How did you guys cope with the anger and sadness?

[laelle]

Ramble any time you feel the need Deleted. 

There is nothing you could have done or did to change anything.

It ended because its in the script to end.  She hoped it would end differently, but it couldnt.  She is caught in a loop, and she would have without hesitation taken you

down with her.

Unless they can stop the cycle, it continues... . There is nothing you can do as you are simply a vessel for her to pour her emotions into.

[Deleted]

Danley great analogy I agree with you 100%

Fomheeltoheal,

I'm glad to hear that you didn't succumb to drinking as an escape  or anything and that's great that you're taking of yourself. You deserve it, we all do because that's most important.

Laelle,

I've come to a point where the words you've posted do not hurt me anymore. I've accepted reality, although sometimes I wonder a script? Really? How could you inflict such internal pain to someone you claim you love then knowingly have a script when it's over or when the next argument is going to occur, absolutely sickening. I do believe they can stop the cycle. They have/had people who love them and are willing to support them I.e. you and I and everyone on this website, and family and friends. They choose not to and will continue this cycle. All I have to say is that the woman I've made love to, held in my arms while she cried an almost infinite amount of times, laughed an cried with was the number1 source of the most negative emotions I've ever had to deal with in my life.  Perhaps I've gotten a small taste of the misery she feels on a daily basis.

If you don't mind me asking, do you or did you find yourself at times wondering what if their next relationship works? And our partners are actually happy?

[laelle]

My ex was not happy before me, and he will not be happy after me.  He is mentally ill.  The illness is hell on earth for him.

If I could change that for him, I would... . but I cant.  He knows what he is doing, but he does not "grasp" that he has other choices.  His part plays out the way

it is designed to play out... . abandoning or being abandoned.  Even if he leaves you, in their heads you left them.

Its the nature of his illness.

[danley]

Yes. It's obvious they know what's right and wrong. Or they know how it would feel like to be treated the way they treat you. I believe they know what they're doing. But they don't have self control or emotional capacity to think beyond their own hell.

[Deleted]

You know danley part of me thinks that along with BPD, they're just so pissed off at the world and most importantly with themselves that they just take that anger and frustration out on us the people that cares for them most. That's why we see so much aggression, passive aggressive remarks, and other pugnacious behaviors. I don't want to get into some pseudo-psychology stuff but I know her father disappointed her many times in life and being that I was the only other close male in her life I guess she projected that anger but also hope on me. Hope that I would Be better than her father. I dunno just guessing but they're old enough to know and recognize their actions. They don't wear jackets in the summer or wipe their ass with their bare hands, so they're not flat out crazy. They know what they're doing.

[Sleuth]

Booze, music and work.

[MammaMia]

Not good Sleuth... . not good.

May get you a hangover, a headache, and a promotion.  But it does not make anything better.

[danley]

You know danley part of me thinks that along with BPD, they're just so pissed off at the world and most importantly with themselves that they just take that anger and frustration out on us the people that cares for them most. That's why we see so much aggression, passive aggressive remarks, and other pugnacious behaviors. I don't want to get into some pseudo-psychology stuff but I know her father disappointed her many times in life and being that I was the only other close male in her life I guess she projected that anger but also hope on me. Hope that I would Be better than her father. I dunno just guessing but they're old enough to know and recognize their actions. They don't wear jackets in the summer or wipe their ass with their bare hands, so they're not flat out crazy. They know what they're doing.

Totally agree.

Deep down the issue almost always is that they are unhappy with themselves

[bpdspell]

I dunno just guessing but they're old enough to know and recognize their actions. They don't wear jackets in the summer or wipe their ass with their bare hands, so they're not flat out crazy. They know what they're doing.

This made me spit out my drink! Thanks for the laugh.

Spell

[bpdspell]

How did I cope?

At first I lived on planet denial for a couple of months and was very reluctant to accept the disorder and the role I played in the toxic dance. I blamed and hated my ex until it became an exhausting broken record. The shame of how I felt was unbearable at times. Once I accepted the pain I primal screamed and cried. Like a baby. For months. I cried for him. my mother. my parents. and lastly for the broken little girl who lived inside of me and controlled my every move as an adult. It didn't matter that I had traveled the world, earned many degrees, had a fairly stable marriage and a modicum of career success; I was broken and it controlled me.

I was on the hunt to meet my parents and fix them through intimate relationships. I  mirrored what I thought was unconditional love so that I could receive it back; hoping that my ex would be THE ONE. Turns out there is no "ONE"; just unconditional love, forgiveness & grace and mercy.


Without mourning, grieving and walking through the painful emotions I'd still be trying to numb myself with food, validation from others, addiction approval, and acceptance from suspect sources.

My BPDexbf turned out to be one of my greatest blessings. Without this experience I wouldn't have known how desperately I wanted to be loved, approved of and validated. Because of this experience I can now end the cycle of toxic love that I inherited from my parents. It took a while to get to this place but I am empowered and I now feel deep compassion for my ex's suffering.

Spell

[Deleted]

My BPDexbf turned out to be one of my greatest blessings. Without this experience I wouldn't have known how desperately I wanted to be loved, approved of and validated. Because of this experience I can now end the cycle of toxic love that I inherited from my parents. It took a while to get to this place but I am empowered and I now feel deep compassion for my ex's suffering.

I'm really happy for you that you've reached this point. I understand the agony it was prior to reaching this mindset. I was living in a void, nothing to smile or e excited about. That's how powerful their soul sapping capabilities are :/. I too, see this as a blessing because it has changed me for the better. However, I do not have compassion for her, BPD or not it's downright wrong. I wish her nothing bad but at the same time nothing good.

[xenia]

I  mirrored what I thought was unconditional love so that I could receive it back

So true. Slowly getting to the place where I don't have to do this anymore.