger stage, that is to say that, for much as I try (focusing on all the bad things he made), I can't manage to feel really angry with him. I feel very angry with his recycled ex, but not with him. I know that's bad, but I can't help it. Me and her knew each other and I understand that it was him who put the one against the other but, as she made a fool of me in order to help and "protect" him, I can't forgive her. While, on the other hand, it seems to me that I could forgive him for everything he did, is doing and would do... . it's insane, I'm counscious of it... .

It is not bad - it just is where you are in the grief process.

Sounds to me like you may be in the denial or bargaining phase of grief - what do you think?

[Billa]

One of my biggest problems is that I'm totally lacking the anger stage, that is to say that, for much as I try (focusing on all the bad things he made), I can't manage to feel really angry with him. I feel very angry with his recycled ex, but not with him. I know that's bad, but I can't help it. Me and her knew each other and I understand that it was him who put the one against the other but, as she made a fool of me in order to help and "protect" him, I can't forgive her. While, on the other hand, it seems to me that I could forgive him for everything he did, is doing and would do... . it's insane, I'm counscious of it... .

It is not bad - it just is where you are in the grief process.

Sounds to me like you may be in the denial or bargaining phase of grief - what do you think?

I think you're correct, that's my opinion too. It seems I'm constantly going from one to the other, also experiencing the depression phase too. But now I'm 76 days out of my r/s so it's tough to be always in denial and bargaining, don't you believe it?