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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: You Have to be Comfortable  (Read 634 times)
Findingmysong723
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« on: June 01, 2013, 04:38:44 PM »

My Ex Boyfriend (undiagnosed borderline) would mention a lot about me not being comfortable with him. For example, he would tell me that when I would walk into the apartment ( I had a key) kinda nervous or awkward like, basically I wasn't acting like it was my place too. I admit that with all the push and pull in the relationship it was hard to know how I should act a lot of the time. It seemed like I had two distinctive feelings, which were the feeling that we were building a future together and spending time in "our place" or I was just a girlfriend hanging out at "my boyfriend's place." I felt like I was comfortable at times and acted accordingly, I mean I did things I would only do when I was comfortable. My Ex had anxiety issues though, he was taking medication up until the end of our relationship, so I think with his issues with anxiety and the anxiety I would feel with his behavior at times, it made things harder as well. I think his anxiety made him think things weren't "right," whether that was the case or not. Just curious if anyone noticed this with their exes?
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Sango216
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« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2013, 08:41:21 PM »

That's interesting.  I noticed once, but I don't think we were actually around one another enough for it to happen often.  He made a huge deal out of a silly movie theater incident.  He wanted to put his arm around my waist as we watched the movie, only it was awkward because his arm was between my back and the seat.  I asked him to move his arm and he asked me "Why are you acting like you don't want me to touch you?"  I told him that I really didn't mind if he touched me, and that I'd love to hold his hand or something, but he insisted that the reason I asked him to move was because I was uncomfortable with him.  At one point he sort of pushed me away over into my own seat and looked at me playfully as if to say "Get away from me if I can't touch you the way I want to."  Then minutes later he pulled me back.  Wow.  He actually did a literal "push/pull" move there, huh?

Even after the date was over he asked me about it.  He sort of got into my head and made me think that I really was uncomforatble with him when in reality I wasn't.  That's when I decided to be open with him about something that happened in my past and why it may seem like I have an issue with people touching me.  Sometimes I feel like he helped me realize things about myself that I didn't know before, but then again I don't know if these things are really true, or they're just things he made me believe.
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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2013, 10:24:11 AM »

Hi Sango,

Yea, I think your ex probably felt rejected, because they are very sensitive to even unintentional slights. I think they feel uncomfortable with themselves, so they put the blame on us and accuse us of being uncomfortable.

I admit that I hadn't been in a relationship in awhile before my ex, so yes I could be awkward at times. The awkwardness was basically because it was a new relationship and trying to learn how to be together as a couple. However, in a "regular" relationship we would continue to grow closer and the awkwardness would most likely fade. However, with someone who is so uncomfortable and dislikes themselves so much it's like it doesn't matter how comfortable you think you are, they will make comments that will make you second guess it.

I noticed my Ex would be very specific about how he wanted to be romantic/sexual a lot of the time, it's almost like if we didn't kiss or do a certain position or something I was messing up his "game" or something. I feel like his confidence would be shaken and then he wouldn't want to continue. Also, I'm sure it was a control thing as well.

My Ex's self esteem hurt us in the physical department, I also had/have my own issues with my body but when I'm in a secure relationship that goes away a lot. I feel like he would use the excuse that we weren't compatible enough sexually etc, but I believe the issue was more that he couldn't let himself being truly intimate with me. We had good times sexually together, but it's like he would forget about that when he wasn't feeling secure. My Ex did tell me that I made him feel better about his body but obviously until he feels okay wouldn't of gotten any better! Ah, in reality I loved him and loved his body and I wanted to be with him, but he couldn't accept that I believed it so it was never going to work!

Wow, I just starting flowing... . didn't mean for this to get this long. Not sure if anyone will read this, but hey venting is always good too!
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Sango216
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« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2013, 01:13:35 PM »

Hello again Findingmysong723!

I think you're right!  He really took it to heart even though it wasn't a huge deal at all.  It was just awkward having his arm there.  He was terrible at covering up his insecurities.  Towards the end of our relationship, he started working out a lot.  He told me "I'm going to get in even better shape.  You're going to love my body."  I told him "I don't really care about that.  I was never attracted to you for your physical features.  It was mostly your personality."  In retrospect, that seems sort of rude.  Gosh.  I didn't mean for it to come out that way though.  I guess it doesn't matter now. 

We got into a few arguments over jealousy too.  I admitted to him that I do get jealous.  He said to me "I don't.  I know where your heart is.  I have nothing to worry about."  Okay, so you aren't jealous, yet you get super upset because a male friend of mine sent me a funny photo of himself? 

Excerpt
However, in a "regular" relationship we would continue to grow closer and the awkwardness would most likely fade. However, with someone who is so uncomfortable and dislikes themselves so much it's like it doesn't matter how comfortable you think you are, they will make comments that will make you second guess it.

Yes.  They really do!  It's like they accuse you of being "uncomfortable" so many times that eventually you begin to believe that you are, or that you're doing something to make them think that.  In reality, they're the ones who are interpreting it that way.  I definitely think it was a control thing too.

Excerpt
My Ex did tell me that I made him feel better about his body but obviously until he feels okay wouldn't of gotten any better! Ah, in reality I loved him and loved his body and I wanted to be with him, but he couldn't accept that I believed it so it was never going to work!

It reminds me of a teenage girl with low self-esteem.  No matter how many times her parents and friends tell her she's pretty, she'll never believe it.  They won't believe it until they see it for themselves.  Please don't apologize.  Haha.  Let it out! 

:D
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stop2think
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« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2013, 02:59:06 PM »

My Ex Boyfriend (undiagnosed borderline) would mention a lot about me not being comfortable with him. For example, he would tell me that when I would walk into the apartment ( I had a key) kinda nervous or awkward like, basically I wasn't acting like it was my place too. I admit that with all the push and pull in the relationship it was hard to know how I should act a lot of the time. It seemed like I had two distinctive feelings, which were the feeling that we were building a future together and spending time in "our place" or I was just a girlfriend hanging out at "my boyfriend's place." I felt like I was comfortable at times and acted accordingly, I mean I did things I would only do when I was comfortable. My Ex had anxiety issues though, he was taking medication up until the end of our relationship, so I think with his issues with anxiety and the anxiety I would feel with his behavior at times, it made things harder as well. I think his anxiety made him think things weren't "right," whether that was the case or not. Just curious if anyone noticed this with their exes?

Hi Findinmysong,

Mine was a LDR throughout (1.5 yrs).I have always felt a mixture of fear and discomfort when I was with him, particularly at his place. My exbf is undiagnosed too, and I learnt about BPD/NPD 4 months after the breakup when I was lost and shocked by the sudden demise of the r/s, trying to find answers to all the q's and confusion I was left with.

I can totally relate to your experience,  he always pointed out how silent and disinterested I was with him in comparison to my bubbly and yappie person I was. How I enjoyed partying or 'being myself' with my friends.  I couldn't be myself as when I tried to he would pass judgements of what I said or have his anger outbursts about my opinions and being a carefree person.  I gradually expressed less of myself or my  thoughts - that's when I was changing myself to please him, to avoid arguements. Hence began loosing sight of who I was.

He complained and picked fights till the last day that I never made him feel important,  and enjoyed being with my friends more. No matter what I did, it was not good enough. Until today I miss being that fun, bubbly carefree person I was.
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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2013, 04:44:55 PM »

Thanks Sango,

I'm a talker anyway, but with stuff like this I tend to go on even more ha!

It's funny (not haha but you know) that we basically have similar insecurities as our exes but they can't get past their own insecurities to be able to accept ours.

My Ex Boyfriend wrote me a letter once, which he opened up about the issues he wanted to work on in our relationship. He did mention things he needed me to do but most of the letter was about his issues that he wanted to work on to make our relationship better. He even admitted that he took out his own insecurities out on me, basically admitting to projection. However, that was the last time I felt like he was trying to work on our relationship, after that even when he apologized he would basically say in some many words is " I wouldn't of said or done that if you didn't do this."

Also, in that letter he admitted that he didn't like when I was awkward and shy it reminded him of himself. My Ex said he wanted me to be able to breakthrough and grow and be the best person I could be. Sounds all great in theory, he wanted that for himself as well. As they say, most people hate or dislike issues in other people that they see in themselves. It's so hypocritical but they have a disorder that won't let them see it.
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Findingmysong723
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« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2013, 04:54:55 PM »

I hear ya Stop2nthink,

I couldn't be myself a lot of the time either, but he would always complain that I wasn't myself. I remember at the end of our relationship he said something like, I want to know the real "my name," but you just show me who you think I want "my name" to be. It's like really, then why do you tell me that everything I do is wrong and expect me to be myself... . come on! I think maybe he was also projecting with that comment, basically saying that he wanted to be the real him but he could only show me what he thought I wanted.

I just wrote another thread, about my ex contacting me. I haven't been in contact with him for months and he texted me out of blue last week, I didn't respond. Then he wrote back today telling me I was being f**kin childish if I was ignoring him and that he didn't want that kind of person in his life. Then he sent me an email saying he was deleting my #. Seeing him react like this validates my feeling that he is not well, and that he has emotional issues. So, really there was nothing I could do to make our relationship work!
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Sango216
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« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2013, 06:40:21 PM »

Findingmysong723:

I don't mind at all, and you're right!  We do have similar insecurities.  Wow.  I'm shocked that you even got that.  I would've killed to have my ex own up to being even slightly insecure.  He always put up this front as if he was the most confident guy out there.  Sometimes I think I saw some things in him that I didn't like about myself... . like being overly critical.  I find myself being that way now with others and I don't like it because it reminds me of him.
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