How much time should I spend studying BPD?

[detachwlove]

I've been reading a lot of the literature on this site about "Surviving a Breakup with a pwBPD."  

One of the recovery tips is to try to understand my BPDex by studying up on the disorder.

My breakup was 6 weeks ago and honestly I'm tired of obsessing over her BPD problem.  Mainly because she refuses to accept she has BPD and had put all the blame on our breakup squarely on me.  So it makes me resentful having to read about her problem when I'm 100% sure she's not spending a minute of her time trying to figure out her part in any of this.  

With my codependency, dealing with the fallout of dating a pwBPD for a year is a tough & dangerous road.  Because I tend to fall into the "it's all my fault" mentality and think "she can't be blamed for treating me like crap.  She's got an illness."  Honestly, that doesn't bring me much comfort.  

I asked my therapist recently how much time I should devote trying to understand my ex's BPD.  Since I'd been reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells" and spending a lot of time on this board.  She said, like everyone in my life, to focus on myself.  Which is totally confusing to me.

At this point, I just want to quit ruminating 24/7 over the pain and hurt she's caused me.  I want to stop becoming nauseus & panicked everytime someone mentions her name.  I want to quit having nightmares about her.  And to quit living in fear of her ongoing smear campaign against me.  Lastly, I'd like to stop caring about a person whose actions have shown repeatedly she doesn't give a damn about me and never did.  And only used me until she'd found another guy who'd give her what she wanted.  

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.  My last 3 relationships have been with women who have either BPD or NPD and I'm emotionally & psychologically fried.  I've been trying to heal and move on for over a month.  Since none of my friends/family or Alanon support know what BPD is it's tough to get any real understanding.  And to know what the healthy thing is to do.  

Thanks for letting me vent.  

[Octoberfest]

One of my greatest regrets is that I did not spend more time researching BPD DURING my relationship... . I don't know that it would have changed the outcome, but maybe it would have saved me some pain.

Now that we are done and past the relationship itself, researching BPD, in my mind, is useful for only two reasons:

1) If you ever DO date another BPD

and

2) To better understand the behavior and find an explanation in some of it besides "she hates me and is a cold hearted person"

In my case it is #2.  It is helpful and healing to me to understand that the hurt and pain I experienced in my relationship with my dBPDex is much less a result of MY behavior and actions, and much more dependent on HER.  That it isn't a matter of me "failing" to do enough, of not trying hard enough, of not being good enough, but that it was just doomed to fail from the get go.

It helps me heal.  So i continue to do it.  Not for her sake, for mine.

[Clearmind]

If you are tired of reading it then listen to yourself.

My last 3 relationships have been with women who have either BPD or NPD and I'm emotionally & psychologically fried.  I've been trying to heal and move on for over a month.  Since none of my friends/family or Alanon support know what BPD is it's tough to get any real understanding.  And to know what the healthy thing is to do. 

Sounds like you are well versed in BPD. Any ideas why this is not your first rodeo?

[detachwlove]

If you are tired of reading it then listen to yourself.

My last 3 relationships have been with women who have either BPD or NPD and I'm emotionally & psychologically fried.  I've been trying to heal and move on for over a month.  Since none of my friends/family or Alanon support know what BPD is it's tough to get any real understanding.  And to know what the healthy thing is to do.  

Sounds like you are well versed in BPD. Any ideas why this is not your first rodeo?

That's what's frustrating.  My therapist has been having me go through my relationship history.  I've been reading through the various lesson articles on this board.  She wants me to ask myself what I expected to "solve" by staying with my BPD or NPDex's.  What I expected to gain or fix.  She thinks its because I was raised by 2 women who had mental illness.  (My Mom & Stepmom).  I'm pretty sure my Mom had BPD but they didn't call it that back in the 70's.  

One benefit of reading so much about BPD is that I can tell right away now when I encounter a pwBPD.  I know how to react better now and not get caught up in their melodrama & manipulation.  

Again, I'm just not sure if I'm devoting too much time to understanding BPD.  Or what I'm hoping to gain by reading books about it.  Since at this point I've kept to my No Contact rule since May 25th.  And I have no desire to speak to her or see her ever again.  I guess the point is to understand the disorder so I don't jump into another relationship w a pwBPD right away.  Since that's been my pattern the last 3 years.    

[Clearmind]

I didn't read much about BPD. My Therapist pretty quickly stopped me ruminating about how my ex did me so wrong - this is victim mode. She turned to me and why I chose it.

I also have a parent with strong BPD traits and who is also an alcholic. Work with your therapist on the bearing this type of upbringing it can have on your adult life.

We learn our relationship skills from our primary care givers.

[mrclear]

Dear detachwlove,

It's important to read about BPD to find the answers we seek in regards to the toxic relationship with a Borderliner. It detaches us from the shame and guilt we still feel towards the r/s and helps us recognize the red flags in others. Since the Borderliner will not try to find closure or reflect on the r/s, it is up to us to do the work and ultimately, try to move on with a better understanding of ourselves.

A lot of us ask the question what we could have done if we had found out about BPD earlier, or what we could have done to prevent the r/s from failing. The answer is: nothing.

Firstly. You found out at just the right time. (I found out a year before we split from a 15-year marriage). If we had known at the start of the r/s, we would have just waved it off and stuck to the realization that we were different and could save the BPD. The idealization-stage would have been a great insipration for this false conclusion. If we would have found out later, it would have been a long, hard road in any scenario. If the BPD was diagnosed, you would have to support them through years of therapy with a different roallercoaster-ride to master. If they were undiagnosed, the chances of a positive outcome would be practically non-exsistent. In both cases, you would end up sacrificing and losing yourself.  

The real reason to read about and understand BPD, is to find the way back to who we really are. Why we seek or keep seeking dysfunctional realtionships and how to break that cycle. It's about the patterns you mention. To stop repeating those patterns, we have to go back to the source. What r/s with a parent or other SO inspired us to invent these patterns and repeat them? Therein lies the answer we seek.

If we continue on this path and resolve our own issues, reading and ruminating about BPD will automatically become a fading obsession. It's important to understand what happened, but even more important to accept the change that this experience inspires.

atb, mrclear

[Murbay]

Oktoberfest, I'm in complete agreement with your reasons.

Mine is more for the first reason but also to gain insight as to why I ended up in the relationship I did. As for the 2nd point, my T came straight out and told me that she was at fault for the way the relationship went, I shouldn't question my own behaviour and actions and that had he been in my shoes, he wouldn't have been in the relationship as long as I had. I was also very fortunate that my T initially started out as my exBPDw's T so he is working with first hand information.

However, I do still question my behaviour and actions because I do accept that sometimes I was unfair, sometimes I reacted in the very same way she did in an argument but for me it was out of frustration that how can it be ok for one person to behave that way and say it's acceptable but when the other person does it, it's wrong? So yes, I felt badly for purposely mirroring my ex at times. To add to the confusion, after doing that during one argument, she turned around and told me she thought I had BPD 

I do sometimes wish I had known about it before, because there was a lot of frustration over validation for irresponsible and illogical behaviour. I would have been able to handle those situations a little better, more for my own sanity than anything else.

Now it is more of a case of learning why I ended up in the relationship I did and making sure I don't fall into that cycle again.

[Angelnme]

I have been with my uBPDbf for 9 years, just very recently stumbled upon the fact that he has BPD. I read Stop Walking On Eggshells last week and I can tell you this: it helped me to understand the disorder and thus FORGIVE (at least try, at this point) his behaviors. Forgiveness isn't about the other person, it's about us. When we forgive, we release our anger and resentments for the sake of our own happiness.

Just know 2 things:

Her behavior is not your fault.

You deserve to be happy

[fromheeltoheal]

I can relate Detach.  I had no clue BPD existed when I left my ex, originally I thought she was a 'psychopath', whatever that is, and as Mr. Google guided me through the interwebs, I think starting at wikipedia, and I eventually landed on that constellation of traits we've all come to love around here, and eventually this website.  I've noticed it's gone in phases, the first on being 'hey, I'm not crazy, it's not me!', which was very comforting, along with seeing here that I'm by no means the only one.  And them learning all about BPD, kind of interesting in a way, and explained a lot, some of which pissed me off but was validating.  And then looking deeper and granted, she's got her sht, but I've got mine, and what happened between us was a loaded bond.  And then focusing on me, which is where I am pretty much full time now, 10 months NC, and moving forward with that, and realizing that this is still a BPD-focused website that reminds me of her when I don't think about her hardly at all any more.  So I see where you're coming from; learning all about BPD has it's place, but after a while, in order to fully detach, we need to be over it.  I've been spending more time on the Personal Inventory board, which is where I am in my process, and folks talk about themselves and not their BPD ex mostly over there.  So I agree, how much is too much, and when does focusing on BPD get in the way of our growth?  Great questions.

[flynavy]

For me... . the longer I obsessed with trying to understand BPD/NPD it kept me attached to the person I wanted to detach from.  Makes sense... . the only reason why I was researching this thing to death was because of her... . thus the attachment!

It doesn't take long to figure out what you were dealing with... . heck, 1st day on this site I saw a pattern of behavior with almost everyone story I read that mimicked my experience... . childlike, projection, mirroring, gaslighting, lying, cheating, deception, splitting.  Accepting this is the hard part.  For me it was how could I be so stupid,... . I consider myself pretty street smart after everything I've been through in my life.

Thanks to Clearmind... . I started to focus inside... . who am I... . what made me vulnerable to this type of person, why did I choose to put up with it... . this is where/when the detaching started to happen... . little by little.  It was amazing for me, the more I looked inside I began to really see her for what/who she is... . and I am grateful I got out when I did before any more damage was done to me, physically, emotionally and financially!

[MaybeSo]

My breakup was 6 weeks ago and honestly I'm tired of obsessing over her BPD problem.  Mainly because she refuses to accept she has BPD and had put all the blame on our breakup squarely on me.  So it makes me resentful having to read about her problem when I'm 100% sure she's not spending a minute of her time trying to figure out her part in any of this.

   

You don't HAVE to read or do anything... . it is just suggested to read about the disorder only because it can be helpful to learn about it if you have a loved-one with those symptoms as it helps depersonalize the frustrating symptoms/behaviors... . but you don't really have to do anything... . and if you have read enough and are done, then you are done!  

With my codependency, dealing with the fallout of dating a pwBPD for a year is a tough & dangerous road.  Because I tend to fall into the "it's all my fault" mentality and think "she can't be blamed for treating me like crap.  She's got an illness."  Honestly, that doesn't bring me much comfort.  

Codependency is a learned, dysfunctional way of relating and it does not facilitate connection.  Your ex is not responsible for your codependent symptoms (including your tendency to blame yourself for things that aren't your business or are out of your control.), and you are in no way responsible for her BPD symptoms.  Healing from both BPD and Codependency requires hard work and a shift toward real self care and self responsibility.  My relationship with my BPD person was the painful push I needed to start addressing my own distorted thought processes and to get healthier about my relating style and cleaning up my codependent side of the street.  

She said, like everyone in my life, to focus on myself.  Which is totally confusing to me.

It's probably totally confusing because the arrangment with codependence is an addiction to NOT attending to self in favor of becoming embroiled in other's issues, or rescuing, or workaholism, or spiritualism, or do-goodism... . anything to distract from self. Shifting this habit is part of the recovery process... . turning the focus onto to self (the only person on this earth you really have any control of and really need to have a good relationship with!)

At this point, I just want to quit ruminating 24/7 over the pain and hurt she's caused me.  I want to stop becoming nauseus & panicked everytime someone mentions her name.  I want to quit having nightmares about her.  And to quit living in fear of her ongoing smear campaign against me.  Lastly, I'd like to stop caring about a person whose actions have shown repeatedly she doesn't give a damn about me and never did.  And only used me until she'd found another guy who'd give her what she wanted.  

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.  My last 3 relationships have been with women who have either BPD or NPD and I'm emotionally & psychologically fried.  I've been trying to heal and move on for over a month.  Since none of my friends/family or Alanon support know what BPD is it's tough to get any real understanding.  And to know what the healthy thing is to do.  

Thanks for letting me vent.

If you have had three r/s with BPD/NPD women... . the universe is knocking at your door pretty flippin hard!  When are you going to open the door?  The key is to take the time to really heal and grow from these experiences. This is in your life for a REASON.  :)on't ignore it or shun it.  It will take more than a month to understand yourself, and why  you choose these relationships, and why you abandon yourself.  I started getting better when I quit framing my experience as being a victim, and reframed the experience as a huge wake up call about ME and how I need to get healthier and take better care of myself.

Since at this point I've kept to my No Contact rule since May 25th.  And I have no desire to speak to her or see her ever again.  I guess the point is to understand the disorder so I don't jump into another relationship w a pwBPD right away.  Since that's been my pattern the last 3 years.

Part of the benefit in learning about BPD is understanding the signs and red flags up front and that can be a useful, educational experience.  but really, the signs are often just common sense signs that people with good boundaries notice and act on right off the bat. We often did not act on them. For example, most grown ups don't fall for over the board idealization and grandiose instant love affair type scenarios.  Most grown ups with good boundaries would see the idealization/pounce at the beginning of a new romance as very immature and unsettling.  Most healthy grown ups don't tolerate abuse.  Most healthy grown ups know what they are responsible for and what it out of their control (what is mine to own, what is yours to own). If we are struggling in these areas, it means we have some learning to do about US.  So, the study of the signs still moves back to learning more about YOU and what has driven your choices up until now and how to really make better choices for yourself and care for yourself at a deep level.   That's where the real healing starts to kick in. And it takes time!  You are at the beginning of a very exciting process.

We all deserve to be happy.

We are also responsible for creating our own happiness and creating a life that works for us, or not.  The people in this world that happen to have BPD/NPD or such traits... . are not responsible for the quality of our lives.    If you are unhappy, look within and find out why!

Yes, it can be scary and painful, but anything worthwhile usually has scary, painful parts... . this is a really an exciting opportunity for you!

 

[detachwlove]

Thanks for all the feedback. 

I definitely get relief from my pain by learning more about BPD and sharing with others on this board.

I think being aware that I'm drawn to pwBPD is the first step.  And maintaining a no contact rule with all my BPDex's is crucial.  Everytime I interact with one of them I find myself going backwards. 

So I agree this is a great opportunity.  It's just emotionally painful as hell some days.   

 

[winston72]

Such good commentary and insight!  Thank you, all.  I have often felt concerned, similar I think to Detachwolve, that my time on the board is a form of obsessing on the relationship rather than moving forward.  But... . it really is all about confronting ourselves and gaining perspectives on ourselves as a result of this colossal pile-up.  The forensic, after-accident report is a chance to be personally enlightened about parts of ourselves that lead us into dangerous, painful places.  The process sucks, but not embracing it and learning will lead to much, much more frustration and pain.  Aarrgh!