Mom of newly diagnosed 28 yr old daughter

[Jiggsy]

I am the mom of a recently diagnosed BPD adult daughter who is 28.  She was married for the second time nine months ago. I fear the bottom may be falling out on this marriage too.  She is an attorney who was fired from her job three weeks ago.  Her firmcould press criminal charges for her actions but has decided to file for her disbarment.  Her new husband is in shock and  her family is at wit's end.

Upon losing her job, my daughter went into a tailspin, said she was suicidal, and we, her parents, took her to the hospital where she committed herself.  It was in the psychiatric ward, where she stayed for 6 days, that she was finally diagnosed with BPD.  She had been in and out of therapists offices for years for depression, anxiety, and OCD.

I am a university prof and have read lots about BPD. She has agreed to see a dbt therapist and do dbt group work.  She has attended only an in-take session with this therapist so far--

so we are at the very beginning of what looks like a long, difficult journey.

I am glad for this support group.  I am seeing a therapist as is her husband. We are trying to keep upbeat but at times, I feel utterly hopeless and overwhelmed by what is in front of us.

Is there any advise from those who have been at this early, overwhelming  stage of new diagnosis? Between learning of all her lies, distorted realities, and ways she has mistreated people, I am at a loss  trying to determine who my daughter really is and how much of what I now know is her and how much is this terrible disorder. Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Jiggsy   

Learning and accepting the reality of BPD is difficult indeed. I can relate to your story, I have an uBPD mom & sis and a few years ago my sister actually lost her job too after one of her BPD rages at work.

Everyone is different but odds are that this probably will be a long and difficult journey like you say. I do believe you're on the right track though. DBT has been helpful for a lot of people with BPD so hopefully your daughter will benefit to. It's also a very good thing that you and her husband are seeing a therapist because it's important to take good care of yourself. Often we focus all our energy on our BPD loved one while neglecting our own wellbeing.

Determining how much of it is her and how much the disorder isn't easy. People with BPD often don't have a true sense of self, they themselves don't even really know who they are. Things can get better though, you've read a lot about BPD and that newfound knowledge can help you. Setting boundaries is something that's really important in dealing with BPD loved ones.

How did your daughter react to the BPD diagnosis? Does she accept that there's something wrong with her?


Take care and stay positive!   

[Jiggsy]

Hi Kwamina:

Thanks for responding, I really appreciate it.  She said she was both scared, in some disbelief, bit also a little relieved.  She's glad to know its a disorder so maybe there is hope/help.  So she says the "right" things but of course, still acts/reacts in BPD style.  I guess that is to be expected this early in the process.

My questions for you are; can you ever learn to trust a BPD?  Sometimes she seems so lucid and self-aware and other times, she goes into total denial. How much can therapy really do with this disorder?  I wonder if I am naively hoping for miracles. With two relatives with BPD, are you forever guarded in your interactions with them?  Are either married?  I so want to see her marriage last but I'm worried it is too much to ask of any non BPD spouse.

Sorry, I'm unloading a little.  I guess I want to hear she can get better but I also know everyone's situation is different.  At least it's good she is open to help so that's a start, right?

[Kwamina]

Hi again Jiggsy,

I think only time will tell if your daughter will improve. The good thing is that she is receiving therapy and acknowledges her problems. That is something that would give me some hope. My own uBPD relatives aren’t in therapy and don’t acknowledge anything, always justifying their behavior, blaming others and assuming the role of victim so  no, I don’t trust my uBPD relatives at all. I’ve drastically lowered my expectations of them and fully expect them to misbehave. This actually makes it easier for me to deal with them. My mom is divorced and my sis has never been married.

But I believe your daughter might be different since she does acknowledge her problems and has just started therapy. It will still be difficult because BPD is a very though disorder but there definitely is hope. The fact that her husband knows she has BPD is also helpful, because now he knows what he's dealing with and can learn new ways to cope.

[plumtree]

Hi and welcome... .

[indigosky]

  I'm new as well, and I have a 30 yr old daughter with BPD. She will not ever, I suspect, get help or accept she has a problem . It sounds as if both of our daughters are high functioning. I am currently practicing detachment (very hard!) and reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells."... . when I found this book I wanted to meet others who have gone through this hell too. I'm not alone! Yay!     It's scary... . and a relief... . the acceptance part.  Now I can maybe understand why my life has been like this... .

[vivekananda]

Welcome all newbies   

You have come to the right place here. Here you are amongst people who understand, you are in a safe place   The site has excellent resources to guide us on our journey and this 'parent's board' is the best thing since sliced bread! I would like to encourage you to post often both in response to others and start your own topics to get feedback from others. It is through this process that we can get the support and guidance that is so helpful to our sanity 

My dd32 was on the surface a high achiever and then she had a big meltdown about 18 mths ago, when I first discovered BPD and this site. She has been diagnosed with PTSD and is seeing a T... . we have only spoken for about 3 hours over 3 occasions since her meltdown. But things are getting better 

Now, Jiggsy this early stage is overwhelming. You may want to blame yourself (a waste of time), blame others (a waste of time) want to fix everything up (not possible for you to do), all sorts of mixed emotions. Please feel reassured, we are here for you.

Is there any advise from those who have been at this early, overwhelming  stage of new diagnosis?

Bluntly: Rule one - take care of yourself. You are seeing a T, good. They should be able to steer you through this. Next is: understand and practice Values based Boundaries (limits) and validation. These are the two tools we use. They have depths of understanding and can be challenging for us to implement. These links might help to start with:

I don't have to make everything all better

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Between learning of all her lies, distorted realities, and ways she has mistreated people, I am at a loss  trying to determine who my daughter really is and how much of what I now know is her and how much is this terrible disorder.

It might help to think of it like a physical illness. When we suffer a physical illness, there are symptoms and there is how we deal with them. Two different things. pwBPD have learnt maladaptive coping mechanisms based on experience. For example, my daughter learnt that she could avoid facing the consequences of her actions by telling lies. My dd learnt that she could 'split' her dad and me, that if she wanted something, her dad would often let her have it... . so, she cut me out and focussed her attention on her dad. My advice is to not worry about what has happened (wasted energy) instead try to focus on the present.

My questions for you are; can you ever learn to trust a BPD?  Sometimes she seems so lucid and self-aware and other times, she goes into total denial.

The question may be instead, how can you improve the trust between you and your dd. It helps to learn to avoid being judgemental (one of my greatest challenges  ) What is helpful is to read her emotional level and understand what is happening in her mind. This is hard to do with someone like your dd I expect, someone who is accustomed to controlling her presentation. Thing is, I believe, they have a different reality to us. They see the world through their emotions and their logical mind isn't always switched on.

How much can therapy really do with this disorder?  I wonder if I am naively hoping for miracles.

There are success stories   There is hope. DBT is the standard successful therapy. The National Clinical Guidelines for the Management of BPD (Aust) was based on an analysis of the research data and was published just last month. You can download it for free. It has an assessment of the BPD treatments, pg 55:

National Clinical Guidelines for the Management of BPD (Aust)

You are lucky Jiggsy, your dd is open to treatment. DBT is intellectually challenging for those so inclined, your dd should enjoy the challenge. There is also the possibly of neurofeedback to complement DBT treatment. You may want to investigate that also.

let me know what you think, ok? Ask a million questions if you want.

and oh, a good book to read because it was written by a parent of a d with BPD, is Valerie Porr's 'Overcoming BPD' I highly recommend it. I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with all this reading, but you said you're a uni prof 


Vivek      

[pessim-optimist]

I second that welcome to you guys         



You ask good questions Jiggsy,

As for advice - keep in mind that it does seem overwhelming and confusing in the beginning.

As you learn more and your brain sorts through all the new information, you will begin to see patterns and trends rather than isolated behaviors. You will also learn to look at your dd's behavior/emotions through the filter of your new knowledge and therefore you will be able to be more effective with her and less confused and frustrated.

And - no, as long as she has not overcome BPD, you will not be able to rely on the veracity of what she is saying or how she is representing reality. If that's what you mean by trusting her. On the other hand, I have found out that understanding the disorder helps me better gauge where my sd32 is coming from and I try not to deal with the particulars but to relate to her as a person. And as trust goes - I can never trust her to behave in a consistent way with integrity, but because my new knowledge there is a variation of 'trust' that comes from factoring in her condition and her possible/probable reactions (so I am not surprised by them). It gives you a clearer picture - what to expect and what not to expect. The question is - can she trust? PwBPD are fearful and suspicious at times, so they are often distrustful.

Is there hope? Yes, plenty. There are lots of good stories. There are also lots of bad ones. The commitment and willingness to work hard on overcoming this condition is what makes all the difference. When you are overwhelmed with all the scientific reading on BPD, I would recommend a biography: "Rachel: Get Me Out of Here" - by Rachel Reiland. It's a wonderful read, and it will give you an inside look on BPD and overcoming it.

It's good that you and your dd's husband are trying to help and that you are in therapy. Family support is a big factor in the success stories.

Take good care of yourself, and keep coming back. This site is full of resources.

All the best, Pessim-Optimist

[Jiggsy]

Thanks for your wise response, PO. I am reading and taking it one day at a time.  So glad for the support of this site.  I so have to fight fixing and rescuing.  It's a daily battle for me maneuvering a balance between support and 'saving.'  Reading your suggestions really helps.  Thanks!

[Jiggsy]

Welcome all newbies   

You have come to the right place here. Here you are amongst people who understand, you are in a safe place  The site has excellent resources to guide us on our journey and this 'parent's board' is the best thing since sliced bread! I would like to encourage you to post often both in response to others and start your own topics to get feedback from others. It is through this process that we can get the support and guidance that is so helpful to our sanity 

My dd32 was on the surface a high achiever and then she had a big meltdown about 18 mths ago, when I first discovered BPD and this site. She has been diagnosed with PTSD and is seeing a T... . we have only spoken for about 3 hours over 3 occasions since her meltdown. But things are getting better 

Now, Jiggsy this early stage is overwhelming. You may want to blame yourself (a waste of time), blame others (a waste of time) want to fix everything up (not possible for you to do), all sorts of mixed emotions. Please feel reassured, we are here for you.

Is there any advise from those who have been at this early, overwhelming  stage of new diagnosis?

Bluntly: Rule one - take care of yourself. You are seeing a T, good. They should be able to steer you through this. Next is: understand and practice Values based Boundaries (limits) and validation. These are the two tools we use. They have depths of understanding and can be challenging for us to implement. These links might help to start with:

I don't have to make everything all better

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Between learning of all her lies, distorted realities, and ways she has mistreated people, I am at a loss  trying to determine who my daughter really is and how much of what I now know is her and how much is this terrible disorder.

It might help to think of it like a physical illness. When we suffer a physical illness, there are symptoms and there is how we deal with them. Two different things. pwBPD have learnt maladaptive coping mechanisms based on experience. For example, my daughter learnt that she could avoid facing the consequences of her actions by telling lies. My dd learnt that she could 'split' her dad and me, that if she wanted something, her dad would often let her have it... . so, she cut me out and focussed her attention on her dad. My advice is to not worry about what has happened (wasted energy) instead try to focus on the present.

My questions for you are; can you ever learn to trust a BPD?  Sometimes she seems so lucid and self-aware and other times, she goes into total denial.

The question may be instead, how can you improve the trust between you and your dd. It helps to learn to avoid being judgemental (one of my greatest challenges  ) What is helpful is to read her emotional level and understand what is happening in her mind. This is hard to do with someone like your dd I expect, someone who is accustomed to controlling her presentation. Thing is, I believe, they have a different reality to us. They see the world through their emotions and their logical mind isn't always switched on.

How much can therapy really do with this disorder?  I wonder if I am naively hoping for miracles.

There are success stories  There is hope. DBT is the standard successful therapy. The National Clinical Guidelines for the Management of BPD (Aust) was based on an analysis of the research data and was published just last month. You can download it for free. It has an assessment of the BPD treatments, pg 55:

National Clinical Guidelines for the Management of BPD (Aust)

You are lucky Jiggsy, your dd is open to treatment. DBT is intellectually challenging for those so inclined, your dd should enjoy the challenge. There is also the possibly of neurofeedback to complement DBT treatment. You may want to investigate that also.

let me know what you think, ok? Ask a million questions if you want.

and oh, a good book to read because it was written by a parent of a d with BPD, is Valerie Porr's 'Overcoming BPD' I highly recommend it. I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with all this reading, but you said you're a uni prof 

take care,

Vivek      

[Jiggsy]

No, no Vivek , all good stuff, and very appreciated.  I will get the book you recommended.  Thanks so much for the post. Hope your d continues to improve. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[vivekananda]

thanks Jiggsy, enjoy your reading 

Please keep us in touch with how things are ok? We all learn from each other here.

Vivek    

ps it's always two steps forward, one step back. Put in place a boundary and they push back against it.   

[pessim-optimist]

ps it's always two steps forward, one step back. Put in place a boundary and they push back against it.   

Or, depending on how new we are to the skill of boundaries and how determined our pwBPD is, sometimes it is one step forward and a slide of ten steps back   

That's how it can seem in the beginning and that's why some people give up on boundaries. Because in the beginning it is a real challenge, combined with the fact that we are just learning too... .

Randi Kreger has a good video about it:

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Secrets of Limit Setting - Randi Kreger

www.youtube.com/watch?v=85_eYftuv0k