I feel like I am losing my mind :-(

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, it has been an awful 48 hours... . expwBPD has instructed his family to stop contact with me.Portrayed me in the most awful terms.I am defeated by his actions... . utterly crushed.I am honestly at the stage where I am thinking "Was it me?".He spoke to me today... . seems I cause him misery and stress.Gave me a further list of my failings... . some were almost comedic.Others (such as "You couldn't even keep our baby alive" (referring to the loss of our little girl) just ripped me apart.I am struggling to comprehend the level of cruelty.How can he be normal to everyone else and so nasty to me?I am rock bottom today and feel totally isolated.I cannot even put into words some of the things that have been going on... . they are just too "twisted" for me to comprehend.I am so upset that I have made an appointment to see my doctor later today... . I can only hope that I find the strength to tell him what has been happening ( I tend to hide things as am too ashamed of what I have allowed to happen) and try and get some help.I just cannot cope anymore.I really can't.I have never ever felt as desperate... . I wish I could get angry but I just seem to becoming sadder every day.And so confused that no one seems to believe me when I confide in them... . surely if they did someone would try to help?Any tips on what to do next would be gratefully received.Because I am all out of logic and strength... . all out. :'(

[Nearlybroken]

Well, it has been an awful 48 hours... . expwBPD has instructed his family to stop contact with me.Portrayed me in the most awful terms.I am defeated by his actions... . utterly crushed.I am honestly at the stage where I am thinking "Was it me?".He spoke to me today... . seems I cause him misery and stress.Gave me a further list of my failings... . some were almost comedic.Others (such as "You couldn't even keep our baby alive" (referring to the loss of our little girl) just ripped me apart.I am struggling to comprehend the level of cruelty.How can he be normal to everyone else and so nasty to me?I am rock bottom today and feel totally isolated.I cannot even put into words some of the things that have been going on... . they are just too "twisted" for me to comprehend.I am so upset that I have made an appointment to see my doctor later today... . I can only hope that I find the strength to tell him what has been happening ( I tend to hide things as am too ashamed of what I have allowed to happen) and try and get some help.I just cannot cope anymore.I really can't.I have never ever felt as desperate... . I wish I could get angry but I just seem to becoming sadder every day.And so confused that no one seems to believe me when I confide in them... . surely if they did someone would try to help?Any tips on what to do next would be gratefully received.Because I am all out of logic and strength... . all out. :'(

[123Phoebe]

I am so upset that I have made an appointment to see my doctor later today... . I can only hope that I find the strength to tell him what has been happening ( I tend to hide things as am too ashamed of what I have allowed to happen) and try and get some help.I just cannot cope anymore.I really can't.I have never ever felt as desperate... . I wish I could get angry but I just seem to becoming sadder every day.And so confused that no one seems to believe me when I confide in them... . surely if they did someone would try to help?Any tips on what to do next would be gratefully received.Because I am all out of logic and strength... . all out. :'(

Nearlybroken, good for you for making a appointment with your Dr; please tell the doc what's happening inside of you.

What kind of help are you looking for from the people you're confiding in?  Can you find a way to provide it for yourself?

Take good care of you

[Validation78]

Hey NB!

I am so sorry to hear the pain and anguish in your words. I can relate, really! It's hard, all of the issues we have to deal with in these relationships, however, it can be done, with time and patience with yourself!

My suggestion with regards to the awful things he says about you and to you is to make up your mind that you cannot control it. He is spinning tales, and if you know that they aren't true, don't give him power by addressing them. When you get into a debate with someone who believes what they are saying, you cannot change their minds. Accept that he will do this, and you have to live with it. The people who really matter are the ones who love you and don't question your integrity. You don't have to defend yourself to them, they know your character, and no matter what he says, you and they know the truth. Live your truth, stand proud and confident that you are not what a disordered mind thinks you are. You don't have to listen to anything he says to you if you have no contact with him!

I too have always been private about my personal business. I can tell you that in the last 4 years, I have come to realize the power in numbers! When you reach out to others, you don't have to face this madness all alone. You'd be surprised how many people want to lend a hand, or just listen and offer validation. They will help you get your strength back. I have also found it helpful to journal. As I recorded events and conversations, it became apparent that I wasn't crazy, despite the name I gave the journal, "I must be crazy".

Hang in there! Develop a plan to get healthy, to move on with your life, and to leave this all in the dust. It won't be easy, but it will be well worth the effort!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[learningtowalkagain1]

I could have written your post myself. My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar position and really struggling. It is a sad state of affairs that hearts can be so taken advantage of. Some of the posts on my "losing grip topic" may help you. 

[roybern]

So much empathy with you and such a recognition of the horrible behaviors we are experiencing.

That's why I have to go :

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202937.0

[eniale]

Please listen to these words and say them to yourself "It is NOT me!"  It is not you, it is him, and you cannot let him get inside your head.  Something you said really resonated with me "How can he be so normal with everyone else and so nasty with me?"  My ex pwBPD was nasty, nasty, nasty to me -- he was close to his family and his sister (who he said really liked me) said to him (in my presence) several times, "Oh, R, you are so KIND!"  I thought "if she only knew him as I do!"  But that is how he is getting to you, you are starting to doubt yourself.  And his remarks about your baby?  That is the cruelest kind of verbal abuse.  Please get this book (very cheap, you can buy used copy in good condition online) The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.  My therapist had already suggested I research BPD based on what I told her of his behavior & she recommended the above book.  I thought verbal abuse was just cussing at someone but it is so much more.  They play with your minds -- example, he has you thinking perhaps it is your fault, when from what you wrote he is nothing more than a bully who verbally abuses you.  People with this disorder do great damage to a partner's self esteem and sense of self.  They can be very crafty, hence, others see him as "normal".  Do NOT let him undermine you.  Keep researching & please read this book.  Things WILL get better though they seem hopeless now.  I was there and now am 4 months NC and seeing things so much differently.  Best of luck!

[jp254958]

Oh nearly... . I am so very sorry for you. I was right where you are in terms of how I was feeling. I am sending the best of thoughts and compassion your way. I'm glad you found these boards because they were so very important to me in the aftermath of my ex leaving me, and they will be for you if you keep coming back.

These next few months will be very painful. Very confusing. You'll wonder why this happened to you all the time. You'll worry that the pain will never end. You will obsess over what happened. You'll think about the great times. You'll think about the awful times.  You will have so many thoughts and it will be debilitating for a long while. You will feel like you lost the love of your life at times, and they hate them for what they did to you the next.

The truth is you're in a fog right now and it's impossible to process everything in healthy terms. The truth is that you were in a relationship with a very, very, very mentally ill person. As you read, you'll find out that your ex has structurally underdeveloped parts of his brain that prevents him from managing emotion in a normal way and leads to impulsive, manipulative, cruel, unstable behavior. You'll feel sorry for him one moment and then realize that even awareness of their disorder doesn't make the pain any easier.

You'll also experience a lot of rebuilding and growth ahead. You will be stronger and smarter and you won't realize it while it's happening but when you look back, you'll realize that the pain brought you to a place where you are healthier than you were even before that awful relationship began. You'll realize that you deserve real love... . and that love exists in action vs. fleeting words, broken promises, or in manipulative, cruel, unstable actions.  Love is truly a stable and about compromise. It's balanced. It's taking care of yourself and your partner at the same time, and also receiving care from your partner.  Love is a partnership.

You may also realize that he didn't really love you and that he is incapable of love. That's basically true and one of the hardest things to accept. His love is shallow and fleeting... . it can't last, and that's not love. But he did the best he could.  He has very, very deep issues from childhood, probably from some form of abandonment trauma from unloving and/or absent parents, or from something even far worse in his childhood. It's not his fault how he became who he is. He's a child in an adult body and he never received the love he needed in early life. He will likely continue this dysfunctional path for the rest of his flick. He's lost inside and doesn't know how to be the person that you need him to be. And primordial defense mechanisms make it very hard for him to ever get out of the place he is inside.

He is not your responsibility.  You are your responsibility and you are the only person you can control. Take this time to be very, very compassionate and understanding to yourself. Read these boards. Seek out professional help for guidance and support.  Exercise daily and eat healthier. Consider practicing meditation daily and signing up for a mindfulness group.  Cry and feel your pain.  Resist the urge to doubt yourself. I have so many recommendations for you on books to read if you want to send me a message. 

My heart goes out to you. I know how you feel. We are all here for you to listen, give advice if you want it, or help in any way you need. Wishing you the best... .

[seeking balance]

Nearlybroken,

Oh, your post tugged at my heart... . I so remember that feeling of maybe "I am the crazy one".

What I can say is this, simply let go - focus only on you.   Contact with him is only going to keep you in the FOG.

Good job on getting a Dr. appt - keep doing things to help yourself now.

Peace,

SB

[VeryFree]

Things said to you, things done to you, things happening to you... . aren't about you. Especially not when BPD is involved.

How awful those things are, don't let them get to you. It's not you. It's the BPD.

[Nearlybroken]

Thank you all for your kind replies and words of advice.I went to the doctor ,was diagnosed with reactive depression and have been prescribed anti-depressants and placed on a waiting list for therapy.I suspect I will have a lengthy wait but at least it is something.A start.