Please help with ideas on the next step

[Parents! Get help here!]

On Friday we will celebrate BPD DD18's high school graduation... . it has been a hard fought battle but thankfully she has been able to scrape through by the skin of her teeth. At this point I don't even care... . I just will be so incredibly relieved and thankful that she gets that little piece of paper in her hands!

My question is what is next? Becuase of how her mind works she has been completely unable to think about the next step other than in very vague terms. Is this typical of BPDs when experiencing life-changing events? She would like to take a couple of classes at the community college here and work. That is about the most specific she has gotten says she can't even think about it and isn't going to stress herself out about it until after graduation. The truth is with the lifestyle she is leading (basically unofficially living with her boyfriend) she isn't paying rent and comes home now and then to shower and get clothes and I know she is smoking pot daily... . that she really needs to move out. I feel like the boundaries that will need put in place will basically force her to move out. HOnestly, though, since she spends so much time with her boyfriend our relationship has gotten better. I think there is much less angst when I'm not seeing the "nothing" that she does all the time and how she basically is using him to not be home.

Anyhow... . any ideas on how to transition to a graduated adult living in the home or house rules that take into account that she is 18 and graduated? We really want her to move out... . and would appreciate any ideas you may have used or heard of. Thanks in advance for helping deal with this sensitive subject!

For now... . YAYAYAYAYAY... . GRADUATION! I feel like this is a celebration for our whole family and maybe there should be 5 of us in her gown on the stage on Friday! 

[mom2bkl]

On Friday we will celebrate BPD DD18's high school graduation... . it has been a hard fought battle but thankfully she has been able to scrape through by the skin of her teeth. At this point I don't even care... . I just will be so incredibly relieved and thankful that she gets that little piece of paper in her hands!

My question is what is next? Becuase of how her mind works she has been completely unable to think about the next step other than in very vague terms. Is this typical of BPDs when experiencing life-changing events? She would like to take a couple of classes at the community college here and work. That is about the most specific she has gotten says she can't even think about it and isn't going to stress herself out about it until after graduation. The truth is with the lifestyle she is leading (basically unofficially living with her boyfriend) she isn't paying rent and comes home now and then to shower and get clothes and I know she is smoking pot daily... . that she really needs to move out. I feel like the boundaries that will need put in place will basically force her to move out. HOnestly, though, since she spends so much time with her boyfriend our relationship has gotten better. I think there is much less angst when I'm not seeing the "nothing" that she does all the time and how she basically is using him to not be home.

Anyhow... . any ideas on how to transition to a graduated adult living in the home or house rules that take into account that she is 18 and graduated? We really want her to move out... . and would appreciate any ideas you may have used or heard of. Thanks in advance for helping deal with this sensitive subject!

For now... . YAYAYAYAYAY... . GRADUATION! I feel like this is a celebration for our whole family and maybe there should be 5 of us in her gown on the stage on Friday! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

congrats congrats on the graduation.

Your next steps are anout you.  Decide what is healthiest for you in your situation and set limits and timelines.

some examples

DD needs to be working in 2 weeks or needs to move out  (volunteering can be fine)

DD needs to doing the following chores daily or move out

DD needs to apply to 2 after high school programs by such a date.  (these can be college/tradeschool/voc tech/computer classes... . whatever she wants that is productive)

These are just thoughts as examples.  Your circumstances and boundries are yours to filter through what will work best.

[griz]

My DD graduated last August and also wanted to go to college. We had no choice but to opt for the local community college because she graduated in August after 11th grade so we hadn't even started thinking college.  The one piece of advice I will give you is have her take it slow.  College, even community college, is not high school.   DD only started with two classes and half way through she found this overwhelming.  Getting to classes, adjusting to college work, and of course the changes brought about anxiety.  We immediately sat down and talked to her about it and we agreed that she should drop one class and concentrate on just one class while working a small part time job.  She was able to handle this and see success which made the second semester much easier.  We once again talked about what she could handle and we settled on 12 credits instead of 15.  She worked hard but and was able to complete and do well in all four classes.  She is also taking two classes over the summer.  Subjects that she finds more challenging (Math). This way she can concentrate on only one subject and it will allow her to stay on tract taking only 12 credits per semester.

If you DD can take it slow and see progress and accomplishment hopefully she will gain confidence in herself and find that she actually enjoys college.  As far as your boundaries maybe have a conversation with her about what works for both of you.  I have had to give DD more freedom and allow her to show me that she will be respectful of my rules.  We have our usual teenage disagreements but for the most part she has been following the rules.  I would get through graduation and let her destress a little before you sit down to do this.  Maybe a week or so if that works for you.


And ENJOY THE GRADUATION AND YES YOU SHOULD ALL BE UP THERE BECAUSE WITHOUT YOU IT WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED.

Griz

[heronbird]

First of all I would like to say the very fact that any of these people get their grades is amazing and really hard going for them at times. My dd didnt get anything at all dropped out of school, no one tried to help her.

So well done to her

What I did with my dd, I didnt ask her too much, I found out what she liked and then I contacted an adult college and with special permission they let her go to it as she had to be 18 and she was 17. I suggested it to dd and she loved the idea.

I knew she liked creative writing and they did a very short course only 4 hours a week, I didnt want to aim too high, be realsitic.

She decided to book another course for art as well but it did end up being too much for her.

Also, I just want to say with the cannabis, this is not a good thing for them at all, it ends up making them worse. My dd ended up really bad when she took that. So just keep an eye out on that, I ended up thinking it was her BPD but now found out cannabis does not mix well with her medication and mental health. It gave her horrible hallucinations.

[jellibeans]

congrats!

What a relief it must be... . I know there was much stress at the end but she made it... . I think you already got some good advise but I also wanted to say I do think taking it slow would be good... . not a full course load to start. My dd doesn't transition well and I am wondering if this is a BPD trait. I think you should give yourself and dd a little destressing time but put your boundaries in place.

Celebrate a little... . it was probably ten times harder for your dd to graduate and that deserves a big high five! Congrats to you for getting through that time.  

[vivekananda]

mom2bkl   

What excellent good news, I bet you are proud   I had a good laugh at the image of all of you up on the stage accepting your certificate ... . in the same gown... . what a sight 

Have you seen this? It may be helpful.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

There is also a book with an excellent reputation: "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend.

This transition is really important for you and your dd. I agree with what the others have said and want to add my thought that if anything is too stressful, it can be counter productive. Having said that, I know that my dd would say she was stressed at the idea of getting up in the morning... . it is all relative. The other thing is the unhelpfulness of self medication, ie Marijuana. My danger antenna start vibrating intensely at that thought.

I suppose it is a negotiation into adulthood that requires you to relinquish your responsibility for her, and allows her to accept responsibility for herself. Added to this, which can be traumatic for anyone, is the knowledge that this is a really important time for her to try to develop better coping strategies, while the adolescent brain is undergoing its own rapid processes. To explain a bit, I believe the adolescent brain goes through a 'culling, reinforcing process' which means that neural pathways that are often used are reinforced, while those that are not often used are culled away. So, developing a 'wisemind' is important. Don't despair though, we can rebuild our brains in lots of ways, if we want, so it is not the be all and end all.

Finally, where my dh and I are at, we would not have our dd living with us unless she was serious about therapy and was committed to her own mental health. This is our personal boundary - it is irrelevant though, because I don't think dd would ever return to us... . but she is 32.

What do you understand of boundaries etc? Keep us in touch, ok?

Vivek