Lessons learned in therapy today

[Murbay]

Just had my T appointment and he had some pretty harsh and realistic things to say. He says my exBPDw is more than just that, he even puts her down as having NPD and a whole host of other issues on top of that.

My main issue right now is that I give her too much credit and not enough to myself and that is what I need to work on right now. I discussed the emotional maturity and that I felt we matched on that level because of my Aspergers and her BPD but he disagrees. Even though my emotional maturity level is just below average, I still have an understanding of where my emotions come from and how to self soothe when I feel the way I do. I just have difficulty reading those emotions in others and it makes things much harder when theirs comes from an illogical place.

His main concern for me right now is the reaching out because the majority of times they do this, it isn't from a good place. They reach out when things look good in their lives because they want us to suffer for the perceived abandonment and need us to fill that void, an acknowledgement that we are still around so they can continue to hate us for how they are feeling inside.

As for my children, I have a very difficult decision to face. Any contact I have with my children now or in the future will be controlled by my ex to feed her own feelings first. Basically to jump through hoops and to make me suffer. If I don't suffer, she would withdraw the children until I do so the children would be used in her own little game. I'm not strong enough to take on that responsibility or to turn the tables on that right now so I have to accept my loss, heal and then be in a position where I can work through effective tools to manage that.

So for now, I have to give myself more credit, stop giving her credit and understand she isn't the selfless saint she perceives herself to be and is actually a nasty, manipulative and selfish person. Not to give sympathy for the illness because in healthy people, when we are sick we do something about it in order to feel well again. Work through the pain of not having the contact with my children, but also not allowing that to hold me back. Finally, I have to be firm on NC and not fall into any of the traps or mind games she will want to play. LC is not an option right now regardless of whether the children are involved or not. Finally, I have to understand that I'm a much better person than I perceive myself to be and I have to start listening to myself more because that is the reason I have allowed people through my own boundaries and sacrificed my own health and well being in order to please others. A healthy person would never take advantage of those things.

[jmc8899]

"So for now, I have to give myself more credit, stop giving her credit and understand she isn't the selfless saint she perceives herself to be and is actually a nasty, manipulative and selfish person."

Very, VERY true! 

[flynavy]

Murbay... . you a very good therapist IMHO!... . My ex is an udBPD/NPD. I really find/found it easier to detach not because of the illness... . but the behavior/actions/ she exhibited throughout our relationship... . yes it was a relationship albeit dysfunctional!  I see her as a lying, manipulative, cold hearted, deceitful, hurtful woman.  How can I say this... . from my POV she took advantage of a man who just lost his wife to Ovarian Cancer.  She was my wifes nurse for 7 years... . not like she doesn't know what men go through after this kind of emotional trauma.  I really don't care if she is mentally ill or not.  She knows right from wrong... . I do know that that... . I choose to leave it at that... . would a sane person do what she did to any man in the same situation... . I think not.  So for me its not about the illness... . its about the effect of the behavior of the illness that makes it easier for detachment.  It is human nature to feel sorry for some one who is sick... . even though they have done unconscionable things to us.  So do not go there... . you cannot help her!  You will not detach because feeling sorry for some one who is sick is a form of attachment/love (just my opinion)... . But you can help yourself! During the early phases of detachment only think of how you felt when her behavior actions caused pain... . this will wane eventually with time as well because it just won't matter anymore... . it feels good!  It sucks really bad at first because we were really in Love... . make sure the picture of the nperson you fell in love with the person you NOW KNOW!

[flynavy]

Murbay... . I should have said you HAVE a good therapist INHO... .

[Murbay]

Thank you flynavy, it's a lot easier said than done but it is something I'm working on. It's difficult because she is the mother of my daughter and I do see her good qualities as well as her bad ones. I am fortunate in the sense that my therapist was initially my ex's therapist and in her individual sessions, she tried to convince him that I was the one with BPD. I believe he saw straight through her, but none the less, he wanted to speak to me individually too and that was the key to everything.

I really feel for your situation because what your ex did to you was totally unfair and undeserved. You are right though that in such circumstances, it doesn't matter if they are ill, they know right from wrong and that kind of behaviour is unacceptable by any standards.

For myself, it is very difficult and that's what I'm working on right now. Because of what I am (Aspergers), I have opened myself up to abuse for most of my life. I don't feel sorry for myself because I have always pushed that aside and got on with things and accept that I have different strengths and weaknesses. It doesn't make it right but as my T told me, I allow myself to stay in toxic and harmful situations much longer than I should because it is what is familiar to me.

It's also very difficult because I was always raised on the principles of treating others as you wish to be treated yourself. So regardless of how nasty people have been, I still treat others with kindness and respect and that is what leaves me open to abuse because a bad person sees through that and realises that regardless of how they treat me, I won't drop myself to their level. It's what my ex took full advantage of and why I give them more credit than they deserve.

[flynavy]

Murbay... . please take care of yourself and your daughter.  I too have been brought up to treat others like you want them to treat you.  It works with people who are able and capable of the same rational thinking that we have.  I continue to be astounded how prevalent this disorder really is!  It scares me to think my grandsons will need to be made aware of this type of disorder... . I will make sure they are aware and prepared!  I wish you all the best... . the emotional programming our exs did to us is unconscionable!  It does get better/easier.

[VeryFree]

Good thing for you!

The illness of our SO maybe is a reason, but not an excuse!

Be gentle on yourself, care for yourself.

[Mr Bean]

His main concern for me right now is the reaching out because the majority of times they do this, it isn't from a good place. They reach out when things look good in their lives because they want us to suffer for the perceived abandonment and need us to fill that void, an acknowledgement that we are still around so they can continue to hate us for how they are feeling inside.

Really? I thought when they were happy they would forget about us and not going to reach out. Unless there is something wrong with their new relationship. They want us to be around because they treat us as a backup, that's to my understanding