On the Verge of an Emotional Breakdown

[BPDdaddy]

Hi, I've posted here before hoping to save my marriage at the time, but things have really deteriorated since then.  Through the law school semester that I just finished, my son ended up in the hospital for pneumonia, I traded out my truck for a car so as to satisfy the car provision in the mediation agreement my wife and I struck before she really became bitter (which is the only way that I could get her to remove her name from the bank account before she entirely broke it), and I have now moved three times in the last week (out of a student apartment I shared with a friend, into the original town home that I breached lease on because I no longer had the money, and into a sublet that I am staying at until my next lease begins on the 6th).  I didn't have custody for more than one weekend before she filed false CPS allegations and a family protection order, also on false premise.  She has done this because I have insisted that we only speak to each other through email, which doesn't allow her to unload all of her unresolved emotions on me--lo and behold, 2 weeks later, she unloads on me through the court system.  There are so many other things that she has done to keep the chaos constant, and I think I am nearing an emotional breakdown.  I don't have enough time between the chaos that she brings to focus on the work that I am doing this summer as a public defender, and she is bringing it before I can become settled (all my things are, essentially, packed away in storage until the sixth).  To make matters worse, outside of work, everyone that I know is from the law school, and they all pack up and move away for the summer to pursue their various career opportunities.  Because I am from San Diego, my entire support network outside of this is out there.  As she is working to alienate the children from me, and because this makes my son so much harder to work with when he is with me, I need to know whether it is advisable to call a leave of absence from the school and go back to San Diego and regroup after I beat the false temporary protection order on Monday in court.  It would make at least my ability to finish law school and pay down the massive debt that I am now left with (she was a compulsive spender, and the costs to hire a lawyer to defend against these charges has only made matters worse) more likely.  I am wondering if anyone who has been in my situation has done this and still had a leg to stand on in the custody hearing. 

[mamachelle]

Because I am from San Diego, my entire support network outside of this is out there.  As she is working to alienate the children from me, and because this makes my son so much harder to work with when he is with me, I need to know whether it is advisable to call a leave of absence from the school and go back to San Diego and regroup after I beat the false temporary protection order on Monday in court. 

It would make at least my ability to finish law school and pay down the massive debt that I am now left with (she was a compulsive spender, and the costs to hire a lawyer to defend against these charges has only made matters worse) more likely.  I am wondering if anyone who has been in my situation has done this and still had a leg to stand on in the custody hearing. 

BPDdaddy,

I am very concerned about your child. I remember your other posts detailing possible neglect. If taking a break will help all around then please do. With such a little one that has been so ill, I think it is important you get as much visitation and possibly custody.

I think you should hire an attorney immediately.

Please hang in there and keep posting.

mamachelle

[marbleloser]

I'd say take the break as well.This is life and a child involved.As far as CPS,did they find anything or have they not started an investigation yet?What reason does she have for a PO? She'll have to prove it in court.Make sure you record everything,every time you're around her from here on out.

You did nothing wrong requesting email only.I just did the same thing.Don't worry about the debt.It's marital and she'll have to pay half.

Right now,you need to focus on  getting the false charges dismissed.Once that's done,file charges on her for false allegations.You're entering high conflict divorce.These types of things are common.

[livednlearned]

Hi, I've posted here before hoping to save my marriage at the time, but things have really deteriorated since then.  Through the law school semester that I just finished, my son ended up in the hospital for pneumonia, I traded out my truck for a car so as to satisfy the car provision in the mediation agreement my wife and I struck before she really became bitter (which is the only way that I could get her to remove her name from the bank account before she entirely broke it), and I have now moved three times in the last week (out of a student apartment I shared with a friend, into the original town home that I breached lease on because I no longer had the money, and into a sublet that I am staying at until my next lease begins on the 6th).  I didn't have custody for more than one weekend before she filed false CPS allegations and a family protection order, also on false premise.  She has done this because I have insisted that we only speak to each other through email, which doesn't allow her to unload all of her unresolved emotions on me--lo and behold, 2 weeks later, she unloads on me through the court system.  There are so many other things that she has done to keep the chaos constant, and I think I am nearing an emotional breakdown.  I don't have enough time between the chaos that she brings to focus on the work that I am doing this summer as a public defender, and she is bringing it before I can become settled (all my things are, essentially, packed away in storage until the sixth).  To make matters worse, outside of work, everyone that I know is from the law school, and they all pack up and move away for the summer to pursue their various career opportunities.  Because I am from San Diego, my entire support network outside of this is out there.  As she is working to alienate the children from me, and because this makes my son so much harder to work with when he is with me, I need to know whether it is advisable to call a leave of absence from the school and go back to San Diego and regroup after I beat the false temporary protection order on Monday in court.  It would make at least my ability to finish law school and pay down the massive debt that I am now left with (she was a compulsive spender, and the costs to hire a lawyer to defend against these charges has only made matters worse) more likely.  I am wondering if anyone who has been in my situation has done this and still had a leg to stand on in the custody hearing. 

Divorcing a pwBPD is very likely the hardest thing you will do in your life. The BPD issues plus family court is no picnic. I understand the dilemma with school -- I'm in a Phd program and wish I had deferred a year so I could focus on my son and dealing with custody/divorce. If you can take a leave of absence, I would do it. Your kid is going to fall through the cracks and your stbx is more than likely going to escalate the drama, not decrease it.

The order I would do things in:

1. Talk to your advisor about taking a leave of absence.

2. Get Splitting by Bill Eddy and read it 10 times.

3. Get Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak to help deal with the parental alienation. You're at risk of having no r/s with your child if you don't learn some techniques to offset it.

4. Get an attorney who is familiar with high-conflict divorces. If you Google "parental alienation" or "high-conflict divorce" you'll probably find attorneys who have been down this road before. Ask them if they have had cases like yours and how they handled them. Consult with 2 or 3 until you find someone you can work with.

5. Post here often and take the advice people give you. There is a fairly good chance you will self-sabotage during this initial stage because you're still thinking like the person you were when you got involved with your stbx. That thinking is dangerous to you and your child. People here have been there and done that, and will see it in your posts, and can help you avoid traps in your thinking until you start to heal from this mess and can begin to think clearly on your own.

You need a strategy, BPDdaddy.

[Matt]

"Splitting" is excellent - tons of practical stuff.  You could also check out Eddy's web site, www.highconflictinstitute.com.

Ditto ":)ivorce Poison".

One really good idea I got here, when I was more-or-less where you are, is to look for three sources of support:

Family and close friends probably can't understand all you're going through, but they can support you.  Spend as much time talking openly with them as you can.

Peers (like your friends here!) who are dealing with some of the same stuff can give you really good ideas and insights, as I think you're getting on this thread.  Keep engaging here where you will know we understand.

Finally, find a counselor for yourself, not to treat any "problem", but to help you process stuff and find practical solutions.  As an example, my counselor helped me understand that my depression was the result of stress - more stress than I realized I was under - and one way to deal with it was to very consciously and skilfully manage each source of stress.  If you can find a good counselor for yourself, and see him regularly - I started out weekly, then tapered off when things were going better - that will help you a lot I think.

Finally, I would strongly suggest regular cardiovascular exercise.

[momtara]

Pretty busy now but I have seen your posts before and I want you to know that it gets better.  Treat yourself to something - even five minutes to just enjoy a dessert you enjoy (or is that only something women do?)  You are obviously a great dad who cares a lot.  You WILL be ok and so will your son, but stay on him, don't do anythign that will make you look bad or worse when it comes to custody, and I will check in when I have more time later.  ((HUG!))

[BPDdaddy]

Everything was dismissed a week ago, the Guardian at Litem stating that the temporary protection order should have never issued in the first place, and the CPS worker dismissed the allegations, and also pointed out that I should keep a very detailed record because in cases like these, it is not uncommon for the other person to allege even more in the future. Though it was all dismissed, however, I almost feel that the trauma of the almost weekly chaos that she unloads on me has given me what feels like it might be PTSD.  The amount of time and energy I have had to sink into just calming down the  chaos has been enormous, taking away from my ability to be present and focused on other aspects of my life.  I wake up in a cold sweat if my phone buzzes in the middle of the night because subconsciously, I think, my mind believes that it will be another unavoidable chaos-bringing phone call from her. 

While I am amazed that I was able to pull decent grades this last semester through all of this, I am now having a really hard time with the disruptions that this all is causing to a summer where I am trying to establish myself in the area through an internship--which isn't very stable in the first place due to the fact that I have been pursuing a public interest career--and the fact that all of my friends are law students who leave the area for the summer.  Dealing with all of this without a support network, essentially, and while trying to establish a career path that doesn't have a clear route is why I think it has suddenly began to take its toll.  Trying to be the peacemaker in this situation is beyond draining.  I'm hope that finishing the move into my new apartment tonight will help to stabilize things for me, since I will finally be able to unpack my suitcases and find my running shoes, but right now I feel like I am at the end of my rope. 

[momtara]

Daddy.  PLEASE hang in there.  You have been through a lot but as you can see, in the end, people trusted you and not her.  Make sure you keep journals and records of what these people told you, including CPS.

I am worried about you because you have mentioned several times how emotionally hard this is.  Can you see a therapist who can put you on something to calm you down?  Courts don't look negatively upon parents taking care of themselves during a divorce. 

You seem like such a sweet person and so good at holding everything together before - but no one is superhuman.  The world needs you, and you will have such unspeakable happiness someday, so I want you to please try not to give up or break down.  Maybe take a day and go to a spa or play a sport or just do something that makes you feel a little bit good. 

I have been through the worst of the worst but I knew there was always hope, and there IS.  I don't even think about the things I was devastated by anymore.  There is so much goodness to come.  It is a shock to your system to be painted black by someone you loved, to go through all this.  You need to feel good and stable and the other stuff will fall into place. 

Are ALL your friends really leaving?  Maybe this is a time to forge new friendships there, with those who are staying and looking for others to bond with.  Maybe look in the paper for a support group in your area for divorce, or start one. 

Hang in there!

[Matt]

This is about stress management, and I want to repeat my suggestion that you very actively seek those 3 sources of support:  family and close friends, peers (like here), and a professional (like a counselor).

Let me give you an example of how it worked for me.

For background, over the course of a few months I experienced the following:

* My marriage melted down completely;  my wife acccused me of violence;  I was arrested and charged with assault.

* I separated from her and never spent another night together (after 10 years of marriage).

* My 4 kids all showed huge signs of stress and I needed to spend a ton of time and energy supporting them.

* My adult son went to prison for felony DUI;  then rehab;  then jail;  then rehab again;  then jail for felony charges which led to a 7-year sentence.

* Both my parents died, my mom under unusual circumstances and very unexpectedly.

* My brother, married to a woman with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, cut off all contact with me and the rest of the family.

To say I was under stress would be very mild.  I broke down and cried uncontrollably more than once.

My counselor - not a Ph.D. psychologist but an MSW (Masters Social Work) - a pretty common-sense guy - I thought he didn't have much of a plan and seemed to be unfocused.  But he was dumb like a fox.

For the first few sessions he just let me talk about whatever - asked some leading questions - it took several sessions for all the above to even come out - some of it I didn't even mention at first.

All the time, he was observing me, and noticing what subjects caused me to tense up, and which ones caused me to relax.  Then he told me what he had found:

"You are under so much stress, you need to isolate each subject and only think about it one time each day.  Set 9:00 to 10:00 as your time to worry about your son, and 10:00 to 11:00 as your time to grieve your parents, etc.  When the kids come home, give all your attention to them.  No news on TV -  more music."

And the most brilliant thing he said:  "You relax when you talk about baseball.  It makes you happy.  So put a baseball on your desk at work - another one in the kitchen - another one by your bed - another one in the car.  Make sure there is a baseball in your field of vision as much as possible.  It's an icon for you."

Plus a bunch of other stuff (and lots of cardiovascular exercise).  It helped - not magic but over time it helped.  Simple, practical stuff to deal with what I was dealing with, and manage the medical problem of stress.

If you can find a common-sense counselor like that it may help a lot.

[BPDdaddy]

I feel like I am in a completely unwinnable situation momtara.  I would love to get out in the area and focus on myself, but the lack of money that I have makes this impossible--the only spending I do is for the kids, who I have had to buy entire new wardrobes for this last weekend when I realized that, after moving into the sublet, she had taken all of their decent clothing.  Working the PD internship was fine last summer because when things were slow, I could surprise my family and get them out for a trip to a Civil War battle ground, or something interesting, but now I return to this immense void and, again, the money issue worries me.  As I was planning to do before the chaos hit, most students seek opportunities outside of the area where the law school is because the opportunities are greater elsewhere.  I am applying to anything and everything that is paid right now just to see if I can get something going on that front that will allow me to take my focus off the current mess and focus it on work, but if I can't drum something up, I think it may be time for me to leave the area and return to San Diego at least for the summer.  I feel that I overcame some serious unwinnable situations during the law school semester, but that she has caused enough chaos to where anything that I could get going during the summer has vanished (the two interviews that I had for internships that would have been more structured were disrupted when my son ended up in the hospital at the same time back in February).  While I am afraid that leaving the area might mean that I may lose my connection with my kids forever--who knows what spontaneous choices she would make if I left the area (email contact is really the only way I would know how to reach her now)--at some point I think that you have to try to take care of yourself.  I am finding that empty days where friends and family are in other places, and where I am faced with a debt load that is crushing me, is the most unbearable part of this whole ordeal. 

[BPDdaddy]

To sum things up, I have found myself in a situation where I don't have any stable outlets that would help me to focus my mind on other things.  I feel left behind by my internship because, during the first week I was there, I had to let them know that I needed some time off to move after the first week, and then surprise, during the first week I couldn't establish a presence because I suddenly needed to take time off to go and fight a court order. 

[Matt]

One thing at a time.

It's Tuesday.  What do you need to get done by the end of this week?

[BPDdaddy]

That is the thing, I think I need to find some work that is stable by the end of the week or I will be left with too much time on my hands. I am focused on preparing my resume and searching for internships, and it's a leap of faith at this point as to whether I will be able to find any. This is not good when your life has gone to hell. 

[ForeverDad]

Everything was dismissed a week ago, the Guardian at Litem stating that the temporary protection order should have never issued in the first place, and the CPS worker dismissed the allegations, and also pointed out that I should keep a very detailed record because in cases like these, it is not uncommon for the other person to allege even more in the future.

Did you get any paperwork out of all that listing either 'unfounded' or 'unsubstantiated'?  Anything in writing or stated "on the record" that is clearly in your favor?  I ask because often CPS and family court try to keep details verbal and out of the written records.  The more written documentation you have of their conclusions or findings, the better.

The CPS worker is right, she is sure to make more allegations.  My ex made multiple allegations, usually shortly before a court hearing, I figure it was her way to try to walk into court waving papers proclaiming how abusive or perverted I was, to make me look worse than her.  Strangely, in the court investigator's report recommending I get custody after some 4-5 years in and out of family court, it was noted that my ex had made yet another allegation.

My ex has never been told not to make allegations.  I presume they can't do that, what if the 101st allegation was true?  So my ex get no lectures and faces very subtle consequences (like losing custody) and I had to keep dealing with it for years.  The difference is that now her credibility is virtually gone, but it took years to get there.

How often do you get to see your children?  What's the schedule like?  And you do need a schedule.

[Matt]

That is the thing, I think I need to find some work that is stable by the end of the week or I will be left with too much time on my hands. I am focused on preparing my resume and searching for internships, and it's a leap of faith at this point as to whether I will be able to find any. This is not good when your life has gone to hell. 

So you need work both to keep busy, and to be financially OK - right?

Finding work isn't always 100% in your control.  It might help to list all the things that you can do, and when you will do them, and then accept that some things are out of your control.  For example, you can finish your resume (and maybe have someone look it over and make suggestions);  you can check Monster.com or wherever for jobs in your area;  you can gather references (with contact information);  etc.

Can you get everything job-related, that is in your control, all done by Friday?

If you then don't get a job right away, what else can you do with your time, that will be time well-spent?

Anything that needs cleaned or fixed?

Exercise?

Education?

[momtara]

Matt, you are awesome.

Daddy, are you sure there's nothing in your area that can bring you some stability or calm?  A minor league ball game?  A massage?  I know you need money for those things.

I don't want you to be seen as abandoning the kids.  If you need to leave for now, then you need to leave, but it's not permanent, so maybe that's ok. 

Maybe free legal consultations will help you prepare for what you face in the future.

Is there anyone out there, a relative or someone, who you can stay with for a few days, just to be around normal people and relax a bit? 

You are clearly quite smart considering how well you did in law school while all this was happening.  But you are not superhuman; you need a break.  Try to remember that everyone is healthy right now and things could be worse - rejoice for a few minutes in stability and calm, before you start thinking about the horrors again.  I know, easier said than done.  Maybe thru a local church, temple, etc they have sliding scale counseling.

[FamilyLaw]

May I add to Matt's practical suggestions?

Go to the Career Center at your law school or university.  They will help you find summer employment.  They may know of a professor who needs a research assistant or a local attorney who needs a clerk.  Don't think you need a job in the area you want to practice in.  I went through law school thinking I was going to be practicing international intellectual property law at a big firm.  Here I am 17 years later practicing family law and criminal defense at my own 4 partner firm.  Heck, if they can't find you a clerkship or internship, they may need someone to help with their filing and outreach. 

Also, your local prosecutor's office may have a "Victim/Witness" office.  They often need volunteers to help out.  Look into CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) at your juvenile court.  See if your law school has clinic program that needs some help over the summer.  Check out the website or newsletter for your County Bar Association -- many have a job listing section.

If you really just need money, then find a job anywhere -- no one will hold it against you in the long run if you spend the summer working at Starbucks.  Use your free time to pick a topic you're interested in and get a jump start on writing a law review article or your thesis.  Even if you're not on Law Review, writing an article and getting it published in the Bar Journal or one of the many legal journals will make up for any holes in your resume.

[FamilyLaw]

One last thing -- check to see if your community has a branch of Divorce Recovery.  They offer excellent support groups and classes.

[BPDdaddy]

Thanks FamilyLaw, I have an appointment scheduled with the career center Friday at 3pm.  Until then, I'm just trying to keep my head above water with the isolation and trauma that I am dealing with out here without a support network. 

I think the hardest part, and it wasn't hard when school was in session and everyone was here at the law school, has been trying to reverse some of the negative thought patterns that have rubbed off on me during my 7 and 1/2 year marriage while I have to continually deal with a toxic person who is trying to drive me into chaos and negativity a midst the wreckage of my life.  I hung on this last semester just enough to keep my GPA from falling again, and I just want a moment of respite from all of the trauma. 

Work was the only thing keeping me afloat during the marriage, and it really is hard to explain how I slowly lost my ability to connect with people outside of that due to my wife's jealousy issues and generally bummed out attitude whenever we would go out with friends who enjoyed having a good time and socializing.  It got to the point where when I would set up an event to do something active with friends and she would refuse to come, I would go for a while, but then I felt guilty afterwards so I didn't do this as much over time.  When we had kids, I spent all my time either at school, work (to support her spending habits), and doing all of the planning it took to get the family out to do something.  Hard to explain, but I feel that relearning how to be social and reach out, trying to find work, moving into an apartment (it's all moved as of yesterday, but setting it up is a killer task on your own), trying to be there for the kids, dead broke because of all of the debt, and dealing with someone who wants to cause me as much pain as possible is almost pushing me over the edge.  In reality, it is the isolation and aimlessness that I feel is starting to take its toll this Summer as I am trying my best to move past the trauma, and I underestimated how those stressors would affect me when I saw that this could possibly happen before the semester ended. 

[Matt]

You're using the word "trauma", which is probably a good thing to recognize - you've been through (and maybe you're still going through) some stuff that is really damaging... .

Sorry if you've already talked about this, but have you looked for a counselor?

Maybe the school has some low-cost counseling service.

Or if the only resource is someone in private practice, ask for a "sliding scale" - many counselors offer a reduced rate if you can't afford their regular rate.

Or if you are a church member, some members of the clergy have pretty good skills, knowledge and perspective to help.

You need to heal and some professional guidance will probably help a lot.

[BPDdaddy]

Look, I just really don't think I can do it anymore.  Trying to move a house full of heavy furniture items into their proper places all on your own, I've already pulled on my resources to help me move them into the house, while also fully aware that when my wife sees as much as a few boxes not organized and in their proper place that I will have CPS knocking on my door again has put me into an impossible situation yet again.  She left me to deal with cleaning up the mess that she has created, and I've done so successfully so far, but I really do think that I am at the end of my rope at this point.  I also cannot talk to her about not having the children for the weekend at this point, she either wont respond or will use this against me.  I have no time or ability to do anything productive in my life anymore.  I have been struggling to get things put into their proper place for a few hours, and there is just no way I can move these large objects up and down the halls, or even away from each other enough to find space to move them between objects, by myself.  I am toast guys. 

[momtara]

Daddy.  I want to help you!  I want you to be okay!  I want you to not give up!  Clearly you need a break. 

It isn't fair for you to live your life thinking CPS will knock on your door if you have boxes out of place, or anything else.  (Esp when she didn't take good care of your son).  Can you talk to the person at CPS first, to be proactive, and say, look, I am trying to resolve everything but I am afraid she will make more false claims?  Do you have a lawyer who can send a letter to them?  If you put cps and legal and your state into Google, maybe there are attorneys who are used to dealing with them and can be proactive with this.

However, you are at the end of your rope and I understand.  You do what you need to do - move for a little while, or just take a long vacation (call it that) - but please talk to an attorney first.  There may be little things you can do to help the situation.

There is too much on your plate.  But there are also people who might help you and let you lean on them and help you move boxes and anything else you need... . you just don't know where they are.  Heck, if I was in the same state as you I'd help.  But I don't know where you are... . point is, there are good people out there.

If you need to leave for now, just go, but do it right, so that you can figure out what to do next.  Courts are trying to be more fair toward dads these days and if y ou at some point want a clear agreement about parenting time, push for it. 

For now maybe it's time to take a breather.  You don't have to abandon, just take some time for yourself and figure out your next move. 

The fact that you've managed all this so well so far is amazing.  Clearly you have some superior talents and intelligence.  You are just tapped to the limit.  You are not superhuman in every single way.  That is OK.

Please keep posting - I care.

[Matt]

when my wife sees as much as a few boxes not organized and in their proper place that I will have CPS knocking on my door again has put me into an impossible situation yet again.

There is no reason for your wife to be in your home or judge your housekeeping.

Pick up the kids at her place, or make the exchange at a public place like a Starbucks or McDonalds.

Having her in your home is bad for a whole bunch of reasons... .

[ForeverDad]

when my wife sees as much as a few boxes not organized and in their proper place that I will have CPS knocking on my door again has put me into an impossible situation yet again.

There is no reason for your wife to be in your home or judge your housekeeping.

Pick up the kids at her place, or make the exchange at a public place like a Starbucks or McDonalds.

Having her in your home is bad for a whole bunch of reasons... .

I have similar concerns myself.  Sadly, I'm not the world's best housekeeper.  (But I did have a guest who just told me it was fine, but I'm sure my ex wouldn't be so objective.)  Though my ex has been through the house since separation, that was years ago.  Now that my son is entering middle school, I will not be using daycare any more.  Since he will be getting out of school at 2 pm, I don't want her coming to up to my door to pick him up.  I can imagine her asking him is she can come in and help him gather his things, pleading emergency need to use the bathroom, claiming (as she has done before) she will faint if she doesn't look for something to eat *right now*, etc.  In any case, I don't want him under that emotional guilt or pressure.  I have a long private driveway, so even if I let her come up as far as the turn-around, I don't want her to even approach any closer to my home.

I'd like to make it that she can't come there if I'm not present, but I'm sure it will be a logistical nightmare no matter what gets ordered.

[Matt]

I had a very good reason to never want my ex in my home:  at the end of our marriage, she became violent, and I had to choose between leaving the home myself, with the kids, or removing her from the home - no good options.  So when we separated, my lawyer advised me to arrange things so there would never be a good reason for her to be in or at my home.

I offered to do all the driving - pick up the kids at her place, and drop them off.  That way, if she became agitated, I could just leave.  I never went in her home - the kids brought their stuff out.  This worked well - her attorney spun it as a "win" for them since I would have to do all the driving.

Lots of bad things can happen when a disordered person is in your home.  Best to work it out so there is never a reason for that.

[BPDdaddy]

I feel like Sisyphus, but it's done.  One less thing to feel overwhelmed about.  Now, focusing on employment to get my mind off of the trauma:

It is clear that my wife wants me to be paralyzed with fear, and I am beginning to realize that this is holding me back.  For example, I made a friend up in D.C. who works as assistant to General Counsel in a government agency who has set me up with some of her contacts.  I have also set up a meeting with another contact, again in D.C., that I received from a friend here in college town that I am in.  The problem is that while I know that I might have better opportunities in D.C. than I do in a small college town, I also am pretty certain that this will set off another round of chaos with my wife--who I am afraid will use any flexibility that I seek in my weekend custody rights as an excuse for another round of mind-blowing bad behavior, which will probably result in her trying to force me out of my children's lives again.  While I am afraid of this, I also know I need to keep myself from drowning and get something locked down here on the E. Coast pronto, or I will end up having to recoup in San Diego where I am from.  On the other hand, I also am learning that even if I do everything perfectly--according to her plans at the present moment, which could change at the drop of a hat--she will still likely try to do something to create chaos in my life, so it is a no win situation. 

I am wondering if I should just expand my opportunities and go for something in D.C. even though the only way to work with my wife is just to tell her that I am doing this--there is really no negotiating in good faith with her, though I will try again--and it will create another certain round of chaos?  Long term, this may be the only way I survive out here. 

[BPDdaddy]

And thanks for all of the responses, they really have helped to jar me out of my mind and help me to think of how to utilize my resources better--it's always nice to have outside viewpoints and support when you go through something like this. 

[mamachelle]

BPDdaddy,

I hope you have a good weekend with your kids. 

I think you should stay close to your kids this summer. There are high speed rail trains all over the DC metro area. I think you can make this work.

Maybe you should think like a mom though. I remember another working mom saying to me years ago. Take out a map. Draw a bullseye and say-- ok this is as far as I am willing to commute in a day or week. Then look for work in that area.

This may not be a solution, but think in terms of what is reasonable to you (not to her). Get it out of your brain and onto paper.

Look at maps, salaries, logistics, numbers.

She may win a battle here and there but you are looking to win the war... .

mamachelle

[momtara]

Sounds like DC is a good interim solution.

Yes, you are right, she will cause chaos no matter what you do.

Maybe you can do what we all have to do sometimes:  Think like her and out manipulate her.  Like, you may have to tell her that you will be in DC, but say it's for a job opportunity, or whatever it is that will make it hard for her to spin it against you, and don't be more specific than that.  Tape all your conversations with her.  Or keep to email or whatever.  Look at how you are explaining it and think to yourself, "What would a judge think of this?  How can she try to spin it?  Will this look like I had to take a necessary position to further my career and survive the summer?"  Just phrase it in such a way that you are beyond reproach.

[BPDdaddy]

Talked to leads, and am coming up dry.  I really need to plug the hole in my pocket soon, and get some consistent work going, does anyone have suggestions?  I could mass mail every job that I see for the area, but usually jobs go to people who know people.  Has anyone been in a similar situation, i.e., back against the wall financially, needing to find some sort of consistent work in order to keep one's head above water and establish a long-term presence in the area so that your ex-BPD doesn't succeed in establishing herself in an area where you aren't able to?  I am running out of ideas.