I finally went No Contact

[skinny13]

Like many of us, I've debated No Contact before. And I did go through a 3-month period of not talking to my uBPD/NPDm and enDad after they sent me and my now-husband (then-fiance) a letter saying they would not attend our wedding if I invited my brother (who doesn't speak to them).

After they capitulated (when I didn't give in to their demand), we re-established contact and things were the usual up-and-down (sometimes she was nice, sometimes she was nasty) for the past 2+ years.

Last week I got some emails from her that were passive aggressive about our visiting (we had planned a July 4 weekend visit). We are trying to save for a house so we can't travel too much, and my uBPD/NPDm expects us to visit whenever she wants us to, of course.

She nastily uninvited us (saying I was 'cold' and apparently there were other things like my husband's events that were important to us than visiting my parents). Then when I responded (very calmly, in the usual Medium Chill style), she claimed she hadn't uninvited us and then 'come or don't come. We wish you both the best.'

I read that and, after nearly 40 years of dealing with her, I think the lightbulb finally went off that I can't do this anymore. Managing her, enforcing my boundaries (she's been worse ever since I established them), trying to stay in contact for the sake of my enDad (I've realized he is just as bad as she is)... . it's just something I don't have the energy for anymore.

My husband was really concerned a few nights ago when I told him this, thinking I would be really upset. But I wasn't. I've cried enough over this relationship with my parents. I've had so much dread over every phone call, every visit... . sometimes we do okay and it's fine, but it never lasts long before I get the next nasty email.

My parents are older and not in good health. It is inevitable that something will happen and yet even that doesn't make me feel much right now because I know that if I went to help them, their attitudes towards me wouldn't change at all. Maybe they would be temporarily grateful, but it would not last.

I know it's early in this process of going No Contact, but it's been a long time coming. Yet I'm still surprised that there was no big blowup and I didn't shed a tear. Maybe because I've shed so many tears in the past and I'm just tired of it.

Has anyone else had a sort of anti-climatic No Contact moment? Or was it more of an event/confrontation that made you decide to cut things off?

[Cordelia]

For me it was also somewhat anti-climactic.  I had been having one of the innumerable "let's fix our relationship and understand each other at last" conversations with her, and something she said just finally got it through to me once and for all that nothing I said or did was going to change the reality that she just isn't able to be the kind of mother I need.  I didn't decide that second to go NC, but over the next few weeks I just felt less and less drawn to continue torturing myself trying to fix things, having had this realization that it would never work, so I just didn't contact her for about six months.  During this time nothing was forthcoming from her either, and a few months after that I wrote a letter making it clear that this was an intentional decision on my part, not just happenstance, and detailing the reasons I was taking a break, as well as expressing the hope that we would work it out someday (without taking responsibility for making it happen, which had been the case up until then). 

I also was not as sad as I had thought I would be.  I felt a heavy sense of loss of course, and did some rumination where I whirled around all the possibilities in my head over and over, but fortunately I was able to spend less and less time on that as life went on and I got busy with other things.  Overall going NC has been hugely positive for me, redirecting my energy towards happier parts of my life and being able to finally let go of the effort to force a relationship that's just never going to happen.  It's amazing how much more energy you have for things you really love when you aren't engaged in a struggle to make someone into something they're not. 

This is such a big step.  Wishing you strength and peace as you go through it!   

[Up In the Air]

My husband's mother is uBPD and he has an enabling father (we wonder if he has NPD) who treated my husband badly for years, he was the 'bad' kid. After them trying to tear apart our marriage, damaging our reputation with family and friends, and ultimately, the lack of support and all out campaign to keep us from moving out of state. It wasn't a huge to-do, but he was done. So he just stopped talking to them.

While there's a part of both of us that's still waiting for the other shoe to drop, this period of NC (now in our 8th month) has been such a blessing for us. We aren't being manipulated, taken advantage of, dealing with the drama, no guilt trips, no passive aggressive comments. Just peace and healing. It's actually been the best time in our marriage! Like Cordelia said, we too have lots more energy and time to invest in the things that matter most in our lives and we're grateful for that.

We received (in the first two months) cards from them saying "we miss you, we're so proud of you" and "I'm so glad you're doing well" (which meant she was reading my public blog). We didn't respond to either. The last communication we received from her was a Valentine's day card with $20 in it. My husband sent the money back with no return address and no note. I think they got the point. But if they ever truly want to make amends, they have our emails, our address, and our phone number. We're happy with it this way.

Enjoy the peace, happiness and take time heal that heart of yours in the coming months.

[hopeforhealing]

I totally get this as my NC epiphany was also sort of anticlimactic.  I distinctly remember a sort of a "pop" in me, not painful, not even angry, just an abrupt and permanent shift in what I was willing to tolerate.  Just one day, bam, that was it.  I hit the wall.  Like  you, it wasn't anything particularly remarkable or uncharacteristic from her; rather it was "just another brick in the wall" BPD behavior.  My resolve just appeared, seemingly out of nowhere.  Looking back now I see it as my unconscious awareness and understanding of the situation growing to the point where they finally kind of popped through to my conscious mind.  I also have come to see it as adult me marching into the room, scooping up little kid me, and taking her to safety.  ("self mothering". If I had a kid I would never in a million years allow her to be subjected to such abuse.

It was kind of a relief, actually, and two and a half years later there is no question that I'm doing much better.  It's a joy and a relief to get off the crazy train and allow your soul time to heal.  My quality of life is vastly improved.

Kind of like Cordelia mentioned in another thread, I just don't see much of an option beyond NC because I am either unwilling or unable to adapt to my mother's maladaptive behaviors and I don't like the person I become when exposed to her.  (apologies Cordelia for the paraphrase).

There are certainly challenges and sadness associated with NC and it may not be the right choice forever.  For now, however, take a couple deep breaths and enjoy the free air. 

[skinny13]

Up In the Air, Cordelia, and hopeforhealing, I'm so glad that all of you have had a positive experience with NC (although I understand nothing is black and white and, like hopeforhealing said, there are challenges and sadness that come along with the NC too).

My resolve just appeared, seemingly out of nowhere.

hopeforhealing, I felt this way too. And I think you're right that it's like all this realization that sometimes is happening under the surface suddenly took control in my mind. I guess the FOG lifted, at least temporarily.

I also have come to see it as adult me marching into the room, scooping up little kid me, and taking her to safety.  ("self mothering". If I had a kid I would never in a million years allow her to be subjected to such abuse.

I like this image a lot and you're right - I wouldn't let a child endure the instability and hurt of my uBPD/NPDm.

Overall going NC has been hugely positive for me, redirecting my energy towards happier parts of my life and being able to finally let go of the effort to force a relationship that's just never going to happen.  It's amazing how much more energy you have for things you really love when you aren't engaged in a struggle to make someone into something they're not. 

This is so great to hear. It makes sense that there will be more energy for other things. And your phrase 'you aren't engaged in a struggle to make someone into something they're not' really struck me. It does feel like giving up a struggle and letting go actually are making me feel so less burdened than I was even a week ago before I made this decision.

It wasn't a huge to-do, but he was done. So he just stopped talking to them.

Up In the Air, I'm glad that your husband decided not to put up with their abuse anymore. And I think, just like you said 'It wasn't a huge to-do, but he was done' - that's exactly what I told my husband last week. That it wasn't a huge blowup or something out-of-the-norm for her. It was just one more nasty email after nearly 40 years of nasty comments, silent treatments, gaslighting, rages, and everything that goes along with that.

I know it's so early in NC, and I'm sure things won't always feel as good as they do right now. But I'm enjoying that feeling of freedom like you all suggested. Thank you.