Afraid

[Take2]

I have bounced between the staying, undecided and leaving board many times in the past 7 months since I found this site and right now I find myself back on the leaving board - in a place because I NEED to be on here.

I just can't do it anymore.  I used to be a strong woman.  I think I still might be but it's going to take so so long to get back there.  And right now - that's not even when I'm concerned about.  I just want to be able to live life again like a normal person.

My ex-BPD-bf and I have gone up and down on the rollercoaster ride like everyone else on this site has.  He is a borderline who rages and rages intensely - although severe rages are not common, but intense anger is for him.  I've gotten used to being dumped over and over and over.  I'm used to being falsely accused of throwing myself at every man that walks past me.  I'm used to being called names.  But something in his last actual rage last week made me wake up and realize that I might be dealing with someone who is far more disturbed than I initially thought.  To put it bluntly, he scared the crap out of me this past week.  As he is my coworker, I had to leave work twice this week to get away from him.  Friday morning's threats to destroy my personal and work life "because I had done so to him" were as convincing as he's ever been.  I can't do my job normally because I can't communicate with my male peers - and when I am actually contacted by them - I am constantly looking over my shoulder (literally) to make sure the ex doesn't come up behind me as I do my job.  

As of tomorrow, my reporting structure at work changes and I will be reporting to a man.  I'm afraid of what that might do to the situation.  But that's just a minor concern.

I'm truly concerned that my ex really could be far more dangerous than I thought.  

I never thought of him as dangerous at all.  I have known him to be disordered (undiagnosed but CLASSIC borderline.)  But not until seeing that each true "rage" has truly intensified and his threats are worse - clearly in an attempt to control me (even though it's HIM always doing the breaking up) - I just wonder if we hadn't been actually in our office what could have happened with that anger.  

When we first became friends four years ago at work, I remember him telling me how he did not feel emotions.  That his ex would comment how he just turned off all emotions with her.  It didn't add up in my head back then - so I forgot about that.

But I have seen it over and over with him.  And I have experienced his complete lack of empathy when my dad died 6 months ago.  And then after this past week, it occurs to me that while he does display borderline behavior, he really also might have some strong antisocial disorder traits.  I don't even know why I say he might.  He DOES.  He Even my therapist commented on it months ago.  How can I forget this and continue to interact with him?  (clearly that has been part of my own issues which I've been working on).

I just can't take him stalking me online at work anymore (our instant messaging system is designed for stalkers, it KILLS me as he can monitor my coming and going and constantly accuses me of being online when men are online so that of course means I am throwing myself at them).  I can't take it that if I go out ANYWHERE he could potentially be stalking me.  I think for the most part he isn't.  But when it's never occurred to me that he might, he has!  (ie, the gym after work when he refused to see me - so promptly after refusing to let me come over, he drives 30 minutes out of his way to stalk me at my gym where I went instead of seeing him!)  

And what scares me just as much is that if I ever went and reported him - he probably has so many texts and emails that I sent to him begging him not to leave me that I KNOW he would make it appear that I am the one who is bonkers.

But what he of course does not have at all - is anything mean, cruel, stalking, threatening or otherwise from me.  He does have confirmation that I am wildly codependent.  But not abusive.  

I'm exhausted.  I'm scared.

And IMMEDIATELY after his intense rage on Friday (that made me leave work 2 hours after I'd gotten there) - he wanted to see me.  And I'm afraid to make him mad again now.  I feel so stuck.  

I need to make this all stop.  For good.

[TXwoman]

It's is not good, sweetie.   You need to get out of that relationship ASAP - the sooner the better.  It's too bad that you didn't let him leave after his last breakup with you, then it could have been HIS doing, and maybe he wouldn't feel compelled to stalk.    But reading your post made me nervous for you.   If your company has an EAP( Employee assistance program) call them immediately and discuss this with them.  It's confidential and they can give you guidance.   You need someone at your work (in HR?) to know about this.  You need to get this documented, so that they know that he is creating a hostile work environment.   Once they know about it, some of the onus will be on them to "protect" you - to the extent they can.   Good luck and stay strong!

[whatisthetruth]

im really sorry to hear of your pain. this sounds like hell x 10.

can you document/write down as much as possible with dates?

then get out/file a restraining order?

i hope u move past this quickly and onto healing

[Take2]

Thanks both of you for responding to my post.  I admit that my own codependency has allowed me to stay in this relationship when it's been wildly unhealthy for so so long.  I know I have turned into the classic-abused (emotionally) woman - because I do still care about him so much that I don't want to do anything that could interfere with his job at all.  I know that it's not my fault and it needs to end but until now, I have never said "this needs to end".  That will be said today when I see him. 

Of course he did dump me on Friday but after things were so severe that I left the office for the second time last week in tears and afraid - he then started to text me that he wanted to be with me later in the afternoon.  He of course got in his text that said he apologized for anything he may have done that has negatively affected me.  Don't you just love that ?   That is him simply covering his tracks.  Trust me, he never ever puts those threats in written form.  And when I addressed a couple things (name calling, being afraid) in a text response the other day, he vehemently denied it  - he KNOWS to cover himself.  He words EVERY written communication so that it makes him seem like the reasonable person and that he is trying to get away from me.  He even texted on Friday out of the blue that he didn't appreciate my insinuation that he was threatening me in anyway as he would never do that.  Jaw dropping to anyone that doesn't think about a needing to worry about being reported to HR or the police.   

I have told my coworker/friend about all of it.  She came to talk to me after his insane rage on Friday as I then hid in the bathroom in tears.  I had her read the texts from last week and she was blown away. 

I have been in therapy for 7months now but my therapist is so ridiculously hard to get into that I'm going to someone new this week.  Stinks but I feel like I need to get in way more often than once a month. 

I'm torn and afraid to report him beyond my friend right now at work.

1.  I do care about him and don't want his life ruined.

2.  I'm afraid of how bad it could get for me.

So I am going to need to just be firm and tell him finally - that this is over. 

I need my boundaries in place.  I am saving all communication now from him from last week and going forward.  In the past I had started to but then wound up getting rid of it.  I won't make that mistake again. 

Again - thank you both for the support.  I am pretty anxious this morning about work.

[rellis]

I havent posted here in a while, but the one line that stood out to me in your post was "I do care about him and dont want his life ruined".

IMHO that is NOT what this is about and it keeps you stuck in this "relationship". It isnt a realtionship-trust me-he cant have a relationship and you keep hoping he can. He cant and he never will.

It is not about "His" life, its YOUR life-and you need to get away from him to have YOUR life.

I did the same thing-I was too nice, didnt want to hurt his feelings, etc etc. All the while putting up with the rages and the bad behavior-which became worse the longer I tolerated it and I was fearful of what he might do to me-and frankly I am still afraid of him.

Worrying about HIS feelings kept me stuck-for a long long time. Now, when I get misty eyed over the past

I call a friend who remembers what I went through or I look back at emails from him or my journal entries and remember it is about me-being healthy and happy-and away from HIM!

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself-you cant save him, you cant save the relationship (there isnt one) but you CAN save yourself. Take any and all steps necessary to protect yourself-you are worth it.

And dont second guess your decisions-if you are afraid there is a reason-LISTEN to that quiet little voice-its the one that will protect you.

[fromheeltoheal]

"I'm truly concerned that my ex really could be far more dangerous than I thought."

My experience is the rages get more intense towards the end of the r/s, and any semblance of rational thought goes out the window, it is literally a complete loss of control; think Jodi Arias.  You know what you need to do, and we don't know how extreme it is, but your post scares me.  Us rescuing/caretaking types always default to the other person's feelings, but it seems you see on at least an intellectual level that you need to put your needs first now.  Don't know how far you've thought it through, but do you have a place to stay that he doesn't know about, have you considered calling the cops, have you told as many people as you can?  An uncomfortable work situation is one thing, but how far will he go?

Also I've read here and experienced that BPD's love texts, something about the obscurity of the communication.  My BPD ex said the kindest, sweetest things by text, and it was literally shocking to get to know the real person, who didn't resemble the text 'person' at all, kind of like her thumbs were immune to the disorder, or more likely she knew exactly what she was doing, using my cell phone as one of her hooks.

Good luck to you.  You're at work now I assume, and obviously needing to leave work because of him is detrimental to your job, gotta do something about that.  Hope your day goes well, and you're able to find your way out.

[flynavy]

Take2... . please do everything you can to get away from this... . even a restraining order.  I am a strong fit man (5'10", 195lbs)... . when I called of the wedding with my ex BPD/NPD fiance, I had all to do the hold her down... . she is 5'5", 120 lbs.  The intensity of the rage is like nothing I have ever seen or experienced.  She pulled a knife out of my kitchen and put on the counter at one point.  Can't believe this was the same cutsy, pretty, sexy, professional, woman I fell in love with... . my point... . they are very capable of extreme violent, physical and emotional behavior. 

Do not feel sorry for him... . he will eventually find someone else... . as with my ex... . she always kept guys dangling on the hook just in case one went sour... . she would have a fall back... . in retrospect, I found out she was always working on the next one... . just in case!  The Narcissistic  part of her disorder could not refuse any attention!

[GreenMango]

It's easy for all of us to tell you to suddenly leave.  Sometimes this can cause more risk - its important to talk to a dv counselor and develop a safety plan.  They also have other resources that can guide you.  Sometimes free legal advice, etc.  Sometimes this takes a little planning.

Try this test it may give a good idea of your risk - https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

Also check out the Red emergency button at the bottom of this thread - it links to domestic violence resources, a search engine for free dv counselors in your area, and a planning worksheet.

Be smart.  Be safe. 

[Take2]

Thanks everyone. I do agree with what you all have said.  For all of the times that either my own codependency or my concerns for his feelings have kept me "stuck" in this not-really-a-relationship, I can't remember ever feeling scared before.  I have certainly been a disaster before and had to leave work with mild concerns inFebruary during a rage - but I was more upset than scared.  I think the fear is good here for me to keep focus on - even if he never turns more aggressive - but it's helping me detach far more than I was before.

Ironically, I found that mosaic website over the weekend as I was reading up on stalker profiles/behavior - just out of curiosity to see how much it might apply.  I didn't get a chance to see everything and didn't see the dv resources but will definitely check those out today.  I did find a new therapist that allegedly has experience with domestic abuse.  I say alledgedly because I swear it seems like every therapist lists the same background but from what I can tell many times they don't have the experience I truly need - which really is someone who works with dv/emotional abuse.

I was able to stay just work focused yesterday and didn't have much interaction with him - meetings prevented it.  We talked here and there and I just kept it normal.

I could tell he was in paranoid mode by a couple comments he made but I managed to deflect it somehow. 

I have told many people.  And yes the reason I became very interested in that Jodi Arias trial was the similarities.  My ex is so controlled (and controlling) that I have mostly concluded that he would never allow himself to do anything that ever get himself in real trouble.  I still mostly believe that.  But again, the person I saw last week and in particular on Friday was clearly so full of rage that I'm no longer completely certain that he can't snap.  He didn't seem to care if people heard us - and people were pretty close by (as it right outside the lunchroom) - that was totally out of the ordinary for him.  He is usually far more obsessed with whether or not people can hear us or even see my expressions (no joke, can't tell you how many times he's flipped out over me having the wrong expression on my face... . ) - and I sat there sobbing on Friday.  I was about to write that we were both wildly lucky that no one from my own company walked into the room right then - but realize that maybe only he is the lucky one. 

Again, thank you all for responding.  I am feeling strong still.  And will read the DV resources to find someone who can help me with this as I agree that the potential for escalating things is there and I want to do this the right way for ME.

[GreenMango]

Try out the mosaic test when you get a chance - its 40 questions and pretty quick.  It gives a good, realistic threat level because it takes into account some things that when I took it never came to mind.

Let us know how things are going and what you think of the dv resources.  It helps others in this situation to hear from someone who's walked through it too.

[Take2]

I took the Mosaic test... . the score is a 6 out of 10 which translates to "based on the info you have provided... . this situation appears most similar to cases that have worsened and escalated.  On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being assigned to situations that have most of the factors experts associate with escalation), this situation is a 6.  Some similar cases have escalated to include worsening abuse and substantial violence.  Though not in the worst category, this situation can escalate to the point that a future assessment would produce a higher number on the 1 to 10 scale."  It goes on to suggest reviewing resources with the National Domestice Violence Hotline... .

So - I think that is pretty accurate.  Obviously it gives all the disclaimers about how it's only as good as the info you provide plus it can't be absolute blahblahblah.

I have done a substantial amount of reading about DV in the last few days.  And things have been very calm at work.  His Monday paranoia seemed to calm down after he realized that I hadn't reported him to HR or anything (that is a guess only on my part).  We have communicated very well and I told him that I cannot ever ever go thru last week again.  He says he knows I've shut down - something that neither of us have experienced before as I've always taken the abuse.  Life seems ok - like he is accepting.  Although he has 'sexted' here and there - trying to see if I will 'bite' I guess.  It kills me inside but I told him that I wish we could but it really seems like we cannot.  After work yesterday and today he did apologize and say it would never happen again (his rage) - which I know is not reality.  Yesterday though he said he knows I see it as anger but he calls it "being intense".  WHAT?  Whatever.   I didn't respond to that ludicrous statement. 

I realize everything EVERYTHING says there can't be "just friends" - but I don't know how to proceed any other way.  I feel strong and resolute -  but am I delusional to think that maybe it CAN conclude quietly?

[lost007]

Take 2. Yes that is delusional. If the BPD is real it will not be quiet. You situation sounds like mine. We were not co workers but her behaviors are so what you describe here. I have finally divorced. Been a month. Separated 6 months total. She still won't stop. Yes. I was co dependent too. These people when dysregulated will destroy the world. Take on any amount of collateral damage to hurt you. Will they be violent. Maybe. The risk is real. I have lived through hell. I have a restraining order. She still texts. Begs me back. Wants to be friends. Then gets insane if I do not capitulate to her demands. I'm afraid to date. I am biding times to get finances in order so that I may move. I will walk a tightrope with her til I can leave. In my opinion stopping these people is near impossible.   Lots of people have lived through it. Many are still posting here. It's real. Be careful. Be clear. I hope for the best for you. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine liked the 'intense' word too.  It wasn't until I left her and learned about BPD that I learned a pwBPD's emotions are raw, right on the surface, all the time, like road rash that you keep banging on things the next day and it hurts.  Their entire emotional life is intense, but anger is anger, rage is rage, unacceptable is unacceptable.

Mine wanted to be 'friends' too, I finally realized that was her attempt to keep the good, when she wasn't triggered, and leave the bad, make the push/pull stop.  She couldn't understand what was going on, but her motives were in the right place, although impossible.  I told her people I consider friends don't treat me the way she did.  More deal breakers than I could count.

Sounds like you've reached some calm; I really hope it stays that way.  Good luck to you.

[Take2]

His dad,  the man who clearly severely abused him as.a.child but yet who he respects like the most important person on earth,  had.a.stroke last night.  Its bad

I am worried.  For him. About him.  And for whatever reaction this might provoke in him... .

[GreenMango]

Boundaries Take2 -  I know easier said than done. 

When mine was losing his father (same kind of scenario - abusive but idealized) things were very rocky.  I felt guilty and obligated during that time. I wish I had handled it better and knew what I did now.  You are in a better spot.  You know about the disorder - the "intensity", typical behavior etc.

In recommendations in leaving a relationship of this kind part of it is the slow withdrawl.  Less involved, saying things that make it about you not feeling good etc., and having good boundaries - knowing when to not get involved, when to let the natural consequences or life happen, and when to just be kind but not encouraging a relationship.

Not easy - maybe having a safety plan is a good idea too.

[confetti]

Many people here are posting wise words... . I am uneasy myself as you had posted in my thread earlier about stalking. My ex was never abusive physically, but threatened (in scary detail) how he would hurt or eventually kill me.

This never became an issue because I am states away and could go NC, change addresses~ but had I not been I'd be rushing very quickly to a safety plan.

To reinforce this, my ex also covered is tracks in what seemed to be an effort to make it difficult to get an RO. This includes never leaving voicemails, apologizing after fights... . the tone of voice (even in texts) made it so fake and obvious that there was more to it than an apology. He was very much antisocial as well and can't find another to latch onto (currently).

It may not feel like reality and something you need to do but from experience it can escalate at a skyrocketing speed. Please consider looking into a DV counselor.

[Take2]

Boundaries... .    I know GreenMango.  Your words in your last post there actually have stayed in my mind the last couple days - as he has been reaching out for support and I have found myself responding with encouragement - it's so hard because the pain of what he is going through kills me.  I lost my dad in December after an incredibly difficult 6 months of hospitals and rehab centers.  In fact, I am going back to my home state in two weeks for my own father's burial (ashes - we held off until it was warmer for the burial).

Anyway - my own emotions are obviously raw about it, and yet I'm still TRYING to slowly detach.

He has gone paranoid on me multiple times - needing to know who was just at my desk (again, the work Instant Messager system KILLS me - he can stalk my movements when he's sitting in a freaking hospital and I'm at work !) because he will watch other people's IM's also and if it's a man, he will think they are at my desk.  He has needed multiple pix texted to him - just last night alone.  Obviously this crazy-controlling behavior is not remotely new.  But I realize he is likely feeling very out of control in his head and needing to find a way to get control to feel better.  I don't know how to keep my boundaries right now.  I admit it.

I am experiencing a mix of compassion plus a healthy dose of concern that I probably need to just keep him calm right now during the intense stress.  Is that the wrong way to go about it?

I did actually retake the Mosaic test out of curiosity to see if the threat went up based on the current stressful situation and it did.  It's a 7. 

Confetti - thank you so much for writing here as well.  It does sound like we have and/or experiencing similar situations to an extent.  I do have an appt with a new therapist this week who has DV experience.  My own therapist is impossible to get into - so I had to find one that has doable hours.  Plus more DV experience.  Did you go through that also?  Was it helpful?  I'm so so SO tired of being so paranoid at work.  Even on the weekends, I will start doing work from home and I know my activity will be checked. 

[GreenMango]

I don't know if there's ever a real right way to handle these situations, mostly it seems like how to find a way to minimize the damage.  I know I was a major enablers for a long time and it kind of set the tone for expectations so when that changed all hell broke loose.

I know from my experience things got worse during  time because the abandonment fears really kicked losing a parent - the checking in, the 40 text messages a day, tantrums and paranoia while I was at working, calling to pick me up early from work etc really started to take its toll.  The need and emotional volatility had started to scare me - strange demands and expectations, all over the board kind of stuff.

I wrestled with the guilt a lot - I felt guilty because who leaves a person whos parent is dying.  I had to sit down and really look at what was going on.  To be honest this stuff was going on long before that - it came to head during it though.

Support is difficult and different than enabling - as the melt downs started and when mine asked what I thought I usually said maybe it would help to talk to a therapist this is a hard time.   I don't think you can keep them calm - you can try to not make things worse.  You have your grief to deal with too - that's important.

This might help with boundaries it comes from a good book: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Grief effects people differently.  Sometimes it provokes extreme reactions.  Be good to yourself and careful too.  Glad to hear you are seeing a counselor for all this, they will be able to give some good insight.

Please let us know how things are going and what the counselor says.  I'm sorry to hear about your Dad too.  

[Take2]

Thank you Green Mango... . again... .   and you are right, all I feel like I can do right now is try and not make things worse.  I was supportive for last week and then he just arbitrarily snapped again and went from accepting supportive comments to raging at me for delusional ideas.  I guess I knew it was going to happen.  He has never handled minor stress well - and now that his life has serious stress, he is not doing well.

I knew he would need to direct the resulting anger somewhere and knew I would be the target.  It was pretty awful on Monday but we spoke (he yelled, I cried) - but we left it at "this is done".  I FINALLY said ok - and I was able to have it done on HIS terms.  I still took Tuesday (yesterday) off from work knowing I needed to be away from him - wise choice because as of 6am on Tuesday, the texts/rage began again.  It's SO wildly all over the place, I just have actual fear/paranoia any time I get a text from him.  I am out of work the rest of this week (already planned - thank God).  I no longer know how to handle this.  I saw my therapist last night and cried my eyes out - I know I have more work to do on ME, but seriously, I need right now for this abuse to STOP.  I'm afraid to tell HR (the HR rep knows him, the HR rep talks way too much, I don't trust this HR rep and I truly FEAR the consequences if I tell them).  I'm afraid to tell anyone in management (and I'm IN management as is he) - because I'm afraid of what he'll do if he finds out.  I have responded to him to keep it quiet - but I need it to STOP.  Because my calm responses are just keeping back the inevitable rage to come again and I can't take it anymore.  I am a disaster. 

[GreenMango]

I knew my stress level was thru the roof when I would start to have anxiety when I'd hear my phone beep for a message, text or call.  It culminated into a couple of panic attacks.  One while I was driving and I had to pull over - I started getting the tunnel vision from hyperventilating.   

I think I said your exact words I need this to STOP.  Best thing I can tell you that helped me was a plan - small bites or things to take care of like talk to your employer, or ask the therapist how to handle.  How to handle those what if situations and role playing what I would do because of the unpredictablility helped too.  And then making sure I talked myself through any interactions constantly checking in with myself to not get caught up in the chaos and minimize taking on his stuff. 

It's hard the therapist helps.  For me it took years to get to the point of panic attacks, its gonna take some time to extract yourself especially if you have work tied to it. 

How does your therapist say to handle it?

[Take2]

The therapist said it won't stop as long as I work there.  Of course my other therapist (who is so hard to get into see that I started seeing therapist #2 as I NEED to get support to get myself out of this) - she was telling me to just go no contact.  I think honestly between all of the information on this website, along with the material I've read on domestic violence, I know probably as much as they do in terms of what to suggest.

I had hoped therapist #2 had more experience with dv victims.  Maybe I really do need to contact the women's shelter for help through this point. 

It's not that simple to just find a new job at my level in this economy.  I spelled it out in NO unsimple terms last night to my ex - saying exactly that "This has got to STOP.  I'm physically ill because of this (I am - have been sick to my stomach all week and now think I have strep throat), I cannot take it anymore, I cannot take being afraid at work, I cannot handle the accusations, etc".  I'm out of town this week - to get away from him.  Because even though I have been agreeing with him that it is over for weeks now - it doesn't stop.  I would have stayed home and not flown 2000 miles for this trip that I did not need to come on, especially as I was beginning to feel sick, but I HAD to get out of town.  I feel stronger just changing my surroundings. 

I have decided that I do need to tell someone at work.  I have been very afraid to do that because if he finds out, I know life will get horribly unpleasant.  But I need to ask to start working from home - which I do not want to do - but many people in my company do and I used to - but it may be the best option for me at this point.  So I am going to try to trust the person I've decided to talk to and hope he has some additional ideas how to work this out - at least from the work side of things. 

[lost007]

Have things gotten better Take 2? My ex still contacts me daily. I've been out of the house going on 7 months. I have divorced her. She refuses to cease. Still get rages but much better on that end. Im getting more of "since you don't want me the heart no longer matters so I may as well go ahead and just Fu... . all I can". She still vascilates between rational and irrational. She is delusional thinking I am coming back eventually. It's not happening. I would love to hear how it's going on your end.

[GreenMango]

Sometimes finally reaching out for help and sharing what's going on is the best thing.  Glad to hear your making that move. 

His behavior has consequences - imagine if he just randomly did this stuff to someone else?  It's very easy to put their needs first when this kind of stuff is going on wanting to stop the drama but it rarely works that way.  What it usually does is raise the bar on what you will accept of unacceptable.  New threshold.

Handle this carefully.  How's the therapy going? 

[Take2]

Lost007... .   my situation is no different.  I actually went out of town last week so I was out of the office all week last week - originally for an unrelated reason but that fell through - but rather than cancel the trip, I knew I needed to get away from the office/him.  I wish I could say that it was the break that I needed.  My stomach was severely upset before I left from all the stress and the day after I got there, I came down with strep throat.  None of that stopped him from 1,500 miles away.  Half the time raging, half the time being nice and texting pix of himself only so that he could then ask me to send photos of myself so he could see what I was doing.  UUUgh.  I wound up having the fear continue which sucked.  It's calm again now but I know it's just the calm before the storm.  This week at work has several things going on (all work related) that normally set him off (ie, a work lunch where I will be with other men,  a meeting where both he and I will be with other men, etc) - things that are normal work matters but always always always trigger him.  I have stood firm though that this is not going to happen - trying to make it always be agreeing to HIS decision so that it allows HIM to win.  But I know today will be bad.  I'm checking Monster.com and reaching out to some friends at other companies regarding any possible openings.

I REALLY do not want to leave my company - but I can't keep going thru this.  My health is seriously suffering!

GreenMango... .   I haven't been back yet to therapy since last week when I wrote yet.  I need to wait and go next week - it's been good and helps to talk to someone new - but seriously, it doesn't give new ideas - this website and my own friends have long been giving me the same suggestions, have been more available to me and honestly, I do know just as much about BPD as they do... .   and you are absolutely right - that my acceptance of horrible treatment for the last 3 years has allowed this to escalate to the hideous abuse I now receive.  I am treading lightly but no way.  No way ever again will I allow him or anyone else on the planet to treat me this way.  The names I have been called in the last week alone ?   Un-freaking-believable.  The threats - he is now blackmailing me to make sure I don't report him to HR at work.  No joke.  I was stupid enough to tell him some very damaging information last year about our AVP - info that could get her fired.  Well, actually it's info that would have gotten her fired last year but I don't think it would now.  But he knows I'd NEVER take that chance because it would not only destroy her but also me there (she'd make sure of that if it came out).  Greaaaat... .    Yesterday he texted me to tell me he was going to leave and was looking for new jobs.   I could only be so lucky.   

And you know... .   I am still screwed up enough to miss him.  Him meaning the person I thought he was.  I am at least no longer delusional enough to think that guy is that person... .  

Thanks for checking guys... .   this support is TRULY helpful.  I really cannot believe how scared I have been now - guess it's this ongoing fear that pushed me to start getting physically sick.  I never get sore throats.  EVER.  To be sick like this for a solid week... .    well, time to be strong... .    

[Take2]

Have things gotten better Take 2? My ex still contacts me daily. I've been out of the house going on 7 months. I have divorced her. She refuses to cease. Still get rages but much better on that end. Im getting more of "since you don't want me the heart no longer matters so I may as well go ahead and just Fu... . all I can". She still vascilates between rational and irrational. She is delusional thinking I am coming back eventually. It's not happening. I would love to hear how it's going on your end.

As the peak insanity continues for me,  reading that your ex still does this to you daily is seriously disturbing... . will it ever stop... . ?

[letmeout]

I was co-dependent on my BPD ex too, and he sounds exactly like your BPD.

Here is a hard fact: He only wants to unload his pain on you. He never really loved you because he isn't really capable of love, he knows how to fake it, but he can't feel it.  Most important, do NOT have any sympathy for him, that is what he depends on so he can keep using and abusing you.

Do you know what finally made me end it with my BPD? It wasn't all the same scary crap you are going through now, it was realizing that he didn't really give a damn about me. Call your local woman's abuse shelter for help. They are trained better than most therapists in these situations.

Recovery is taking me a long time, but I am so much better off without Freddie Kruger sneering into my life. He is now busy with his next victim, and I feel safe and free at last.

[Take2]

Letmeout... .   thank you - I have actually considered calling the women's shelter so many times but just haven't gone thru with it.  I even had a friend beg me to call 5months ago but at that time, it hadn't dawned on me that I truly needed it.

I will do it now.  it's really really bad with him - the stress of his family crisis right now has made him boil over and direct all pain and anger my way.  I do fully understand that he isn't the person I thought he was and that he is not capable of true love.

Can I ask you though how long the abuse kept up after you ended it?

I have now ended it for the first time - multiple times in the last fewweeks - but you would think that I never said that because of his responses... .    

I am so afraid now that it will never end... .   I really want to just hide under a rock until he stops looking for me... .     :'(

[letmeout]

How did it go at your local women's abuse shelter? They have well trained domestic violence counselors who can tell you how to get rid of him and how to get your sanity and happiness back.  I had to put up with some stalking behavior on my ex's part for about 6 months.

I bought a track phone and gave my ex that number to use. Yes, he left tons of messages, but I never read his texts or listened to any of his voice mails. I gave the phone to a friend to keep (so I wouldn't be tempted to listen) but they would now and then, and always reported that it was nothing but his rage or the same BS over and over. 

He finally gave up the chase when he realized that nothing he did or said was having any affect on me at all.

I think the track phone did give him some relief because he had something to rage into, thinking I would listen. After he got tired of getting no response out of me, he found someone else that would respond to his manipulations.

[Take2]

I didn't call yet - but I did get their number and promised myself I will call tomorrow.  Friday I was busy fielding all insanity being directed at me again and honestly forgot because it took all of my strength to just be at work. 

Can I ask what made you truly KNOW he didn't care about you?  how can you tell when they can flip that switch back to loving mode?  Okay so on Friday he capped off this week's INTENSE insanity/rage/anger with threats and blackmail if I report him to HR at work - he capped off this week with flipping the switch and as we wound up walking out of the building at the same time, he wanted to hold me in the elevator and told me that he has decided he will trust me, pointing out how difficult it is (to make sure I understand he is doing ME a favor) and then we talked for a while - him telling me how he loves me, how hard his life is now, that he's lost both parents (not accurate, his dad did have a stroke but is back home.  His mom is there - yet he claims she has "lost her mind" since the stroke and will never be the same.  This clearly can't be true.  He is CLEARLY trying to play on my sympathies since I lost my own dad 6 months ago for real and my mom 10 years ago.)

This switch in tactic scares me just as much as the rage.  And at the same time, I swear that even though the stuff he says is either partly or completely skewed, I wind up feeling badly - he has gotta FEEL something in there - or he IS the most disturbing personality who could fake that... .   I can know that intellectually but emotionally I struggle with truly getting how someone could fake something like that... .

All that said - I am not foolish enough to believe any of it.  Even if I did, my fears are so intense these days I can't.  I just long for peace. 

The call to the shelter is being made first thing tomorrow (can't call around my daughter over weekend).

[letmeout]

That loving mode isn't real, they are just good actors. Trust me. Remember, they are some seriously disturbed individuals who happen to have one or more personality disorders.

Why can't you call with your daughter around? Our sons gave me a bit of trouble for going to the abused women's center and telling them all about it. I don't know if they were embarrassed or what. Their father instilled in them to never ever air our dirty laundry to anyone. You have got to tell others what is happening, the more trusted people you tell, the sooner your nightmare ends.

My ex's pathological lying and rage almost robbed me of my own sanity; he could not be honest about anything and incredibly enough, he believed his own lies!

Seriously. I was unaware that he had been on a smear campaign against me for long before I left him and most of what he told others was complete made up BS. Yes, that was one of the final straws. That proved he did really not care for me.

Did you make that call?

The first time I went to my center, they gave me a list of 50 things an abuser does or has done or says and my ex hit 49 of them. Talk about an eye opener! I knew him for what he really was inside at that moment. All abusers have the same MO.