having a bad day, not sure what to do next

[enough abuse]

Well it has just been one of those days.  It has been nearly 3 months since NC with my UBPD sister.  Some days I feel like I have a handle on it and can go on and build my life and other days, the "why me and how can this be happening to me" overwhelms me.  I just feel like this is gonna keep popping up in one way or another the rest of my life and it just brings me down terribly.  I love summer and I have 2 beautiful boys 4 and 6 who are so much fun and it is so fun to see them play and have fun but this "lump" just keeps bringing me down. 

Today I spoke to my mother.  Her health is much improved and she is doing well (her poor health started the whole last episode with my sister) and mom lived with me for 6 weeks getting back on her feet.  Now, her significant other is ill and in the hospital so hopefully he recovers as well.

My sister's last episode with my mom was having her 3 kids ages 11,12 and 14 call and cuss my mom out and tell her they did not want her to go to grandparents day at school and the 14 year old was swearing at my mom and calling her a liar.  My mom handled it well and just had no contact.  Two days after this episode my sister texts my mom and asks her to go the the kids ball games.  I was proud of my mom for not going.  The kids cant treat her this way and then in 2 days's it "OK".  This is so hard for me because I love the kids and I know the kids are in a bad situation and not to mention not able to grasp what is going on here. 

Now, I talked to my mom and apparently my sister texted her asking to use her tractor and my mom said "yes" so when my mom got home, she had left her some bananna bread.  This is my sisters way of looking for the "crack" in the circle of abuse to get back it.  She has been looking hard and my mom has stuck to her word and not taken the abuse.  Now my mom is saying "well if she can be nice I will talk to her"  I don't want to sound heartless and negative here but I have been through this for about 13 years and know EXACTLY what is gonna happen.  My sister is very smart at her game, will start with little things and then pretty soon things will be "OK" for awhile... .    I have made up my mind of NC for the rest of my life.  I just can't go through this terrible pain and suffering AGAIN.  The other big factor is that my kids are getting older and I REFUSE to allow them to be a victim of hers and they will be NO DOUBT. 

The problem is I know I can't control my mom's life and she needs to make her own decisions but I am the ONLY other person she has.  I get so frustrated when my mom does this and by expressing my disapproval I upset my mom and I truly do NOT want to do that.  I just don't know how my mom can have any kind of relationship with her and with me.  My mom is clearly on board and has sought professional help as well and understands but I fear she is going to go back for more abuse.  She is doing it because she wants to see the kids and I understand that but the kids TOLD HER OFF AND SWORE at her... . that is NOT OK... . she agrees but I don't know what will happen.  I have made it very clear to my mom we will not have holidays together again and the social worker we have seen has worked with my mom on how she needs to respect this of me and how I need to protect my family and "detach" from this situation.  I know when my mom gets sucked back in it will be my "fault" that we can't have a "family" gathering.  My mom DOES understand why but she like me... . grieve what we wish we could have.   I feel really bad because I just got off the phone with my mom and told her to be careful and not to let my sister in the "crack".  If this happens the cycle starts all over again and I just can't do this again.  Each time it is harder and harder on me and it just can't happen.

My other issue is that my niece the 14 year old I have referred to here has a birthday in a few weeks.  She is also my godchild.  I have always loved that kid and have never forgot her birthday.  At Thanksgiving time she was having a rought time and confided a lot to my mom about what was happening at the house and my sister befriending this widowed man with 3 kids and basically he is part of their family.  My sister goes shopping and calls this guy several times a day etc. etc... . Lets just say a very inappropriate relationship for a married woman to have with a single man.  They were all to come to my house for Thanksgiving when my sister assumed did not even "ask" if this man his 3 kids and another single guy in the neighborhood could all come and spend the night at my house.  I said "NO" first my husband has never met this guy and this was completely inappropriate.  When I told my sister they could not all come she canceled them comming.  She then proceded to tell the kids how I ruined the holdiay and she knew I would like I always do.  I spoke to the 14 year old told her I did NOT cancel the holday and they were all welcome to come but Dan and his kids were not welcome as it was not appropriate.  (the kids has expressed to my mom he was way to involved in their family prior) I was not about to feed into the situation.  I also told her her mother had a problem and I has seen a professional and this has gone on for many years.  She understood.  At this time the kids were on the bottom of the circle of abuse.  Well when these things took place the kids told her I said she was "mental".  Well I don't know if I shold send my niece a birthday gift or not.  It might come back to me with a note saying they don't want anything from me or this might just still the pot.  The kids are innocent and I am really stressed about what to do. 

Please help

[GeekyGirl]

That's a tough spot to be in, enough. It sounds like you're in a place where you feel like you need to protect your mother, avoid being hurt by your sister, and show your niece that you care, which is probably putting a lot of stress on you. 

It's good that you recognize that you can't control what your mother does. It has to be very difficult for her to accept your sister's erratic behavior, and I'm sure it's quite painful. She may be enabling your sister, but that's her choice. Have you read up at all on the Karpman Triangle? Do you feel that you can separate your relationship with your mother with your relationship with your sister?

What you can do is work with your mother to set some limits. How would she respond if you asked her to keep her relationship with your sister between the two of them?

I can understand why you're nervous about sending your niece a present and how that might start some other issues. It may mean a lot to your niece, though, to know that you care and are thinking about her. It may also make you feel better to know that you've made an effort to make her feel loved. What would happen if you did receive a note from your sister or niece after sending the gift?

[Levi78]

Please send a gift to your niece. Actions speak louder than words -- her mother may be trashing you at their house, but the niece will REMEMBER that you did indeed send a gift and good wishes. Don't be hurt if the gift is returned/allegedly thrown away -- that is your sister at work.

I've been in this girl's situation. Deep down she will be happy to know you're thinking of her. Someday this kid will grow up and remember that you were a stable, supportive adult in her life.

Just my two cents.

[enough abuse]

Thanks for the advise and I likely will send the gift to my niece,  I am confident when the kids grow up really think with their own mind, if she has not totally warped them... . they will remember all the experiences they had with me that they experienced themselves NOT what their mother told them.

I need to check out the info on the triangle... . sounds very appropriate... .

Thanks so much... .

[GeekyGirl]

Thanks for the advise and I likely will send the gift to my niece,  I am confident when the kids grow up really think with their own mind, if she has not totally warped them... . they will remember all the experiences they had with me that they experienced themselves NOT what their mother told them.

I'd be willing to bet that your niece will remember your kindness regardless of what your sister tells her.

I like this description of the Karpman Triangle as I've seen it played out a number of times within my family: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle . Do you see any of this going on with your mother and sister?

[Vivgood]

I always send something to my nephew for Xmas, despite the fact that I have been NC with his mom for 11+ years. We don't get any acknowledgement, we don't even know if he gets the gifts. but my thinking is that  he didn't choose to have a mom with a mental illness and can't be held responsible for her crazy; the kid deserves what tiny bit of kindness/connection we can give him, regardless, his life is hard enough. Its just the choice of integrity to extend that even if he doesn't ever acknowledge it, and doesn't ever choose to the walk through that opening. I still want to keep it open at least a crack.


vivgood