Hard To Be Alone Now

[me757]

It's very ironic that now I find it very hard to be alone - especially on weekends. I used to love alone time and was comfortable being alone even on a weekend night. Now it is the complete opposite. I feel like I understand a BPD's fear of being alone a lot now. Ever since the breakup I've hated being alone. I realized that tonight is the first weekend night that I really haven't gone out since the breakup 6 months ago. I have tried to avoid being alone so much in the last 6 months that I find myself exhausted because I'll go out even if I'm tired. Last week I went out Tues-Sunday. I ended up getting sick probably because I wouldn't let myself just rest one night. I've realized that I've been running from the pain of being w/o my exBPDgf on the weekends. I've been trying to distract myself so much that I think its actually mentally and physically draining me. I miss being at peace. I miss being content being single. Tonight I hope I can learn something and heal more by staying home by myself. It's really hard but I think I need to do it. It's like I'm finally coming face to face with another form of pain from the breakup.

[Tordesillas]

I hear you.  I broke up with my exBPD a while ago and it's still taking time to process and detach and enjoy that lightness of just being free and single.  One thing I will say is that you can't avoid the pain.  If you distract yourself you're just postponing it.  But sooner or later you'll have to feel everything... . you'll have to get use to being alone and you'll have to deal with the full weight of everything that means for you.  And the sooner you do it the better.  Because the later you leave it, the worse it usually gets. 

So embrace it and keep moving forward. 

[me757]

Yeah, I think I really needed this. It's hard but I realize that this is a step forward to healing. If this is what a BPD feels all the time when they are alone, then I understand somewhat of their intense fear of abandonment... .

[Octoberfest]

I am right there with you man... . But he is right, all you are doing is prolonging the inevitable.  For a lot of us, being with our BPD's WAS traumatic.  And part of getting over it in my opinion is a grieving period.  It has to happen.

I find myself asking myself the same old questions that I have answered a million times... . Did she really care... . Does she feel bad for hurting me... . Is she really off happy with the new guy... . etc.

I talked to her for about a month after we split, as she continued a LDR with the guy she had been cheating on me with.  She saw him maybe once a week or so... . And I had gotten texts from her at 3 am saying she couldnt even sleep in the same bed as him, it was wrong that it wasn't me... . She blamed ME for us breaking up, said it was MY choice, and that if she had it her way we would be together still... .

She said that she barely kissed him, she avoided it, and that she couldn't bring herself to sleep with him.  She said they had discussed it and she explained that she had given herself to me, and was working to get it back. 

This coming from someone who was cheating on me (usually strictly emotionally) our entire relationship... . Maybe in her world she had "given herself" to me, but I don't know about mine. 

I know she isn't happy with him.  She told me she already had reason to believe he was cheating on her, and in her words, "I know i am doing the same old stupid (insert her name) sht of latching onto someone to cope, but I am working with therapists and my group to try and fix it.  And right now this is the only way I know how."

I'm sorry for word dumping in your thread... . These things crop up in my mind at random times and I need to get it out.

[cult]

Just wanted to say I hear you regarding being alone on a weekend night - Saturday in particular is a big one for me. Janis Joplin used to talk about the "Saturday Night Swindle" where everybody expects to have the time of their life on Saturday night, and it usually doesn't work out. In my case, my SO is visiting a friend out of town for her 40th bday. My SO and I have been pretty enmeshed for years and since she started shutting me out in April I've found myself alone a lot more than usual. This week things have been better but the r/s is still on shaky ground. Plus she just emailed me that she has an interview for a retail job, so if that happens her schedule will likely encompass Saturday nights even if we do remain together. I kept myself busy today and I am doing OK. It is getting easier. It's weird but getting easier.

[crystalclear]

It's ironical, because when I was in the LDR r/s my exbf was always complaining how angry he is with my regular 'weekend' parties with my friends... .

He always kept me busy with his love bombing... . calls, texts constantly... .

I enjoyed my life... . even when I was single before... . I think i felt like i was living my 'single life' even when I was not as it was LDR... .

But his would keep calling me when knew I was out... . yell at me I was giving more importance to my friends and partying than him... . It really cheesed me off... .

I stopped my parties,  meeting any guy friends... . but he said it was too late as he decided to move on... . and its practical for both of us... .

Now i am single again but it doesn't feel good... . I wish I never changed myself so much for him... . no more parties... . friends gone... . weekends dead... . this sucks... .

[confetti]

Yeah, I think I really needed this. It's hard but I realize that this is a step forward to healing. If this is what a BPD feels all the time when they are alone, then I understand somewhat of their intense fear of abandonment... .

I feel this x2 brother if only some of us from the forum could hang out together it'd be a little heal party!

but yeah... . i have NPD and already hated being alone for more than 2.5 seconds it is utterly agonizing. you would not believe the instinctual ability to plant seeds on other people when the "i want to die" "I'm alone" "oh no" "god hates me" feelings start surfacing

I HATE ADMITTING THIS

but you have the exact right idea. The only way to really heal is to look at the problem in the eyes until you can see the outline of what you were looking at when you close them. Carving the reality in stone a little will set you up for far less disappointment in the future, and you are really voicing that you know thst for a fact, deep down anyway.

It sucks, rejection and anguish can change you. Tend to your wound before it leaves a scar.

Analogies are silly, really though.

Pain makes you thicker, and most people here would not have been capable prior to this pain to form a coping mechanism. Why would they need to? Especially if they have never felt that deep rejection (in their minds anyway)?

You're taking the right road. I just want to help you reinforce that.

[feelingcrazy7832]

Wow, I'm glad I read this today. I have felt the EXACT same way lately. I never cared about being alone before meeting my exBPD three years ago. Now I've done some of the same things you were doing just going out constantly and being with other people when my daughter is with her dad for the weekends he has her.

This weekend I decided not to go out. I spent time with a friend Friday and stayed home last night alone, watched movies, did things around my house, etc. I woke up feeling really alone and regrettign not going out when I saw all my friends out on Facebook having a good time. Now after I've read your post I'm glad I didn't. It gave me time to process alot of things without going out having drinks with my friends and trying to escape the thoughts of the things my ex did.


We will not be alone forever and we will have someone in our lives again who will fill our days with happiness vs. disordered actions/thinkign/chaos!

[me757]

Yeah, I think it's necessary. Last week I went out every night and was so exhausted that I ended up getting sick. It's good to stay busy but I think I've been running from being alone for months. If things are ever going to go back to normal I'm going to have to face sitting at home alone on a weekend every once in awhile.