What transpired during our court-ordered mediation

[Vinnie]

Well, the first surprise was that BPDw's lawyer fouled up badly by never even getting her a copy of my Response and Declaration. She had no idea I was asking the court to limit her parenting time to alternating weekends.  Good thing ("God" thing!) as I believe my wife would have injected some nasty lies about me to "get even" with me for documenting so carefully  her neglect as well as her lying to cover for her addict boyfriend with the DV restraining order against him.

My wife also seemed to be completely uncoached for this mediation (while my attorney did a great job prepping me).  For example, she had no pencil and paper to take notes, and she constantly interrupted the mediator and me. If were her, I would be mad as hell at my L.

The mediator (a male MFT) seemed to be moved by BPDw's hurt-puppy demeanor.  He majorly lectured me on my apparently appalling attitude for objecting to our S9 having contact with the bad guy boyfriend. The mediator made sure I knew that, a), Legally I have NO SAY regarding who my wife associates with, unless there had been a conviction of domestic violence or a sexual offense, and, b), I shouldn't view recovered addicts/alcoholics with such disdain as many of them work very hard and learn their lesson, subsequently leading productive lives.

By now I've spoken with two different attorneys and two therapists (who work with the courts), and they all agree that in this county, the best I can expect to get is 50-50 parenting time and NO injunctive relief regarding Bad Guy being with my son. The only thing I might possibly try is to threaten to force a trial in hopes that my wife would promise not leave our S9 alone with Bad Guy for say, six months.  But even if I press her and get her to agree to something like this, what good is the piece of paper?  She will do what she wants, whenever she wants, including lie to cover for BG.

[marbleloser]

OK Vinnie.I'm gonna shoot straight with you.None of them are going to be "on your side".That's why you have to fight for yourself.You may even have to fight your own atty from time to time.

(figuratively) 

You have to learn all you can about the laws,custody,parenting,etc.,, and be your own best advocate.They're already talking you into submitting to 50/50.Don't let them!

You keep their feet to the fire and keep an eye out for anything you can use.

I just went through this today.Stand up for you and your kids and nobody should fault you for it.

[Vinnie]

Marble,

Thanks for bucking me up.  

I didn't mention that the mediator also spent some time "enlightening" me, in a semi-patronizing tone of course, that our son, being 9, is old enough to have his own voice and start advocating for himself!  The example he gave was, if Bad Guy is drunk, our son should say he doesn't want to get in the car.

Another amazing contribution was when he asked if I would be placated by my wife and BG agreeing to not do drugs or alcohol during their parenting time - ha ha... . Grrrrrrrrrrr.  What a dumb arse.

[marbleloser]

9 year olds aren't old enough to make a decision like that.Mine would eat the things he's medically not able to,if it were up to him.

One thing about a mediator,they're a waste of time and money.

[ForeverDad]

Waste of time and money... . like lawyers, courts, agencies, schools and everything else it all depends on their level of expertise, perceptiveness and willingness to call it like it is.  There are exceptions.  I recall I had a good mediator, he saw mediation wouldn't work and even made comments that were firm and observant.

[livednlearned]

Oh wow. Just reading about your mediator got my blood boiling. I had the most patronizing woman as my mediator over 2 years ago. I still feel fire in my veins just thinking about how she conducted herself -- patronizing must be their preferred tone. I was trying to clarify something she said because it made no sense. Her response was to say, "I'm not your mommy, and you're not a bad little girl."

Um, I don't have issues with my mom, Crazy Mediator Lady. We're good friends (she's codependent like me  ). The mediator was clearly channeling something weird and vomiting it on me. She was the first person in this long awful process that I stood up to, appropriately and assertively. It's apparently the stuff of legend now in family law court. My L said no one ever stands up to Crazy Mediator Lady. That was one of my first big psychological steps out of codependence.

Anyway. I digress. I'm with marbleloser. Don't listen to people about the 50/50 stuff. Ask for what you believe is best for your kid and stick to it. Go to trial if you have to, you'll probably end up there anyway. That's happening to me 2.5 years after I left my ex. Everything I knew would happen, has happened, and worse. If you think your ex will be abusive and neglectful and have a terrible impact on your kid, and will do things that you can document, then go for it. Otherwise you'll have agreed to something, and then try and change what you agreed to. Better to chip your way to what you know is best for your kid, despite whether the court has a clue. They'll learn soon enough.

[momtara]

"The example he gave was, if Bad Guy is drunk, our son should say he doesn't want to get in the car."

Bad Guy is the adult, so maybe Bad Guy shouldn't get drunk and get in the car.  Why should a kid have to stand up to an adult? 

I want to find this mediator and alert the press as to what a bad job he is doing.

"Another amazing contribution was when he asked if I would be placated by my wife and BG agreeing to not do drugs or alcohol during their parenting time"

Awwww, sounds like a nice homey environment.

As a mom this turned my stomach.

[livednlearned]

The mediator (a male MFT) seemed to be moved by BPDw's hurt-puppy demeanor.  He majorly lectured me on my apparently appalling attitude for objecting to our S9 having contact with the bad guy boyfriend. The mediator made sure I knew that, a), Legally I have NO SAY regarding who my wife associates with, unless there had been a conviction of domestic violence or a sexual offense, and, b), I shouldn't view recovered addicts/alcoholics with such disdain as many of them work very hard and learn their lesson, subsequently leading productive lives.

By now I've spoken with two different attorneys and two therapists (who work with the courts), and they all agree that in this county, the best I can expect to get is 50-50 parenting time and NO injunctive relief regarding Bad Guy being with my son. The only thing I might possibly try is to threaten to force a trial in hopes that my wife would promise not leave our S9 alone with Bad Guy for say, six months.  But even if I press her and get her to agree to something like this, what good is the piece of paper?  She will do what she wants, whenever she wants, including lie to cover for BG.

I just realized I didn't zero in on something here.

In my order, it says that N/BPDx cannot drink alcohol before or during his time with S11. That is a reasonable thing to ask for. You might be able to ask that your ex and BG does not drink or do drugs before or during visits while your son is there. That is reasonable.

It is also reasonable to say that both parties agree to not cohabitate within 1 year of divorce (or something similar) until the minor child has adjusted. You most certainly can ask for rights of first refusal when your ex goes out of town or cannot be with your son for whatever reason. Meaning, if it is her time, and she cannot be with your son, then your son stays with you, not BG. It is also reasonable that the BF not stay in the home when your son is there. You might have to agree to something similar.

Of course, the two of you have to agree to this, and it sounds like she won't. My ex did because his L kept telling him it was good for S11. And N/BPDx wanted to look like a selfless dad.

You're right that the paper doesn't mean anything to people like your wife. But that paper is critical to you when you start filing motions for contempt of court. When pwBPD show that they have no regard for authority, the court starts to catch on that something is wrong here. It takes a long time, tho. That's the crappy part. But it does show. You need to be really focused on the outcome, no matter how exasperating the process is. Don't let people tell you what to expect. Focus on what you think is best. Ask Ls for case law about fathers who have won primary custody in your county, and ask them what the mitigating factors were in those cases.

[marbleloser]

Mediators have one goal in mind.Get things signed and done.They have no power,so don't give it to them.They aren't CE's or GAL's,whom you'd want to tread lightly with.Be aware that anything you sign for a mediator becomes part of the decree.Don't give away or agree to anything that you don't want to.

[Rich716]

I seem to have gone through a very similar situation. Ex-uBPD was seeing an attempted murderer who is on parole for a few more years. Prior to mediation we had a temporary custody order that prohibited BF from being around d2 and d7. This led to a flurry of activity to get letters of recommendation for the BF, that he was such a good guy. They found a family friend who called the GAL on his behalf.

When we got to mediation last year, ex had split with BF, so no keep away language was included in the parenting plan. GAL had already been swayed by the "recommendation" interference and basically told me that BF was a good guy and that I was being unfair by trying to keep him away from my daughters.

Fast forward a few months. Ex had recycled BF a few times and was splitting him black again. It an attempt to triangulate she sent her friend a letter supposedly  "venting" about how how bad BF was, how he destroyed her life and how she never wanted my daughters around him. She had this friend forward the email to BF and, of course, forwarded it to me.

Fast forward a few more months to last week. My D7 mentioned that the BF was at EX's house when her and her sister where there. She was confused, because she knows this person as mom's BF, but mom told her she doesn't have a BF. I texted EX to tell her d7 was confused and got a ton of excuses "BF was just driving by and stopped". "I can't protect daughters from random encounters with people in the world... . "

I eventually got EX to admit she has been in contact with BF again. I forwarded her the email she had sent to me saying in no uncertain terms that she did not want daughters around BF. she said that she agreed and would sign a stipulated addendum to the parenting plan.

Like someone else posted, this piece of paper won't mean anything, but just helps set a precedent if needed in the future.

Hang in there.