Almost a month since she left... and it's less confusing.

[LostSunshine]

It's coming up on a month since my ex-uBPDgf moved out of the home she shared with me and our 3 kids.  It has been tough, but i've been soldiering on focusing on myself and trying to not get caught up in her dramas.

Since she left it's become a lot less confusing to me about why she is the way she is.  I'm feeling less like it was love that kept her around and more like need.  Getting the distance has helped me detach a lot, but I still have a lot of pangs for her.  Usually when I have to see her is when I feel that way.  In defensive response to that, I have grown a bit more cold towards her, something she's been none too happy with. 

That part however is still very hard for me to grasp.  From her staNPDoint, she wishes that I would still treat her as good as I always have.  Be her "best friend" who's there for her all the time when she needs.  But I've discovered just how disjointed friendship with her has ALWAYS been.  The friendship has been so uneven, where I'm doing far more for her than she's ever extended to me.  Yeah she'll give advice and maybe listen, but most times she'd just rather not deal with me whenever i've had a rough time with stuff.

Since the move, i've noticed that her life has gotten a lot harder.  More than I think even she's bargained for.  Problem 1: a month out, and STILL no job.  Living on less than $300 bi-weekly in unemployment isn't much to live on, especially with her girlfriend footing the bill for the place to stay.  I expect the stress to continue to pile up the longer she goes without a job, and her trying to reach out for soothing sooner than later.

Problem 2: Unrealistic expectations of my emotions.  I've said already that she is expecting that I still treat her the same.  On more than a few occassions, i've gotten a clear picture of her lack of empathy for my emotional state.  She's always accusing me of being "cold and distant" when i'm really just trying to protect myself from her.

Problem 3: Lingering hooks?  Maybe i'm reading too much into it, but there have been times already where she has burst into tears saying she missed me.  I didn't fall into any recycling attempt, but only told her that I missed her as well.  However it always breaks my heart when I see her crying.  She's gotten everything she wants... . and I can tell she is miserable.  My staNPDoint?  Too bad, so sad.  She wanted this and now she has to see it through.  Hopefully she'll finally get help, but if not I neither claim responsibility nor will I coddle her if she doesn't.  Yet, I still long to love her when I see her... . why?  I know she's bad for me as she is.  Why can't I let this feeling go?  I feel like she still has some hold over me!

Some of you may wonder how i've been focusing on myself.  Well i've gone out on one date with another woman.  Nothing physical, just seeing a movie, but it was so nice to have a woman want to spend time with just me.  I had forgotten what it felt like. (It did trigger some anger for my ex though, but I think that was a healthy reaction)

I've hung out with my friends more since she left.  I've also thrown myself into improving the landscaping at my house as well as enjoying a new position that has brightened my economic future.

So I feel that I personally have so much going for me... .

... . yet I can't help looking back at this person I love who is struggling with the absolute basics and wishing I could do all I could to help her.  But I know it's not my fight.  Will I always do this where she is concerned?

-LS

[Clearmind]

Problem 2: Unrealistic expectations of my emotions.  I've said already that she is expecting that I still treat her the same.  On more than a few occassions, i've gotten a clear picture of her lack of empathy for my emotional state.  She's always accusing me of being "cold and distant" when i'm really just trying to protect myself from her.

Lost, unfortunately this is part of the disorder. Do you have family and friends you can chat to? Just so you can get things off your chest?

Problem 3: Lingering hooks?  Maybe i'm reading too much into it, but there have been times already where she has burst into tears saying she missed me.  I didn't fall into any recycling attempt, but only told her that I missed her as well.  However it always breaks my heart when I see her crying.  She's gotten everything she wants... . and I can tell she is miserable.  My staNPDoint?  Too bad, so sad.  She wanted this and now she has to see it through.  Hopefully she'll finally get help, but if not I neither claim responsibility nor will I coddle her if she doesn't.  Yet, I still long to love her when I see her... . why?  I know she's bad for me as she is.  Why can't I let this feeling go?  I feel like she still has some hold over me!

Lingering hooks will be there for a while. You were both in this relationship for a long time – with 3 children. It’s understandable.

You can care and love someone yet know that you cannot live with them.

That roller coaster ride is addictive. For me, even though I knew my was abusive I still wanted to save him – I know where it comes from. Having a father with BPD traits and an alcoholic will do that. My relationship with my ex was a mirror of my childhood – it felt like the norm.

Some of you may wonder how i've been focusing on myself.  Well i've gone out on one date with another woman.  Nothing physical, just seeing a movie, but it was so nice to have a woman want to spend time with just me.  I had forgotten what it felt like. (It did trigger some anger for my ex though, but I think that was a healthy reaction)

Great Lost! Its wonderful you are meeting new people. Be mindful of also healing from this relationship too. We have much to learn about ourselves after the break up.

So I feel that I personally have so much going for me... . yet I can't help looking back at this person I love who is struggling with the absolute basics and wishing I could do all I could to help her.  But I know it's not my fight.  Will I always do this where she is concerned?

Be kind with yourself. You have endured a lot.

And you are right – rescuing someone from themselves is exhausting and not sustainable.

How is your support network? Are you seeing the kids?

[GRosetti]

... . yet I can't help looking back at this person I love who is struggling with the absolute basics and wishing I could do all I could to help her.  But I know it's not my fight.  Will I always do this where she is concerned?

I'm very sorry to hear how you suffer so.  I sympathize deeply with this LostSunshine.  I too feel that as a purely emotional response, I will for a long time want to make things better for my ex in whatever ways I can, despite all the heartache that has happened during the r/s and after.  Rationally, I know there is nothing more I can do.  I've done everything possible to the best of my abilities and in the end, she ended up in the exact same place where we found each other... . financially, physically, emotionally, etc. 

Sometimes when I feel strongly compelled to try and "save" her once again, it helps me to remember that only she can ever make her situation better.  In fact, she is the only one that ever could.  No amount of love, understanding, commitment, or money could ever make a difference without that simple truth.

Little by little I feel better about it as days pass and I remember this.  Hopefully the sadness that we feel about our ex's current states will evolve into just compassionate thoughts of kindness and hope for a better life, even though we can not be a part of it.   I hope this will help you too.