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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: You understand it all, but don't want to help yourself  (Read 204 times)
Siamese Rescue
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 144


« on: May 25, 2013, 08:59:04 AM »

I'm 29 days of NC with my ex. I have read these boards, read a list of books, been to therapy. I completely understand he is a borderline and I am a codependent. I get it. I do. I understand why things unfolded the way they did. I never put up any boundaries, never walked away. Given that I do know how BPD works and I do understand that he feels nothing the way that i do, about things that were very meaningful to me, why do I not want to help myself? I honestly don't think I care whether I get better or not. I certainly don't want to put forth effort to move on and get over him. I feel like it's impossible for me to ever get over him. Do some of us just choose not to heal ? I don't feel better now than I did 28 days ago. What can I do?
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Phoenix.Rising
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1021



« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2013, 10:59:39 AM »

It sounds like you may have some apathy.  I have experienced this many times, but the key for me is to not get stuck there. 

Just the fact that you are posting about this and sharing honestly tells me that you do have some willingness to help yourself.  You are asking questions.  That is willingness. 

Do you have a therapist?  If not, many on these boards, myself included, are benefiting from that relationship.  Often a professional is able to help you move forward.
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fromheeltoheal
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2013, 03:42:21 PM »

Hi Siamese.  29 days isn't very long; when I was 29 days NC I was still thinking about her all the time, and very, very sad, although I was positive leaving her was the right thing to do.  Several months later I'd stopped focusing on her and started focusing on me, and felt a lot of fatigue and lethargy.  Friends who care told me I'd been through a traumatic experience, which I had, and I needed to just put one foot in front of the other for a while to heal further.  Having my self esteem and confidence systematically eroded by my BPD ex really took it's toll, not hard to understand now at all, and stuff like that manifests as physical symptoms, like being beat up.  Now at 9 months NC I almost never think of her, have gotten my feet on the ground again, and am enjoying relationships with people at a new level, which I thank my BPD for.  You can't hurry these things, just give yourself credit for taking the right actions for you, focus on the future, and give it time.  And have faith that it does get better, a lot better.
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Cumulus
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 413



« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2013, 04:07:39 PM »

Hi Siamese, it can feel like we will never get over them. We can become so enmeshed in their lives it feels like we leave parts of ourselves behind when we try and untangle from them.  If you don't care about whether you get better or not that may be telling you that you are depressed. Many of us are coming out of these relationships.  Unfortunately it all takes time, and I don't think very many of us wake up some morning and say there, I'm over it I'm fine now. It is a more gradual stopping and starting and sometimes even reversing process. Going to a therapist, being assessed to see if you may need medication for awhile may be something you want to consider. Some practical ideas that helped me at that time were, healthy eating and running, writing in a journal, hot baths with expensive lotions that I had never treated myself to before, and leaning on friends and family. Wishing you well.
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