beating my head against the wall while having my head beat against the wall

[emotionaholic]

I am so happy I found this site.  I was just clued in by my currently ex girlfriends therapist about BPD.  I went and saw the therapist on my own a couple of days after yet another break up.  The therapist said it on the sly as to not jeopardize confidentiality and I don't think the ex has been informed.  I went to the therapist for help in making this breakup final only to find out about BPD.  After researching this disorder and having many "wow now I see" moments I am torn.

I have been with this woman off and on for 3 years.  This being break up # ? I stop counting.  Some of them were cooldown periods lasting a few days to a week.  A few were serious lasting a couple of weeks to a month or more.  Everytime a "break up" happens the relationship last longer than the time before, we actually made it to the 6 month mark this time.  I have no idea what it must be like to suffer from this disorder and to have had such a hard abusive crappy life.  She was abused by her father, her mother is in a cult somewhere on the other side of the planet, nobody in her family talks to eachother her ex husband was highly manipulative and a bid of a deadbeat, she feels very little connection from her 10 year son, who possibly has Augsburg according to her therapist, she has no friends or hobbies, she has a good job but hates it.  She did start seeing a therapist almost a year ago who I have seen with her and without her.  I go on my own to siscuss things that I can not possibly bring up infront of her.  I have seen some improvements but they are small and far between.  I find it impossible to discuss things of any significance with her.  If I calmly bring up issues she storms off in silence, if she brings up issues, typically imaginary, and I dont accept her false accusations she storms off in silence.  I have even begun to play the silent game kind of like fine you want silence here it is.  The saddest is when I have had enough and I let her have it and start yelling. I am during these times very carefull as to not call names or use "you" statements but I can be aggressive.  When this happens the beautiful woman I love is not there and I see a child in her eyes.  A child who fears her father and does not feel loved by her mother it is a sad sight like a puppy being scolded for chewing up there masters shoe.  She stands there frozen in fear and I feel horrible because I just became her father brother and ex husband.  This has happened only a couple of times and always from the blatant false accusations I am being accused of, like when I was accused of sleeping with my best friends wife because I was remodeling there kitchen or when I am screamed at that I am immature and have know idea about relationships.  I have a strong friend basis dating back 30 to 40 years and a great relationship with my family.  I did during that argument strike at her core and very angrily asked her to explain about all of her great relationships so that I could gain from her infinite wisdom.

I am at my wits end.  I get such wonderful moments with her and have never felt such a connection and partnership, which I never got in other relationships, add to it that our sons are in the same class and have been best friends for 5 years and she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met, but am on constant eggshells never knowing where she is going to attack from next. 

Learning about BPD has been a great eye opener and explains the all of the "why is she treating me like this" but it is hard as hell.  I really enjoy being with her but feel so much damage as been done and I have become the main trigger that things can never be rebuilt.  I am reminded of the classic song by the Clash "should I stay or should I go"

Thanks for being here I cant talk to my friends and family about all of this because most of them think I am crazy for sticking with her for so long.

[jrx]

When this happens the beautiful woman I love is not there and I see a child in her eyes.  A child who fears her father and does not feel loved by her mother it is a sad sight like a puppy being scolded for chewing up there masters shoe.  She stands there frozen in fear and I feel horrible because I just became her father brother and ex husband.

I just wanted to say that this is a beautiful description. You seem to have a great deal of compassion for her, while at the same time, you know your own actions towards her. That was difficult for me too. And at some point I realized that I wasn't just being painted black, I was a significant source of her triggers.

How do you feel you trigger her? A piece of advice I learned here is caution about picking up BPD traits and habits. If you search for "fleas", you'll find some great descriptions. The concept is important enough here that there's even an icon for it: ... .

[slimmiller]

I am at my wits end.  I get such wonderful moments with her and have never felt such a connection and partnership, which I never got in other relationships, add to it that our sons are in the same class and have been best friends for 5 years and she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met, but am on constant eggshells never knowing where she is going to attack from next. 

Learning about BPD has been a great eye opener and explains the all of the "why is she treating me like this" but it is hard as hell.  I really enjoy being with her but feel so much damage as been done and I have become the main trigger that things can never be rebuilt.  I am reminded of the classic song by the Clash "should I stay or should I go"

Thanks for being here I cant talk to my friends and family about all of this because most of them think I am crazy for sticking with her for so long.

I know the feeling and while it hurts to even think about, it is ALL projection. Ever hear the phrase, 'too good to be true?' This unfortunately is one of them.

I am at a point where I would much rather have a lukewarm mutually respectfull relationship rather then a fake roller coaster one.

Be good to yourself, it gets better

[emotionaholic]

I do have a high level of compassion for her as I have a high level of compassion for most people, and I do very much love her and know that she very much loves me.  As far as the triggers go they seem to be everywhere.  One of the big ones is attention.  I can listen to her for hours on the phone, but if a neighbor says high over the fence and I politely respond with a "hey I'm on the phone" I get "well by then" and hangs up.  I feel like if my 100% attention on her gets diminished to 90% even for a second That I must not care and then she is done.  Fear and jealousy are also big ones.  I have had to learn to look at her or at the ground when in public.  while driving if I look both directions before turning and a woman is crossing the street, whether attractive or not, I am accused of undressing her in my mind.

The hardest part of the relationship is not knowing if she is going to be there or not.  The silence can go on for days or weeks. one morning while she was commenting on my hair cut and asked where I got it cut I said I got it cut at great clips next to home depot.  She did not say a word then got up got in her car and left.  Apparently she made it up in her mind that I had gotten my hair cut at a stripper place ( I had no idea that strippers cut hair or that those places exist) For the record I do not visit stripper joints.  But she just leaves never an explanation just gone.  I am a very patient kind forgiving person but I am a Taurus to the definition.  I can take quite a bit and am fine in my field eating grass but once I have had enough I have had enough and it all comes out.  I am never violent, except I did smash a plate over the hair cut argument, and I only once in three years ever insulted her by calling her a bhit.  I choose my words very carefully as to not over exaggerate are be accusing.

I just don't know.  I took her things over to her apartment this morning after she left for work, except for the larger items that she needs to find a storage unit for.  I know she is hurting big time right now and wants to talk, but she cant.  I am tired of looking out the window for her to show up in tears looking like a lost puppy desperately wanting to feel loved.

[Vanillaradio]

jrandom-thank you for the fleas tip. I have a feeling I may need a flea bath.

[Vanillaradio]

emotionaholic- I am so sorry. I hope you continue taking care of yourself, building your healing and life. Mourning the loss is natural and that stage will end eventually... . but you may always be a little sad for her and that's okay. But just know you can't fix BPD, it is not within our power. Just don't take guilt that isn't yours to take, I guess is what I am saying. It sounds like you are doing such a tremendous job of evaluating your own self and behaviors. I really applaud that. I pray you will treat yourself with the same compassion you offer her. Best wishes!

[jrx]

I think your last sentence is the most important, emotionaholic. It really is about what you want. She is responsible for herself. You can present her information, and maybe she'll figure out how to improve her toolset, but I would give up the notion that you can save her from her pain. That's part of the trap we nons fall into.

The lost puppy in you knows deep down what you want. It's helpful to list the things you wish for in a relationship and how she is meeting *your* needs. After that, you have some choices to make, which is why you posted in [L2]. Lots of experience in the group. Personally, I agree with Slim in cautioning you that sometimes things are 'too good to be true'. The ups are great, aren't they? Sometimes they manage to overshadow everything else.

Vanillaradio, glad it helped you.