We are just in "limbo"- anyone experience that? No communication at all...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Our 33 year anniversary coming up.  My BPDH travels out of state very week, when he comes home on the weekends- he barely speaks to me.  It's almost a game to him- I think.  He gets up and goes somewhere, returns hours later, comes and goes- I have no idea and don't much care anymore.  Been struggling with staying or leaving for 8 yrs?  I'm beginning to feel I have a problem.  I was ready to leave last year, I'd had it with the raging and the silent rages.  Then he made efforts; went to psych, therapist.  Took miracle meds.  Made huge strides.   Well , now. He's sliding back to his old self.   Although no rages (he knows I won't tolerate that any more), but the very passive/ aggressive behaviors.  He admitted a few weeks ago that he hasn't taken his meds for quite awhile,  almost bragging about it.  This past 8 years has been emotionally exhausting and I am pondering how much more time I really want to spend in this dysfunctional relationship.  It's hard after this long to walk away- but his never-ending game-playing is getting so old.   Has anyone out there struggled with this?   I would love to hear from someone else's perspective.   

[TXwoman]

Our 33 year anniversary coming up.  My BPDH travels out of state very week, when he comes home on the weekends- he barely speaks to me.  It's almost a game to him- I think.  He gets up and goes somewhere, returns hours later, comes and goes- I have no idea and don't much care anymore.  Been struggling with staying or leaving for 8 yrs?  I'm beginning to feel I have a problem.  I was ready to leave last year, I'd had it with the raging and the silent rages.  Then he made efforts; went to psych, therapist.  Took miracle meds.  Made huge strides.   Well , now. He's sliding back to his old self.   Although no rages (he knows I won't tolerate that any more), but the very passive/ aggressive behaviors.  He admitted a few weeks ago that he hasn't taken his meds for quite awhile,  almost bragging about it.  This past 8 years has been emotionally exhausting and I am pondering how much more time I really want to spend in this dysfunctional relationship.  It's hard after this long to walk away- but his never-ending game-playing is getting so old.   Has anyone out there struggled with this?   I would love to hear from someone else's perspective.   

[patientandclear]

Not with my BPDex but with my exH, yes.  He was very damaged and damaging.  I stayed for years -- 14, not 33, but still -- out of loyalty, hope, desire to save/fix, whatever.  Finally there was an event in front of others that was so awful I couldn't look anyone in the eye if I stayed any more.

That was 6 years ago.  Ironically, our r/s is much better now (friends & co-parents) and he is much better now, but only because I completely withdrew & left him to himself.  I stopped being the excuse, the whipping post, the source of all that happened with/to him.

I know BPD is different and maybe it precludes improved dynamics as friends and co-parents after ending a r/s, but it was still eye-opening to me that the only way our situation was going to get any better was for me to be gone and to detach completely from what was going on with him.

[SadWifeofBPD]

only because I completely withdrew & left him to himself.  I stopped being the excuse, the whipping post, the source of all that happened with/to him

this is where I'm at as well.  No contact.  I was tired of being blamed for everything,  Now when he locks his keys in the car (or can't find them), he only has himself to blame. 

When I recently went on our Auto Club online acct to book a trip, I saw that he had to have AAA come out 3 times within one week to unlock his car (keys inside).  In the past, he would have somehow blamed me, or at least raged at me later to be the target of his annoyance.

I do wonder what he's doing with his anger now.  Who's the new target?   I'm hoping it's his family because they have been grossly misled (they live out of state).  They need a reality check so that they'll stop enabling him thru phone calls and emails. 

[whatisthetruth]

babe, im living in limbo.  literally.  my x/partner... . she seems to have total control of whether we are in this relationship or not.

im staying in the home's cottage unit, BUT have been separated from the home and the kids. my stuff is in the cottage. she has extracted every single piece of anything that belongs to me out of the home - except of course for the pots and pans and plates i bought recently.  she doesn't even know how to use those things... . i am the chef in the family.

she has been playing what i call the "yo-yo effect game" with me - the constant come here, abide by my every whim and demand, take my cruelty or be banished game.

she stonewalls communication when i am just trying to get clear with her so i understand the friggin rules and can live by them. 

She is away overnight with god knows who... . she says alone but has a history of having lovers all over the world with random sex in the picture... . so i have no way of knowing what is really going on with her.

just this morning i told her i need to know what the "unspoken expectations" are and i need the "invisible rules to be made visible"... .

of course me asking for the above is far too oppressive for her - she lives in the land of the nebulous... .

so my even asking her for her to communicate her wishes and desires is "bad".  i mean how dare i?

so yeah, limbo i am in.  and clearly angry about it.

and accepting the madness... . doesnt mean im going to stay in it... . but the more i am around these boards the more im getting this  is all par for the course.

you know just the other day she said to me that she prefers more "accomplished" men.  I am an executive chef who externed in italy mind you... . i am no slouch.  Well educated.

but she has a way of making me feel that she has one foot out the door looking for a better opportunity.

i have given her so much - and her kids.  it breaks my heart to know that my best will never be enough and that if i were to remain with her given she is uBPD... . that i would have to accept ALL the fault every time for everything.  That i'd almost have to betray my own inner knowing and accept her constant criticisms by silencing myself. even when i know its wrong or hurtful.

[TXwoman]

Thanks so much for sharing your stories, I guess misery really does love company.   I am sorry that you are both going through these difficulties, if they didn't change every day, it would be easier to make the decision!   

[Vanillaradio]

TXWoman- I cannot imagine what you gone through for 33 years!

My heart breaks for you!  Even his genetics are not in his control his behavior and choices are always in his control as far as taking meds and getting help.

Your help and support are a blessing when they are met with an equal measure of honest effort and the taking of responsibility. If that is not there, then you are tolerating what you should never have to tolerate and teaching him how much you value yourself and therefore how much he can value you.

Hard questions i am asking myself lately-You have given how many years to his happiness and doing the right thing. How many years have you given to your happiness? Where do you fit into your own life? What do you do to strengthen, nurture and care for you? Life goes to quickly. You deserve to live a life of peace, health and joy. Misery loves company but is that the company we really want to keep? I can feel compassion for someone and their sad road of wrong choices but I do not need to travel it with them.

If he is boasting about being off his meds, he has stated he is not going to take responsibility. Your obligation of support ends at that point. Give to yourself and to your own life ALL that energy you have been giving to him.

Once again, I think it is so sad how often good people are devoured by this thing. I do feel sorry for those afflicted and when they take responsibility it can be a life-changer... . but ONLY when they take responsibility. I send you many good wishes and I hope you can grab yourself some peace and health. It sounds like you have earned a good life many, many times over.

[Vanillaradio]

Whatisthetruth- What a bad situation and how very badly you are being treated. Like a pet or object of whim. It is so disrespectful and belittling. I plead with you to run as if from a burning building. If she will not acknowledge she is BP and will not get help, nothing will ever change for you. No one should tolerate that treatment.

I fell sorry for her kids. Everything I have read by adult children who were raised by BP parents is just tragic. I hope their family, their dad, the state will do something to help them.

Take care of you! Build your life! Get help for yourself, mourn, heal and then I pray you will get some freedom, peace, health and joy.

[ComoLu]

TXWoman, my uxBPDH abandoned our family shortly after our 32nd anniversary.  In the divorce papers he filed last year, he stated that he had decided to leave a week before our anniversary.  He didn't tell me until 9 wks. later.  He too travelled for work, eventually taking a job out of state and coming home for a week every month.  I was clueless about BPD until after he left.  I just thought he was under a lot of stress from work and prone to anger.

Turns out he changed his state of residency, accepted a new job, and started living with another woman... . all before he told me he wanted a divorce.  He had also opened a new personal bank account and started diverting part of his paycheck to it 18 mos. before he left.  When he opened that new account, I had just shattered my ankle and had to have surgery, but he was "too busy at work" to come home for me.

There is so much more to my story, but I don't want to bore you.  My point is this... . look out for yourself.  Protect your finances, your children/family, be proactive.  Whether you want to stay with him or not, he may not leave you options (mine didn't), and you need to be prepared for any eventuality.  Document everything.  Take control of your life.  Don't wait for him.  He has taken enough of your life and time and energy.

I have been divorced for 2 mos. now.  We have been apart for 2 yrs.  I am not happy, but I am getting stronger, and I am in a much better place.  I never wanted a divorce and would have done anything to work on my marriage.  He asked for the divorce and tried to control me without actually taking legal action.  I forced him to take responsibility for his actions and pushed for the settlement.  I had to... . I couldn't live in limbo forever.  You shouldn't either.  Whether you stay or go, take care of yourself and do what you need to do to be in a better place.

[TXwoman]

Vanillaradio and Comolu-   Thank you so much for your insight into this.   I have a Masters degree in Healthcare, and I read my description of my life in recent years (past 7 have been the worst!) and I would tell anyone else to RUN and get out ASAP- but when you are in the situation it is so easy to make excuses for them, feel sorry for them  and give them the benefit of the doubt AGAIN!   But I'm getting very close to giving him the ultimatum- get on those meds, STAY on them or I am gone.  He is so adept at being pissy and playing victim and making me the bad guy- and ironically, he says that I do that to him!  Our kids are grown and they know how rough this has been and what an a- hole he can be- none of them would be the least bit surprised and at least a couple of my friends would say its about time.   It's still hard to "go there".   I feel like I am on a ledge , poised to jump, can't see the bottom- it could be a bed of rose petals or a pool with alligators- maybe I'm being over dramatic.   Our therapist has come right out and told me that the only way my life will change is to break the "victim - rescuer- persecutor" cycle.   He is so right.   Thanks for giving me some clarity!

Txwoman

[TXwoman]

Whatisthetruth- so sorry for your situation.  I don't have the infidelity issue, but, that would certainly be a game-breaker for me.  But, I don't have young kids either.  Sound like you are making monumental sacrifices.   I always remember something I learned on these boards-----"the only way to win at this game, is to simply NOT PLAY".