Introduction Post

[KatieRN51]

My name is Katie and I am a 34 year-old married nurse.  My mother (age 59) has undiagnosed BPD (I realized this after reading "Understanding the BPD Mother" at the recommendation of my mother-in-law who is a LPC).  She is a combination of the Queen/Hermit and this disease has almost destroyed her and our family.  She is estranged from her older sister due to her out of control behavior and is barely speaking to her younger sister (her only siblings).  My father does not believe that she has BPD but rather that she has some sort of physical ailment that causes the behaviors.  She was diagnosed with central vertigo secondary to encephalitis after having severe problems with her balance following a bout with we thought was the flu in early 2008.  She also has chronic pain and takes a boatload of pills including Xanax/Valium/Tylox/Nuvigil/Ambien which she often takes with alcohol to "make them work faster."  

She suffers from episodic diarrhea of an unknown etiology (colonoscopy report showed nothing abnormal) and believes herself to be allergic to gluten/dairy/almost all fruits among other things.  She has lost 60 lbs over the past year and uses a walker and occasionally wears diapers.  She terrorizes my father who now drinks too much; he takes Ambien and there have now been 3 incidents where there was some sort of violent altercation between them and the police were called twice by neighbors and once by her.  He doesn't remember what happened and  i don't know if he has ever actually hit her but I know she has scratched his face on 2 occasions because I saw the wounds myself.  

The last incident occurred in April and I received a call from a policeman whom i begged to get a social worker involved.  He said that he would and that he would have the social worker call me (I never got a call back).  Norfolk, VA (where they currently live) has a sort of mental health crisis management team and i called them once but they told me that wither the person or their significant other has to call for them to be able to do anything.  She is now so debilitated that she cannot care for herself and my father is afraid to leave her but has to work.  I would like to help her but as you well know, there almost nothing more difficult then trying to care for someone with BPD.

Her childhood was horrible-her mother was verbally and physically abusive and her father (the only parent she ever remembers hugging her or giving her any sort of physical affection) became an alcoholic when she was 9.  He became increasingly violent when she got into high school, but was successful lawyer so they were all forced to hide behind the mask of the "perfect family."  

She married my father (an Air Force pilot) at 21 against the wishes of his mother who told him that "if he married her, his days were numbered" because of her father's alcoholism.  She was an amazing mother to myself and my younger sister and the perfect military wife until my father left the military in 1993 to try to become an airline pilot.  She became severely depressed and often spoke of suicide during this time (I was 15 and my sister was 8) but seemed to get better when my father got a job with the Air National Guard.  Her spending habits were out of control during this time (my father found out that they were $40,000 in credit card debt during my first year in college) and this strained their marriage severely.  

Things really fell apart after her father's death in 1999 and then became worse after she was verbally assaulted by a neighbor who came up to her while she working in yard and got in her face and threatened her for telling his wife to drive slower in their neighborhood the day before.  She became severely suicidal and was prescribed Prozac and Xanax which didn't help.  This is when the BPD symptoms began-she began telling my father that if he continued to play the bagpipes (his major hobby since I was 11 years old) that meant he didn't care about her anymore, she forced him to get another job where he wouldn't have to go out-of-state to fly jets.  

She would call my boyfriends and lie to them to get me to come home (she has been extremely overprotective my entire life.  When my sister was senior in college, she went out of town with a friend and didn't return my mom's calls for 2 days so my mother called the college and spoke to my sister's academic advisor to see if her knew where she was, when he didn't, she called the police and talked them into going to the house my sister shared to have them.  When no one answered the door, she talked them into looking in the windows prompting neighbors to think something terrible had happened which my sister then had to explain when she came home.  

She believes that her parents-in-law (now in their 80s) are slandering her to other members of my father's family so she is talking to an attorney about suing them.  She was hospitalized in Sept 2011 after telling my sister she was going to commit suicide in their driveway-she was staying with me in SC at the time and agreed to go to the hospital.  Once she was there, a social worker came to see her and I gave her a copy of previous health history (both physical and mental) my sister and I had come up with that gave a list of her symptoms/meds.  They social worker was wonderful and said that she could share this with the admitting psychiatrist but once she was admitted to the floor, none of the MDs would speak with me because of HIPAA and no once would even tell me if that paper had made it into her chart.  She was D/C'd after 5 days with a diagnosis of ":)epression and Poor Self Care."  

There was no follow up and she went back to VA.  None of her physicians in VA even know she was hospitalized.  She has been kicked out of 2 internal medicine practices because of her behavior and yet none of the other MDs she sees even brings up mental illness as an issue, they just keep writing Rxs for benzodiazepines and pain pills.  I have attempted multiple times to discuss the BPD issue with my father who just tells me that the MDs who treated her at the hospital in SC said she definitely doesn't have BPD.  My husband and I just helped them move into a smaller place in VA and she is the worst I have ever seen her.  I don't know what to do and I desperately need any advice anyone can give me.  My sister has sent letters to 2 of her MDs outlining her symptoms/behaviors and that she believes there is a mental health aspect to all this but because of HIPAA only my father can discuss any of this with them and he refuses to.  What can I do to help my poor parents before something horrible happens?

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi KatieRN51,

I'm so glad that you reached out to us.  I'm sorry about what has been going on with your mom and dad, that is very scary.  You have come to the right place for support and understanding.

Would it be helpful for your mom if someone came in the home daily or several times a week to help care for her?  :)o you think she would agree to it?  Then there would be some eyes and ears that could not only care for her and monitor her health and well being, but also report any dangerous behavior between your parents.  I arranged this for my dad and I remember that the caregiver had to log everything she did while she was there, along with my father's state on each day.

My heart goes out to you, this is a difficult situation.  How are you taking care of yourself?  :)o you have a good support system?

We have members here who have parents with BPD and lots of tools to help your relationship.

Please keep posting and let us know how we can support you.

heartandwhole

[ScarletOlive]

Hi KatieRN51,

Just wanted to jump in on the welcoming party. I'm sorry for what brings you here. My mother has BPD too, and there are so many of us here who have family members with BPD. You are not alone. We get it.   It sounds like things are really tough, with your mother suffering from illnesses, and struggling with suicidality while juggling so many medications too. It looks like you've done some research and understand the dynamics of your family. That is really good work. It's also really great that you're seeking support for yourself while looking for ways to help your parents. How much contact do you have with your mom now? How is her depression right now?

You came to the right site for info. There's a lot of articles and workshops here that are really helpful. These links might be a good place to start:

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

Keep posting! I know you will fit here and will find lots of support from the other members. Sending you much caring for your day.

[KatieRN51]

Thank you so much for reaching out to me!  I was worried that my first post was way too long and way too scattered but after reading others i feel completely at home and relieved that there are others who know what it is to feel like you are living in an alternate universe when they deal with they loved one with BPD.  It is such a cruel disease. I have never discussed my mother's condition with anyone except family and only my sister and mother-in-law even believe that the condition is real. 

My mother does have someone who comes into the home to care for her but only when my father is away because of the cost.  I think her MDs would prescribe in-home care if my father would tell them what was really going on.  i think the key is getting him to face the truth about her mental illness.

i am very fortunate to have an incredibly supportive husband, sister, and in-laws.  I don't know how people would deal with this alone.  After reading some of the post on here, I realize how extraordinarily lucky I am.

I really appreciate the links and look forward to checking them out.

[vivekananda]

Hi KatieRN51 

I wanted to join the welcoming committee too!

BPD is a cruel disorder, isn't it? I am glad you feel at home with us, this is a safe place to learn about BPD and what we can do and talk with others who know exactly how it feels. Until I found this site I didn't appreciate how it felt to know I was not the only one. Yes, my mum was BPD too.

When I discovered BPD, everything seemed to click into place and make sense. I suspect this is so for you too. But I found out too late to be able to do anything about it in my family. I hope that for you it is a different story and that here you can find the guidance and support you need.

Please feel free to ask questions here and tell us if there is any special way we could help.

Cheers,

Vivek ananda