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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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laelle
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« Reply #30 on: June 05, 2013, 03:03:07 PM »

Maybe I can be my Co dependent self and save him from "me" 

If I wanted to learn French I would be paying attention in class.   We will see how it goes.  I, of course, still have some pretty strong feelings for my ex, but I cant act on them because its

futile.  Best to move onward and forward.
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MammaMia
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« Reply #31 on: June 05, 2013, 03:27:05 PM »

laelle

Stop being so hard on yourself.  YOU are not the problem, and you cannot FIX your ex.  He is broken. 

Yesterday is dead and gone, the future has not yet been.  Today is a gift... . that is why it is called the present. 

Think about it.  There is so much truth to that old saying. 
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laelle
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« Reply #32 on: June 05, 2013, 03:33:26 PM »

Your right MammaMai,

That is exactly what I am going to do... .   cherish the gift of a new start.
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schwing
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« Reply #33 on: June 05, 2013, 05:47:11 PM »

Hi Laelle,

I did what I said I wasnt going to do and sneaked a peak at my ex's twitter.  He had said something sexually explicit to another woman.

So many things went through my head.  I dont blame him for it, he has every right to do it, and I knew he would.  He told me himself that he cant be alone.  Of course he would be scouting.

It really got me feeling bad tho.  The times he made me feel bad for seeing someone else when we broke up back a year and a half ago.  He NEVER let me live that down.

There's a reason why so many nons have decided to go "NC" (no contact)... . for some time it's just too painful to be curious.  You might consider NC the next time your curiosity peaks.  I won't blame you if you are curious though.  I'm still curious and it's been over a decade for me.

I guess I pretty much feel like everyone else does... . Is his life really such a "party" now?  I am just now starting to think about making new friends, I am certainly NOT to the point of speaking sexually to another person.  He means more to me than that.

His life needs to take the appearance of a "party" because that his part of his seduction.  He needs to seduce them sufficiently before someone is willing to overlook the occasional red flag and continue to stay with him as the disordered feelings and behaviors start slowly to escalate.

I don't think pwBPD have the emotional maturity to even begin to approach a feeling as complex and intense as grief.  It is the difference between moving on -- learning from your experience, and repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

After knowing all that I know about my ex, what is keeping me stuck?  

You cannot recover from abandonment and betrayal so quickly and without some work on your part.  This is why some therapists call it "griefwork."  Sometimes the processing of intense and powerful emotions occur more on the order of months and years, instead of days and weeks.  It all depends on the degree and intensity of your attachment in the first place.

Why cant I just accept what I KNOW to be true and move on?  Is something wrong with me?

Because knowledge is not the same as wisdom.  The effort it takes for your mind to learn something and accept it, is completely different from the effort it takes for your heart to believe something and accept it.  Something tells me there are many French sayings when it comes to the relationship between one's mind and one's heart.

I dont want him in my life and yet it bothers me that he is so good without me.

You don't know how well he is doing.  You don't know how badly he is doing.  What if what he is going through is very similar to what you are going through -- and what is different is how you each handle these feelings?  You know that there are still emotions that you need to come to terms with before you can move on.  But what if you have some other conflicting internal impulse, that in spite of your feelings of grief and loss, you feel a need to find someone new, or else you fear you might sudden cease to exist (or that you might even go mad).  See his presentation to the world, not as evidence of his mental well being, but as evidence for his desperation and delusion.

He *needs* everyone else to believe he is happy and grand.  Because if people don't believe this, he might stop believing it himself.  And then he would fall into an abyss.  You were witness to part of this abyss.

The world didnt end from me looking and im not in tears, but I feel abnormal.  Like I shouldnt feel sad about a person

who erased me so quickly and is "seemingly" having no problem moving on.

The world didn't end from you looking, but you might have peeked under your band-aid and opened up a wound that is still healing.  

You feel like you should be more like him.  But then again, don't you accept that he is the one who is disordered?  Or is there a part of you that questions that, that questions your own experience?

Ahhh, the woes of loving someone who is insane.

It was not all bad.  It may be too soon for you to consider, but he may have taught you things about yourself you never knew.  He may have showed you qualities you may want for yourself.  And in time you can aspire towards these qualities.  But the most he could be for you was a mirror.

After seeing him flirt around last nite, I signed up for an online dating service this morning.  Im sorry but it just feels creepy to me.  I thought maybe I could meet someone for coffee or something, but all I could think about was my ex.  I am not ready, but at least 49 people want to meet me.  

Ahhh, the woes of being a single, available woman... . in France, no less.  Ha!

I don't know where I hear/read this but someone once said, the quickest way to mend a broken heart, is to fall in love.  I feel conflicted about this message.  To tell you the truth, this is what I did; I fell in love much too soon and it was the undoing of that relationship.  Perhaps you should ask yourself this before you decide which route is better for you:

Would you want to fall in love with a very suitable person, but then risk losing it because you were not fully resolved with your previous relationship?  This is the risk of dating and courtship while you are still "emotionally" unavailable; causal dating fine... . but serious dating?  I don't think so.  Being emotionally unavailable may actually make you more popular and desirable.  But it may also make it more difficult for you to be happy.  And nothing is more attractive (in my opinion) than "happy."

Ok, most of these guys only speak French so bleh, but one I was talking to speaks English so I was talking to him.

Total BPD alert.  He immediately assumed that I didnt want to continue to talk because I didnt respond quick enough and assumed I would not download an app on my cellphone, and tried to guilty me.

Life is just too scary for me.  Why cant God just open up the heavens and drop a nice man without issues in my lap?  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Because life only serves you what you are able to handle.  And any lessons we fail to learn the first time, we will repeat.  Because there is no better instructor in life, than pain.

In my experience, emotional-unavailability attracts emotional-unavailability.  And sadly, I think there are more people who date from a position of some kind of insecurity and unhappiness, than there are people who date from a position of happiness... . especially online.  But hey, these are the trends of the future?  C'est la vie.

Best wishes, Schwing
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laelle
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« Reply #34 on: June 06, 2013, 04:50:27 AM »

Met him, and he wants to take me out Sunday.  I guess i did ok.
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LetItBe
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« Reply #35 on: June 06, 2013, 09:08:57 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #36 on: June 06, 2013, 09:32:24 AM »

Great! How much do you want to go out with him on Sunday?
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laelle
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« Reply #37 on: June 06, 2013, 09:54:39 AM »

Fair enough Grey.   
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MammaMia
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« Reply #38 on: June 06, 2013, 12:48:18 PM »

laelle

Of course he wants to see you again!  What is there not to like about you?   Sounds like the language barrier is not a barrier after all.  He is probably also wondering if HE did well during your coffee.  To be nervous is normal.

Did you say yes or are you still thinking about it?
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laelle
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« Reply #39 on: June 06, 2013, 12:55:22 PM »

I told him yes, and we agreed to keep in touch. I dont want to crowd him but I dont want him to think im not interested either.

I dont know if he was really interested or if he just asked me out again because he felt he was put on the spot.
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MammaMia
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« Reply #40 on: June 06, 2013, 01:05:48 PM »

laelle

Just go with the flow and see what happens.  Did you find him interesting and likable?
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laelle
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« Reply #41 on: June 06, 2013, 01:20:49 PM »

hrmm, I dont know.  With my ex I didnt have to "try" he idealized me.  Was part of what I liked about it all.  He was cute, funny, and wanted me.

This guy isnt chasing.  I think he waits for me to chase him, and this could be a problem because I wont chase.  I feel uncomfortable having to put myself out there.

It leaves me feeling vulnerable.
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laelle
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« Reply #42 on: June 06, 2013, 03:17:24 PM »

Nah, im going to cancel.  Not just because I still have feelings for my ex, but I'm not ready.

I need more time just taking care of me.
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #43 on: June 06, 2013, 04:02:43 PM »

Excerpt
Nah, im going to cancel.  Not just because I still have feelings for my ex, but I'm not ready.

I need more time just taking care of me.

This is wise.
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MammaMia
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« Reply #44 on: June 06, 2013, 05:30:31 PM »

laelle

If you are not ready... . and that is perfectly ok.  You will know when you are, but remember that this man (or any other) is not your ex and never will be.  You cannot move forward until you reach the point where you stop comparing everyone to him.

Down the road, you will be fine.  Just give yourself more time to grieve and heal.  And, btw, it is ok to have male FRIENDS with no expectations of more.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #45 on: June 06, 2013, 08:37:20 PM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) There are guys out there who wanna date you!

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  You are getting to know yourself and realized you aren't ready.

All good news for you! (Of course there is a French guy who is losing out   )
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laelle
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« Reply #46 on: June 07, 2013, 01:07:14 AM »

I really didnt feel he was the "bad" side of my ex.  There is really nothing I could offer this guy.  

First I didnt really like him,  he kept having to get validation about himself from his cook(he owns a restaurant), and I felt like I was on a job interview.  I felt like he was going to tell me that

I start work on friday and wear black shoes and a white button down.  

The language barrier was a problem, but at least when I couldnt think of anything to say, I could pretend to be trying to translate what I wanted to say.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I forget sometimes that I have a choice too.  Its ok for me to not to feel a connection with someone.  I dont have to change to suit them, or accept what they are selling just

because I can buy it.

I dont think this French guy thinks he is losing out.  I think he has many fish in his ocean.  I'm not in the mood to be one of them today.  

When I agree to meet a guy on a date, I will at least stop looking for another guy until the day is over.  
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VeryFree
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« Reply #47 on: June 07, 2013, 01:12:40 AM »

Very good insights Laelle!

We all have choices, allthough a lot of us didn't realise that in our past r/s. Or if we did, we made the wrong choices: chose for our SO instead of for ourself.

And that's when the world will be a better place for us: when we accept we are allowed to make choice that are good for us!
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laelle
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« Reply #48 on: June 07, 2013, 01:17:11 AM »

Well, at the very least, I have realistic view of him.  No idealization.  If I do go out, there is no pressure on me.  I feel the BPD  PD traits
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #49 on: June 08, 2013, 09:58:25 PM »

Hi Laelle,  I feel very similar to you right now.  I've made some female friends, but that's all they are.  We will talk and text occasionally, but I haven't let anything go further than that.  I don't feel ready, either.  It's ok to be where you are, and where I am.

I like what you said about realizing you have choices.  This is very important.  I've been realizing that more in my life as well.  Honor what feels right to you.  I also understand still having feelings for your ex.  But I encourage you, and myself, too, to keep walking away from your ex.  There will be someone there for both of us eventually.
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laelle
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« Reply #50 on: June 09, 2013, 04:04:14 AM »

Phonenix - 

I have noticed something and I need some advice, I have noticed two types of people on the dating website. 

Ones I feel like I could tell things too, and those that I dont want to share the real me with.  Why is that?

The answer is probably obvious and smacking me in the face, but I dont get it.  Which is the right way to feel?
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #51 on: June 09, 2013, 10:18:11 AM »

The answer is probably obvious and smacking me in the face, but I dont get it.  Which is the right way to feel?

Here's my take on the obvious answer:

Some people are safe to share your real self with, some aren't.

Your heart/mind/intuition is trying to tell you which bin the people on the dating site belong in.

Spend a bit of time examining those feelings and see if you can figure out what makes some of them seem safer than others. Perhaps there are a few Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  gently waving flags?
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Phoenix.Rising
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« Reply #52 on: June 11, 2013, 12:30:23 PM »

Do you want to be able to share your true self with the person your intimate with? 

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laelle
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« Reply #53 on: June 11, 2013, 04:56:44 PM »

How can I be anything else than what I am?  I exist as me.

I should be with people who are compatible with me.  Those that I cant share with, are not compatible I guess.
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laelle
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« Reply #54 on: June 12, 2013, 03:41:05 AM »

You like and know who you are when your with someone who may be compatible... . You dont have to try... .  1st green flag
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VeryFree
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« Reply #55 on: June 12, 2013, 07:24:57 AM »

"Compatible"

I like this word and think I know what you mean by it: everything feels okay when you're together, whether you're talking or when there are long silences. Everything just is fine. Just one remark is enough to understand.

When not been together for a while (even years) the first time when you meet again, it seems like no time has past. Something like that?

But still: when I first met my stbBPDw I had that feeling. After the first fifteen minutes it seemed like we had know each other for years. A few months later things became different, but I still felt partly compatible. Ten years later, sometimes I felt that way, but I know better now.
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