Don't know what I want or need

[LibbiAbbi]

I am a 40 year old woman. My younger sister told me today that she has been diagnosed with BPD. I've suspected BPD was a possibility for years, but I never shared that thought with anyone other than my husband and my best friend. I never really expected that my sister would seek a diagnosis so I would voice my thoughts to my confidantes when things would spin out of control with my sister, but otherwise I pushed them aside.

The diagnosis came after some very serious criminal behavior that landed her in jail and then in a substance abuse treatment facility. She was ordered to attend counseling after her release from treatment and eventually diagnosed with BPD and PTSD.

I have a background in mental health, but I am not especially well-versed in personality disorders. I feel particularly ill-equipped to help our parents and my sister's adult kids understand what BPD is and how to move forward.  I am looking for any insight that can help me.

Also, we are adult children of an alcoholic.  My sister is an alcoholic and addict in the first baby steps of recovery. My husband is a recovering alcoholic (3 years sober), and I am in my own recovery from co-dependence so there are limits to how involved I can be in my sister's issues.

[P.F.Change]

  Welcome, LibbiAbbi!

My mother has BPD. Maybe my sister, too. I understand how hard it is having this disorder in the family. I imagine alcoholism only compounds the problems.

I hear you wanting to take care of everyone else. What are you doing to take care of yourself? You mention you are a recovering COD... . do you talk with a therapist or go to AlAnon? I can tell you care about your parents and your sister's kids. But you know, they are all grown-ups. It is not your job to help them understand anything, really; they are big enough to seek professional guidance or do their own research. You can offer validation and understanding without trying to solve anything for them. They will be able to take care of themselves. All you have to do is take care of you.

How are you feeling now that your sister has a diagnosis? What are your interactions like with her these days? There is lots of good material here about boundaries, validation, and co-dependence, to name a few. Feel free to look through the lessons. We also have many other members who know what it is like to have a family member with BPD.  I hope you will keep posting. It has helped me a lot to have a safe place to share my feelings and ask for support.

Wishing you peace,

PF