I did it She's gone. Toughest moment of my life.

[jalbright]

Ok so some may know I was updating me and my Gf wBPD seperation. I helped her pack up yesterday and she moved and left this morning. As expected it been an extremely back and forth 48hrs between her absolutely melting down and expression deep hurt and then her being very angry cursing at me and say I'm basically scum of the earth. The hour up to her walking out the door was without a doubt the toughest moment of my life by far. We sobbed in each others arms and I felt sensation of such guilt and some second guessing that I was literally about to faint! She ultimately got a bit anger when finally leaving and sped off. She immediately called me sobbed and angry. I ended the call nicely.

I prey I'm doing the right thing. I know this isn't over she will be calling me all the time. I feel relived to at least get this major step over. Like I said I know I'm still in for a battle. I know I wasn't putting in the effort needed in this relationship and to help her deal with her issues. The fear in me was too great.

[tuum est61]

Our thoughts will be with you as you adjust and adapt to your new situation.  It's especially mportant to lean on the support here, your family, and any professional help.  Keep us posted.   

[jalbright]

Thanks Tuum. I just had my parents and sister over to talk to me, I'm so fortunate to have a healthy supportive family. Especially after seeing the dAmage my Ex's family did to her. Being introduced to all of this has opened my eyes wider than I ever imagined. I have a whole new outlook on mental illness.

So anyway my plan is still to go see a therapist bc there are issues I Need to work on myself and I just want to understand in detail basically what just happened with us. I hope in the end that I've made the right choice. I get upset thinking how I stopped putting fourth the sincere effort to make it work with my BPD Gf but I Also try to keep in mind that it would t have mattered and this is what I need to be happy again. One step at time I guess

[whereisthezen]

Jalbright,

 !

You deserve a big hug! So glad you have a good support system. You must be feeling emotionally drained from all of the events you just went through. I think you did great and that you may want to try to relax if possible until you see the therapist, if you can eat well, sleep well and get some exercise, try to care for yourself a bit more than normal to refuel yourself. When you go to therapy, you'll get insight or direction and a little rest before then will help you restore some energy and outlook. I know when I face challenges whether conversations or issues with my partner it takes a ton of energy. Always good to give yourself extra love and nurturing in the challenging times.

Strength and peace to you!

[jalbright]

Thanks a lot for the encouragement whereaisthezen. I certainly feel beyond drained right now mentally and physically. I think I just want to be alone for the night to relax and gather thoughts. I have to admit though I'm a little nervous as I know I'll likely miss my Gf when it come time for bed. This will take some real getting used to. Also I'd have to say I felt a little bad seeing the stories of other folks BPD partners in this forum. What I mean some had stories that were well beyond the troubles my BPDgf was doing. It had me thinking she's not that bad and I'm over reacting. However I don't feel that was a Sid way to be approaching it. At the end of the deal I feel I made a decision that was necessary for myself given my situation. I certainly hope

[whereisthezen]

Feeling lonely and second guessing the level of dissatisfaction in the relationship is normal, very normal around here. If done it myself, I am married to my H with BPD, considering divorce and have had periods of separation over the last few months, my choice. The two ok three things that help me are:

1. Get a teddy bear, sleep with the teddy bear, hug the teddy bear, get sleep, sleep is good!

2. Write a list of things down that really hurt you by your partner, events, incidents or behaviors, keep it in your pocket or wallet.

3. Write in a journal as often as you can 1 thing about you that you like, deserve, want or need. You can use self affirmations. You can write: I deserve not to worry in a relationship that my partner won't seek help for her behaviors or something similar like I am happy when I ride my bicycle though the park. Just start with one or two thoughts. In a few days you'll have enough that when you read them you will feel inspired and have strength to focus on yourself and your own needs/self-esteem. Read or write in this journal everyday, it will strengthen your perception of yourself as well as your options and outlook on your situation. I'm sure, it does that for me too

[Mark2430]

As hard as it will be, you are making a decision that is in the best interest of you and your own health... . It will be difficult in the short term and there will always be moments that you will miss her after all you loved her, but the reality is they don't love us in the same way we love them... . Everytime I have started to miss my ex I write a letter to explaining to her how much I care and then I make sure I write about all the things that hurt me and were just absolute crap... . And I never send it but I go back and keep reading it and when I read it to myself I always think "you made the right decision to move on" and then I delete the letter and I keep repeating the process I am 6 weeks NC right now and I haven't felt like writing a letter at all this week, and it seems to get easier, I think it's easier sometimes to try and look at yourself and her as a seperate couple and almost like you are watching through a window, does it look like a healthy relationship... . You can see from these boards long term is almost impossible ... . Luckily we all have each other for support... . Hang in there

[cult]

I wish, I wish, I wish I had your strength. I need to do this but I cannot. I am still too weak.     As things are going my SO is going to be the one to walk away because I just can't do it even though it is necessary.   

[jalbright]

Cult why do u say that you can't?