Finally Going to End Toxic Relationship

[flowergnome]

  I posted in the new member forum over a year ago when I was thinking about ending this relationship, and now I feel like it's really time to listen to my inner voice and do it.  My relationship with my boyfriend is so incredibly unhealthy, my rational mind can't believe I have even stayed with him this long.  My emotional self, however, has had a much harder time detaching.

I have already broken up with him over 5 times but we always ended up "making up" and continuing the cycle of pain.  We live together.  Just two weeks ago I told him to move out, and he even called his mom to let her know he might need to move in with her.  But I ended up telling him I didn't want him to leave.  Now, I want him out of here once again.  He is out of town all weekend, and I've had time to think and I feel like I've really made up my mind once and for all.  I just am looking for some support because I know this is going to be hard for me. 

We have been together for 2 1/2 years.  In the beginning the relationship cycled between extreme highs and extreme lows and the worst screaming fights I've ever experienced.  Now, we no longer have sex or even sleep in the same bed, so we have fewer extreme highs and also fewer lows, as the fights are not as intense but we do bicker constantly about dumb things.  Also, I don't respect him anymore.  He doesn't take care of his body and has gained a lot of weight since we met.  He has no self-restraint with eating (polishes off a whole tub of ice cream or a giant chocolate egg in one sitting) or drinking (went to the bar and got so drunk he puked 3 times last month).  He constantly has conflicts with people at work and can't keep a stable job.  Can't manage money.  Goes on spending sprees.  Says mean things way too often.  Blames all his problems on others.  Talks about all his great ideas but never acts on any of them.  I feel like he's a child in an adult body.

Really the only things keeping me with him are we have this house together and if he moves out I will barely be able to afford to live here.  (But I could just get a roommate.)  Sometimes playing house is really nice and, he has this incredibly sweet and fun side which makes life so much fun... . when he isn't too busy making life miserable.  I don't know if I even love him anymore.  I feel like now I am much stronger and capable of detaching from him than I've been in the past.  Before, I was drinking way too much and now I rarely drink.  I also have a stable teaching job and a few new girlfriends in this area.  I have many creative activities to keep me busy.  I am somewhat afraid of being alone, and I know in the past when I've been alone I've hid from the world by staying home drinking too much and watching endless TV.  I don't think I would do that now.  Work keeps me very busy, and since I'm a teacher I know a lot of people in this community and can't really hide.  I also am trying to be in a band, have a craft site on Etsy, read and study a lot, and just get to know people around here.  I wouldn't sit around the house and mope too much... . at least I hope not.  Right now my favorite times are when my boyfriend is out of town!

I just know from the past, when I break up with him, he gets all sweet again and is on his best behavior.  He is really charismatic.  There are also all the memories of the good times.  That makes it hard to follow through and actually leave.  But I am really going to do it this time!

I want him to be the one to move out because we live by my job and I walk to work.   I am the one with the stable job and income- he couldn't afford to live here alone.  He may have to stay with friends or move in with his parents.  He will have to keep living here for a little while as he figures out what to do... . which could be hard because there is a chance I'll give in and say I don't want him to leave.  I could use some advice about this.  I would really appreciate any responses.

Thanks!  I also told some girlfriends my plan today and I have support from them.  They don't know about the BPD though because I don't want them to know the extent of the dysfunction.   

 

[Sally19]

Stay strong and continue on with your plan.  I married a man very much like your boyfriend.  In fact, he did everything you speak of and he also gambled - a lot.  I made excuses for all of his behaviour and wanted to fix everything all the time.  When the abuse became too much, I finally found the strength to leave.  I never knew he had BPD until just recently.  My eyes have been opened to the reality of exactly what this disorder is and why my life with my ex was so miserable.  It won't get better.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  Do not stay in this relationship.  It will just cycle over and over again in the typical idealization vs. devaluation way that it does.  It is destructive and when things are going well, you can count on them taking a bad turn again.  I don't mean to come across so negative, but I just want you to stay strong and save yourself now before you possibly get married and have children.  I see myself in your story.  I am new to this forum and have found support and strength here.  I hope you do too.  Good luck.

[Healing4Ever]

Hi flowergnome - welcome back!

It sounds like you know what you need to do for yourself - you're uncertain about how to follow through.  I have just recently separated/ended my r/s with my uBPDex (almost 2 months/3 weeks) so I don't have much longterm advice.

What helped me to decide I really couldn't take the downs of the r/s was finding ways to acknowledge that I'm a decent person.  I did this through exercises in a book called "Love Without Hurt" by Steven Stosny.  The book is amazing and profoundly wise, and after 6 weeks of building myself up, I realized I could not take one more silent treatment.  I didn't necessarily know how I was going to get through the separation etc., I just knew in my heart I couldn't go back.

That's kind of what has been keeping me going - I *know* I can't trust him with my heart/vulnerability anymore.  I miss him more than I should, because I've also come to realize that my fear of being alone, my very low self-esteem, and my willingness to believe that his problems were my problems lead me to want to cling onto anything that will love me, even if only part-time.  So, I am continuing to work on building myself up.  In his book, Steven talks about how we must build ourselves up even more when we leave a r/s because everyone naturally has guilt, shame, and anxiety when a deep attachment is broken.  

I am also trying to focus on finding things that I like to do, calling up my friends and spending time with them, using God/prayer to help guide me, playing sports, walking the dog, and reading as much as I can to understand BPD and my role in the r/s.  Posting here and getting such clarifying responses has helped too.

Good luck figuring this out and keep posting!

H4E

[flowergnome]

Thanks so much Sally19 and Healing4Ever.  I really appreciate knowing that I'm not alone in going through this.  It's true, I often get caught up in the idealization phases and think, maybe this time it will stay like this!  Everything seems so great!  But it never does stay like that, it always goes back into another bad phase. 

H4E, the book "Love Without Hurt" sounds interesting, I may check it out.  I know I need to build myself up right now.  I am juicing, not drinking alcohol, doing things I enjoy and spending more time with friends.  It's also the start of summer which seems the best time to do this. 

[WalrusGumboot]

He will have to keep living here for a little while as he figures out what to do... . which could be hard because there is a chance I'll give in and say I don't want him to leave.

There is 100% certainty that he will not go willingly. He will never figure things out while he is in the comfort of his own home. The recycle attempts will be relentless.

I believe you will have to be the one to leave, but the house situation is your main obstacle. Being that you are concerned about him making a smooth transition into a life on his own, you are creating your own prison because it will not happen.

I wasted a number of years waiting to the right time to divorce after the decision was made to do so, but the right time never came, and never would have. I just had to bite the bullet and let the chips fall where they may, and it all worked out in the end. I think you might be in the situation where you will have to do the same.

[flowergnome]

I sure hope he goes willingly!  If he won't, I can move out, though I really don't want to because I love this house and it's right by my work.  It might take me a couple months to find a place and get all my stuff together though, which could make things difficult.  After the school year ends in a week I could also go stay with my mom for a couple weeks and also I'm planning on going to some festivals.  I wouldn't have to just hang around here.   

He is coming home either tonight or tomorrow.  Today is unfortunately his birthday, and I'm just not going to break up with him on his birthday.  Tomorrow after work is when I'm planning to tell him.  I also didn't get him any birthday gifts.  Bad timing.  But I need to end this now!

[Angelnme]

Hi flowergnome, I also see myself in your story, and I feel like everyone has given you good advice. I am planning to leave my uBPDbf of 9 years as soon as I can, and I know that it will not go over well. But I would rather deal with the ugliness of that situation than the ugliness of the r/s and the abuse. I don't really have any additional advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I'm glad you're here (back), this is an amazing support system for us. Continue to believe in yourself... . you deserve to be happy! 

[flowergnome]

Thanks Angelnme!  I wish you the best with your situation too- be strong! 

I just talked to bf and he isn't coming home until tomorrow, which is good.  Also we had a brief argument over the phone because he wished I would have returned the shirt he got me at Macy's that had a hole in it the last time I went to town.  Now it's too late to return it.  Like that is my responsibility to remember?  He bought the shirt!  Also when I wished him happy birthday he sounded very blase'.  Didn't use common courtesy like most people would. 

[Tordesillas]

I think its interesting (and also very true) that just as a person with BPD has to want to get better and acknowledge they need help to take steps towards a better life, so someone suffering as a partner of someone with BPD needs to want to get better to leave and acknowledge they need help and support to do so.  No one can force anyone to do anything in these situations.  It really all does come down to being able to follow through on what the healthy decision is.