How do I stop?

[Octoberfest]

I have posted it elsewhere, but I do not hate my ex... . or even dislike her really.  If anything, I just hurt for her.

I hurt for everything she has been through in her life... .

Abandoned by her father at birth

Abandoned by her mother and raised by her grandparents and a step father of sorts

Was raped

Drove cross country to meet her father at 18 and found out he was a piece of hit

Was physically abused by a boyfriend at 18

Was physically abused by a fiance at 19

Has been cheated on countless times

Tried to find love and worth by sleeping with people

My soul just hurts for her.  It hurts knowing that she has gone looking for love in all the wrong places, that she continues to walk that path, that she is aware of her problems, seeking help, and that they still catch up to her. I cannot imagine living with and through all that she has.  And it breaks my heart that she has had to deal with all that she has, because I DO see the good person and sweet, lost girl underneath it all.  I see a soul so lost and I am going mad because I tried my best to "save" her and show her a better way, and give her something better, and I failed in it.  It hurts me to know that she hurts.  Yes, all she did was cheat on me.  But I don't believe she necessarily "wanted to".  It is a coping mechanism.

The way I grieve is by bottling all of my emotions up until I explode.  I know it isnt healthy.  I have tried so so so many times just to cry.  I get close randomly throughout the day, but I haven't been able to do it yet.  I lost a very close friend in a car crash last august.  His funeral was the day I met my BPDex.  I hadn't cried or let loose since it happened a week earlier, and the night after the funeral, the second day of knowing her, I showed up on her doorstep balling my eyes out.  And she just let me cry.  She held me and let me weep from the soul, and it was the most healing thing I have ever experienced.  I need to do it badly now, because it is killing me not to.  In a way, not having her in my life is as if she too has died. 

I know that I have been all over this forum the past week... . and I apologize.  I comment in most threads and end up sharing some piece of my story which usually ends up not relating at all to the original discussion... . I am sorry for that.  I am a mess and trying to cope the best that I can.

[GreenMango]

You are doing the best you can in rough times.  Keep talking that's why most come here too.

We all come here a bit of a mess. 

[seeking balance]

We are all a mess when we get here and all of us cope the best we can.

The tears will happen eventually... . they just do.

We don't get to force the stages of grief or control them... . just keep processing and doing the things to take care of you now.

Hang in there,

SB

[bpdspell]

It's nice to feel deep compassion for your ex but give yourself permission to be compassionate with yourself. You deserve compassion as well as she does. You deserve to release and feel your feelings and you deserve to heal from any repressed emotional pain you may be carrying. Repressed pain damages us in ways that cannot be accounted for.

Crying is one of those releases that 's a gift in the truest sense of the word. As a child I learned the toxic lesson that my feelings didn't matter and that they didn't deserve respect. It was one of the major reason why as an adult I never gave myself the permission to cry because I believed it made me a WEAK person. But in truth holding on to my negative feelings as practice nearly destroyed me. Especially after my BPD breakup. Thankfully the damage was painful enough for me to simply scream into a pillow and eventually the tears came. It hurt. My eyes were red and swollen from crying but I felt 5 years younger.

I've cried a zillion times since and I've never felt better.

Be good to yourself.